Everything is, once again, a bit last minute. I didn't even go and see our neighbour about looking after Tom till 8 pm (no idea what I would have done if she couldn't have done it...). But I'm just about ready.
The bags are packed, the tickets bought and verified and put in my hand bag; the laundry has been done, so have the dishes. I've cleaned out the fridge of all the stuff that needed to be thrown out/given away. I've cleared my e-mail in-box down from about 900 mails to less than 150; I've noted down addresses for future postcards.
We're almost ready! I just need to make our picnic, check bus times to the station for tomorrow morning, nip round to the post office with invoices needing to be sent out, have my shower and sleep.
If all goes to plan, this time tomorrow, the girls and I should be fast asleep in our beds in the Novotel in Genoa. I am beyond excited, I really am.
I also booked a 2-week holiday for my dad in an apartment in Palavas for the last week of August/first week of September. The girls will most likely spend the first week with him, but then they go back to school so he'll be alone for the second one (though after a week often on his own with the girls, he'll almost certainly need it!).
I'm kind of looking forward to it, though I feel sick at the thought of having to ask him to give me all the money I need to pay D his "share" of my flat. It's a huge amount of money and, even though it will mean that the flat is finally in my name only, it's still basically a huge gift to D. Especially as the solicitors' fees are almost half again.
The thing is, D is making noises about this again - talking of arranging meetings with solicitors and so on, so I know I can't put it off much longer. I did vaguely broach the subject the last time my dad was here, and he seemed OK with it. But it's not so much that I'm scared he'll say no, it's more that I'm so embarrassed at being such a huge failure in life that I can't even pay my ex his share of this flat (bearing in mind it amounts to only about 10% of the value of the whole place).
But I'm going to try and stop thinking about that for now. I want to focus on what I hope will be a good week ahead - I love Italy, some of my favourite holidays have been in there and I'm sure this one will be just as good.
Andiamo!
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est money. Afficher tous les articles
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est money. Afficher tous les articles
lundi 8 août 2011
mercredi 3 août 2011
High and low
It's amazing how the first word from my friend J, the first hello at the Comédie this morning when we met up, sent all my money worries scattering from my head like shards of a glass the falls on ceramic tiles.
We didn't do much of anything today, but I nevertheless managed to forget my worries, forget my stress and just soak up the pleasure of being with J and M, two amazing, wonderful and delightfully normal people, with whom I most definitely feel more comfortable than I do with anyone I know here.
We met at about 11.30, bought a picnic, bought a postcard at the Musée Fabre (Frédéric Bazille's portrait of a girl at Méric, overlooking Castelnau village), walked a little and took the tram to the Domaine de Méric. We picknicked and chatted, the children played and excavated and made cement and collected sticks.
[D came at about 2 pm and chatted with them for a while - as we'd arranged - but of course I was hideously uncomfortable, as I always am in his presence. But he left after about an hour, so that was cool.]
We took the tram to Odysseum, the children had icecreams, we went to Decathlon and bought goodies, the kids had hot dogs in IKEA, and then we parted company, till tomorrow, when we go back to their place for our last day together.
The girls and I got home, and I found two cards from M (my other friend, in London) in my letter box, and that cheered me even further.
It was a good day, really. And, best of all, we're going back to J and M's holiday rental tomorrow for our last day before they leave.
Of course, real life sneaked its way back in, as it is wont to do: money worries plague me virtually all the time (except when I'm with J and M), D phoned tonight and is once again making noises about me refunding him his 25,000 € and I have so much to do that I'm not coping well at all.
But the four kids get on well - really well, even - and the weather is good, and the girls and I are off to Italy soon and it's summer and yeah. Life is definitely good in bits!
We didn't do much of anything today, but I nevertheless managed to forget my worries, forget my stress and just soak up the pleasure of being with J and M, two amazing, wonderful and delightfully normal people, with whom I most definitely feel more comfortable than I do with anyone I know here.
