Yikes

16 days behind! Holy crap.

On the plus side, I have tidied my desk and quite a lot of my papers, I haven't eaten very much crap food out and about on my own (just once or twice, not bad in over a month) and I've remembered birthdays and stuff.

But I still get the feeling this challenge is, overall, a FAIL.

Plus, I turn 40 on MONDAY. That's 5 days, people. And I'm feeling OOOOOLLLLDDDDD.

But to catch up a little:
Day 21: tidy the bathroom.
Day 22: tidy the kitchen and get it sorted once and for all.
Day 23: try and stop moaning and complaining quite so much.
Day 24: try and tell my daughters sometime soon about their big sister and how important she is to me.
Day 25: try and make real, meaningful contact with C's schoolfriends' parents so she can have some chance of seeing them during the holidays. We've pretty much got it sussed for L, but for C it's proving much harder.
Day 26: organise a good summer holiday for the girls - rest time, activities, outings, friends...
Day 27: start wearing more jewellery and perhaps a little make-up (or am I going too far?!).
Day 28: make sure that I go to one professional conference or some such thing every year, just to get me some real "me time", like when I went to Lisbon last October.
Day 29: write down my memories as a souvenir for the girls - I have little close family, few photos, so I'll need to get things down in writing if they're to have any idea about my childhood, my family.
Day 30: try and put my creative urges to use, usefully (that's nice and vague, isn't it?!). I know I have it in me to "do" things, I just have to find that special thing...
Day 31: really start listening to music again (D can't work with music playing and I can't put music on when I work at night in case it wakes L up), as there must be times when I can start going through my CD collection again, instead of always listening to the same four or five (Madonna's "Confessions", U2 greatest hits, Neil Diamond (no, I'm not embarrassed AT ALL), Eric Satie and Lloyd Cole and the Commotions "Rattlesnake").
Day 32: book myself on to some kind of "sport" class (to replace my tai chi, so nothing too demanding, obviously).
Day 33: maybe even (very discreetly) take up driving again (now that I've found my driver's licence, lost since Feb 2006) and really surprise D, assuming we ever have a car that works again.
Day 34: go to the fabulous art museum here more often - I have a yearly subscription which is only valid if I go at least 5 times. I got my renewal today and have been once, so I now have 12 months for at least 4 visits. That should be doable, even by me...
Day 35: read at least one book in French every month (probably haven't read French lit since I tried Zola again way back in '99...).
Day 36: try and write on my blog more often (hmmmm...).

I feel like I'm setting myself an impossibly daunting challenge, but deep down, I know I could be happier, less frustrated, if I actually stuck to this.

To be fair, I haven't been doing so badly, and I've failed in less than I thought. But that said, I haven't lost a gram in weight, haven't had my hair cut, haven't been to bed before 4 am this week (and it's already 2 am as I type this)...

I'm trying. I really am. And I do so want to get stuff done. The office part of our main room is looking better because I have done a lot of work (even if it's far from finished) and it is, as a consequence, nicer to live in.

I'm hoping to build on this, continue the good work, keep going and make 40 the year I change into a grown-up, a real one, not just someone pretending.

Only 5 days to go, guys!

Fail

Yup, I failed. Didn't get to bed till 2.45 am, ate bonbons all morning (and made myself feel sick), got pretty much fuck all done today.

Total funk.

BUT. Did mention my heart's desire-for-a-birthday-present to D (a day at a spa place near where we'll be on holiday this summer), did get most of my tax forms done (not the main one, of course, but the smaller, easier ones. Plus the on-line declaration thing only doesn't work for me, so I'm pretty much fucked there too) and did do some work on the school newspaper (nearly printing time if I'm not mistaken), so not a total waste of time. Oh, and despite little sleep (in bed at 2.45, up at 7.30) I didn't go back to bed. What a hero.

And D started looking into cars (depressing business, but absolutely vital), and he's actually got some work to do, and the weather forecast no longer mentions storms and thunder, just rain, so maybe, just maybe, it'll all fizzle out and at least be dry for the party on Sunday, and bought L's main present - a Tinkerbell "computer" that she's been aching for since last year.

Still have a shitload of stuff to do, though.

And I'm totally motivationless at the moment. Can't be arsed to do anything. Feel fat and ugly, tired and dissatisfied, depressed and worried about money. Not to mention OLD.

