I think I'm slowly losing my mind. I don't know if it's the chronic lack of sleep (and constant, constant desire to go get horizontal under the duvet), the fact that I'm drowning in a paradoxical situation of oceans of words to translate - all of which will be paid some time in the future - and rivers of debt, or just middle age but seriously. Seriously. Right now? I have the attention span of a 1 year old, the will power of a jelly-like-thing-with-no-will-power and the discipline of a... of a... whatever doesn't have any discipline. Lindsay, perhaps? (Is she really famous enough to be able to go just by her first name? I guess she's lucky there aren't that many "stars" called Lindsay - don't know what she'd've done if she'd been called Jennifer or something. I digress). Whatever. You get the drift. Discipline, I don't have much of it.
And it feels like I'm insane. I have a shitload of stuff to do this weekend, I should have been working my arse off all week - and, whilst I have done a huge number of words this week, I know - KNOW - I both COULD and SHOULD have done a fuck load more - and all I can do is watch videos on YouTube, read blogs, waste time on Twitter and Facebook, etc.
This is going to be a hell of a weekend.
And my "To Do" list reads like something someone insane would write, too: aside from the shitload of words to translate (and by "shitload" I mean about 6,000 a day, which is HUGE), I have to prepare a picnic for Sunday lunch, then go on said picnic and following stroll around the botanical gardens; I have to buy cat food; I have to buy fruit and vegetables from the market (my MIL's paranoia about Japanese radioactive cloud fallout nonwithstanding); I have to tidy the hell up of the sitting room; I have to clean the bathroom and the cooker; I have to do laundry; I have to make a large pink pompom and giant felt carrot for L's carnaval costume (rabbit, in case you hadn't guessed - at least we already have the ears) and I have correspondence to deal with - invoices, postcards (I've joined PostCrossing! Such fun - 2 of my cards have arrived already, one in Holland, the other in the US), e-mails, plus telephone calls...
I mean seriously? Is there anyone who could look at that list and think, "Yeah, that seems reasonable for 2 days..."? And it doesn't even include the totally normal stuff - brushing the girls' hair, preparing meals, dealing with the dishwasher, preparing school bags, supervising homework...
GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est work. Afficher tous les articles
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est work. Afficher tous les articles
samedi 26 mars 2011
mercredi 23 mars 2011
List
This is likely going to make for pretty dull reading (no change there, then) but Swistle did a fantastic post listing all her problems of the moment and I thought maybe I could get some sense in my life if I did the same... More likely, though, is that it's going to be a long list of moans and complaints. Tough shit.
OK, on to the Things That Are Making Life Difficult Right Now
1. Work. Oh God, there's so much! I'm not really complaining as I need it and I need the money it'll (eventually) produce but Lordy, there are only 24 hours in a day and what I've got lined up for the next 5 days is pretty close to inhuman...
2. Money. Always, ever. I don't know how it always seems to be that I'm broke. Right now, I've attained critical mass, so to speak. My direct debits are all being refused, one of my credit cards won't work, the other most likely won't either, clients are taking forever to pay me, I'm too submerged in work to get my invoices done (16 still to do, though admittedly at least half are for the end of this month and a few others needed extra information from the client that took it's time coming. But still), I haven't done food shopping in 3 weeks so there is almost literally NOTHING to eat - even the freezer is almost empty. I'm not sure how to deal with this.
3. Household crap. So much mess everywhere, haven't done housework in as long as I can remember, laundry (clean) piled in a HUGE heap in my bedroom, never folded or put away... My desk is covered in tottering towers of crap, there are more piles of STUFF all around me, the girls never put anything away, the floor's covered in dust bunnies, the kitchen's a mess, the bathroom's a mess... GAH
4. D. This is the biggie in that there's not much I can do about it. Sometimes we get on fine enough, though my anger at this whole miserable situation is never far from the surface to be honest. Now he's requesting (reasonably, I know) his share of my flat back. 24,000 fucking Euros. Plus (according to the solicitor I saw) 11,000 fucking Euros to get the deeds redone in my name only. I'm not sure even my dad can fork out 38,000 motherfucking Euros in one fell swoop, just like that. Especially as all that money will do precisely NOTHING to help my own financial woes. I know D is wholly entitled to his money, but the fact that he's not taken any of the advice I've ever given him about finding work etc., hence perpetuating his own dire financial situation, makes me mad. It all makes me mad, actually.
5. Life. That sounds ridiculously trite, right? But really, my "life" sucks so badly right now I'm in a total funk just about the whole time. I'm lonely as hell, miserable as hell, resentful as hell. And that makes me irritable with my sweet girls, it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me wish everything were different. The thought of spending the rest of my "life" like this depresses me beyond belief.
6. That's actually it. Can you believe it? Only 5 things on my list! This must be your lucky day!
OK, now, let's try to be positive...(I may not reach even 5 on this list...)
1. My dear friend J and her husband and 2 kids will be holidaying near here this summer and WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER. That may not sound like much, but holy crap, I miss this chick... Spending 2 or 3 days together once a year is just CRAP. This will be lovely, and I'm really looking forward to it.
2. My little girls. They bug the shit out of me more than I care to admit, they drive me batshit a fair amount of the time but oh, how I love them! They're bright and beautiful and funny and loving and fun and so perfect... My big aim in life now is to make sure they have a better life than I've had.
3. Tom. Stroking his silky fur is unbelievably soothing. I love when he curls up next to me, I love his there-ness, his reliability. He keeps me sane.
4. The internet. Seriously, without the internet I think I'd die. Not only do I need it for my work and almost all the shopping I do (food, books, clothes, DVDs, CDs, presents, toys, travel arrangements...), it's also my lifeline to a better world, a world where I can forget all the crap in my life and enjoy things. There are a number of blogs I read regularly, that allow me to make contact (albeit in a pretty one-sided way given that I mean nothing to their authors) with other people, people who make me laugh, or cry, or whatever. It's kind of like living vicariously (like I'll be doing with BlogHer this summer), but hey, it's all I got right now, so bite me.
5. That's all, folks!
OK, on to the Things That Are Making Life Difficult Right Now
1. Work. Oh God, there's so much! I'm not really complaining as I need it and I need the money it'll (eventually) produce but Lordy, there are only 24 hours in a day and what I've got lined up for the next 5 days is pretty close to inhuman...
2. Money. Always, ever. I don't know how it always seems to be that I'm broke. Right now, I've attained critical mass, so to speak. My direct debits are all being refused, one of my credit cards won't work, the other most likely won't either, clients are taking forever to pay me, I'm too submerged in work to get my invoices done (16 still to do, though admittedly at least half are for the end of this month and a few others needed extra information from the client that took it's time coming. But still), I haven't done food shopping in 3 weeks so there is almost literally NOTHING to eat - even the freezer is almost empty. I'm not sure how to deal with this.
3. Household crap. So much mess everywhere, haven't done housework in as long as I can remember, laundry (clean) piled in a HUGE heap in my bedroom, never folded or put away... My desk is covered in tottering towers of crap, there are more piles of STUFF all around me, the girls never put anything away, the floor's covered in dust bunnies, the kitchen's a mess, the bathroom's a mess... GAH
4. D. This is the biggie in that there's not much I can do about it. Sometimes we get on fine enough, though my anger at this whole miserable situation is never far from the surface to be honest. Now he's requesting (reasonably, I know) his share of my flat back. 24,000 fucking Euros. Plus (according to the solicitor I saw) 11,000 fucking Euros to get the deeds redone in my name only. I'm not sure even my dad can fork out 38,000 motherfucking Euros in one fell swoop, just like that. Especially as all that money will do precisely NOTHING to help my own financial woes. I know D is wholly entitled to his money, but the fact that he's not taken any of the advice I've ever given him about finding work etc., hence perpetuating his own dire financial situation, makes me mad. It all makes me mad, actually.
5. Life. That sounds ridiculously trite, right? But really, my "life" sucks so badly right now I'm in a total funk just about the whole time. I'm lonely as hell, miserable as hell, resentful as hell. And that makes me irritable with my sweet girls, it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me wish everything were different. The thought of spending the rest of my "life" like this depresses me beyond belief.