We met at about 11.30, bought a picnic, bought a postcard at the Musée Fabre (Frédéric Bazille's portrait of a girl at Méric, overlooking Castelnau village), walked a little and took the tram to the Domaine de Méric. We picknicked and chatted, the children played and excavated and made cement and collected sticks.
[D came at about 2 pm and chatted with them for a while - as we'd arranged - but of course I was hideously uncomfortable, as I always am in his presence. But he left after about an hour, so that was cool.]
We took the tram to Odysseum, the children had icecreams, we went to Decathlon and bought goodies, the kids had hot dogs in IKEA, and then we parted company, till tomorrow, when we go back to their place for our last day together.
The girls and I got home, and I found two cards from M (my other friend, in London) in my letter box, and that cheered me even further.
It was a good day, really. And, best of all, we're going back to J and M's holiday rental tomorrow for our last day before they leave.
Of course, real life sneaked its way back in, as it is wont to do: money worries plague me virtually all the time (except when I'm with J and M), D phoned tonight and is once again making noises about me refunding him his 25,000 € and I have so much to do that I'm not coping well at all.
But the four kids get on well - really well, even - and the weather is good, and the girls and I are off to Italy soon and it's summer and yeah. Life is definitely good in bits!
jeudi 21 juillet 2011
Money
I don't know where I go wrong. I'm not an extravagant person, I don't have expensive habits (hairdresser once every 6 months maximum, and 18 months most recently, no beauty salons, no nail salons, no expensive clothes or shoes, no nights out, no restaurants... you get my drift) and I'm not - contrary to what D once accused me of - a gambler.
But...
Here I am, once again, so overdrawn and broke and freaked out that I don't know what to do. I work hard, I pay my bills, I do my best to find bargains, to not overspend. But it doesn't work. And I don't have a clue what to do about it.
Right now, checks are bouncing, direct debits are being refused and I'm up shit's creek. People owe me money, for sure (54 hours' teaching from September to December 2010 supposedly paid in March will only be paid at the end of this month (if I'm lucky), the remaining 76 hours, for teaching from January to April, supposedly paid at the end of this month will now only be paid in September/October, the whole adding up to about €4,500, plus a few clients here and there, but nothing major), but it always feels so hand-to-mouth. I have no savings, no "equity" (apart from my flat, but I don't even own that outright at the moment - still another 6.5 years to go), just loans, debts and obligations.
I find the whole thing unbelievably depressing. I can't afford to go anywhere, do anything. Checking my bank account on line every morning is an ordeal and an exercise in damage control, transferring sums from my private account to my professional account (or the opposite) just to avoid more bank charges.
There isn't much more I can cut from my life - I can't take the girls out of their school and where else does the money go? Taxes, social contributions, loan repayments, bills, food shopping...
I try to be positive, to believe in myself and my ability to pull myself out of this hole, but I'm 42, I'm still not solvent, I'm alone, I work a lot and earn nothing, I have no savings so my "retirement" will be a nightmare, I have no social life and couldn't afford one even if it were possible.
Where did I go so badly wrong? And what the fuck can I do about it?
But...
Here I am, once again, so overdrawn and broke and freaked out that I don't know what to do. I work hard, I pay my bills, I do my best to find bargains, to not overspend. But it doesn't work. And I don't have a clue what to do about it.
Right now, checks are bouncing, direct debits are being refused and I'm up shit's creek. People owe me money, for sure (54 hours' teaching from September to December 2010 supposedly paid in March will only be paid at the end of this month (if I'm lucky), the remaining 76 hours, for teaching from January to April, supposedly paid at the end of this month will now only be paid in September/October, the whole adding up to about €4,500, plus a few clients here and there, but nothing major), but it always feels so hand-to-mouth. I have no savings, no "equity" (apart from my flat, but I don't even own that outright at the moment - still another 6.5 years to go), just loans, debts and obligations.
I find the whole thing unbelievably depressing. I can't afford to go anywhere, do anything. Checking my bank account on line every morning is an ordeal and an exercise in damage control, transferring sums from my private account to my professional account (or the opposite) just to avoid more bank charges.
