End of summer blues

Technically, here in the south of France, summer could (and probably will) continue well into September. Yet my daughters and I returned from our official holiday together (12 days, split between Venice and Bologna) last night and there's an undeniable feeling of "end of summer" in the air.

I've actually spent most of the day close to tears. The holiday was good, though hard work - keeping the girls from killing each other, organising everything, dealing with their insatiable appetites, finding things to appeal to all of us... - and coming home was a long day. I feel exhausted, totally dissatisfied with the other parts of my "summer", and completely unmotivated for starting work again on Monday (not that I'm complaining exactly, it's great to actually have work, but I don't feel even remotely rested, I haven't had a minute to myself all summer... and I really, really need "me time").

And arriving here, to find the flat in the worst state I've ever seen it in, made my heart sink. I had to work up until past midnight on the day before our departure, so had no time for housework or tidying (and neither are my strong point at the best of times) before we left. Y was here most of time we were away to take care of the cats, but did nothing either - it was in fact worse than before I left. Disheartening. There's mess everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I don't know where to start...

Today, the washing machine appears to have given up the ghost and I've spent most of the afternoon trying to fix it. The toilet tank is leaking and has rotted the parquet underneath, one my cats, Zorro, is still stuck on a roof and refusing to come down, but miaowing pathetically (and loudly) day and night, my ex-MIL-from-hell is due to arrive tomorrow (not in my home, obviously) and is apparently in fighting form having argued non-stop with my ex (her son) while he visited her. She also claimed that our daughters are probably not even his biologically (WTF?) and my teeth are already on edge at the thought of her being here for the next 10 days.

Y is in a total funk and his depression is driving me batshit - he takes no advice, is becoming diet-obsessed, mopes about and does NOTHING. I'm struggling enough as it is, I simply cannot take on someone else's issues. That sounds heartless (and maybe is) but I just can't. I'm feeling overwhelmed and miserable.

Realising that I'll most likely spend the rest of my life totally alone has been hard too. I need "me time" more than most people, so being alone at home isn't a problem in itself (I relish it, even), but never having anyone to love me, make me feel special, accompany me, take some of the pressure of me, support me, spoil me... that's kind of hard. Growing old totally alone isn't a cheering prospect.

So there you have it. Another gloomy update. People say you make your own happiness, but what do you do if you don't know how? What do you do if you don't know what happiness is?

Gosh. Well now.

My word, it's been a while.

I didn't even do my depressingly repetitive New Year's questionnaire this year (seriously, almost nothing has changed since the previous one, except maybe that I'm not as poor as I was).

But hey, here I am, alive and well (I guess). The truth is, I really only come here when I feel like there's simply no one else I can turn to. I can say things here that I can't say to anyone in a face-to-face situation. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to bore people with my pathetic misery.

But.

I'm broken. It's the conclusion I've finally reached: there are things about me that aren't right, and can't seem to be fixed.

Every day, I find myself hating something new about myself. I can't seem to feel happiness, or joy, and I can't find peace within myself. I'm filled with frustration and self-pity and anger for things I have no control over. I'm enslaved to my wretched failure of a past, despising it for making me what I am, and despising myself for being so dependent on it.

Every evening, once I'm alone, I find myself sobbing pathetically over a sappy TV ad, or some ridiculous TV show, or a piece of music, or just about anything, really.

My sleep patterns are disastrous, I eat badly, I waste far too much time on pointless things, I have no social life to speak of (and when I am invited to something, I generally make some excuse to avoid it, and then feel miserable because my life is so dull), no hobbies, no real interests, no life in fact.

My existence is a waste of time, I am a waste of space. My only reason for really actually still being here is that my daughters need me. Well, the younger one anyway. My elder daughter is more or less lost to me - she's only 16, but she hasn't lived with me for almost 6 years, I rarely see her and she rarely seems to feel the need to have anything to do with me. But yes, sweet L still needs me, and C, well, she needs me but probably doesn't realise it - she needs me to pay for all her stuff at the very least (I pay her school fees, school trips, clothes, scout camp, holidays...).

Otherwise, I really don't see the purpose of my existence. I get up as late as I can, I faff about, I eat crap, I watch crap on TV while making a semblance of working, then I go to bed at dawn. That's it. That's my life. It's a waste of time.

And I'm incapable of changing it.

I'm wretched at the thought of growing old (or older) alone, but can't bear the thought of having to live with anyone. I yearn to be loved and complemented and made to feel special because I've never had that, but know that it's never going to happen. I want to feel comfortable in my body, but can't, seeing only the unfit, flabby mess I've become. I want to write, and paint, and create things, and go to exhibitions, but can never find the energy to do anything other than stay on my sofa and escape into my fantasy world.

Oh yes. The fantasy world. I have a whole other life in my head, and the best time of my day is when I finally crawl into bed and can escape there. It's not perfect, but I am loved, and beautiful, and happy there. So much better than reality.

So there you have it.

I'm sure you're delighted I'm back - yet more moaning and whingeing.

There is some positive though: after a wretched 2017 from a work point of view (I've never earned so little in my entire career - and most of what I did earn came from the last 3 months of the year; the rest of the time, I was literally counting centimes and too poor to buy food even), this year has been really pretty good - I'd earned more in 2018 by the end of March than in the whole of 2017. I got a new (additional) job, teaching English (of course) at the School of Architecture and, while I don't exactly enjoy it, I get paid every month and that's a huge advantage, even if it's only €500. I've done loads of translation work, found new clients, kept up to date with my payments (VAT, taxes, social contributions) and generally got that area of my life more or less in order. So that's something I guess.

Well, I'm glad to have got that off my chest at last - I'm not sobbing any more, and after the current episode of True Blood that I'm watching (my God, Eric Northman is sexy...) is over, I'll be off to bed, maybe even before dawn (though not much I guess).

I do just wish, though, that I could feel things the way other people do - I feel dead on the inside, incapable of any positive emotions, feeling only worry and anxiety and frustration and anger and self-loathing.

Ciao for now.

The never-ending story...

You can probably guess what's coming next...

I studiously avoided hoping that 2017 would be better than 2016, because that kind of silliness has been spectacularly disastrous for me in the past.

But guess what? Despite that precaution, 2017 seems to be turning out worse than 2016...

I feel like I'm spiralling back down, down, down.

I'm am so very, very tired of fighting, struggling all the time. And the fight, the struggle is incessant, and at every level of my increasingly wretched life.

Do I ever do anything but moan?