6. That's actually it. Can you believe it? Only 5 things on my list! This must be your lucky day!
OK, now, let's try to be positive...(I may not reach even 5 on this list...)
1. My dear friend J and her husband and 2 kids will be holidaying near here this summer and WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER. That may not sound like much, but holy crap, I miss this chick... Spending 2 or 3 days together once a year is just CRAP. This will be lovely, and I'm really looking forward to it.
2. My little girls. They bug the shit out of me more than I care to admit, they drive me batshit a fair amount of the time but oh, how I love them! They're bright and beautiful and funny and loving and fun and so perfect... My big aim in life now is to make sure they have a better life than I've had.
3. Tom. Stroking his silky fur is unbelievably soothing. I love when he curls up next to me, I love his there-ness, his reliability. He keeps me sane.
4. The internet. Seriously, without the internet I think I'd die. Not only do I need it for my work and almost all the shopping I do (food, books, clothes, DVDs, CDs, presents, toys, travel arrangements...), it's also my lifeline to a better world, a world where I can forget all the crap in my life and enjoy things. There are a number of blogs I read regularly, that allow me to make contact (albeit in a pretty one-sided way given that I mean nothing to their authors) with other people, people who make me laugh, or cry, or whatever. It's kind of like living vicariously (like I'll be doing with BlogHer this summer), but hey, it's all I got right now, so bite me.
5. That's all, folks!
Tired
Lack of sleep is a terrible, terrible thing. I was lucky when the girls were babies that it was often not me that got up in the middle of the night to tend to their needs (I did do it sometimes, of course, but I was working, D wasn't, so he did the lion's share). But now? Holy shit, I'm tired! From the moment I wake up in the morning to the sound of my alarm clock, to the minute I climb gratefully into bed at some ungodly hour, I fantasize about being horizontal, under the duvet, blissfully asleep.
I used to fantasize about having a man to hold me too, but right now, to be honest, I'm too damn tired to be able to cope with that. I just want to sleep. Sleeeeeeeppppp.
So why am I so tired? You know by now of course that it's got nothing to do with a wild social life (ha! ha! ha!). No, it's all to do with a totally, totally crazy ass March. Most months, I translate around 40,000 words and do a few hours of proofreading plus 8 hours of teaching a week. It's enough, more than enough (though maybe not financially - my debt levels are through the roof), and leaves me pretty tired as a rule.
This month? I already have on my books (not done yet, not all of it anyway, but scheduled and due in before the end of the month) OVER 70,000 WORDS. I have to do about 5,000 words tomorrow and Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday just to make sure I make all my deadlines. Plus teach, too.
I'm not really complaining (well, OK, yes I am) because Lord knows I need the money and at least one of these gigs (24,000 words) is mega-well-paid, and paid quickly, and VAT free. But I feel like I'm drowning, that I'm flailing helplessly in a sea of Things To Do, woefully lacking in Time To Them.
And all I really want to do is sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I used to fantasize about having a man to hold me too, but right now, to be honest, I'm too damn tired to be able to cope with that. I just want to sleep. Sleeeeeeeppppp.
So why am I so tired? You know by now of course that it's got nothing to do with a wild social life (ha! ha! ha!). No, it's all to do with a totally, totally crazy ass March. Most months, I translate around 40,000 words and do a few hours of proofreading plus 8 hours of teaching a week. It's enough, more than enough (though maybe not financially - my debt levels are through the roof), and leaves me pretty tired as a rule.
This month? I already have on my books (not done yet, not all of it anyway, but scheduled and due in before the end of the month) OVER 70,000 WORDS. I have to do about 5,000 words tomorrow and Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday just to make sure I make all my deadlines. Plus teach, too.
I'm not really complaining (well, OK, yes I am) because Lord knows I need the money and at least one of these gigs (24,000 words) is mega-well-paid, and paid quickly, and VAT free. But I feel like I'm drowning, that I'm flailing helplessly in a sea of Things To Do, woefully lacking in Time To Them.
And all I really want to do is sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
samedi 19 mars 2011
Epic
Yesterday (you KNOW I'm not doing NaBloPoMo, right?) was EPIC in so many ways.
An epic fail, in that I "wasted" the whole morning having coffees multiple with mothers from the girls' school. I arranged on Tuesday to have coffee with 2 friends, but the café they use is the HQ of the mothers-from-school gang, so obviously there were quite a few people there.
By the end, there were just three of us, one of the ones I'd arranged to meet, and a lovely Austrian lady I officially met at a party last summer. As we were walking away, my friend asked me how D is doing and well. The question that broke the camel's back. The tears started, the sympathy came thick and fast, and I realised that I'm just going to have to suck it up and become an object of pity. These two ladies were wonderful, positive, helpful and unbelievably kind. It felt so good to finally just break down and show that I'm not coping, that I'm not OK. Of course, we were standing on a street corner at the time, which wasn't ideal, but still. It felt good in a "feeling-like-shit" kind of way.
Then, there was work. After "wasting" the whole morning, I had to get down to work, because there's so much of it and I feel like I'm drowning in words. I ended up (by 3 am) translating a marathon 6,200 words, which is almost unimaginable. OK, the text wasn't hopelessly technical, but it's recipes, and they can be notoriously tricky. I haven't read it through, but it's essentially finished. Truly epic.
And then there was the funk I've managed to get myself in about money and my pathetic life. I found myself (when I took a break from all the translating) sobbing to Glee songs, sobbing to blog posts that hit home, sobbing for a blogger friend who's just discovered her unborn baby died last week, sobbing for so much.
An epic day, possibly just the start of an epic weekend.
An epic fail, in that I "wasted" the whole morning having coffees multiple with mothers from the girls' school. I arranged on Tuesday to have coffee with 2 friends, but the café they use is the HQ of the mothers-from-school gang, so obviously there were quite a few people there.
By the end, there were just three of us, one of the ones I'd arranged to meet, and a lovely Austrian lady I officially met at a party last summer. As we were walking away, my friend asked me how D is doing and well. The question that broke the camel's back. The tears started, the sympathy came thick and fast, and I realised that I'm just going to have to suck it up and become an object of pity. These two ladies were wonderful, positive, helpful and unbelievably kind. It felt so good to finally just break down and show that I'm not coping, that I'm not OK. Of course, we were standing on a street corner at the time, which wasn't ideal, but still. It felt good in a "feeling-like-shit" kind of way.
Then, there was work. After "wasting" the whole morning, I had to get down to work, because there's so much of it and I feel like I'm drowning in words. I ended up (by 3 am) translating a marathon 6,200 words, which is almost unimaginable. OK, the text wasn't hopelessly technical, but it's recipes, and they can be notoriously tricky. I haven't read it through, but it's essentially finished. Truly epic.
And then there was the funk I've managed to get myself in about money and my pathetic life. I found myself (when I took a break from all the translating) sobbing to Glee songs, sobbing to blog posts that hit home, sobbing for a blogger friend who's just discovered her unborn baby died last week, sobbing for so much.
An epic day, possibly just the start of an epic weekend.
lundi 14 mars 2011
Sacrifice
C broke my heart this evening... She was upset when I sent her and L to bed (it was already pretty late) because we hadn't done anything together. She told me I spend too much time sitting at the computer, working, and not enough time with her and L, playing.
And my heart cracked and broke, right then.
Because it's true. I never do seem to have time to just BE with my little girls; I'm always watching the clock, rushing to get on to the next thing to do on the list. I know I do it all so that they and I can have a life that is the best I can do, but what is the price I'm paying? Will my little girls have any memories of me other than me working, me shouting and me crying? I feel so guilty, so bad. But I have to work, and I'm just sooooo tired all the time. I do my best, and I know my best often isn't really good enough. It hurts just to write these words.
I "gave up" on work yesterday afternoon to take the girls (as it was pouring with rain) to Altissimo, an indoor "rock climbing" place. But that wasn't enough for C (she told me tonight) because I just watched them climb, I didn't actually DO the activity with them. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself in any physical, sporting activity, so I shun them all (swimming most of all, because I'm a terrible swimmer, totally capable of panicking if I get out of my depth, or water splashed on my face, but also the ice-rink (never been skating, strongly suspect I would suck pretty badly at it) and anywhere that involves running). At home, I let them watch endless episodes of Glee (not always very suitable, it has to be said) while I tap-tap-tap away here on the computer...