There isn't much more I can cut from my life - I can't take the girls out of their school and where else does the money go? Taxes, social contributions, loan repayments, bills, food shopping...
I try to be positive, to believe in myself and my ability to pull myself out of this hole, but I'm 42, I'm still not solvent, I'm alone, I work a lot and earn nothing, I have no savings so my "retirement" will be a nightmare, I have no social life and couldn't afford one even if it were possible.
Where did I go so badly wrong? And what the fuck can I do about it?
mercredi 23 mars 2011
List
This is likely going to make for pretty dull reading (no change there, then) but Swistle did a fantastic post listing all her problems of the moment and I thought maybe I could get some sense in my life if I did the same... More likely, though, is that it's going to be a long list of moans and complaints. Tough shit.
OK, on to the Things That Are Making Life Difficult Right Now
1. Work. Oh God, there's so much! I'm not really complaining as I need it and I need the money it'll (eventually) produce but Lordy, there are only 24 hours in a day and what I've got lined up for the next 5 days is pretty close to inhuman...
2. Money. Always, ever. I don't know how it always seems to be that I'm broke. Right now, I've attained critical mass, so to speak. My direct debits are all being refused, one of my credit cards won't work, the other most likely won't either, clients are taking forever to pay me, I'm too submerged in work to get my invoices done (16 still to do, though admittedly at least half are for the end of this month and a few others needed extra information from the client that took it's time coming. But still), I haven't done food shopping in 3 weeks so there is almost literally NOTHING to eat - even the freezer is almost empty. I'm not sure how to deal with this.
3. Household crap. So much mess everywhere, haven't done housework in as long as I can remember, laundry (clean) piled in a HUGE heap in my bedroom, never folded or put away... My desk is covered in tottering towers of crap, there are more piles of STUFF all around me, the girls never put anything away, the floor's covered in dust bunnies, the kitchen's a mess, the bathroom's a mess... GAH
4. D. This is the biggie in that there's not much I can do about it. Sometimes we get on fine enough, though my anger at this whole miserable situation is never far from the surface to be honest. Now he's requesting (reasonably, I know) his share of my flat back. 24,000 fucking Euros. Plus (according to the solicitor I saw) 11,000 fucking Euros to get the deeds redone in my name only. I'm not sure even my dad can fork out 38,000 motherfucking Euros in one fell swoop, just like that. Especially as all that money will do precisely NOTHING to help my own financial woes. I know D is wholly entitled to his money, but the fact that he's not taken any of the advice I've ever given him about finding work etc., hence perpetuating his own dire financial situation, makes me mad. It all makes me mad, actually.
5. Life. That sounds ridiculously trite, right? But really, my "life" sucks so badly right now I'm in a total funk just about the whole time. I'm lonely as hell, miserable as hell, resentful as hell. And that makes me irritable with my sweet girls, it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me wish everything were different. The thought of spending the rest of my "life" like this depresses me beyond belief.
6. That's actually it. Can you believe it? Only 5 things on my list! This must be your lucky day!
OK, now, let's try to be positive...(I may not reach even 5 on this list...)
1. My dear friend J and her husband and 2 kids will be holidaying near here this summer and WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER. That may not sound like much, but holy crap, I miss this chick... Spending 2 or 3 days together once a year is just CRAP. This will be lovely, and I'm really looking forward to it.
2. My little girls. They bug the shit out of me more than I care to admit, they drive me batshit a fair amount of the time but oh, how I love them! They're bright and beautiful and funny and loving and fun and so perfect... My big aim in life now is to make sure they have a better life than I've had.
3. Tom. Stroking his silky fur is unbelievably soothing. I love when he curls up next to me, I love his there-ness, his reliability. He keeps me sane.