Well, actually, yes, I do lots of things:

1. I try and pay off debt, pay bills, keep myself out of trouble at the bank;
2. I try and keep up appearances for L, and for just about everyone else around me;
3. I try and convince myself that clients will come back, that work will start to come in again;
4. I try and imagine what it must be like to not have to worry about money ALL. THE. TIME.
5. I try and imagine what it must be like to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have psychiatric problems, who isn't consumed with bitterness about his crap life, and who I actually want to be with;
6. I try (but this, very unsuccessfully) and imagine what it must feel like to be happy.

There are some positives: my mortgage is finally fully paid off (thank God, because if it weren't, and I still had to pay that €700/month, I'd be hopelessly overdrawn by now); spring is here; I have successfully applied for two separate bank loans that will at least keep me afloat for another couple of months or so; one of this year's very rare clients finally paid two overdue invoices today (though one was paid without VAT, which just means hassle for me).

But my relationship with C. is virtually non-existent (I haven't even seen her for about a month); L. is struggling mightily with maths and I don't have the means to help - I'm not good enough myself, and I can't afford to hire someone; L.'s 13th birthday is looming large and I don't have the means to buy anything at all (so of course she wants a €200 phone, and her dad has said OK as long as we all chip in, which in his language means that he wants me to pay for it and then he'll pay me a little bit of half of it over several months); my relationship with Y. is difficult - we're both irritating each other considerably and I don't have the guts to do what I probably need to do.

So yes, like chez Magic27 is as crap and depressing as ever. No respite in sight of course, just futile hopes and dreams (and the worst of that is that those hopes and dreams are just normal life for most people).

Magic27, over and out (for now, anyway).

New Year's Questionnaire!

I suspect that this blog is in its death throes – I certainly never seem to be able to motivate myself to write anything (possibly because even I am loath to moan constantly…).

BUT!

Now is the time (having been totally silent, absent, whatever since...hmmm...April) for the “traditional” New Year’s questionnaire. I know you’ve “all” been waiting with bated breath for this!

So. Here we go. A review of what life was like for Magic27 in 2016...

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

Tough question. Maybe “nearly die on a volcano”? (That sounds more dramatic than it actually was, and there was no actual “volcano” involvement, no explosions or lava I mean.)

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t generally make actual resolutions. Mainly because I’m crap at keeping to them. I did vaguely play around with the idea of keeping a bullet journal in 2017, but I’m not sure I’ll manage it...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No close friends (I suspect we’re all mostly too old now...), but my upstairs neighbour had a baby boy in March.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A very dear friend died suddenly of a heart attack whilst doing charity work in Africa in July. We hadn’t seen each other in years, but were very good friends back in our student days and we kept in touch. His death shook me to the core. And it would have been his 48^th birthday in 8 days.

5. What countries did you visit?

Nothing original: Scotland in April, Italy in August, Spain in October/November.

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

Same as last year: a more stable, less stress-inducing financial situation and a better relationship with my 15-year-old daughter, C.

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

11 July, the day my friend Iver died (see above).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving the year and paying off most of my debt. Translating a series of medical documents that allowed a French Paralympic athlete to participate in the Games in Rio and win a bronze medal.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Same as last year, my relationship with C.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, apart from what now appear to be year-round allergies and my usual blend of psychiatric specialness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Money is always tight, so I don’t buy much to be honest. I did treat myself to a new duvet cover and pillow cases set – turquoise blue with watermelons all over. I’m pleased with that!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

No one that I can think of in particular.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Long list! The British government, a large swathe of the British population, Donald Trump, a large swathe of the US population... Pfff

14. Where did most of your money go?

Paying off debt (always, always). I’m pretty much debt-free now though – even my mortgage is fully paid off!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I’m still not the kind of person to show that amount of enthusiasm about anything, but I was very much looking forward to travelling to Naples with the girls and Madrid (supposedly with the girls, but in fact only with L. as C. refused to come with us).

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?

Tough one. L. gets “favourite” songs and plays them to death for a few days before moving on to another one, so I doubt there’s a single song. But probably anything that was in the NRJ Top 50...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? About the same – definitely not happy, but not utterly miserable either.

b) thinner or fatter? Probably fatter, but not much.

c) richer or poorer? Thanks to clients not paying when they’re supposed to, I’m actually destitute right now (-30 € on one account, +10 € on the other).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Draw, paint, write, create. Feel happy.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry, stress.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

C. and my ex travelled to Paris to be with my ex mother-in-law. L. refused to go, so it was me, her and Y. here for Christmas. Quiet, uneventful.

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?

No. In fact, my relationship with Y. is shaky – I think the truth is that I’m just not meant to live in the company of other human beings; I find people in general extremely irritating. And Y. rarely leaves the house, meaning that I feel like I’m suffocating, all the time.

22. What was your favourite TV programme?

I still (inexplicably) like Le Meilleur Pâtissier, and I thoroughly enjoyed the Amazon series, Bosch.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

Hmmm. Tough one. I read lots of books this year, but mainly ones I’d already read. We need to talk about Kevin is one of them, and it moves me a great deal.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

At a personal level, possibly that I don’t actually hate Maître Gims’ songs as much as I thought I would.

26. What did you want and get?

Nothing, really.

27. What did you want and not get?

Lots of things: financial stability, happiness, a better relationship with C., alone time...

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

As usual, I think I only saw animated films this year. Of them, I probably enjoyed The Secret Life of Pets best.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 47, which seems shockingly old. The day was dull and non-descript at best, tense and interminable at worst. Same problem as last year – C. and Y. were both here, and the tension between them was palpable. I couldn’t wait for it all to be over, to be honest.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Financial stability.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

LOL – unkempt, multi-coloured scarecrow perhaps?

32. What kept you sane?

My private, inner fantasy world, the one I escape to when I get into bed or am walking around town on my own.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Still like Pat Monahan and Johnny Depp, but could now probably add in Titus Welliver...

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I should probably say Trump’s election, but to be honest, I’m more likely to be affected by the Brexit stupidity...

35. Who did you miss?

The situation with J. described in last year’s questionnaire hasn’t really changed – the odd e-mail, a belated Christmas card, that’s about all the contact we’ve had. It still breaks my heart. I also miss my dear friend M. in London, because we don’t get to see each other often enough because we’re both always broke...

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Given how much I tend to avoid people in general, I’m not particularly good at “meeting” new ones, so I don’t think I made any fabulous new friends in 2016...

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016

Stop trying to believe that the new year will be a good one because in reality, my life is a crapfest and there are only degrees of crap. 2015 and 2016 were a little less crappy than previous years, but still crap. My hopes and expectations for 2017 are thus appropriately low.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

Never changes. Train’s Meet Virginia: She pulls her hair back as she screams, “I don’t really want to live this life!”