I know I need to get my hours straight, get my life back on track, so that I can actually "switch off" my work from 5 till 9 pm and devote myself to these special little girls, so sweet, so funny, so gentle, so beloved.
I'm sacrificing my pleasures (I don't get to read or watch films or do handicrafts any more because I work so late or so much), but also, more importantly, THEIRS. They want to spend time with Maman, making things, doing things, playing games, and I'm almost never "there". No wonder they prefer being with Papa - he doesn't work so he can do all the fun stuff.
I have to try and change before it's too late - they're already so big.
This sacrifice may not be worth it after all.
And my heart cracked and broke, right then.
Because it's true. I never do seem to have time to just BE with my little girls; I'm always watching the clock, rushing to get on to the next thing to do on the list. I know I do it all so that they and I can have a life that is the best I can do, but what is the price I'm paying? Will my little girls have any memories of me other than me working, me shouting and me crying? I feel so guilty, so bad. But I have to work, and I'm just sooooo tired all the time. I do my best, and I know my best often isn't really good enough. It hurts just to write these words.
I "gave up" on work yesterday afternoon to take the girls (as it was pouring with rain) to Altissimo, an indoor "rock climbing" place. But that wasn't enough for C (she told me tonight) because I just watched them climb, I didn't actually DO the activity with them. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself in any physical, sporting activity, so I shun them all (swimming most of all, because I'm a terrible swimmer, totally capable of panicking if I get out of my depth, or water splashed on my face, but also the ice-rink (never been skating, strongly suspect I would suck pretty badly at it) and anywhere that involves running). At home, I let them watch endless episodes of Glee (not always very suitable, it has to be said) while I tap-tap-tap away here on the computer...
I know I need to get my hours straight, get my life back on track, so that I can actually "switch off" my work from 5 till 9 pm and devote myself to these special little girls, so sweet, so funny, so gentle, so beloved.
I'm sacrificing my pleasures (I don't get to read or watch films or do handicrafts any more because I work so late or so much), but also, more importantly, THEIRS. They want to spend time with Maman, making things, doing things, playing games, and I'm almost never "there". No wonder they prefer being with Papa - he doesn't work so he can do all the fun stuff.
I have to try and change before it's too late - they're already so big.
This sacrifice may not be worth it after all.
dimanche 7 mars 2010
Rhetorical question
As in, I don't really want to hear any answers...
So: 2010, just how much more crappy can you possibly get?
The heavy, deeply disturbing stuff continues to crash all around me but I can't write about it here. Can't even bring myself to write the words, they hurt too much.
In addition to the crappiness of January (death and poverty), the multi-crappiness of February included the aforementioned heavy stuff, plus a stinking cold (no big deal, but a pain in the butt nonetheless) swiftly followed by a vicious bout of stomach flu (barfing galore) followed by the worst case of hayfever EVER RECORDED. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for 10 FUCKING DAYS. I've tried every over-the-counter crap you can think of (nose sprays, homeopathy, inhalations of Vick's VapoRub, physiological serum...) and nothing works. I can't sleep (it's worse - if that's possible - when I lie down, plus lakes of drool form on my pillow from having my mouth open all the time (you're welcome)), I can't concentrate on the mountains of work I have to do, eating and drinking are torture (can't breathe at all) and OHGODI'MMISERABLE.
I'm going to see a doctor on Monday (I hope) but this promises to be a long, shitty weekend.
In addition to all that, money is still my n°1 stress producer (DEBTDEBTDEBT eating away at me), D still hasn't got a job and I'm just fed up with 2010 already.
Moan, moan, moan. Do I ever do anything else?!
So: 2010, just how much more crappy can you possibly get?
The heavy, deeply disturbing stuff continues to crash all around me but I can't write about it here. Can't even bring myself to write the words, they hurt too much.
In addition to the crappiness of January (death and poverty), the multi-crappiness of February included the aforementioned heavy stuff, plus a stinking cold (no big deal, but a pain in the butt nonetheless) swiftly followed by a vicious bout of stomach flu (barfing galore) followed by the worst case of hayfever EVER RECORDED. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for 10 FUCKING DAYS. I've tried every over-the-counter crap you can think of (nose sprays, homeopathy, inhalations of Vick's VapoRub, physiological serum...) and nothing works. I can't sleep (it's worse - if that's possible - when I lie down, plus lakes of drool form on my pillow from having my mouth open all the time (you're welcome)), I can't concentrate on the mountains of work I have to do, eating and drinking are torture (can't breathe at all) and OHGODI'MMISERABLE.
I'm going to see a doctor on Monday (I hope) but this promises to be a long, shitty weekend.
In addition to all that, money is still my n°1 stress producer (DEBTDEBTDEBT eating away at me), D still hasn't got a job and I'm just fed up with 2010 already.
Moan, moan, moan. Do I ever do anything else?!
samedi 12 décembre 2009
The new hectic
"Work" has been kind of quiet for the last few days. If this keeps up, I'll start freaking out, but for now, it's kind of a relief to be quite honest. That said, I haven't been idle. I put together the first draft of the end-of-term school newspaper (my partner-in-journalism is doing the finishing touches and we'll do the photocopying and folding on Tuesday, fingers crossed we get the last couple of things we need from other people), and that took me ages. I've helped set up, man and put away the Christmas Market (good fun, but time-consuming). I've corrected lots of student homework, prepared two exams, done invoices, finished up my Christmas cards, tidied my desk, done endless laundry, done a fair amount of my Christmas shopping...
And well, yeah. I'm totally exhausted. And yeah, I'll have 27 exam translations to mark by tomorrow midday, and 8 group glossaries to mark by Monday, and I have a text to proofread and a brochure to update and...GAH.
I'm exhausted, longing for the holidays (even though things can get pretty tense between D and my dad). But really enjoying all this Christmassy stuff.
Can't wait to get to the parcel-wrapping stage, I really can't!
And well, yeah. I'm totally exhausted. And yeah, I'll have 27 exam translations to mark by tomorrow midday, and 8 group glossaries to mark by Monday, and I have a text to proofread and a brochure to update and...GAH.
I'm exhausted, longing for the holidays (even though things can get pretty tense between D and my dad). But really enjoying all this Christmassy stuff.
Can't wait to get to the parcel-wrapping stage, I really can't!
dimanche 29 novembre 2009
Ground-breaking
Am feeling quite positively smug (and no, it has nothing to do with my "novel", about which I promise I won't be writing for ages, if ever again). Despite going to bed horribly late again last "night", I still managed to get up reasonably "early" (bear in mind, people, that all of this is relative) today and go out with D and the girls and a few friends for a late morning-early afternoon walk/picnic. It wasn't really warm enough for the picnic part, plus none of us were really prepared, so that was a little random, but still. Me. Out. On a Sunday morning.
Don't get me wrong, I feel like shit now and am dying to go to bed. Except of course that I have craploads of work to do, as well as all the usual evening stuff (including all C's homework... aaaarrrgghh) and - don't forget - the unmissable Zorro on TV.
But.
I have actually managed to get some work done this afternoon, and will continue till D brings C and L back from their respective playdates.
A productive day, and boy, do I feel smug!
Don't get me wrong, I feel like shit now and am dying to go to bed. Except of course that I have craploads of work to do, as well as all the usual evening stuff (including all C's homework... aaaarrrgghh) and - don't forget - the unmissable Zorro on TV.
But.
I have actually managed to get some work done this afternoon, and will continue till D brings C and L back from their respective playdates.
A productive day, and boy, do I feel smug!
vendredi 27 novembre 2009
Forward planning
I'm just starting to realise (yes, I can be slow on the uptake sometimes) that C's 8th birthday is looming large - one month tomorrow, in fact. We'll be in Scotland for the Big Day, but every year we give her a party. Nothing fancy (no "Acrochats" stuff for us - it costs a fortune and isn't (in my opinion, though it has to be said that kids love it) that great), usually just here at home. Not huge numbers of kids, either (L's birthday this year excepted).
