And so this happened

I guess this has been coming for a while. I mean, Dr H even mentioned it a while back. But now there's an actual date for my readmission to the psychiatric hospital, and it's not voluntary, it's obligatory - just one false move away from being sectioned.

I feel like the sky has, once again, crashed down on to my head.

This is how it's going to be from now on. This is it. There's nothing more.

(Bi)polar vortex

Did you see what I did there, with the title of this post? Seriously, I crack myself up sometimes...

So. Things are going so swimmingly well this year (not) that Dr H is starting to talk more and more seriously about me having another stint in my favourite mental institution. I think that what scares me the most about this prospect is that, in some ways, I actually find it quite appealing...

Not in all ways, obviously, as it would, once again, severely screw up my relationship with C and L. Plus, there's the work thing and the mandataire de justice thing and plenty of other things. But I clearly can't go on much longer like this - I'm essentially not functioning at all, my arm is a mess, the muscat is calling loud and strong, I do nothing but cry and I can feel the world crumbling around me.

I'm perhaps kidding myself, but I feel as though going back there would allow me to just forget the shitstorm of crap in my "real" life and take a break from it all. Regroup, so to speak.

On the other hand, going back there is, well, going back there... And it's a scary place, a place where I've already spent waaaaay too much time.

I just don't know. I'm in two minds (how appropriate)... I can see why Dr H wants me to go back: he's worried, I freak him out. Hell, I freak me out. But it seems like such a total failure - another one, to add to the already horribly long list of failures that make up my pitiful life.

I'm seeing Dr H again on Thursday, so we'll see how that goes.

I'll keep you posted.

The now-traditional New Year's questionnaire!

I know you've all been waiting for this with bated breathe, so here it is at last: the annual New Year's questionnaire!

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Well, I spent two thirds of the year in a mental institution, that was certainly original...
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I've ever made any resolutions seriously, so no, I didn't really make any last year so didn't keep or break any either.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my neighbours had a second little boy, Julien, in June.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But a friend I made in the aforementioned mental institution succeeded in killing herself, which I found extremely disturbing.
5. What countries did you visit?
Spain (Barcelona and Zaragoza) and the UK twice.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Same as every year, I guess: a steady income, mental stability, a normal life. Not very hopeful about any of that, though.
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
None in particular.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting out of the mental hospital.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Maybe not getting out in a very permanent manner.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yet again, allergies as usual, plus many, many mental health problems. Pfff.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I've barely bought anything this year.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Y. Always supportive, always attentive.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, probably.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off debts, as usual.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
As last year, nothing. I'm beginning to suspect I'm incapable of feeling excitement.
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Like last year, I listened to the Jeff Buckley version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" a lot. An awful lot, actually.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?  In retrospect, and contrary to what you might believe, I think I'm actually (even) sadder than this time last year...
b) thinner or fatter? Unfortunately, the drugs that made me thinner this time last year didn't do much else, and the ones that replaced them made me fatter, so I'm probably about 10 kg fatter than a year ago.
c) richer or poorer? Probably "richer", but it's all relative. I'm still hopelessly in debt.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Be happy.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Cry.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
In Scotland, with my daughters and my dad. For a wide range of reasons I won't go into right now, I was as miserable as hell and had a wretched time.
21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Yes, I think I did. But of course it didn't work out. Y and I are now "just friends", at his request, and my heart, though always suspecting that something like this would happen, feels very much broken.
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
I got quite into "Downton Abbey" I suppose. But mainly, I watch a lot of crap - I'll watch just about anything, actually, because I hate silence...
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.
24. What was the best book you read?
I haven't been able to read a book in months.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hardly a "discovery", but a sort of revelation for me - when in need of "loud and screechy", I've found that the Nine Inch Nails do the job very nicely...
26. What did you want and get?
Nothing.
27. What did you want and not get?
Love that lasts, a feeling of safety.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
I haven't really seen any films this year.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
As last year, I don't really remember my birthday, though I do know I was in the mental hospital for it. I turned 44.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Same as last year, being loved.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
I don't have a "fashion concept".
32. What kept you sane?
Y certainly did a lot to make me strong enough to get out of the hospital, but I don't think anything has kept me sane.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't seem to be in that kind of mindset any more.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing. I've barely kept up with politics this year.
35. Who did you miss?
Same as last year - my friends in England, my friend in South Africa, and now Y too.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
No one.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013
I'm going to quote Nietzsche for this (in the original German, of course!): "Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blick du Abgrund auch in dich".
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
Two: first, the same as last year: it's from Train's early hit, "Meet Virginia":
Same as last year, I'm afraid! Train, from "Meet Virginia": She pulls her hair back as she screams, "I don't really want to live this life!", and Snow Patrol, from "Chasing Cars": If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world.