With my MIL starting to get really nasty (last week, she and D had another row and she claimed that my father and I are a bad influence on him, that we're stifling his natural character and trying to transform him into "one of us" (which makes us sound like aliens when obviously we're not. Beep. Beep.) bla, bla, bla). All I can say is that I really hope I don't pick up the phone to her any time soon because I might just let rip - this woman is POISON and I've been too polite for too long. I feel that the time has come to get nasty right back.

Maybe this is the New Me - more candid, less conciliatory, more enflamed. More passionate, perhaps.

Anyway.

Day 16: I'm going to sort through all my clothes - four different piles: still wear, throw away, give away, keep but don't wear. And that last pile will go in plastic IKEA boxes down in the cellar. And then I'll really tidy up my wardrobe and drawers, so that I can find stuff when I want it and so that I can actually hang stuff up in the wardrobe. To be honest, I'm kind of embarrassed that I even have to write stuff like this - my guess is that to most people this is a total no-brainer. But mess is one of my middle names, and lazy is the other, so the result is heaps of stuff, badly folded, stuffed in drawers and on shelves, totally unfindable.

And please, keep praying that it won't rain on Sunday!

100

Can you believe this is my 100th post? I feel like I should be doing something special, but can't think of anything special to do... Maybe I'll come back to this and celebrate a random number when I've come up with something...

Anyway.

Our short week in Arles was nice, my father's visit was nice (C and L had such fun playing with him!), I'm still stressed and freaked about my tax forms (stuff still not found, the on-line declaration thingy isn't working, e-mails for assistance are unanswered...), I have a shitload of stuff to do for L's upcoming (SUNDAY - gah) 5th birthday party (not to mention we're supposedly holding it at a park and Sunday is the only day this week with THUNDER promised and the park is about 20 minutes from our place and we still don't have a car and our flat is small and I really, really don't feel like entertaining 15 kids (15!) here on Sunday and maybe I should use some punctuation once in a while too), and well, you know.

No car. Such a bummer.

No money, even worse.

And my Challenge? Well, I'm pretty behind in my "40 things before I'm 40", but other than that, and apart from 2 packets (30 g each) of crisps, I've done pretty well. Haven't bought any clothes at all, haven't eaten crappy food, my desk is sort of tidy (though my paperwork is still a total disaster), I've been looking after my skin and I remembered to send a birthday card to a friend from years ago. I feel quite proud of myself.

That said, I have an awful lot of challenges to find (I'm on Day 15 and only have 5 down in print so far)...

Here we go:
Day 6: I'm going to get my hair cut in an attempt to make me feel better about the way I look (it'll take more than that, believe me, but it'll be a start)
Day 7: I'm going to keep my nails pretty this summer (polished, yes, but redone when needed, not just waiting till all the varnish has chipped off)
Day 8: I'm going to get myself a check-up - if nothing else to deal with all the god-awful sneezing
Day 9: I'm going to get my "memory box" up and running. Unsurprisingly (stationery freak that I am), I've already bought the box itself, now I just have to get my memories together and put them in... And, being a total packrat, I suspect I might need more than one box...
Day 10: I'm going to order some stuff from a catalogue (no, not clothes - "beauty products" ha! ha!) so that I can get their free gift - an exercise strap thing, and I'm going to try and use it regularly
Day 11: I have to find a way to drop hints for D (and not too subtle hints at that) as what I want for my birthday (a spa day when we're on holiday near Biarritz in July)
Day 12: I really want to sort out all our book shelves - there's no order at all, so books (given that we must have over 1,000) are almost impossible to find, and I want to put them by type of book, not in alphabetical order
Day 13: I want to get my photos sorted out, too, and put the decent paper versions in nice albums to show the girls as they get older
Day 14: I'm going to try to stop sleeping during the day (which basically means not going to bed after, say, 1 am - tonight is going to be tough, it's already 12.50 am and I haven't had my shower yet...)
and finally
Day 15: I'm really going to try and do my accounts at least quarterly (instead of waiting till one month before tax declaration day and then having to do one year's accounts in one sitting).

Wow, I'm going to be such a changed person!

So, have to go and have my shower really quickly (I've also promised to take the girls to school tomorrow, so I've got to be up and dressed by 8.20 anyway) so I can be in bed not too much after 1 am...

And 100 posts. Wow. I'm impressed with myself!

Happy Easter!

Although my father's arriving from Scotland this afternoon (and I'm looking forward to seeing him), I'm thoroughly stressed out about the next two-and-a-bit days.