The snag is that the Christmas holidays are also looming, which means the invites have to get done beforehand. As in, really, really soon. Along with the stuff I'm supposed to be making for the Christmas market.
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Also, C's teacher will be celebrating all the December birthdays in class on 15 December, which means baking a cake or something...
I mean, I enjoy all this stuff, it's just that I have so much work stuff on my plate that I don't have time to enjoy it all like I should... I like making cakes, and making invites, and organising parties and what have you. I like handicraft activities, I like doing school stuff (oh, yeah, the school newspaper is looming, too). But really, I'm typed out right now (6,500 words today, which is MAMMOTH). And that pisses me off.
But. I'm going to try and work my arse off in the next few days (big translations all due next Thursday) and then try and ease up a little so I can prepare for Christmas like I want to!
Christmas preparations are such fun!
The snag is that the Christmas holidays are also looming, which means the invites have to get done beforehand. As in, really, really soon. Along with the stuff I'm supposed to be making for the Christmas market.
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Also, C's teacher will be celebrating all the December birthdays in class on 15 December, which means baking a cake or something...
I mean, I enjoy all this stuff, it's just that I have so much work stuff on my plate that I don't have time to enjoy it all like I should... I like making cakes, and making invites, and organising parties and what have you. I like handicraft activities, I like doing school stuff (oh, yeah, the school newspaper is looming, too). But really, I'm typed out right now (6,500 words today, which is MAMMOTH). And that pisses me off.
But. I'm going to try and work my arse off in the next few days (big translations all due next Thursday) and then try and ease up a little so I can prepare for Christmas like I want to!
Christmas preparations are such fun!
lundi 23 novembre 2009
Miscellany
My word, Zorro was exciting stuff this evening! The suspense is fever-pitch, but there won't be another episode till next Saturday... Sergeant Garcia even killed a man, saving the life of Don Alfredo... Don Diego and his family (and all their friends) are in trouble, serious trouble, and the "Aigle" is obviously willing to fight to the death... The girls were on the edge of their seats!
Pretty frustrating day, apart from that. Tried to get all sorts of things done, but didn't actually finish anything. And I still haven't started my Christmas cards. And it's 12.30 am and I have to be up in 6 hours. And I only found time to write 630 words of my "novel" today (but it's OK, I'm well ahead of schedule, I'm over 42,000 words already). But still. Gah.
But - I did see a pretty cool Lego set (the soldiers' fort in the pirate theme) which I think would be great for L for Christmas... I'll have to get D to have a look and then I'll go ahead and order it. Amazingly, it's about 10 € cheaper (plus there's free delivery) to order it from Amazon UK and get it sent to my father's house than to buy it on Amazon FR and get it sent here. I'll maybe try and see how much it is in a toyshop, but I suspect it'll be more...
I love Christmas shopping!
Pretty frustrating day, apart from that. Tried to get all sorts of things done, but didn't actually finish anything. And I still haven't started my Christmas cards. And it's 12.30 am and I have to be up in 6 hours. And I only found time to write 630 words of my "novel" today (but it's OK, I'm well ahead of schedule, I'm over 42,000 words already). But still. Gah.
But - I did see a pretty cool Lego set (the soldiers' fort in the pirate theme) which I think would be great for L for Christmas... I'll have to get D to have a look and then I'll go ahead and order it. Amazingly, it's about 10 € cheaper (plus there's free delivery) to order it from Amazon UK and get it sent to my father's house than to buy it on Amazon FR and get it sent here. I'll maybe try and see how much it is in a toyshop, but I suspect it'll be more...
I love Christmas shopping!
samedi 21 novembre 2009
Crick
I have a crick in my neck and I find it hard to believe it comes from "sleeping funny" because this week I don't have the impression that I've slept enough to "sleep funny". But my horribly rational self admits it's a possibility. As, of course, is the fact that I've typed so many goddamn words this week.
Oh, those words! Blog words (20 days done! Only 10 to go for the NaBloPoMo challenge!), professional words, authory words. A week of words in a month of words that is far from over. Sure, for my "novel", I'm at almost 39,000 words, so there are "only" 11,000 to go, but for work, I have a shitload to do (not to mention correcting the words of my students - I'm woefully behind with that). And this weekend is going to be tough - we have friends coming for lunch tomorrow and have done exactly nothing about it (no housework, no shopping, no meal planning), so that's my morning covered, plus the afternoon I guess.
Lord help me.
We leave on holiday in exactly one month and I CAN'T WAIT!
Oh, those words! Blog words (20 days done! Only 10 to go for the NaBloPoMo challenge!), professional words, authory words. A week of words in a month of words that is far from over. Sure, for my "novel", I'm at almost 39,000 words, so there are "only" 11,000 to go, but for work, I have a shitload to do (not to mention correcting the words of my students - I'm woefully behind with that). And this weekend is going to be tough - we have friends coming for lunch tomorrow and have done exactly nothing about it (no housework, no shopping, no meal planning), so that's my morning covered, plus the afternoon I guess.
Lord help me.
We leave on holiday in exactly one month and I CAN'T WAIT!
vendredi 20 novembre 2009
Logorrhoea (or however you spell it)
This is going to be known as the month of words, I think...
For my "novel", I've almost reached 37,000 words, which is more than 5,200 ahead of schedule. I'm kind of sure where I'm going, but not totally, and I'm really starting to believe I'm going to finish... Only 13,300 to go (minimum - I'm actually aiming for a little longer now).
Except...
People keep sending me other people's words to translate. I'm not complaining, because we really, really need the money, but still, I'm in overload - I have 5,750 for Sunday night, then 17,000 for 3 December, plus another client will be sending me about 10,000 or so on Monday for "as soon as possible". Gaaaaahhhhhh
The month of words, indeed.
For my "novel", I've almost reached 37,000 words, which is more than 5,200 ahead of schedule. I'm kind of sure where I'm going, but not totally, and I'm really starting to believe I'm going to finish... Only 13,300 to go (minimum - I'm actually aiming for a little longer now).
Except...
People keep sending me other people's words to translate. I'm not complaining, because we really, really need the money, but still, I'm in overload - I have 5,750 for Sunday night, then 17,000 for 3 December, plus another client will be sending me about 10,000 or so on Monday for "as soon as possible". Gaaaaahhhhhh
The month of words, indeed.
mardi 17 novembre 2009
One of those days
You know, the ones where you think you'd have been better off staying in bed (especially as I didn't get to bed till 1.45 am and had to be up at 6.30).
On Mondays (till 14 December only) I teach at the Economics University. They have a photocopy department and you have to submit your requests 5 days in advance. As I'm only there on Mondays, I always submit my stuff a whole week in advance. When I got there this morning, the stuff I submitted last week wasn't there. I teach from 8 till 12, on the 4th floor. The photocopy department is on the ground floor of the next building along, is open from "about 8 am" (I hung around till 8.10 but it was still closed) until 12... I was pretty mad!
Then, the students themselves, hadn't (for the most part) prepared what I asked them to, so all the activities planned for this morning, between the photocopied sheets and the spoken tasks based on what they'd prepared, were un-doable. It was a truly crappy 4 hours, I can tell you.
Things improved a little after that, but still, not a great start to the week. And I'm really tired, so I'm struggling to hit 30,000 words on my "novel" tonight - it's already 2.30 am but I'm determined, I need to bash out another 1,200 words and I'll be there...
How do I get myself into these ridiculous situations?!
On Mondays (till 14 December only) I teach at the Economics University. They have a photocopy department and you have to submit your requests 5 days in advance. As I'm only there on Mondays, I always submit my stuff a whole week in advance. When I got there this morning, the stuff I submitted last week wasn't there. I teach from 8 till 12, on the 4th floor. The photocopy department is on the ground floor of the next building along, is open from "about 8 am" (I hung around till 8.10 but it was still closed) until 12... I was pretty mad!
Then, the students themselves, hadn't (for the most part) prepared what I asked them to, so all the activities planned for this morning, between the photocopied sheets and the spoken tasks based on what they'd prepared, were un-doable. It was a truly crappy 4 hours, I can tell you.
