'Tis the season to be jolly, tra, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
It's Christmas in just 10 days, yet I am so far from being in the festive spirit that I find myself wishing I could be back in the locked facility of the mental hospital I was in this time last year. In many ways, life was so much simpler. When you're locked up in a mental hospital, you just do as you're told, take your medication, accept it all.
Now, one year on, my life is still a total mess. I may not be as "sick" as I was back then, but deep down, I'm not sure much has changed. I still cry all the time, I'm still a "protected adult", I'm still fantasising about muscat and other unadvisable behaviours, I'm still in debt.
The difference is that I have to try and function like a normal human being. I have to work, go out, interact with people (though to be honest, I don't do much of that). I have to do shopping (don't do much of that, either), housework (or that). I have to try and get back into the day-to-day running of my business (not easy with a "mandataire" who seems intent on keeping me as a client for the next 20 years).
And it's all that that I'm not doing well at. I lock myself away, rarely leave the house, rarely answer the phone (not that it rings much any more), rarely eat, rarely (oops) take my medication.
What I do do is cry, watch endless amounts of crap on TV because it makes me feel less alone, work. I go to bed too late, get up too late.
My life is slipping away from me. My daughters are growing up and I barely see them. I miss them more than anything, yet can't imagine looking after them. And there's still their hostility to the existence of Y, of course.
Christmas has crept up on me and I just can't get into the swing of things. I haven't sent (bought, written) a single Christmas card, I've done virtually no shopping, I don't even have any real ideas.
If I could, I would just fast-forward to the end of January (Y is going away for a month, he gets back on 27 January), get rid of this whole unwanted festive season.
Sure, I'll be glad to see the back of 2013, but I don't dare raise my hopes for 2014 because every year in the last few years has been worse than the one before and I really don't think I can take much more...
Ho, ho, ho.