4. The internet. Seriously, without the internet I think I'd die. Not only do I need it for my work and almost all the shopping I do (food, books, clothes, DVDs, CDs, presents, toys, travel arrangements...), it's also my lifeline to a better world, a world where I can forget all the crap in my life and enjoy things. There are a number of blogs I read regularly, that allow me to make contact (albeit in a pretty one-sided way given that I mean nothing to their authors) with other people, people who make me laugh, or cry, or whatever. It's kind of like living vicariously (like I'll be doing with BlogHer this summer), but hey, it's all I got right now, so bite me.
5. That's all, folks!
OK, on to the Things That Are Making Life Difficult Right Now
1. Work. Oh God, there's so much! I'm not really complaining as I need it and I need the money it'll (eventually) produce but Lordy, there are only 24 hours in a day and what I've got lined up for the next 5 days is pretty close to inhuman...
2. Money. Always, ever. I don't know how it always seems to be that I'm broke. Right now, I've attained critical mass, so to speak. My direct debits are all being refused, one of my credit cards won't work, the other most likely won't either, clients are taking forever to pay me, I'm too submerged in work to get my invoices done (16 still to do, though admittedly at least half are for the end of this month and a few others needed extra information from the client that took it's time coming. But still), I haven't done food shopping in 3 weeks so there is almost literally NOTHING to eat - even the freezer is almost empty. I'm not sure how to deal with this.
3. Household crap. So much mess everywhere, haven't done housework in as long as I can remember, laundry (clean) piled in a HUGE heap in my bedroom, never folded or put away... My desk is covered in tottering towers of crap, there are more piles of STUFF all around me, the girls never put anything away, the floor's covered in dust bunnies, the kitchen's a mess, the bathroom's a mess... GAH
4. D. This is the biggie in that there's not much I can do about it. Sometimes we get on fine enough, though my anger at this whole miserable situation is never far from the surface to be honest. Now he's requesting (reasonably, I know) his share of my flat back. 24,000 fucking Euros. Plus (according to the solicitor I saw) 11,000 fucking Euros to get the deeds redone in my name only. I'm not sure even my dad can fork out 38,000 motherfucking Euros in one fell swoop, just like that. Especially as all that money will do precisely NOTHING to help my own financial woes. I know D is wholly entitled to his money, but the fact that he's not taken any of the advice I've ever given him about finding work etc., hence perpetuating his own dire financial situation, makes me mad. It all makes me mad, actually.
5. Life. That sounds ridiculously trite, right? But really, my "life" sucks so badly right now I'm in a total funk just about the whole time. I'm lonely as hell, miserable as hell, resentful as hell. And that makes me irritable with my sweet girls, it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me wish everything were different. The thought of spending the rest of my "life" like this depresses me beyond belief.
6. That's actually it. Can you believe it? Only 5 things on my list! This must be your lucky day!
OK, now, let's try to be positive...(I may not reach even 5 on this list...)
1. My dear friend J and her husband and 2 kids will be holidaying near here this summer and WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER. That may not sound like much, but holy crap, I miss this chick... Spending 2 or 3 days together once a year is just CRAP. This will be lovely, and I'm really looking forward to it.
2. My little girls. They bug the shit out of me more than I care to admit, they drive me batshit a fair amount of the time but oh, how I love them! They're bright and beautiful and funny and loving and fun and so perfect... My big aim in life now is to make sure they have a better life than I've had.
3. Tom. Stroking his silky fur is unbelievably soothing. I love when he curls up next to me, I love his there-ness, his reliability. He keeps me sane.
4. The internet. Seriously, without the internet I think I'd die. Not only do I need it for my work and almost all the shopping I do (food, books, clothes, DVDs, CDs, presents, toys, travel arrangements...), it's also my lifeline to a better world, a world where I can forget all the crap in my life and enjoy things. There are a number of blogs I read regularly, that allow me to make contact (albeit in a pretty one-sided way given that I mean nothing to their authors) with other people, people who make me laugh, or cry, or whatever. It's kind of like living vicariously (like I'll be doing with BlogHer this summer), but hey, it's all I got right now, so bite me.