I have SO MUCH to do! I'm not going to list it all, but just let you know that on my "list of things to do" there are currently 17 things, many of which are not just quick, dash them off type of things. And it's already 3.30 am.

D was supposed to do one of the things this evening - make the ratatouille. It's not hard to do, just a little time-consuming. He said he didn't want to stay up late (fair enough), but by the time he did go to bed he could quite easily have made the ratatouille. The truth was he just couldn't be bothered and preferred to vegetate in front of the TV while I worked (of course). So, and because he of course wants to go to church tomorrow (he hardly ever goes, so of course he decides he wants to go the very weekend I have a mountain of stuff to do), I guess I'll have to try and make it, in between all the rest of the stuff I have to do.

And it's been absolutely pouring with rain for over 24 hours now - I feel like I should be adding "build an Ark" to my list...

For the Challenge, I didn't eat crap today (couldn't really - I didn't go out) and I didn't buy any clothes off the internet, but I didn't really get anywhere with my paperwork (though it was - and still is - on my list, of course). So that'll have to be tomorrow, now.

For Day 4, I've decided to try and take better care of myself - never "forgetting" (for which read "being too lazy") to do my skin care stuff at the end of the day, trying to wash my hair more often, dress a little better, do my legs a little more often, do my nails, you get the picture.

I'm almost 40 and I really do feel big, lumpy, blimpy, old and ugly. And I have to do something about that. My beautiful girls tell me I'm beautiful too, but that's only because a) I'm their maman and b) they're still very young. But now I want them to at least not be ashamed of me as they grow older (some of the mothers at their school are terrifyingly French-chic... I know I'll never look like that, but if I could at least try and look smart and well-turned out, that would be enough).

This Challenge is really tough - but I'm hoping to emerge like a butterfly (OK, an OLD butterfly) at the end of it!

Happy Easter - and enjoy all that chocolate!

Day 3...

...sort of.

By which I mean that today was such a non-event of a day (for me) that I'm not sure it even counts. I did, however, throw out some junk mail today, junk mail of the type I usually keep and scan for possible bargains, so I guess I did something good.

As for the Challenge, well, I'm beginning to wonder how I'll ever find 40 things to do - I'm already struggling with number 3. It's not that I can't think of things I'd like to do, or even should do. It's more that I want to succeed, and many of the things I'd like to do (and, even worse, the things I should do) are the kinds of things I'll fuck up. And I don't want to start making rash promises doomed for failure from the start (you know, things like "I'll do 30 minutes of real exercise every day" - we ALL know I'll fail that one, probably on the very first goddamn day). So what have I come up with, that isn't a total cop-out, isn't totally trivial and isn't just insane?

I'm going to get my professional paperwork in order.

I feel sick with stress just looking at that sentence. It's such a tall order - you cannot believe the mess my professional papers are in (just one, tiny example: I have to get all my professional accounts for 2008 finished (I know, I know, it's April 2009 already. Tell me about it) and I probably would have done by now if I hadn't totally lost my two bank account statements for May 2008... Just a gaping hole in my account book. Total nightmare).

Yes, it's an excuse to go crazy in a stationery shop - but I've already done that. And yes, I need to get D to put my snazzy red IKEA shelf up above my desk, but we all know that's just a pretext. The real problem is that I'm hopelessly disorganised.

BUT.

Although I'm not saying I'll get my paperwork in order by my birthday (I have to be reasonable - we're going away next week, I have my accounts and stuff to do, my tax forms, shitloads of invoices, tons of work, the school newspaper...bla, bla, bla),

I DO FULLY INTEND TO HAVE MADE SOME SERIOUS HEADWAY.

My real aim is to be able to do my accounts on a monthly basis. Hardly the stuff dreams are made of, but if I could get my arse in gear and do my accounts that way, it would be much quicker, much less stressful.

So there you have it. I'm going to get out all my lovely, shiny, new folders, files, archive boxes and what have you, and I'm going to make a start.

But first, I could really do with some chocolate. Or maybe some cheese on toast. Or some porridge....

Day 2

Today's challenge: to stop buying clothes on line that I most likely will never dare to wear.



I know, that makes it sound like I buy all kinds of kinky, sexy, lacy, frilly, latex or leather stuff.



WHICH I DON'T.