Gratitude, schmatitude

I've often been told, when feeling particularly down and desperate, that the best thing to do is to make a list of all I'm grateful for, and then, once that's done, I'll somehow realise that my life isn't the crapfest I believe it to be.

I'm not the world's most adventurous person, but this is a task I probably can do, so here we go.

THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR

1. I have 2 daughters I'm inordinately proud of and whom I love with every molecule of my being.
2. My elder daughter is on course to get her Brevet (national diploma taken by all French kids at the end of middle school) with a good grade and has been accepted at the high school she wants for next year.
3. I have 2 cats that I adore.
4. Living in the south of France is most definitely a good thing.
5. I guess I'm in reasonably good health.

THINGS THAT NEVERTHELESS SHOW THAT MY LIFE REALLY IS A CRAPFEST

1. I essentially have no relationship at all with one of my daughters - I feel that if there were actual conflict it might even be better. As it is, we're civil to each other, even reasonably friendly, but she clearly feels no desire to ever spend time with me, so I probably spend less than 10 minutes with her in a week.
2. My other daughter has so many issues that I can't help but feel I'm at least a little responsible. She has chronic insomnia (she's nearly 12 but is rarely asleep before midnight), she has very deep separation anxiety, she's a hoarder, she's very volatile, very insecure...
3. My professional life has essentially ground to a total halt. I've yet to translate 40,000 words in 2016, whereas that used to be my average monthly target (one I reached repeatedly, and exceeded often). I've contacted former clients but have been given different reasons from each of them as to why they no longer work with me - I'm too expensive (I doubt that very much), I don't have the right "profile", they found someone who could provide more services, they found someone with more specialist experience, they found someone quicker, etc.
4. As a result, money is my main worry, occupying my thoughts pretty much all day, every day. If things don't look up significantly in the immediate future, I will have literally € 0 in my savings account, and € 0 in my current account by the end of June. I'll have paid off most of my remaining debt, but will be totally destitute.
5. I hate being so poor, having to think hard before spending even € 0.10. I don't go out, I don't buy things, I don't do anything. It's hard to have to tell L. that no, I can't buy her X right now... I need work, and income, so badly it hurts.
6. My health is probably OK, but I don't have the money to go to the doctor (yes, it's refunded but I still have to pay out first as none of my doctors seems to be equipped with the thingy that pays them directly). I have a number of aches and pains that are becoming chronic, but I can't do anything about them right now.
7. My flat is an embarrassment to me, to the extent that I feel unable to invite anyone here, ever. The furniture is old, mismatched, poor quality and neglected. The décor is a disaster, the kitchen is wretched, the bathroom is horrible, there's stuff everywhere, including bicycles in the sitting room. I hate it, I hate feeling so much of a loser.
8. I'm too embarrassed to ask my dad for money again - he gave me almost € 10,000 at the end of last year, all of which will have gone by the end of June, paying off the various debts accumulated when someone else was appointed to take care of my affairs and made a total mess of it (he did sort out a few things, but totally ignored stuff like VAT, income tax, mortgage repayments, obligatory social contributions etc., leaving me with more than € 30,000 of debt when I got control of my life back 2 years ago). It is now almost all paid off, and there's only another 9 months to go on my mortgage, but if there's no money coming in, I'm still going to end up screwed. And there isn't a bank in France that will give me a loan. Asking my dad is a painful thought - I know he'd help me out, but I also know it would bring me even further down in his opinion of me (already not great), and I don't think I can face that...
9. My relationship with Y is somewhat less than ideal. We seem to irritate each other a great deal at the moment, and our differences seem to be becoming more obvious. We still get on most of the time, but it's a source of dissatisfaction for me and I have the feeling that the fact that we are both incredibly stressed (though about totally different things, of course) really isn't helping.
10. My life is really not much more than an existence. I don't have the means to go places, do things, visit things, eat out, whatever. I rarely leave the house, when I do, I rarely go further than school, L's circus school, etc. I know less about the region I live in than people who've lived here just a few months. It's frustrating, and utterly depressing in the end - I live in a beautiful region, but take no advantage of it.

Hey what do you know? Just 5 things in the "grateful" list, and 10 in the "crapfest" list...

This year can go suck it.

Frozen

To quote a well-known song,

"My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all around".

And of course, I'm finding it hugely difficult to just "let it go"...

Things are, once again, dire.

My combined "wealth" (if you can call it that), meaning my current account plus my savings account plus the money owed to me by clients who haven't yet paid for past work comes to the princely sum of (at most) €7,000. That doesn't sound particularly dire, until you realise that:

a) I have done virtually no work whatsoever for several weeks and have none on the horizon;
b) in addition to all the standard stuff I have to pay out every month (which already comes to around €1,500), I have to pay an extra €1,100 every month till June for my retirement fund debt from 2014-2015, plus €1,300 to pay in 3 weeks for my retirement fund for the first half of 2016;
c) if you add all that up, you'll figure out that I'm solvent till about the end of April, and then... the void.

My stress levels are through the roof. I have started trying to find work, but the three former clients I've contacted have been no help whatsoever: the first said they'd found someone cheaper, the second said they'd found someone more expensive but in a bigger structure, and the third said they "just preferred the other person's profile". I can't really draw any serious conclusions from that.

I've reached out to translators' fora and work exchange sites, but that's going to take time to bear fruit. I've started working on my website, but that's also a work-in-progress that's unlikely to bear fruit for a while. I've even applied for a salaried position I don't particularly want, just to see if anyone even considers me employable.

So that's the professional crap.

On the personal side, L is still struggling mightily with life in general. She's developping severe insomnia, she's refusing to have any contact whatsoever with her father (and so is living exclusively with me) and totally ignores the existence of her sister. If L crosses paths with either of them, there will be insults, shouting and (in the end) tears. It's hideous. Despite all this, she's doing pretty well at school, with her class teacher even telling us that she's "perfect"... It's like there are two versions of her - the one at school and the one not at school.

The result of all this is that C is ignoring me. I sometimes see her in the street on her way to or from school - I say "hello", she says "hello" back, and that's about it. I'm pretty sure she would rather have nothing to do with me at all. As it is, I probably spend less than 5 minutes a week with her.

To be honest, as distressing as all this is, my every waking moment is consumed with worry about money. I even dream about it.

I am so very, very tired of all this. I feel totally trapped. I am trying to be active, to kick-start things, but I hate phoning people, hate begging for work - even more so given that the three contacts I did make all gave a different reason for no longer wanting to work with me.

So, yeah. I really do feel that my soul (what's left of it) is spiralling (down, down, down) and that there are frozen fractals all around me.

So far, 2016 can just suck it, to be honest.