So, there you have it. Done and dusted for another year. The way things have started, I'm not holding out much hope for a happier year than the last, oh, 5... but I guess I won't know for sure until I do this questionnaire again next year. Assuming I'm still breathing of course.

Ho, ho, ho

'Tis the season to be jolly, tra, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

It's Christmas in just 10 days, yet I am so far from being in the festive spirit that I find myself wishing I could be back in the locked facility of the mental hospital I was in this time last year. In many ways, life was so much simpler. When you're locked up in a mental hospital, you just do as you're told, take your medication, accept it all.

Now, one year on, my life is still a total mess. I may not be as "sick" as I was back then, but deep down, I'm not sure much has changed. I still cry all the time, I'm still a "protected adult", I'm still fantasising about muscat and other unadvisable behaviours, I'm still in debt.

The difference is that I have to try and function like a normal human being. I have to work, go out, interact with people (though to be honest, I don't do much of that). I have to do shopping (don't do much of that, either), housework (or that). I have to try and get back into the day-to-day running of my business (not easy with a "mandataire" who seems intent on keeping me as a client for the next 20 years).

And it's all that that I'm not doing well at. I lock myself away, rarely leave the house, rarely answer the phone (not that it rings much any more), rarely eat, rarely (oops) take my medication.

What I do do is cry, watch endless amounts of crap on TV because it makes me feel less alone, work. I go to bed too late, get up too late.

My life is slipping away from me. My daughters are growing up and I barely see them. I miss them more than anything, yet can't imagine looking after them. And there's still their hostility to the existence of Y, of course.

Christmas has crept up on me and I just can't get into the swing of things. I haven't sent (bought, written) a single Christmas card, I've done virtually no shopping, I don't even have any real ideas.

If I could, I would just fast-forward to the end of January (Y is going away for a month, he gets back on 27 January), get rid of this whole unwanted festive season.

Sure, I'll be glad to see the back of 2013, but I don't dare raise my hopes for 2014 because every year in the last few years has been worse than the one before and I really don't think I can take much more...

Ho, ho, ho.

Hypo

I think I'm becoming bulimic. Seriously.

I snacked during the day (and no, I'm not proud of it) and then made myself a real, healthy meal this evening. I ate, and then promptly and copiously horked it all up until I felt better. That sounds like a classic definition of bulimia to me.

Fuck.

Like I need more psychiatric conditions in my life.

On the bright side, if this becomes a habit (and it's happened a few times now), I might actually start to lose some of the huge amount of weight I've put on because of my medication (which I take in a very haphazard manner, I must admit, so it may not actually be the cause).

But saying that makes me sound anorexic. Another psychiatric condition.

I seem to be collecting them.

Or maybe I'm just a crazy hypochondriac.

On a more positive note, I signed up for an "event" held by some international organisation on 29 October. I mean, I have absolutely no idea of whether or not I'll actually pluck up the courage to go, but at least I signed up for it (and, by then, I might have been given my monthly €200 so I should be able to afford it). I know I need to make an effort in my life, reach out to people, make new friends, new contacts, because the people I already know here in Montpellier (with the exception of Y, I mean) aren't as present as they need to be for someone like me, and the people I really, really feel close to aren't even in the same country as I am.

On the insistence of Dr H, I've started going to the day hospital at the clinic I spent a year in, and so far I hate it (OK, I've only been once, but spending 45 minutes waiting for the "activity" to start and then spending an hour and a half colouring in a repetitive design (like a segment of patterned wallpaper) doesn't really do it for me), hate being back with the people with whom I spent a year, hate feeling like a patient, even if I am.