Things improved a little after that, but still, not a great start to the week. And I'm really tired, so I'm struggling to hit 30,000 words on my "novel" tonight - it's already 2.30 am but I'm determined, I need to bash out another 1,200 words and I'll be there...
How do I get myself into these ridiculous situations?!
dimanche 1 novembre 2009
It's that time of year again...
Yeah, like I'm not already overwhelmed, I've decided to go ahead and do the NaBloPoMo thing again this year... And I'm not sure I'm going to make it, but I'm sure as hell going to give it a try. Add a little discipline to my life, if you like.
Nothing much to report here, of course. I took the girls to a Hallowe'en party last night (Hallowe'en is virtually non-existent for children here in France, but we have a Franco-American language school just around the corner and they put on a party every year) and was delighted when they both won prizes for their costumes (put together, home-made style, by yours truly): L won third prize for her adorable pumpkin and C also won third prize for her equally adorable cat. I was so pleased!
There were games and dancing and lots of sweets, so of course they both had a great time! I was chilled to the bone by the end of it, but enjoyed it too.
The half-term holidays are coming to a close (the girls go back to school on Wednesday) and it's been quite hard as I've had a shitload of work, but it's been quite good all the same. The fabulous weather certainly helps.
And as for my worries, well, they haven't gone away, but I'm hanging in there and am hoping to climb out of (some) debt by the end of the year. I just have to keep working, working, working...
Oh, and I've bought my Christmas cards and even done quite a bit of Christmas shopping - how's that for organised!
Now, if I could just get this place tidied up by Tuesday lunchtime, when a friend and her kids come to lunch, I might even feel happy...
Nothing much to report here, of course. I took the girls to a Hallowe'en party last night (Hallowe'en is virtually non-existent for children here in France, but we have a Franco-American language school just around the corner and they put on a party every year) and was delighted when they both won prizes for their costumes (put together, home-made style, by yours truly): L won third prize for her adorable pumpkin and C also won third prize for her equally adorable cat. I was so pleased!
There were games and dancing and lots of sweets, so of course they both had a great time! I was chilled to the bone by the end of it, but enjoyed it too.
The half-term holidays are coming to a close (the girls go back to school on Wednesday) and it's been quite hard as I've had a shitload of work, but it's been quite good all the same. The fabulous weather certainly helps.
And as for my worries, well, they haven't gone away, but I'm hanging in there and am hoping to climb out of (some) debt by the end of the year. I just have to keep working, working, working...
Oh, and I've bought my Christmas cards and even done quite a bit of Christmas shopping - how's that for organised!
Now, if I could just get this place tidied up by Tuesday lunchtime, when a friend and her kids come to lunch, I might even feel happy...
samedi 17 octobre 2009
Hanging in
Nothing's really changed (except the weather, which is no longer summer but most definitely autumn), but I'm feeling a little less panicked. Possibly because of what my commenter said in my response to my last post (thank you!), possibly because a couple of clients have paid me and more are probably set to do so in the next few days, possibly because (as a result) one of my bank accounts is actually in the black, possibly because I just spent a shitload of money (that I don't really have) on our upcoming trip to Scotland for Christmas, possibly just because I seem to have come through the weird cold-flu-type thing I had for a few days (was it H1N1? Who knows. But I felt mildly crap and now feel better, so that's the main thing).
Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.
I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!
So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.
But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!
Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.
I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!
So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.
But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!
jeudi 8 octobre 2009
Screwed
My life feels like it's such a mess right now. I'm at my wits' end, I really am.
Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.
Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...
I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.
Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).
D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.
I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.
I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!
Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.
Help.
Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.
Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...
I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.
Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).
D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.
I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.
I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!
Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.
Help.
vendredi 18 septembre 2009
Guilt
Guilt is high on my list of feelings right now - I don't have many readers (slight understatement!), but my most reliable one is upset that I don't write more often. Phooey, I would have said, until she pointed out that I've only produced two posts since my birthday. Two posts in four months. That is, I hate to admit, pretty pathetic, even by my standards.
So here I am, back again.
My dear, kind dad has gone back to Scotland after 3 pretty nice weeks here "with us" (only actually 5 days altogether, with two weeks in his rented flat down at the beach), whilst my MIL from hell is still here, with no return ticket bought and no clear cut ideas of what she's doing from Sunday onwards. God help me. She's angling to come here, but we (D and I) have said "only 2 nights" and "only next weekend", mainly to put it off as long as possible, but also to let me try and get all the goddamn sheets washed from the my dad's visit.
More guilt where my MIL is concerned. Apart from the "no return ticket" crap (which bugs me shitless but is hardly unsurprising as she does this every time), everything's been OK with her, but I've now got to the stage where just seeing her or hearing her voice is enough to get my hackles raised and all my deep-seated aggressiveness bubbling out of me...
Maybe I have "issues".
Of course, my stress levels are through the roof because we owe so much money to so many people, and my clients are all dragging their feet about paying me and I'm overdrawn just about everywhere despite my dad giving me money and oh, it's all very depressing.
Don't really know what to do to get myself out of this ghastly financial hole. The ideal solution would be for D to actually start earning some money, but that seems as likely as his mother turning into a nice person, so I'm pretty much at my wits' end where money is concerned. Work is quiet at the moment, but I'm sure (hoping) that won't last and the reality is that I really can't work that much more than I already do.
Holy hell, I hate having to worry about money all the time!
At least the girls seem happy. Back to school has been good, we've met their new teachers (who seem pretty nice), the girls are both happy to be with their friends, their activities are all starting up (L's doing dancing and circus, C's doing circus and swimming).
I am feeling pretty frustrated with myself. I feel fat and bloated and ugly, I feel like I've failed pretty miserably professionally speaking, I feel out of place amongst the chic and elegant mothers at school. Our flat is still - surprise, surprise - a total mess, and I just get the impression that I can't ever get my life in order. I have so many good plans, good ideas, lists... and then end up doing nothing other than eat crap, stay up till ridiculous hours and play endless games on Game Duell (don't go there, it's hopelessly addictive, even if (like me) you only play the free games).
Every year, in January, I say that I'll get my life sorted once and for all. And then don't. Then I say the same thing every September, and it looks like I'm going to fail yet again.
And I don't even dare look at my somewhat rash "40 things before 40" list to see how many of those I failed.
I need help, I need to see my friends, I need to win the lottery (not much chance of that as I don't play).
I feel lonely and ashamed of my failure and, yes, guilty, for letting everyone down, starting with my parents, then myself, my teachers who had such faith in me, and now even my beautiful daughters who really do deserve someone better than me.
So, there you have it. Yet another moan-fest from the south of France.
I really do hope that one day I'll be able to write something utterly cheerful and frivolous!
So here I am, back again.
My dear, kind dad has gone back to Scotland after 3 pretty nice weeks here "with us" (only actually 5 days altogether, with two weeks in his rented flat down at the beach), whilst my MIL from hell is still here, with no return ticket bought and no clear cut ideas of what she's doing from Sunday onwards. God help me. She's angling to come here, but we (D and I) have said "only 2 nights" and "only next weekend", mainly to put it off as long as possible, but also to let me try and get all the goddamn sheets washed from the my dad's visit.
More guilt where my MIL is concerned. Apart from the "no return ticket" crap (which bugs me shitless but is hardly unsurprising as she does this every time), everything's been OK with her, but I've now got to the stage where just seeing her or hearing her voice is enough to get my hackles raised and all my deep-seated aggressiveness bubbling out of me...
Maybe I have "issues".
Of course, my stress levels are through the roof because we owe so much money to so many people, and my clients are all dragging their feet about paying me and I'm overdrawn just about everywhere despite my dad giving me money and oh, it's all very depressing.
Don't really know what to do to get myself out of this ghastly financial hole. The ideal solution would be for D to actually start earning some money, but that seems as likely as his mother turning into a nice person, so I'm pretty much at my wits' end where money is concerned. Work is quiet at the moment, but I'm sure (hoping) that won't last and the reality is that I really can't work that much more than I already do.
Holy hell, I hate having to worry about money all the time!
At least the girls seem happy. Back to school has been good, we've met their new teachers (who seem pretty nice), the girls are both happy to be with their friends, their activities are all starting up (L's doing dancing and circus, C's doing circus and swimming).