New month, new post

It will almost certainly come as no surprise to anyone to learn that I'm feeling singularly overwhelmed, stressed, scared, whatever.

Crappy bits of administrative guff that really do need to be taken care of, but that just aren't being taken care of at all;

Crappy life situations that really do need to be dealt with, but that just aren't being dealt with at all;

[Interlude: can you see a pattern forming here?]

Crappy health and hygiene situations that really do need to be looked into, but that just aren't being looked into at all;

You get the picture.

My sweet little L is going through a spectacularly rough time. There are endless, endless arguments between her and her sister, her and D, her and both of them. She's refused to sleep at D's place since Tuesday and claims she "never wants to go back there". *sigh*

She very clearly needs help - help of a professional kind, I mean - but any mention of such a thing and she goes ballistic. So things just stay as they are. She has "behaviours" that aren't acceptable, she gets punished at school, she gets punished by D, she's at permanent war with C...

There's only with me that she seems to find some kind of tranquillity, except for the fact that she's a chronic insomniac and is frequently still awake at 1 am, even on school nights... Even when I try and make sure she's in bed by 9.30 pm...

I'm lost, struggling, trying to do my best and, as ever, pretty much failing.

The only highlight in this cloud of darkness is that I've booked a week's holiday for me and the girls in August in Naples. If the girls don't fight all the time, it should be quite a good holiday - there are lots of lovely things to visit, in Naples itself, plus Pompei and Herculaneum of course, plus Vesuvius, the Isle of Capri... I'm really looking forward to it, even though it's months and months away...

Other than that, my life is just a steady stream of same old, same old.

Debt, not enough work, crappy living habits when Y isn't here (as he isn't now - he flew to Latvia on 24 January and won't be back till the end of this month), stress, worry about the girls, worry in general, insomnia, bla, bla, bla.

I feel like a record that just gets played over and over again, no year being any noticeably different from any other, just mild degress of change in the level of terribleness.

pffff

New Year's questionnaire

The New Year's Questionnaire

Total radio-blog silence since July... Possibly a new record!

Anyway. Let's see how things stand. What kind of year was 2015 in the Magic27 house?

I feel kind of obliged to admit that 2015 was, without doubt, a better year than the previous...euh...6. That doesn't, of course, mean that it was a good year, just a better one. But progress is progress; let's hope 2015 was just the start of a decidedly upward trend!

Thanks again to Linda for this...

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

I'm really not sure about this one. I have no idea. So, probably nothing I suppose...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't really make any resolutions last year. As a result, I'll probably try and think up something vaguely attainable for 2012 (say, eating less crap or going to bed earlier) and hope I fare better

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No. But my lovely upstairs neighbour is due to do so in March this year...

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?

England, Italy and Scotland.

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

This never seems to change, from one year to the next: a better financial situation. But I'm going to add to that a second thing: a better relationship with my 14-year-old daughter, C. Because that area of my life is a disaster!

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

I'm getting the impression that 2015 was a fairly bland year - there aren't any dates that jump out at me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Staying financially afloat, staying out of a psychiatric establishment.

9. What was your biggest failure?

By far, my relationship with C.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Horrible allergies as usual, starting in late January and lasting till around June (a record), plus the usual psychiatric problems, but thankfully nothing else.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Nothing in particular, but buying a new dress always fills me with a ridiculous amount of joy...

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Can't think of anyone in particular.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

No one in particular that I know in real life. In CelebWorld, I'd have to say Donald Trump.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Paying off my debts (that never changes), paying all the official crap I have to pay and...pretty dresses probably!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I really don't think I have the ability to get wildly excited about anything... I was moderately excited at the prospect of going to Rome.

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?

Mostly songs L listens to - Taylor Swift's Blank Space is one I certainly seemed to hear about a million times a day!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? About the same.

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner (because I went cold turkey on all the medication the shrink prescribes (he still prescribes because I haven't dared tell him) and thus don't take anything at all any more).

c) richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Travel, laugh, feel happy.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worry.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

The girls and I travelled to see my dad in Scotland. We arrived late on 22 December and came home on 30December. It went OK, though my relationship with my dad is a bit strained. It also rained a LOT, which meant we didn't leave the house very much...

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?

No. I'm still with Y, but (and I've never said this "out loud" before) it's not love. Not on my side, anyway.

22. What was your favourite TV programme?

I enjoyed Better Call Saul, and (for some inexplicable reason) I love watching the French equivalent of Bake Off, called Le Meilleur Pâtissier.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

There were several times during the year in which I hated my ex, D, but it would be unfair to say it was true all year.

24. What was the best book you read?

I enjoyed Grady Hendrix's Satan Loves You. It was deliciously irreverent and very funny!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I am definitely too old to be making musical "discoveries"!

26. What did you want and get?

I asked for Adele's new CD, 25, and got that from my dad, and I asked for a couple of books (the latest Asterix album and the latest Largo Winch album) and got both of them from Lydie.

27. What did you want and not get?

Jewellery from my favourite jeweller here in Montpellier - I left hints, even said it out loud, but no one listened...

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

I don't think I saw a single film at the cinema this year that wasn't a kids' film...

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 46 (God help me) in May. To be honest, I can't really remember much about it. It was a little tense because C was here and so was Y, and they barely speak to each other.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less financial stress.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Hardly a fashion concept, but I do like wearing dresses...

32. What kept you sane?

My private, secret, only-exists-in-my-head world.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pat Monahan - still. Plus Johnny Depp, as always.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I find politics in general depressing. But the presidential campaign in the US, and in particular the Republican primaries, are worse than anything...

35. Who did you miss?

An unfortunate incident with my friend J in 2014 (an incident involving L, revealing her many "issues"), plus a lot of difficult situations in J's own life, have meant that J and I have had almost no contact, and that breaks my heart...

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I joined a group of English-speaking women back in 2014, and many of them are great and have become friends. In 2015, I met one in particular with whom I feel a real connection: we have a lot of things in common! So yes, R is the best new person I met in 2015.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015

That I really do need to make an effort to leave my comfort zone (i.e. my sofa) and get out there, amongst (carefully selected) people...

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

Same as every year: it's from Train's early hit, "Meet Virginia":

"She pulls her hair back as she screams, "I don't really want to live this life!"

So there you have it. A slightly more positive review than in recent years, but there's still an awful lot that could be improved. Do I dare to hope that 2016 will continue in this upward vein?!

15

Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of you and can't believe how beautiful you are... Your long, blond hair "swishes" in that special way that mine never will, your blue, blue eyes sparkle as the sunlight of summer catches them. Your long, tanned legs still have that baby giraffe look to them, but I can see the hints of the lovely young woman you will soon be.