But what I do (often) buy is stuff that looks great on the internet (ie, on a model who is evidently both much slimmer and much younger than I am) but then either doesn't fit me properly - I know, that means "send it back" or "get a different (usually bigger *sniff*) size", but I'm always too caught up in my "but it'll fit/look great once I've lost some weight" fantasies, so I end up with shitloads of stuff in my wardrobe - or does fit but makes me look like a grounded whale. Either way, I have shitloads of cute clothes in my wardrobe that I can't and/or won't wear. And don't even get me on to the subject of shoes (that's a whole other post, people).



As for yesterday's challenge, well, I guess I've kind of done OK - we had lunch at IKEA and yes, I caved in and took chips with my chicken and green beans. But there weren't many and I wasn't on my own... And then I had a slice of Daim cake... So maybe I didn't do so great after all. But as I said, it wasn't in secret, so I've sort of kept my promise.



For the clothes, it'll be tougher still - all I need is to get an e-mail from one of my favourite on line shops announcing either a mega reduction or a fantastic and extremely desirable free gift and I'll be tempted. But I'm going to try and hold out till after my birthday. Should be possible.



One other thing - after all my stressing and worrying, C's appointment at the doctor showed only that her heart is in great shape. Her murmur is "organic" (like Mrs C. said) and absolutely nothing to worry about. Such a relief!



Of course, the other day L got taken away in an ambulance (though that was mainly because we still don't have a car) with a temperature of 38.7°C and a "sore neck"... Obviously, for C and I (left at home), panic levels were high, me morbidly Googling meningitis and making myself almost hyperventilate and C sad because her little sister wasn't around. But in the end, all was well and D and L came home "tired but happy" with nothing more than a diagnosis of some weird, unknown virus and a prescription for aspirin. But it was stressful all the same. And seeing my sweet baby being driven away in an ambulance WITHOUT ME was horrific.

So. I'm now only 39 days away from turning 40, but my sweet little girls are in good health. All the rest is unimportant.

Not quite as planned

But new years never are, are they?

I always, somewhat naively, assume that the start of a new year is going to make me change some, if not all, of my many bad habits. That things will change around me, that I'll suddenly find the happiness I've always seen as being strangely elusive.

But of course it's not true.

The weather - by south of France standards - is crap, I've been up late every night, up late every morning (except today, as it was back-to-school day so I had to get up for that, but of course I was back in bed by 9.30), I've gone back to my eating too much junk all night (chocolate porridge yesterday, crisps and cake tonight) and I feel lousy.

To cap it all, D and I have now had 2 very disturbing conversations - one yesterday, in which he went back to one of his favourite themes: my "lacking something". He claims it's because I'm "the most truly atheist person he's ever met", but then completed that with insinuations that I have no imagination, lack emotion, lack feeling... That I'm a fucking robot, in other words. I was really angry (though we've had this conversation many times before, usually with me ending in tears), but held back from crying and held back from making all the criticisms of him I could make (and there are many - the main one being his total incapacity to hold down any kind of money-earning activity). Bastard.

Then we had another conversation this evening, starting with C's upcoming birthday party. One of the little girls coming has a name I hate. I told D that this girl's mother had confirmed her daughter was coming and he said how he really liked the name. I then said "yes, it's great, if you're into Eastern European hookers or something", which in turn got him on to the subject of one of the times (in our first couple of years together) he was unfaithful to me. And how! It was 1998 and we were on holiday in Bulgaria. He (in my company) got talking to a group of Ukrainian women (all sluts, is my guess, but I could be wrong) and then basically told me to bugger off back to our hotel on my own. He spent the night (so he told me) with one of them (the one with the same name as the girl C has invited), came back, vaguely apologised and then, later on, laid into me for spoiling the holiday and being a bitch. I know I was spineless and pathetic and should have told him to go shove it, but I was getting desperate for a baby, had never met anyone who wanted to stay with me (what's wrong with me?!) and was terrified, at nearly 30, of never getting a chance again. So I took it on the chin and "forgave" him. Except of course I've never really forgiven him for humiliating and insulting me like that. And that means that nearly every time we argue, this hideous incident rears its ugly head.

Yeah, I have a pretty fucked up relationship with D. Sometimes I really don't think he knows me (or cares) at all. And I'm pretty sure he only stays with me because I'm the breadwinner (and always have been). And I only stay with him because I'm more or less sure I'll never find anyone else. Hardly healthy, I admit.

That said, we do seem to get along pretty well, and don't actually fight that often, despite the fact that we spend most of our time together (both working from home (though he doesn't actually work very much)). Maybe I'm just being blind, stupid and naive. But it's all I've got right now. And we have our sweet girls to think of, too.