I am feeling pretty frustrated with myself. I feel fat and bloated and ugly, I feel like I've failed pretty miserably professionally speaking, I feel out of place amongst the chic and elegant mothers at school. Our flat is still - surprise, surprise - a total mess, and I just get the impression that I can't ever get my life in order. I have so many good plans, good ideas, lists... and then end up doing nothing other than eat crap, stay up till ridiculous hours and play endless games on Game Duell (don't go there, it's hopelessly addictive, even if (like me) you only play the free games).
Every year, in January, I say that I'll get my life sorted once and for all. And then don't. Then I say the same thing every September, and it looks like I'm going to fail yet again.
And I don't even dare look at my somewhat rash "40 things before 40" list to see how many of those I failed.
I need help, I need to see my friends, I need to win the lottery (not much chance of that as I don't play).
I feel lonely and ashamed of my failure and, yes, guilty, for letting everyone down, starting with my parents, then myself, my teachers who had such faith in me, and now even my beautiful daughters who really do deserve someone better than me.
So, there you have it. Yet another moan-fest from the south of France.
I really do hope that one day I'll be able to write something utterly cheerful and frivolous!
jeudi 3 septembre 2009
Beginnings
Gosh, well. 12 July was actually almost 2 months ago (and certainly feels like an eternity ago). I'm so crap at this blogging lark...
So summer's officially over (even though it was probably 30°C here today and sunny...). The girls went back to school today: C, my sweet little 7-year-old, started in Year 3 (CE 2 here in France), which seems very big and serious, and my baby, my 5-year-old L, started in her last year of kindergarten. They were very excited and delighted to be going back and had a great time, so all's well. New felt-tip pens and crayons and what have you were purchased, hair was brushed (a rare occurrence, especially in the mornings), friends were back together. They both have nice teachers this year, I have a feeling all will be well. And no, C is not in the same class as the dreaded A...
As for our summer, well: the weather's been fantastic (sorry for any Brits out there - I know you've had a rough time!), we've been to the beach (or a local, manmade lake to avoid the sardines on the beach) more times than I can count, our holiday in St Jean de Luz was lovely, even if I didn't get my thalasso day (we couldn't afford it, I made the sacrifice), we went to a funfair, saw friends, had picnics...
Of course, there's still plenty for me to moan about: I actually dislike going to the beach because I feel horribly white (undeniable), fat (frequently commented on) and ugly (my opinion, but rarely contradicted), meaning I never even put my bikini on because I can't stand my muffin top blubber. Plus I swim like a lead brick. So, I do the "helping with swimming costumes-blowing up armband-drying off-packing up" routine, watch over the girls while D swims and sit there feeling resentful of all the lithe, tanned women around me.
As a result, our holiday was a little frustrating as we didn't actually do many of the things I would have liked to have done, instead going to the beach EVERY DAY. No thalasso, no stroll around the old quarter of San Sebastian and pintxos, no trip to a cave and a mountain lake, no museums (except the lovely Biarritz aquarium), no "typical Basque" dinner out, no cafés... just up late, lots of DVDs, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and the beach.
I mean yes, it was a stunning place, and our flat was great, and the weather was glorious, and we did do a few things, but still. I feel like we missed out on quite a lot too.
Since we got back (a month ago), the mess in our flat has grown exponentially because we have actually managed to decorate the girls' room (stripped the wallpaper off - horrendous in 39°C weather - polyfilla-ed some of the holes, rubbed the whole room down, painted the whole thing cream), but we haven't found the time to put all their stuff back in it yet.
Also, my dad arrived here from 18°C Scotland last week, spent 2 days with us and then we took him down to the flat he's rented down at the beach for 2 weeks. The girls spent the night with him the day we painted their room, even if it still stinks of paint even now, 3 days later.
The girls and I took him to the lovely Alphons Mucha exhibition currently on at the Musée Fabre, and we're having lunch with him on Saturday.
The main problem is, as every year (third year in a row), my MIL from hell is arriving on Saturday, meaning they'll be in the same beach town together (though hopefully not really together - she is, at least, coming with a friend) for a week. My dad then comes back to us on 12 Sept (while my MIL is staying for "at least another week" - she never gives us a departure date, which is one of the many things that drive me BATSHIT CRAZY about her), will be spending the day with us at a friend's house in the country on the 13th (MIL can't come - our car only has 5 seats: HA!) and flies home on the 15th. As I said, God only knows when my MIL is leaving - her friend leaves on the 19th, so the last few days could be hellish as she'll be on her own...
What else? Heavens, so much seems to have happened...
Still no money, despite my wonderful dad's help (so humiliating to still have to rely on him to bale me out - I know it's D's "fault" for not having any income, but still. I really do feel as if I'm a monumental failure), not much work on the horizon except unpaid marking for my students from last year, still stressed as hell.
But we're planning on going to Scotland for Christmas, and I've got my eye on another translation conference in Lisbon, except that it's in May this time and I'd only get back late afternoon on Mother's Day, so I'll have to think about this.
I'm sorry - this feels very disjointed and incoherent, but I just wanted to get a post up before anyone who does actually bother to read this just assumes I'm dead or something...
I hope you all (hope springs eternal) had a good summer and that the Rentrée brings you all a happy, healthy and prosperous year (and for me, too!).
So summer's officially over (even though it was probably 30°C here today and sunny...). The girls went back to school today: C, my sweet little 7-year-old, started in Year 3 (CE 2 here in France), which seems very big and serious, and my baby, my 5-year-old L, started in her last year of kindergarten. They were very excited and delighted to be going back and had a great time, so all's well. New felt-tip pens and crayons and what have you were purchased, hair was brushed (a rare occurrence, especially in the mornings), friends were back together. They both have nice teachers this year, I have a feeling all will be well. And no, C is not in the same class as the dreaded A...
As for our summer, well: the weather's been fantastic (sorry for any Brits out there - I know you've had a rough time!), we've been to the beach (or a local, manmade lake to avoid the sardines on the beach) more times than I can count, our holiday in St Jean de Luz was lovely, even if I didn't get my thalasso day (we couldn't afford it, I made the sacrifice), we went to a funfair, saw friends, had picnics...
Of course, there's still plenty for me to moan about: I actually dislike going to the beach because I feel horribly white (undeniable), fat (frequently commented on) and ugly (my opinion, but rarely contradicted), meaning I never even put my bikini on because I can't stand my muffin top blubber. Plus I swim like a lead brick. So, I do the "helping with swimming costumes-blowing up armband-drying off-packing up" routine, watch over the girls while D swims and sit there feeling resentful of all the lithe, tanned women around me.
As a result, our holiday was a little frustrating as we didn't actually do many of the things I would have liked to have done, instead going to the beach EVERY DAY. No thalasso, no stroll around the old quarter of San Sebastian and pintxos, no trip to a cave and a mountain lake, no museums (except the lovely Biarritz aquarium), no "typical Basque" dinner out, no cafés... just up late, lots of DVDs, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and the beach.
I mean yes, it was a stunning place, and our flat was great, and the weather was glorious, and we did do a few things, but still. I feel like we missed out on quite a lot too.
Since we got back (a month ago), the mess in our flat has grown exponentially because we have actually managed to decorate the girls' room (stripped the wallpaper off - horrendous in 39°C weather - polyfilla-ed some of the holes, rubbed the whole room down, painted the whole thing cream), but we haven't found the time to put all their stuff back in it yet.
Also, my dad arrived here from 18°C Scotland last week, spent 2 days with us and then we took him down to the flat he's rented down at the beach for 2 weeks. The girls spent the night with him the day we painted their room, even if it still stinks of paint even now, 3 days later.
The girls and I took him to the lovely Alphons Mucha exhibition currently on at the Musée Fabre, and we're having lunch with him on Saturday.
The main problem is, as every year (third year in a row), my MIL from hell is arriving on Saturday, meaning they'll be in the same beach town together (though hopefully not really together - she is, at least, coming with a friend) for a week. My dad then comes back to us on 12 Sept (while my MIL is staying for "at least another week" - she never gives us a departure date, which is one of the many things that drive me BATSHIT CRAZY about her), will be spending the day with us at a friend's house in the country on the 13th (MIL can't come - our car only has 5 seats: HA!) and flies home on the 15th. As I said, God only knows when my MIL is leaving - her friend leaves on the 19th, so the last few days could be hellish as she'll be on her own...