I see you with your friends, giggling as you all pore over someone's latest post on Facebook or whatever it is that you girls find so funny. Your laughter blends with theirs, like a symphony of carefree fun...

I see the joy in your eyes as you discover your "mention très bien" for the "Brevet des collèges", your first taste of an actual, national exam, and my heart swells with pride.

I hear you talking excitedly down the phone about the high school you will start attending in September, your plans for the summer, the boys you have crushes on, the music you like, the cute dress you just bought in the sales, the nail art you just did on your toes...

I watch you happily playing Uno with your sisters, content to go back to being a little girl for just a short while.

I see you gently touch your beloved teddy bear every night before you go to sleep, even though you no longer hold him close to you as you used to.

I try to imagine what the future will bring, what paths you will choose, what decisions you will make.

Yes, sometimes I catch a glimpse of you and realise that the tiny, tiny baby born 15 years ago today is no longer a little girl. You are gradually transforming into a beautiful, beautiful butterfly, unfurling your silky, colourful wings, preparing to take flight for the first time.

I know that this lovely girl I see is an illusion, a mirage; I know that you exist only in a parallel universe, one where the day you were born wasn't also the day you died. I know that you were never officially given a name or a burial. I know that your time here with us was so short that most people never get the chance to catch sight of you as I do.

But I see you everywhere, and I always will. I love you with all my heart, you are my very sweetest angel.

And that is why, my darling Eva, I wish you the very happiest of 15th birthdays. May all your dreams come true.

Reading matter

Break out the Muscat de Rivesaltes, guys, this is my own, personal book club. There's no set topic. Oh... wait. Maybe there is...

First up: a happy little pairing:
Lionel Shriver's "We need to talk about Kevin"
Jodi Piccoult's "19 minutes"
Both of these are about screwed up, psychologically damaged teenagers who go on a murderous rampage around their high schools. Hmm. Comedies, then.

Second; a couple more Jodi Piccoult novels:
My sister's keeper - another happy story of terminal illness in a child, designer babies, moral dilemma and death.
The pact - a cheerful tale of teenage suicide.
There's obviously a high giggle factor here, too.

Finally: a selection (free choice, people) of Michael Connelly or Jonathan Kellerman thrillers.
These involve brutal murders, criminal psychology and the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles.

So maybe there is a theme after all.

I swear, people, I've been on the muscat since I took C. back to her dad's and am slowly falling apart.

All these joyous books about death and the dark side of life have helped me come to the shocking (to me, anyway) realisation that I cannot possibly allow myself to commit suicide, however appealing it might seem, because I can't bear the thought of what it would do to C and L. Yet, at the same time, the thought of having to live like this for the rest of my miserable life fills me with such despair that I think I'll implode.

I truly don't know what to do.

Somebody. Anybody. Please.

Help me.

Probably not a good sign...

...2 posts in as many hours.

But.

I can't stop crying. I've been binge-watching TV and DVDs since I took the girls home at 7 this evening: I cried at a Stéphane Plaza house-hunting show. I cried at Grey's Anatomy. I've cried through several episodes of Glee.

This is most definitely not a good sign.

Life coach? Screw that

My life is so screwed up. And in so, so many ways.

I could make a career change and become a life coach for those seeking new, innovative means of falling down the deep, dark hole.

To (badly) paraphrase Shakespeare, "How shall I screw up? Let me count the ways..."

My family life is a disaster. I have an elder daughter (aged 13-and-a-half-going-on-18) that I barely see. She's clearly punishing me for a whole range of perceived and actual failings on my part, to such an extent that when I DO see her (essentially Wednesday afternoons and occasional bits of weekends), she remains distant, actively hostile to Y, glued to any kind of screen and 100% a Daddy's girl. She just wrote to her new Australian penpal that she "lives with her dad". She refuses to sleep here. Every time she's here when Y is here, it's like there's a huge, grey cloud of pure lead hanging over us. She defends D at every opportunity, regardless of whether he's to blame or at fault, or not. I have a younger daughter (aged 11) that I see pretty much every day, and she's the light in my life, without any doubt. But I'm scared it will all change when she joins her sister at middle school in September. She also has a multitude of "issues", including chronic hoarding, possible kleptomania and a severe lack of self-confidence. And I feel to blame for all that too. Even she rarely sleeps here, and I miss her morning bedhead, her bedtime rituals; I miss being more than a couple-of-hours-every-evening, part-time mother. I've failed both my daughters because of what happened to D and me, what I did 3 years ago, how things have been ever since. I've missed so much of their lives and I'll never get that time back.

My professional life is a disaster. Spending 18 months in a psychiatric institute (including almost a year of that in the "secure" facility) has slashed my client list and, as a result, my income. I spend waaaay too many hours a week with no work to do at all. Worse still, I have little to no ambition and so am doing absolutely nothing about this situation - no courses to learn new (complementary or totally different) skills, no prospecting (I'm absolutely, totally incapable of prospecting), no networking, no nothing really.

Consequently, my financial situation is precarious at best, and would be a total, living-in-a-box-under-a-bridge disaster if my dad didn't keep sending me money. I'm immeasurably grateful to him for this and will never be able to thank him enough, but I also feel deeply ashamed to be 46 (God help me) and still so dependent on him. I also know he's deeply disappointed in me and pretty much every single life choice I've ever made. Speaking to him makes me feel more depressed than you can ever imagine. And I hate myself for that, too.

My mental health is a disaster. I see Dr H almost every week, but stopped taking the medication more than a year ago (though I obviously haven't told him that). I find it impossible to tell him about all the black stuff inside my head because I'm too scared he'll send me back there. I practice what I'm not going to tell him in my head all the time, then, when I get there, I'm monosyllabic or - worse - mute.

My personal life is...well...complicated. Y and I get on fine, but the situation between him and C brings tears to my eyes without fail and fills my heart with so much sadness that I can barely stand it. Y has many, many issues of his own and seems incapable of doing anything about them, leaving me to try and pick up the pieces. And failing at that too. Plus there's D. My feelings for him range from pretty much total indifference to outright hatred. Sometimes, he makes me so angry I could scream. I know he's not entirely to blame for all the crap that's happened to me in the last few years, but he's certainly responsible for a part of it, and I HATE him for it. I HATE what he did to me and yes, I'm still bitter and twisted about it, even though it's been more than 5 years ago.