But those two conversations have really shaken me up, thrown me down and left me in a total funk. It's nearly 3 am and I'm cold as hell, but I'm too wound up to sleep.

And, final nail in the coffin of this new year, money worries continue - many clients are just not paying me what they owe, I'm overdrawn in both my private and professional accounts and, because I'm in a funk, all I can think of is BURNING PLASTIC. Especially as the sales start here on Wednesday.

What a crap start to 2009!

I hope your new year is going better (and that mine improves!).

Plus ça change...

So, here we are at the end of the second day of the new year already...

It's a good job I didn't really make any resolutions, as all the things that would probably have been on the list have already gone down the toilet...

Viz: it's 2.44 am, I'm not in bed, I'm still working, I got up at midday today and I am, as I type, eating my way through a pack of sweets I don't really like just because they're there. I've done nothing even remotely resembling exercise (and am unlikely to do anthing about that till my Tai chi class starts up again on Thursday) and have eaten vast amounts of food over the holidays.

Oh, and I've been pretty snarky and impatient with the girls on occasion, too.

"Wife"* and Mother of the Year and it's only 3 January.

Don't know how I do it, I really don't.

But tomorrow we're going to Mare Nostrum, Montpellier's funky new aquarium (complete with simulated boat-in-a-storm, plus real sharks and penguins!), and on Sunday friends (one of whom is the girls' godfather) are coming round to celebrate C's birthday a week late because they've been away. So I'm not down in the dumps or anything, just somewhat disgusted that I can't even take advantage of the new year to change my stupid ways.

Oh, and the text I'm translating right now is so hard, so dull and so obscure (something to do with safety testing in a nuclear power plant, but I'll be damned if I've understood any more than that) that I just want to send it back to my client and say "sorry, I can't be arsed to do this one, hope you find someone else to translate your 12,000 words by 7 January!", even though I know I won't do that and will stay up till dawn trying to finish the damn thing.

It also looks like the new year hasn't brought an end to my hopelessly long and complex sentences either!

Anyway, I hope your 2009 has got off to a rocking good start and that it continues in the same fashion till 31 December!

* Of course, D and I aren't married, though we've been "together" (including during a very rough first year) since April 1996, which is so long it's kind of scary. Especially when you compute in what my "love life" was like before that (a scarce few, mostly depressing, one-night-stands, lots of unrequited love), but that's a whole different story!

Overwhelmed

I just can't seem to keep my head above water right now.

I have a ton of work (which is, in theory, a GOOD THING, what with credit crunches and all, but oh, my, do I feel squeezed!), I have a million other things to do (why did I say I'd get involved in the school newsletter? Why did I say I'd make 50 truffles and 20 tree decorations and 50 gift tags to sell at the school Christmas market NEXT WEEK?) and I am soooooo tired. All I can think about is horizontality.

Pure, blissful, unadulterated horizontality.

You should perhaps know (and yes, I'm weird like this) that my favourite activity in bed - by a looooonnnnnnggggg way - is SLEEPING. There is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - I would rather do in bed. Unless perhaps it was something that involved Johnny Depp, but that's another story.

Right now, I'm existing on about 4 hours' sleep a night, plus an hour and a half "napping" during the day when I'm so tired I'm going bug-eyed in front of the computer.

It's not healthy, and it's definitely NOT what I'd planned for the New Me, but I have to admit that the New Me is probably not going to happen because I just don't have the discipline.

And of course D will be away this weekend, up in Paris for his mother's birthday, meaning more hassles here (Saturday morning: C and L BOTH have activities at 9.30, but in TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLACES. And then at 11, L and I have to be at the place where C does her activity because the kids are putting on a Christmas show, and I think we're going to have to take a taxi or else we'll never be there on time. And of course I have to BAKE something for this too, on Friday evening after coming back from C's swim class).

And don't even get me started on the subject of Christmas cards (which I promised the girls we'd make this year - I must be stark, raving MAD) or Christmas presents...

Overwhelmed. It's the only word.

Except perhaps T.I.R.E.D.

Stubborn as a mule

I can take it. Really, I can. I can stand up and say (though not proudly, obviously) that I did NaBloPoMo in November and I FAILED. Twice.

No, I'm not proud.

But I am obviously stupid.

Because I've signed up to do it again in December (you know, the month with SCHOOL HOLIDAYS and that Christmas panic and VISITING MILs and what have you).