What else? Heavens, so much seems to have happened...
Still no money, despite my wonderful dad's help (so humiliating to still have to rely on him to bale me out - I know it's D's "fault" for not having any income, but still. I really do feel as if I'm a monumental failure), not much work on the horizon except unpaid marking for my students from last year, still stressed as hell.
But we're planning on going to Scotland for Christmas, and I've got my eye on another translation conference in Lisbon, except that it's in May this time and I'd only get back late afternoon on Mother's Day, so I'll have to think about this.
I'm sorry - this feels very disjointed and incoherent, but I just wanted to get a post up before anyone who does actually bother to read this just assumes I'm dead or something...
I hope you all (hope springs eternal) had a good summer and that the Rentrée brings you all a happy, healthy and prosperous year (and for me, too!).
lundi 13 juillet 2009
Back from the...err...busy!
Hey guys! I'm back!
Did you miss me?!
No, seriously, these last few weeks have been crazy. Totally crazy. As in, shitloads of work (that's nothing new, I know, but really, I have been working my arse off these last few weeks...), lots of school stuff (preparing the end-of-year school fête (yes, I know, I get myself roped into far too much, but I enjoyed it and the fête was fun, and the kids had fun, and their "shows" were fantastic and oh, it was a good day!), preparing, printing, folding and distributing the school newspaper, going with C's class on their end-of-year trip to Beaucaire (a great day out, but really, really hot, and utterly exhausting - 3 classes of roughly 25 kids each, 3 teachers, 6 parents...), end-of-year parties and get-togethers in a whole range of utterly fabulous houses (so, you guessed, not at our place)...), lots of domestic stuff - our car died in March, we finally took the plunge and bought a new one in June, but we can't really afford it and D and I almost came to blows about his desire to also rent a closed garage. We have ended up doing it, but money is now so tight we can hardly breathe... - and, of course, the girls have been on holiday since last week.
Ouf.
So life has been busy, and I've been busy, and everything still kind of feels the same. I'm totally overwhelmed (soooo much to do tomorrow: shopping for our holidays (we leave on Thursday for 2 weeks in a rental place we can't really afford), shopping for D's birthday (45 on Wednesday, but I can't do anything on Tuesday because it's the National Holiday here and everything will be shut), work, laundry, sorting, invoicing, printing, phoning, wrapping.... gaaaahhhhh), and more broke than ever.
People help me: how is it possible for me to work more hours than is reasonable, to earn a pretty reasonable amount of money, to live a pretty modest life and yet, and yet... STILL be virtually destitute? Almost no savings (nothing worth mentioning, anyway), no extravagances, no expensive anythings (clothes bought cheap on sale, own-brand foods, no eating out, no "outings", no gadgets...), and overdrafts in all our accounts...
D hasn't helped. He had a big translation to do, and he did it, but of course he delivered it late, and the guy he did it for said there were "problems" with his translation (possibly true in some instances, but not in all) and he was pissed off it was so late, so that means it's yet another client D won't be working for again. Which basically leaves him with 2 clients, both of whom are highly infrequent in their requests. I'm at my wits' end. I so desperately want to help, to encourage him, but I've done all I can, I really have. Now, all I want is for him to start bringing in some cash, preferably quite a decent amount, and REGULARLY.
I'm so tired of being essentially the only breadwinner in this family. I feel like everything depends on me - our home, our food, our clothes, our bills, our holidays, everything. And the pressure is killing me. I'm exhausted, stressed beyond belief, depressed and obsessed about money. I check my accounts online obsessively, I calculate who owes me what and when their invoice is due to be paid, I dread bills arriving. Money is my master, and it's pitifully in control.
I'm dying to go on holiday, have 3 and a half weeks of NO WORK, knowing that at least 2 clients are going to be sending me work in August. But I'll spend our whole two weeks away stressing about how much we're spending, not relaxing. And my week's holiday at home stressed about not getting anything done (no progress on the home improvement front), screeching at the girls and freaking out about money.
That said, I'm really, really hoping to do my thalassotherapy day at Hélianthal in St Jean de Luz... if you don't know it, go check it out - it's my idea of heaven!
Other than that, my little girls have made me so proud! C came joint top of her class with a score (in a national test) of 90%, her teacher really liked her, she had a fun year, I've been promised that she won't be in the same class as the Monster, A, and she's excited about next year already. As for L, she got a glowing report too, has made lots of friends, will be going into her last year of kindergarten and can already almost read (here in France, children aren't expected to learn to read until their first year of primary, so the fact that she's already almost there means she's essentially 18 months ahead of schedule) and C is teaching her joined up writing... She's in great shape, had a fun year and is also excited about next year.
They are such bright little things, and they're getting so big. I'm a terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient Maman to them, but I love them so much, I'm so proud of them, and I tell them so all the time. I just hope they can get past the terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient part and remember the fun times.
I'm sorry, this is really disjointed, with the longest sentences in history (and more brackets than is healthy), but I've been away a while, and there's a lot to say...
I hope you're all having a great summer!
I'll be away (as I've said) from the end of this week till the very beginning of August, but I won't be away from here for 2 months again, promise!
Did you miss me?!
No, seriously, these last few weeks have been crazy. Totally crazy. As in, shitloads of work (that's nothing new, I know, but really, I have been working my arse off these last few weeks...), lots of school stuff (preparing the end-of-year school fête (yes, I know, I get myself roped into far too much, but I enjoyed it and the fête was fun, and the kids had fun, and their "shows" were fantastic and oh, it was a good day!), preparing, printing, folding and distributing the school newspaper, going with C's class on their end-of-year trip to Beaucaire (a great day out, but really, really hot, and utterly exhausting - 3 classes of roughly 25 kids each, 3 teachers, 6 parents...), end-of-year parties and get-togethers in a whole range of utterly fabulous houses (so, you guessed, not at our place)...), lots of domestic stuff - our car died in March, we finally took the plunge and bought a new one in June, but we can't really afford it and D and I almost came to blows about his desire to also rent a closed garage. We have ended up doing it, but money is now so tight we can hardly breathe... - and, of course, the girls have been on holiday since last week.
Ouf.
So life has been busy, and I've been busy, and everything still kind of feels the same. I'm totally overwhelmed (soooo much to do tomorrow: shopping for our holidays (we leave on Thursday for 2 weeks in a rental place we can't really afford), shopping for D's birthday (45 on Wednesday, but I can't do anything on Tuesday because it's the National Holiday here and everything will be shut), work, laundry, sorting, invoicing, printing, phoning, wrapping.... gaaaahhhhh), and more broke than ever.
People help me: how is it possible for me to work more hours than is reasonable, to earn a pretty reasonable amount of money, to live a pretty modest life and yet, and yet... STILL be virtually destitute? Almost no savings (nothing worth mentioning, anyway), no extravagances, no expensive anythings (clothes bought cheap on sale, own-brand foods, no eating out, no "outings", no gadgets...), and overdrafts in all our accounts...
D hasn't helped. He had a big translation to do, and he did it, but of course he delivered it late, and the guy he did it for said there were "problems" with his translation (possibly true in some instances, but not in all) and he was pissed off it was so late, so that means it's yet another client D won't be working for again. Which basically leaves him with 2 clients, both of whom are highly infrequent in their requests. I'm at my wits' end. I so desperately want to help, to encourage him, but I've done all I can, I really have. Now, all I want is for him to start bringing in some cash, preferably quite a decent amount, and REGULARLY.
I'm so tired of being essentially the only breadwinner in this family. I feel like everything depends on me - our home, our food, our clothes, our bills, our holidays, everything. And the pressure is killing me. I'm exhausted, stressed beyond belief, depressed and obsessed about money. I check my accounts online obsessively, I calculate who owes me what and when their invoice is due to be paid, I dread bills arriving. Money is my master, and it's pitifully in control.