And then, finally, my social life is also a disaster. I'm increasingly loathe to leave the house, limiting my outings to collecting L from school, taking her to her circus class once a week (now finished till September), running the occasional, essential errand and forcing myself to a fortnightly coffee morning with lovely English-speaking friends. Their lives are so different, so alien that I feel like a fly spying on their conversations. I hear them talking about the places they visit (almost everyone knows the region better than I do, even when they've only been here a matter of months and I've been here since 1999), the trips they go on, their "normal" lives (husbands who work, children who live with them, money in the bank...), and I feel like a freak. Always, ever. Again.

So I guess you can count the ways in which I've screwed up my life. Except that of course, I probably haven't included everything.

Y has gone home to his family for two weeks. He left this morning and I can already feel myself falling apart - even though when he's here, I yearn for time alone. I'm increasingly convinced that there's no hope for me. I can't live with people, I can't live alone, my daughters don't want to live with me...

There's nothing left. Just that deep, dark hole. It's a scary place but oh, so familiar. And that makes it kind of appealing.

God help me.

And so, suddenly, it's 3 months later

I make all these wild, unrealistic promises to myself that I'll keep my blog more up to date but of course I never do. I just don't seem to be able to get my act together which pretty much sums up most aspects of my life, I must say...

So. How is 2015 shaping up? I hear (none of) you ask. Wellllll...

I guess it's been (so far) an improvement of the past few years, but that doesn't mean that things are going well. Just not (quite) so hideously.

D and I are barely speaking because his rampant paranoia has once again cranked up a notch and, even though I know I should be more tolerant of someone so clearly mentally unstable, I cannot help but get totally riled and upset and tearful. I'll spare you the details, but he made me so angry yesterday that I could barely contain myself. And we haven't exchanged a (spoken) word since. Just a couple of angry (from me) and snarky (from him) text messages.

My finances are apparently OK, but there are huge potential debts lurking, waiting to pounce: the retirement agency (CIPAV, to name names) have pretty much ignored me for 2 years, meaning I haven't paid them a cent in as long. I've told this to URSSAF, who are technically responsible for passing on all income details to the health and retirement agencies, and whilst the former (health) contact me and extract money out of me, the latter do not and I can't help but feel that a HUGE bill is going to come tumbling through the door sometime soon, and then, I will once again, be horribly in debt.

The cats are fine - Smoky turns 1 in two days, and is as cute as a button but not, apparently, the brightest cat in the world. He gets up to a fair amount of mischief, will eat almost literally anything and needs to be picked up and cuddled very, very regularly. Zorro is now about 18 months and remains totally anti-social, utterly terrified of every human he encounters and as un-pet-like as you can imagine.

My relationship with Y is still going strong, despite C's continued bitchiness and stropiness. He and I get on well, understand each other, enjoy each other's company. I still have the aching feeling that it's all going to come to an end one day - the day he decides he wants children of his own (if mine haven't put him off kids for life...). I guess I should just take this all one day at a time...

And then there are the girls. Oh boy. I see L. a lot - pretty much every day, even though she rarely sleeps here. I pick her up from school every day, she's here every Wednesday from lunchtime on, and I usually see her a little at the weekends. I rarely, however, see C. and Dr H. believes that she's still "punishing" me for all the time I spent in the nut house - she felt that I'd abandoned her and now she's making me pay. We don't fight or anything, but conversation is awkward, stilted, difficult. She's been very unhappy at school this year (the kids in her class are mainly pretty horrible, she has few friends, she's often been excluded) and my heart aches for her. I just don't seem to be able to reach her. She's 13 now and has "things to do" at weekends, she goes back to D's place after school and I basically only ever see her on Wednesday afternoons.

That said, we're going to England for a week this month (17-25 April, I can hardly wait!) and I'm hoping that will bring us back together again a little. I'm also planning to take them on holiday in the summer - either Madrid or Rome, we'll see - and that should be good.

I don't know. When I write it all out like this, it seems like I'm doing fine. My problems don't seem to be any more overwhelming than those faced by everyone else. But inside, I know I'm struggling, I'm finding it hard to get things done, I feel like I'm losing control, little by little. I try, I really do, to keep on top of things, but I still always feel overwhelmed, "dépassée par les événements" so to speak. I'm scared of losing it altogether, scared of ending back there (you know where). Pfffff

Anyway. There you have it. I HAVE been trying to get out more, even though I haven't really succeeded. I went to a Galette des Rois party in January organised by a group of English-speaking women here in the region. I also attend coffee mornings organised by (some of) the same group and last night I even went to one of their "Girls' Night Outs". I never really regret going, I just find it hard to commit myself to going in the first place... But yes, I AM trying, I really am!

I seem to remember that April is the A-Z challenge month. Hmmm. I'll try to find out and, if it is, then I might, just might, end up posting here more often than usual! But don't hold your breathe, I'm not good at keeping this kind of commitment...

New Year's questionnaire, the return

New Year

The New Year's Questionnaire

Instead of an actual update, I'm going to (once again) do this New Year's questionnaire.

In short, for those of you not reading my woefully irregular posts, 2014 (like just about every year for as long as I can remember) sucked big time (and, after only 1 day, 2015 isn't set to be great either, but it at least has time to improve).

OK, here we go.

Thanks again to Linda for this...

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

Hmmm. Not a huge amount. I didn't seem to do much of anything, to be honest, let alone new stuff. I guess I could mention electroshock therapy. I'd certainly never done that before...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No real resolutions, but, having lost over 10 kg in the last 6 months, I am kind of hoping to be able to maintain my new weight

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My upstairs neighbours had a little girl on 4 July. We're not close friends, but they are close in terms of distance!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. My best friend from middle school - still my friend more than 30 years later, even though we never saw each other any more, died on 27 December. Cancer sucks

5. What countries did you visit?

Portugal - I took the girls to Lisbon for a week in July

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

A steady income, mental stability, a normal life (as normal as my life can ever be). This desire never seems to change...

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

3 March, the day my beloved Tom died. 26 May, the day our new kitten, Smoky, came into our lives and also the day I was discharged from the mental institution I'd been in for 4 months

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not going bankrupt, I guess

9. What was your biggest failure?

Only just not going bankrupt. Or possibly my failures as a mother. Tough one to call

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Same allergies as every year now apparently, and then ongoing bipolar issues

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The whole "trying not to go bankrupt" thing has meant I haven't bought many things this year...

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

No one has stood out, I'm afraid

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Probably mine, at the personal level. At the "celebrity" level, I'd have to say the French President's ex-girlfriend, Valérie Trierweiler

14. Where did most of your money go?

Trying to pay off the huge amount of debt I have

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Nothing

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?