Because I'm stubborn (or stupid) like that. Take your pick.

And also because I kind of like the discipline it requires.

And because I want to prove (to myself, as no one else is probably reading all this drivel) that I CAN be disciplined, despite the failure of the rest of my New Me programme (still going to bed too late, still eating huge amounts of crap, still muffin-topping, still disorganised).

And I'm going to keep on signing up till I succeed!

Wish me luck this time round!

So exciting!

Can't believe it! It's not even 1 am and I am really not far away from going to bed! I won't have been to bed this early in weeks, if not months! (Though to be fair, I'm not actually in bed yet...)

Progress!

And tomorrow is my Tai Chi class. And I weighed myself last night and I've somehow managed to lose 4 kg WITHOUT EVEN TRYING (except wishful thinking as I chow down on yet more crap at 2 am).

Beautiful times, people, these are beautiful times!

Praying Mantis vs Playmobil

Picture this:
The scene: a large, vaulted room with beautiful stone walls, wood floors and one whole wall made of mirrors. Plinky-plonky Oriental-type music (with a hint of "the Bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond" at intervals) and a smell of patchouli pervade the room.
The players: Pierre, a young (but thankfully probably not young enough for me to be old enough to be his mother), lithe athletic type - "Teacher" - and Yours Truly, a not very young at all, not lithe at all, Playmobil-rigid type - "Pupil"
The occasion: my Tai Chi class

(Plinky-plonk, plinky-plonk)
We go through our warm-up exercises, and I'm doing OK.
Then we move on to our first (and so far, only) movement.
For the first time (this is only my 5th class) I actually manage to remember about half of the movement. Not that I do it right, but it's more or less there.
Then we complete it and yes, it's all coming back to me now.
Turn your pelvis this way, your back leg that way, put your hand a little lower, breathe in, breathe out... stroke the dragon or whatever.
Yup, I've kind of got it.
A STAR IS BORN.
Errr... well, no, not quite.
To explain the why and what for of the movement, Pierre (knowing that my only "knowledge" of anything martial-artiform comes from having watched "Kung-Fu Panda" this summer) transforms himself in turn into the Praying Mantis, the Monkey and the Tiger (strangely, he doesn't do the Panda - I guess that's my task). Leaping, light as air yet powerful. Lithe, supple, effortless.
Whilst I remain a slightly-chunky-round-the-middle Playmobil with the grace and agility of... well, Po the Panda I guess.
My only hope: that things turn out as well for me as they do for Po - but I'm not holding my breath.

Despite my "new me" gig (which doesn't actually seem to be going very well, it must be said), I feel very much like some kind of fat, ugly blimp right now.
And when I feel like that, all I want to do is eat crap.
I managed to eat my way through a shitload of sweets this afternoon, but have been moderately reasonable this evening (though only because I don't have any more crap to eat).
And, to further complete my wallowing, I've been listening to "my" music - the stuff D mainly thinks of as garbage (though I don't necessarily think much of all his music tastes either). I've played my Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD, my Cyndi Lauper Greatest Hits CD and would have played Shirley Bassey too if D and the girls hadn't come home...
Don't really know what's brought all this on... Sure, my hair is APPALLING: I truly look like either a witch (hair down) or one of the backing singers from Robert Palmer's famous video (though redhead, not black, and without the fab figure too, of course). I'm muffin-topping like crazy (all that chocolate, natch), I haven't done my legs in weeks, my nails are a mess, my teeth are as hideous as ever...
But the girls were generally well-behaved today, and mostly pretty cute... Not that I did any tidying up to speak of, of course, but the plans are there, oh, yes, the plans... I know exactly what I plan to do!
I guess I should just stop moaning, go and eat the bowl of chocolate cereal I've been fantasising about and get my fat arse to bed!
Tomorrow is another day, as they say, and I'm hoping to get some tidying done!

Gratuitous photos

Well, I'm still pissed off that I've fucked up NaBloPoMo - it really isn't a hard thing to do and yet I managed to fuck up after only 9 days... Pathetic.

And I've eaten another shitload of chocolate (not to mention the crackers and marmalade earlier on) this evening so I feel sick all over again. Even more pathetic.

BUT:

I've sort of started tidying up the crap heaped up behind my desk (haven't got very far, of course, but at least I've started... and the heap has been there for around 2 years, after all!) and intend to take advantage of the rain promised for tomorrow to KEEP GOING and maybe even get things looking presentable in at least 10% of this flat. Woohoo!