5. That's all, folks!
Tired
Lack of sleep is a terrible, terrible thing. I was lucky when the girls were babies that it was often not me that got up in the middle of the night to tend to their needs (I did do it sometimes, of course, but I was working, D wasn't, so he did the lion's share). But now? Holy shit, I'm tired! From the moment I wake up in the morning to the sound of my alarm clock, to the minute I climb gratefully into bed at some ungodly hour, I fantasize about being horizontal, under the duvet, blissfully asleep.
I used to fantasize about having a man to hold me too, but right now, to be honest, I'm too damn tired to be able to cope with that. I just want to sleep. Sleeeeeeeppppp.
So why am I so tired? You know by now of course that it's got nothing to do with a wild social life (ha! ha! ha!). No, it's all to do with a totally, totally crazy ass March. Most months, I translate around 40,000 words and do a few hours of proofreading plus 8 hours of teaching a week. It's enough, more than enough (though maybe not financially - my debt levels are through the roof), and leaves me pretty tired as a rule.
This month? I already have on my books (not done yet, not all of it anyway, but scheduled and due in before the end of the month) OVER 70,000 WORDS. I have to do about 5,000 words tomorrow and Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday just to make sure I make all my deadlines. Plus teach, too.
I'm not really complaining (well, OK, yes I am) because Lord knows I need the money and at least one of these gigs (24,000 words) is mega-well-paid, and paid quickly, and VAT free. But I feel like I'm drowning, that I'm flailing helplessly in a sea of Things To Do, woefully lacking in Time To Them.
And all I really want to do is sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I used to fantasize about having a man to hold me too, but right now, to be honest, I'm too damn tired to be able to cope with that. I just want to sleep. Sleeeeeeeppppp.
So why am I so tired? You know by now of course that it's got nothing to do with a wild social life (ha! ha! ha!). No, it's all to do with a totally, totally crazy ass March. Most months, I translate around 40,000 words and do a few hours of proofreading plus 8 hours of teaching a week. It's enough, more than enough (though maybe not financially - my debt levels are through the roof), and leaves me pretty tired as a rule.
This month? I already have on my books (not done yet, not all of it anyway, but scheduled and due in before the end of the month) OVER 70,000 WORDS. I have to do about 5,000 words tomorrow and Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday just to make sure I make all my deadlines. Plus teach, too.
I'm not really complaining (well, OK, yes I am) because Lord knows I need the money and at least one of these gigs (24,000 words) is mega-well-paid, and paid quickly, and VAT free. But I feel like I'm drowning, that I'm flailing helplessly in a sea of Things To Do, woefully lacking in Time To Them.
And all I really want to do is sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
lundi 21 mars 2011
Pretty
Oh, how I do so love pretty things, and never, never as much as when I can't possibly afford to even contemplate the possibility of perhaps acquiring them. So you can imagine the torture it was this morning to see a nice, new, shiny Cath Kidston catalogue in my letter box. Such pretty things, and so many of them...
This, for example, or this, or this, or this or... well. You get the picture. And that's just one catalogue. There's also Hotel Chocolat, or Boden, or even IKEA (you might remember my secret love affair with IKEA...).
*sigh*
It's so hard being broke. And right now, I really am outstandingly broke. Heinously overdrawn on both my private and professional accounts, huge bills to be paid out, stuff that needs to be bought or done, and clients who just aren't paying me. Life without money (or, perhaps more specifically, life with huge money problems) really, really sucks.
I would love to be able to just go and buy the pretty things; buying pretty things makes me feel so much happier. And I particularly love buying pretty things on line because then not only do you have the pleasure of picking and choosing and buying something pretty, but you also have the delight of receiving a beautiful parcel through the post, even when it's not your birthday or Christmas or anything.
Maybe, one day, I'll be able to enjoy this simple pleasure once again...
This, for example, or this, or this, or this or... well. You get the picture. And that's just one catalogue. There's also Hotel Chocolat, or Boden, or even IKEA (you might remember my secret love affair with IKEA...).