There are several, mainly through the incessant YouTub-ing of the girls: 1D's "Steal my girl", for example, plus French "stars" such as Black M, Indila...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? About the same, unfortunately

b) thinner or fatter? About 10 kg thinner

c) richer or poorer? Also about the same - too in debt, anyway

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Be normal (I don't even know what that means, to be honest)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Spend time in psychiatric establishments

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Here at home, just me and Y (and the cats, of course). Two of his friends came round in the evening. Then Y left for 2 weeks with his family in Algeria the next day

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?

This is a tough one, too. My relationship with Y sprang back to life sometime between February and April (the electroshocks have made me lose all memory of that period...), but I'm having trouble believing it will last - regardless of my hopes that it does

22. What was your favourite TV programme?

I've spent quite a lot of time watching the National Geographic Channel, but not a particular programme

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No

24. What was the best book you read?

I seem to have lost the ability to read books, which still appalls me!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pffff, I'm waaay too old for this question

26. What did you want and get?

Nothing

27. What did you want and not get?

A decent income may sound materialistic, but it really would be nice!

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

I took L. to see "Paddington" just before Christmas and that was quite good. I think it was in 2014 that I also saw Baz Luhrman's "The Great Gatsby", and I loved that...

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 45 (God help me) in May. As is the case most years, I can't really remember much about it. I was still a patient of the psychiatric establishment, so it couldn't have been particularly exciting I guess

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being so heavily in debt

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

I still really, really don't have a "fashion concept"

32. What kept you sane?

Nothing, apparently

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pat Monahan - still, but now accompanied by Alexander Skarsgard and Joe Manganiello from True Blood. This hasn't changed, amazingly

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm still not really interested in politics, but the various troubles around the world are disturbing

35. Who did you miss?

My friends in England - I don't see them nearly often enough; my friend in South Africa. This hasn't changed either.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Being pretty much a hermit, it isn't surprising that I don't think I met anyone new in 2014

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014

That raising tweens/teenagers is a challenge at a whole range of levels

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

These haven't changed either: there are two: first, from Train's early hit, "Meet Virginia":

"She pulls her hair back as she screams, "I don't really want to live this life!"
Second, from "Chasing cars" by Snow Patrol:

"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world"

Rendez-vous in 12 months for the next depressing installment of my miserable life.

Life sucks

As usual, it's been a while. Apparently, one of the many things I suck at is being regular in my blog posts...

To keep you up to date, we haven't taken Zorro back to the refuge - he's still with us, but remains wild and unsociable. We didn't take him back for the simple reason that we couldn't actually catch him and put him in the travel case. We did, however, adopt the kitten I mentioned - his name is Smoky and he's absolutely adorable, despite the (many) stupid things he does. He's almost 9 months old, he's cute, and affectionate, and everything I could wish for in a cat. His only "failing" is that he isn't Tom, and we all know that's not his fault...

Other than that, my life continues to suck big time. I got my freedom back at the end of May, and the judge removed the tutor from my existence at about the same time. However, it turns out that he left me with more debt than he cleared up, so I've spent the last 7 months trying to pay it all off. I've done my best, I've paid off a huge amount, but still have a huge amount to pay. And of course, work has been erratic at best, non-existent at worst. My "career" is, it seems, more or less over.

In other news, I randomly stopped taking my meds at about the end of June, just because I hate the idea of putting toxic chemicals into my body. Naturally, my shrink has no idea of this, and I have absolutely no intention of telling him. I do NOT want him sectioning me again. I've done OK so far, though I'm not in great shape tonight...

Let me explain.

It's New Year's Eve, or technically New Year's Day now (yay! party! NOT), and I'm alone with the cats. This has been a wretched "holiday" season. The girls went to Paris on 22 December and came back a week later, meaning I wasn't with them for Christmas or Cs 13th birthday. Y left for 2 weeks in Algeria on 26 December. He comes back very late on 10 January, and leaves for 5 days in Porto on the 12th. It's like Cien años de soledad condensed into one, 3-week period.

On top of that, a friend who was my best friend for many, many years died on the 27th and, even though I haven't seen her for years, even though our contact was almost solely through Facebook, it felt as though the world had once again fallen apart. The funeral's on the 23rd, and I can't afford to go, which makes me feel even worse.

I got drunk the night I heard of her death, I got drunk and cried a lot. A real pity party. But the truth is, all this misery is just the culmination of a globally shitty, shitty year.

I'm too scared to hope that 2015 will be better, because I've hoped for that every year, and each year has been worse than the one before. I'm terrified to even contemplate what more shit can possibly come my way.

I nevertheless wish anyone who does actually read this all the best for 2015. It's just that I'm not hopeful in my particular case.

I might even try and write here more often - though that could be more of a threat than a promise given the continual outpourings of misery you get...

Adios, Don Diego

It's been a painful decision, and one I still haven't entirely come to terms with, but Y and I, along with the lady who sold him to us, have come to the conclusion that our dear little fur-ball, Zorro, just isn't happy with us and needs to be returned so that he can run free in a larger space. He seems to dislike human company (I dread to think what awful treatment he must have endured in his short life to have such fear of humans...) and needs a garden where he can run and explore and do cat things in peace.

So it looks like this weekend we're going to have to try and capture the wild creature (he doesn't let anyone near him, so putting him in the travelling case is going to be...challenging, I fear) and take him back to the refuge. It breaks my heart to have to do this, but it also breaks my heart to know that he's so unhappy.

This evening, Y and I are going to Pérols (just south of Montpellier) to check out another kitten - a much smaller one this time, a little ball of grey fur, a little like a Chartreux, but not with the same face. I hope this is going to be the one that will help me get over the loss of my beloved Tom...

Till then, adios, mi Zorrito querido, I wish you the happiest of free-spirit cat lives. You touched my heart, despite everything.

Slip, sliding away

It seems I'm in a bit of a Simon and GarFUNKel mode at the moment, which is odd, as I haven't been listening to their songs at all.

But yes, I'm in a bit of a funk, and I can feel myself sliding down the slippery - oh, so slippery - slope of being so overwhelmed with stuff to do that I end up doing nothing at all.

I have a shit ton of stuff that needs doing, and needs doing urgently - Urssaf need to be visited to try and get myself exonerated from at least some of the ridiculous €7,000 they claim I own them (wrongly calculated on revenue from a better year than 2013), I need to see the VAT guys to try and spread the €3,000 I owe them over a few months because yeah, €3,000 all at once will kill me. I need to contact the totally incommunicado guy dealing with my mortgage, which hasn't been paid for months as far as I'm aware. And I need to send papers to the mortgage insurance company to try and get them to pay some of what I owe, but of course I don't have all the papers required (this is bureaucracy-obsessed France, remember).

So far, out of all that, I've photocopied a letter from the insurance company and sent an e-mail to the mortgage guy.