I'm dying to go on holiday, have 3 and a half weeks of NO WORK, knowing that at least 2 clients are going to be sending me work in August. But I'll spend our whole two weeks away stressing about how much we're spending, not relaxing. And my week's holiday at home stressed about not getting anything done (no progress on the home improvement front), screeching at the girls and freaking out about money.
That said, I'm really, really hoping to do my thalassotherapy day at Hélianthal in St Jean de Luz... if you don't know it, go check it out - it's my idea of heaven!
Other than that, my little girls have made me so proud! C came joint top of her class with a score (in a national test) of 90%, her teacher really liked her, she had a fun year, I've been promised that she won't be in the same class as the Monster, A, and she's excited about next year already. As for L, she got a glowing report too, has made lots of friends, will be going into her last year of kindergarten and can already almost read (here in France, children aren't expected to learn to read until their first year of primary, so the fact that she's already almost there means she's essentially 18 months ahead of schedule) and C is teaching her joined up writing... She's in great shape, had a fun year and is also excited about next year.
They are such bright little things, and they're getting so big. I'm a terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient Maman to them, but I love them so much, I'm so proud of them, and I tell them so all the time. I just hope they can get past the terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient part and remember the fun times.
I'm sorry, this is really disjointed, with the longest sentences in history (and more brackets than is healthy), but I've been away a while, and there's a lot to say...
I hope you're all having a great summer!
I'll be away (as I've said) from the end of this week till the very beginning of August, but I won't be away from here for 2 months again, promise!
mardi 28 avril 2009
My baby
Yeah, so I've been really crap about posting and keeping up to date regarding my challenge.
BUT.
My baby girl. My little baby girl, my little rabbit, my littlest Smurflet... She turned 5 today and is now suddenly all grown up.
I'm absolutely not getting broody for another baby, I swear.
But still. My baby. Is 5. I've even been bumped up to the "Big Kid newsletter" from Baby Center.
I think we celebrated L's 5th birthday pretty well. Yeah, OK, Sunday was the only day it has rained (poured even!) in the last 2 weeks, so our plans to have fun at a nice park we know went (quite literally) down the (flood) drains.
Which meant a MAJOR tidy up at our place (haven't seen the place look this good since before we moved in 3 years ago!).
But in other ways it was quite practical having to do the party at home - no transportation problems (still don't have a car and the person who offered to help out had to pull out the day before because her little girl was too ill to come to the party), easier to coordinate, etc.
There were 16 kids in total (11 girls, 5 boys), and, compared to C's wild 7th birthday party in January (with only 9 girls), this one was a breeze. The kids were well behaved, seemed to have a lot of fun yet remained reasonably calm and collected, they nearly all ate their cake, those that asked for strawberries ate them very nicely, there was very little crying, no major accidents... IT WAS A GOOD PARTY!
And L got given such beautiful presents! She's such a lucky little girl, she really is!
Then, today (her actual birthday), she got a small present from us this morning, then, for the first time ever, we picked her and C up from school at 11.45 along with 2 friends (one for each, but sisters) who couldn't come yesterday and had a little lunch party, with L's favourite food (roast chicken, sauté potatoes, green beans, then strawberries). Back at school in the afternoon, there was cake and juice and candles and singing, and then, finally, after school, we came home, opened her presents from us (she LOVES her Tinkerbell computer!), C, Papy, my dear friend M and my cousins, had a nice dinner and yet another cake with candles.
And as the weather was fabulous (of course), she even got to wear her beloved pretty dress.
I'm waaaay behind with my work (not only have I had multiple birthday preparations to take care of, but I'm also up to my eyeballs in the school newspaper and have just got myself involved in the organisation team for the school end of year fête) and haven't done much about my Challenge (but, alternatively, haven't had much time to break it either, as a result, unless you count a much-needed Egg McMuffin on Saturday morning).
However, I haven't abandoned it altogether, especially as today is exactly 3 weeks till my birthday.
So.
Day 16: I'm going to get some nice pictures (we have quite a few) up on the walls at last.
Day 17: I also want to try and get the girls' room decorated once and for all - though almost certainly not before my birthday, this will probably have to be during the summer.
Day 18: I want to try and read some less trashy books, less gory books.
Day 19: I want to get all the remaining kit furniture put together and put to use...
Day 20: ...Following on from Day 19, I want to sort out the CD collection for the "new" CD shelf so we can actually find stuff at last.
Now, it's 12.36 am, my head is aching, I feel strangely sick (possibly overdosed in sweetness from the 5 cakes I've made since Saturday night, even though I've actually eaten very little of it) and I'm aching to go to bed for a week. But there's not much chance of that: have a text to finish tonight, have to prepare the girls' stuff for tomorrow, have to take them to school tomorrow and then spend most of the day printing, folding, assembling and delivering the school newspaper an then most of the evening working like a slave.
Oh, and my tax forms still aren't done and sent out because the extranet link doesn't work.
Could I be any more tired? Really, could I?
BUT.
My baby girl. My little baby girl, my little rabbit, my littlest Smurflet... She turned 5 today and is now suddenly all grown up.
I'm absolutely not getting broody for another baby, I swear.
But still. My baby. Is 5. I've even been bumped up to the "Big Kid newsletter" from Baby Center.
I think we celebrated L's 5th birthday pretty well. Yeah, OK, Sunday was the only day it has rained (poured even!) in the last 2 weeks, so our plans to have fun at a nice park we know went (quite literally) down the (flood) drains.
Which meant a MAJOR tidy up at our place (haven't seen the place look this good since before we moved in 3 years ago!).
But in other ways it was quite practical having to do the party at home - no transportation problems (still don't have a car and the person who offered to help out had to pull out the day before because her little girl was too ill to come to the party), easier to coordinate, etc.
There were 16 kids in total (11 girls, 5 boys), and, compared to C's wild 7th birthday party in January (with only 9 girls), this one was a breeze. The kids were well behaved, seemed to have a lot of fun yet remained reasonably calm and collected, they nearly all ate their cake, those that asked for strawberries ate them very nicely, there was very little crying, no major accidents... IT WAS A GOOD PARTY!
And L got given such beautiful presents! She's such a lucky little girl, she really is!
Then, today (her actual birthday), she got a small present from us this morning, then, for the first time ever, we picked her and C up from school at 11.45 along with 2 friends (one for each, but sisters) who couldn't come yesterday and had a little lunch party, with L's favourite food (roast chicken, sauté potatoes, green beans, then strawberries). Back at school in the afternoon, there was cake and juice and candles and singing, and then, finally, after school, we came home, opened her presents from us (she LOVES her Tinkerbell computer!), C, Papy, my dear friend M and my cousins, had a nice dinner and yet another cake with candles.
And as the weather was fabulous (of course), she even got to wear her beloved pretty dress.
I'm waaaay behind with my work (not only have I had multiple birthday preparations to take care of, but I'm also up to my eyeballs in the school newspaper and have just got myself involved in the organisation team for the school end of year fête) and haven't done much about my Challenge (but, alternatively, haven't had much time to break it either, as a result, unless you count a much-needed Egg McMuffin on Saturday morning).
However, I haven't abandoned it altogether, especially as today is exactly 3 weeks till my birthday.
So.
Day 16: I'm going to get some nice pictures (we have quite a few) up on the walls at last.
Day 17: I also want to try and get the girls' room decorated once and for all - though almost certainly not before my birthday, this will probably have to be during the summer.
Day 18: I want to try and read some less trashy books, less gory books.
Day 19: I want to get all the remaining kit furniture put together and put to use...
Day 20: ...Following on from Day 19, I want to sort out the CD collection for the "new" CD shelf so we can actually find stuff at last.
Now, it's 12.36 am, my head is aching, I feel strangely sick (possibly overdosed in sweetness from the 5 cakes I've made since Saturday night, even though I've actually eaten very little of it) and I'm aching to go to bed for a week. But there's not much chance of that: have a text to finish tonight, have to prepare the girls' stuff for tomorrow, have to take them to school tomorrow and then spend most of the day printing, folding, assembling and delivering the school newspaper an then most of the evening working like a slave.
Oh, and my tax forms still aren't done and sent out because the extranet link doesn't work.
Could I be any more tired? Really, could I?
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