*sigh*
It's so hard being broke. And right now, I really am outstandingly broke. Heinously overdrawn on both my private and professional accounts, huge bills to be paid out, stuff that needs to be bought or done, and clients who just aren't paying me. Life without money (or, perhaps more specifically, life with huge money problems) really, really sucks.
I would love to be able to just go and buy the pretty things; buying pretty things makes me feel so much happier. And I particularly love buying pretty things on line because then not only do you have the pleasure of picking and choosing and buying something pretty, but you also have the delight of receiving a beautiful parcel through the post, even when it's not your birthday or Christmas or anything.
Maybe, one day, I'll be able to enjoy this simple pleasure once again...
samedi 19 mars 2011
Epic
Yesterday (you KNOW I'm not doing NaBloPoMo, right?) was EPIC in so many ways.
An epic fail, in that I "wasted" the whole morning having coffees multiple with mothers from the girls' school. I arranged on Tuesday to have coffee with 2 friends, but the café they use is the HQ of the mothers-from-school gang, so obviously there were quite a few people there.
By the end, there were just three of us, one of the ones I'd arranged to meet, and a lovely Austrian lady I officially met at a party last summer. As we were walking away, my friend asked me how D is doing and well. The question that broke the camel's back. The tears started, the sympathy came thick and fast, and I realised that I'm just going to have to suck it up and become an object of pity. These two ladies were wonderful, positive, helpful and unbelievably kind. It felt so good to finally just break down and show that I'm not coping, that I'm not OK. Of course, we were standing on a street corner at the time, which wasn't ideal, but still. It felt good in a "feeling-like-shit" kind of way.
Then, there was work. After "wasting" the whole morning, I had to get down to work, because there's so much of it and I feel like I'm drowning in words. I ended up (by 3 am) translating a marathon 6,200 words, which is almost unimaginable. OK, the text wasn't hopelessly technical, but it's recipes, and they can be notoriously tricky. I haven't read it through, but it's essentially finished. Truly epic.
And then there was the funk I've managed to get myself in about money and my pathetic life. I found myself (when I took a break from all the translating) sobbing to Glee songs, sobbing to blog posts that hit home, sobbing for a blogger friend who's just discovered her unborn baby died last week, sobbing for so much.
An epic day, possibly just the start of an epic weekend.
An epic fail, in that I "wasted" the whole morning having coffees multiple with mothers from the girls' school. I arranged on Tuesday to have coffee with 2 friends, but the café they use is the HQ of the mothers-from-school gang, so obviously there were quite a few people there.
By the end, there were just three of us, one of the ones I'd arranged to meet, and a lovely Austrian lady I officially met at a party last summer. As we were walking away, my friend asked me how D is doing and well. The question that broke the camel's back. The tears started, the sympathy came thick and fast, and I realised that I'm just going to have to suck it up and become an object of pity. These two ladies were wonderful, positive, helpful and unbelievably kind. It felt so good to finally just break down and show that I'm not coping, that I'm not OK. Of course, we were standing on a street corner at the time, which wasn't ideal, but still. It felt good in a "feeling-like-shit" kind of way.
Then, there was work. After "wasting" the whole morning, I had to get down to work, because there's so much of it and I feel like I'm drowning in words. I ended up (by 3 am) translating a marathon 6,200 words, which is almost unimaginable. OK, the text wasn't hopelessly technical, but it's recipes, and they can be notoriously tricky. I haven't read it through, but it's essentially finished. Truly epic.
And then there was the funk I've managed to get myself in about money and my pathetic life. I found myself (when I took a break from all the translating) sobbing to Glee songs, sobbing to blog posts that hit home, sobbing for a blogger friend who's just discovered her unborn baby died last week, sobbing for so much.
An epic day, possibly just the start of an epic weekend.
jeudi 17 mars 2011
Travel
I would never consider myself to be a particularly adventurous person (quite the opposite, in fact). At the same time, I really do enjoy travelling, visiting new places, what have you. It's just that I'm not desperately keen to visit places that would require me to be adventurous (even if that's just an assumption my non-adventurous self is making).