Then there's work, and the invoices that go with that, plus paying dear Arnaud for work he did months ago (and that the mandataire was supposed to have paid but didn't).

And tomorrow, I've promised to take the girls shopping at Odysseum as part of Lydie's birthday present. I'm dreading it, and am hoping and praying it won't last too long so I can get back to Yacine.

I am a bad mother, one who finds her children fairly unbearable most of the time and who doesn't exactly relish their presence. A bad mother, for sure.

I'm also annoyed with Dr H for prescribing only medication with which it is very difficult to overdose (he knows me too well, clearly). I have a huge stock of Mianserin and Abilify - the ones I don't take at 6 pm, just about every day - plus an equally impressive stock of Atarax and a couple of Noctamide and Lysanxias. None of them taken alone would do the job, but I'm hopeful that if I took all of them, with a hefty dose of alcohol, they might work. But I don't know. And if I do want to go down that path, I don't - most definitely don't - want to fail again.

Life as a working, responsible, adult with children and a home and a cat to deal with is too much for me, I'm not cut out for it. I want to leave Rech next week and be allowed home indefinitely, but I'm not sure how ready for that I am.

Slip, sliding away, indeed.

Hello, darkness my old friend...

...I've come to talk with you again...

Indeed.

I've come to the conclusion that my self-destruct instinct is the strongest instinct I have, because I've more or less stopped taking my main medication (the anti-psychotic and the anti-depressant), just taking the odd anxiolytic and a totally ineffective sleeping pill, and only taking those because I can't get out of it.

As a result, and despite all my best efforts to hide it and try and appear normal, I do feel that the darkness is creeping back into my life. I know I should just start taking the damn pills again, but there's something about taking medication that offends me, upsets me, disturbs me, and I just cannot bring myself to do it.

I must prefer the darkness, I suppose. Which no doubt says more about me than most of the rubbish I post here.

I feel old, though I'm not actually old enough to have been alive when the song referenced in the title and first line of this post was a hit, or even when it was used in The Graduate. I feel like I've failed so very badly at so very many things, important things like raising children to be people I like and living a "normal" life (whatever that means).

Martine, the wonderful ergotherapist here in the clinic, says there's a darkness to my work - she calls the stories I write "apocalyptic" (at least in parts), the paintings I use as models have a "melancholy" to them (the one I'm doing right now is this one, Edward Hopper's "Morning sun" from 1952:

) and the original work I produce is "dark" (that darkness rearing its ugly head once again).

So yes, I think my main talent is for self-destruction, and darkness is my best friend.

En mai, fait ce qu'il te plaît

This popular French expression roughly translates as "In May, do as you please". Which is all well and good, but supposes that you have a clear-cut idea of what would, in fact, please you. And I? Really don't.

I want to be released from this hospital, because I've been here for more than 3 months and it's really not easy spending so much time in a psychiatric hospital. But the thought of being home on a permanent basis fills me with both terror and horror. I don't feel ready at all to have to deal with all the day-to-day crap that normal people deal with without difficulty. And you must remember that the last time I was let out of this hospital, everything went pear-shaped again within 4 months, and within 5 I was back here. I don't want that to happen again, I don't want to fail again. There has been enough failure in my life already.

Another example: since June 2013, I've been a "protected adult", meaning that a judge appointed a guy - a mandataire - to deal with my personal finances (note: personal, not professional). That sounds great, but it also authorised him to remove all means of payment from my possession, leaving him to give me a (small) amount of cash every month for basic expenses. He's done a lot of good, cleared a lot of (again, personal) debt, made my bank account healthy again. But last week, I received notification from the judge saying she was withdrawing me from "protected adult" status and restoring my right to deal with my own affairs. On Wednesday, the mandataire came for the last time, gave me back all the paperwork and stuff, and left, leaving me to my own devices. But as I said, he essentially dealt with personal finances, so my professional finances are a mess - I have a huge (and very overdue) VAT bill, I owe the URSSAF (the French administration dealing with social security) a huge amount of money, my professional tax forms are full of mistakes... You get the picture. I've longed to be free of protected adult status because it's humiliating and restrictive. But now that I am, indeed, free of it, I feel very, very fragile and scared. The fear of failure looms very large, I must say.

So what would please me? I really don't know. There's so much in my life that doesn't please me right now: I feel that Y is unhappy and nothing I do or say seems to change that, yet I want him to feel good, feel happy with me; The girls are being spectacularly difficult and unpleasant and disobedient (though they're currently in Paris with D and his mother till the 7th), causing me much pain and sadness; Zorro remains terrified of everything and has now, to top it all, started pissing all over the place (on the bedroom carpet, on the duvet, on a blanket used while the duvet dried, on a plastic bag in the sitting room...), making it even harder to accept him as a sort of replacement for Tom... the list is seemingly endless. I feel old and a failure at life in general.

Maybe if all that were to clear up, that would please me, but I just don't think I'm capable of feeling peace and happiness and joy. My brain isn't wired that way (despite the electric shocks supposed to kick-start it).

May is supposed to be a good month - lots of bank holidays (though they change little for me, I've always worked on bank holidays because I work just about every day, always), good weather, my birthday... But the weather isn't great, I'm dreading my birthday because come on, 45 for fuck's sake.

I think I'm a lost cause. And I wish May were over (even though it's only the 2nd today).

AtoZ Challenge: Z...

...is (unsurprisingly) for Zorro.

This little black ball of fur came into our lives 6 or 7 weeks ago, just after Tom died. His presence was meant to help me get over the loss of the best cat in the world.

He's an adorable little (not so little, actually) kitten, with a very cute (but persistent) miaow, and a lot of playfulness, as you would expect.

What he is not, is sociable. He's scared of everyone and everything, won't let anyone near him, certainly won't let anyone touch him, let alone stroke him. He remains, despite our encouragements, our patience, our trustworthiness (we've never done him harm of any kind), a wild cat.

His latest obsession is going out on to the balcony, jumping down into the courtyard and disappearing for a few hours. Given that he's totally black, he's pretty hard to find (especially at night, obviously). But, so far, he's always come back when he's hungry (which is often, it must be said).

I love the little black cat, I really do, but it's just that he's not Tom. I don't - can't - love him as much as I love(d) Tom, simply because he remains a disappointment to me; I long to take him on my knees and stroke him, cuddle him, and I've only managed to touch the tip of his tail once, as he disappeared behind the dishwasher.

I love him, but he's not Tom and apparently never will be. The hole in my life remains gaping. And worst of all, I never even got to say goodbye to Tom. I just hope and pray that he knew how very, very much he was loved, right up to the end.

Of course, there is also another Zorro in my life - the "real" one so to speak...!