AND:

As I said to Busted yesterday, here are some gratuitous pictures of my wonderful (but slightly chubby) cat, Tom. He really is an exceptional feline: to start with, he has an exceptional appetite and would/could probably eat his bodyweight in croquettes every day if given the chance. But better than that, he's amazingly affectionate, highly sensitive to mood and state of mind, fun-loving and playful even at the advanced age of 11 and a half and, oh, just an all-round purrfect cat! Not that I'm biased, or anything...

Just look at the intelligent, thoughtful pose...

...and that lean, svelte body...(OK, not so much - but oh, soooo fluffy and soft!)

...and finally, the brooding film star look...!

Crisis

No, not THAT crisis (I'm ostrichly putting my head in the sand about that - the thought of our mortgage going up brings me out in hives so I prefer to not think about it AT. ALL. and just let D deal with any hassle), the crisis I'm talking about is much more insignificant (though only to you, perhaps).

I'm talking about my OH. MY. GOD. THIS. FLAT'S. A. MESS. crisis. Now, I know lots of people say this kind of thing when really their homes are pretty much Ideal Home material. But when I say "our flat's a mess", I REALLY mean it. The girls leave their stuff (paper, scissors, Barbie dolls, tea set bits, miscellaneous plastic things that MUST NOT BE THROWN OUT, pencils, pens, plastic bags... you get my drift) everywhere, I haven't "organised" my office paperwork properly since, oh, probably 1995 (really) and D is about the same. I start doing stuff, but then get caught up in OTHER stuff and never finish.

Add to that extra furniture (bought from friends who moved back to Madrid) sitting in the middle of the sitting room, boxes and boxes of stuff to go down to the cellar (assuming D ever makes enough space to take them there), boxes of furniture in kits that needs to be assembled, plastic bags of STUFF all over the floor, a dishwasher sitting in the middle of the kitchen because it won't fit in the space used for a dishwasher by the previous owners... I could go on, but fortunately for you I won't. I'm sure you get the picture.

I swear, I'm going insane! And I don't know where to start - which room? They're all as bad as each other (though different, too).

Really, this has reached epic, crisis proportions and I've now got to the stage where I'm praying for rain so that I don't have to go out, meaning I might get the chance to get started on something.

But it all feels so hopeless... Whatever I do will be nothing more than a drop in the ocean...

My "plans" were for it "all" to be done (including my somewhat over-optimistic plans to decorate the girls' bedroom) by Christmas. This is starting to seem like cloud-cuckoo-land.

But I have to do something because I'm hoping (assuming we're not obliged to go to Paris) to have a small party for C's 7th birthday here on 27 December... And there's NO WAY I'm letting the posh kids (and their parents) from the girls' new school come here and see what a f*cking tip we live in...

I'm embarrassed enough when the neighbours see the place...

I know, I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do, I can't help it.

So, part of the New Me is to seriously get my a*se in gear and get going on Mission Tidy-Up.

Mantra: This flat will be presentable by Christmas.

Repeat 1,000 times.

Christmas is coming!

No progress as yet on the "staying at home"/"visiting my dreaded MIL in her tiny flat in Paris" saga - D is actually just not phoning her at all - but we did something today that is truly Christmassy...

We checked out (potential) presents!

We went to our local Décathlon (a huge sports chain) and sussed out which bikes the girls would like - a bright pink "Princess" 16" job for L and a purpley-pink 20" version for C, which is a little awkward as C (despite being nearly 7) can't actually ride a bike without stabilisers and of course the 20" versions don't come with stabilisers. But we're hopeful the motivation will carry her through...

And we are seriously thinking about buying an exercise bike (all electronic and flash) for ourselves. I admit that it's not quite the present I would have thought of for myself, but D's really keen and suggested we get it for each other from each other. So I'm seeing it as part of the "new me": if I do the recommended minimum of 30 minutes twice a week, I'll be doing 2 hours of sport a week (I have a one-hour Tai Chi class too), which is more than I've done since high school.

And I've even stuck to NaBloPoMo, too (so far, anyway, though I doubt anyone's keeping tabs).

A New Me, indeed.

Now I just need to cut back on the crap I eat (oh, those midnight munchies!), which could be tough with CHRISTMAS just around the corner... But I'm just going to keep up my mantra "New Me", "New Me", "New Me"...