I've also done some teaching, and I'm not really enjoying that either - for the very same reason that makes me suspect I may not make it to the event on 29 October: being surrounded by people, the centre of attention (albeit briefly), expected to "perform" like a normal person when that's exactly what I'm incapable of doing.

Maybe the real problem is just that I spend too much time alone and am turning into a bitter old hypochondriac with psychiatric problems coming out of her ears.

Can you tell that this hasn't been a great day (week, month, year, decade)?

What, another post?

Yup, that's right, two posts in 8 days...

Not that I have much to write about, of course, as my life is stunningly dull and un-bloggable, but that's never stopped me before, why should it stop me now?

My decision to do NaNoWriMo again - and the fact that I mentioned it on here, making me feel even more obligated to do it - is on my mind. I have a half-formed, half-baked idea in my head, but don't have a plan or any clear idea of where I want to go with it. I'm kind of scared it's too much for me to take on - just physically typing 50,000 words in addition to all the words I translate in one month is a monumental task, so you can imagine what typing 50,000 coherent words is going to be like. But I am stimulated by challenge and I kind of enjoyed the 2009 version (just wish I could find my story, I'm sure it had promise). So I'm going to give it a go. I'm going to try and get a plan done before 1 November so that "all" I then have to do is actually write the thing, not think about what comes next.

Other than that, the big news (which is nothing fantastic at all, but big in my dull little world) is that tickets to Scotland for Christmas have been purchased, all I need to do now is book a hotel room at Gatwick airport for one night and we'll be set. One week in Scotland with the girls (and my dad, of course). I'm actually quite looking forward to it. Already.

As for me and my mental state, it's not good news. I'm not being assiduous with my medication, so I'm very up and down, down, down. Still crying a lot, still having trouble going to bed at a reasonable time (hey, it's 2.15 am!), still having weird and disturbing dreams, mainly about children dying and me not being able to do anything about it. I've started fantasising about muscat again and am feeling seriously tempted, but the thought of ending up back in the clinic is working pretty well as a deterrent, for the moment at least.

No good news on the girls-accepting-me-being-with-another-man front either, which makes me feel like I'm being pulled apart, having to decide who I see. Why is nothing ever simple?

And there you have it. That's my news for this week. I did warn you that I didn't have much to write about, so don't complain that I'm dull and boring (I already know that)...

North and South

I just can't seem to keep this blog going, can I?

Maybe it's part of being bipolar, being disorganised, being crap at leading a normal life. Things haven't really changed a great deal, except that I'm predictably rubbish at taking my meds (either on time or at all, meaning I'm putting together a nice little stock just in case).

I'm apparently about to be summoned to appear before a judge, along with my ex and my "mandataire" (the guy who's in charge of me (I would say in charge of my financial and administrative affairs, but it feels more like he's in charge of my life as a whole). I'm not sure why my ex would be invited, and I don't like it. I don't think he'll say anything bad about me, but I do hate that he's still considered to be part of my life in all its daily workings, when really he isn't.

So my life is still a mess and I'm having a lot of trouble getting anything done. Except work, which I am managing to do, amazingly enough. I guess that's a good sign. What's less of a good sign is the fact that I lock myself away, day after day, barely leaving the house, barely talking to another human being from one day to the next, with the exception of Y, the new man in my life.

Oh, did I not mention him before? We met almost exactly a year ago in our favourite mental asylum and have been together more or less ever since. He's still there, though in the part that the least hospital-y and more young person's hostel. He's also considerably younger than I am, but who cares? The most important thing is that he's good for me, that I like being with him, that he keeps me going, keeps me stable. We're both skint, so we never do much, but we can live with that.

The flat remains a total mess, except for maybe 50% of the sitting room and 75% of the bathroom, which I guess is progress of sorts, but not the sort that anyone would notice because the rest is still such a tip.

What I have decided is to give NaNoWriMo another go, to see if I can manage to do it again. It's a hell of a lot of work, and requires great discipline (something I lack almost chronically) but I did it in 2009, I'm sure I can do it again (especially as I appear to have lost the one I did 4 years ago).

One last thing - I'm sure you're wondering about the title of this post, which doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything, surely that's wonderfully appropriate no? This post is about nothing at all, and the extreme north and the extreme south are the two poles of the planet - get it? I know, crap. But you really shouldn't expect anything better of me. Not in my state.