So I have no wild, crazy desire to visit much of Africa, for example, even though I'm sure this is a huge mistake on my part. I'm not over enthusiastic about much of Asia, either, though I would like to see Vietnam, possibly China and Japan (not now, obviously, but you know what I mean). I do quite fancy South America - I have long had fantasies involving a beach I once saw in a poster advertising Venezuela, and I'd like to learn tango in Argentina.
I've visited a reasonable amount of Europe - England and Scotland, obviously, but also France, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Germany, Austria, Bulgaria, Belgium, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Sweden. And I would like to add the Czech Republic, Finland and Greece to that list.
What about Oceania? Australia always sounds cool, but my non-adventurous self is pretty much batshit terrified of all the spider possibilities and that puts me off (stupid, I know, and I fully assume, acknowledge and admit the stupidity of this); the Pacific islands are undoubtedly magnificent, and New Zealand always looks beautiful. It's just that none of that makes me sigh and dream. Don't know why.
That leaves North America. I'd quite like to visit Quebec, though not in winter obviously. And then, finally, the US. There's a lot of the US I'd like to visit - NYC again, because I had such a good time there last time (my only visit to the US to date - a week in NYC in April 2001), New Orleans, San Francisco, Colorado, Seattle...
Last summer, I took the girls to Bilbao in Spain. An unusual choice, most would say, but it was dictated by the need for somewhere we could get to by train and the fact that the chain of hotels I wanted to use had a "50% off" deal there. No regrets, though, it was a great place. We visited lovely things, did fun things, enjoyed it very much.
For this year, no plans have been made for anything at all yet, mainly because I'm soooooo broke (chronically in debt, in fact), plus no "50% off " mails have reached me yet... I'm thinking maybe Italy this year, but I'm not sure, we'll see.
One thing that is 100% certain is that I won't be going to San Diego this summer after all. Even if I hadn't missed the BlogHer Early Bird rate (which is a truly great rate for a big conference like BlogHer), it was always the REST of the trip that was too expensive: flights (about $750), hotels ($200 a night in the "recommended hotels", and I never got an answer to the question I sent about cheaper options) and the need to spend so many nights in a hotel (San Diego is a LONG WAY from here - it would mean about 6 nights in all), plus "being there" expenses. By my calculation, attending BlogHer would have cost me upwards of $1500, which is just ridiculous. It would have meant not going on holiday with my daughters, and that isn't an option. Plus, given my current (lack of) finances, booking would have been not only unreasonable, but most likely impossible (my credit cards don't work any more so I can't spend any money, take any money out, do anything). So, no San Diego. I'm very disappointed, even though the thought of going was unbelievably scary given that I don't know a single person there and I'm chronically shy, insecure and lacking in self-confidence.
but I am going to make it to BlogHer one day. I know I will. I just hope it'll be before I'm truly too old to enjoy it (if that isn't already the case). Maybe if it's on the east coast somewhere next year that would be easier (quicker to get to, less hotel nights)... I'll see.
So yeah. This year doesn't seem set to be a year of much travel. But I will travel again, I will have the means to do so again. I want to take my daughters places, show them things, help them meet people, absorb new cultures, new things. There's a whole world out there and I want the three of us to visit so much of it....
So I have no wild, crazy desire to visit much of Africa, for example, even though I'm sure this is a huge mistake on my part. I'm not over enthusiastic about much of Asia, either, though I would like to see Vietnam, possibly China and Japan (not now, obviously, but you know what I mean). I do quite fancy South America - I have long had fantasies involving a beach I once saw in a poster advertising Venezuela, and I'd like to learn tango in Argentina.
I've visited a reasonable amount of Europe - England and Scotland, obviously, but also France, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Germany, Austria, Bulgaria, Belgium, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Sweden. And I would like to add the Czech Republic, Finland and Greece to that list.
What about Oceania? Australia always sounds cool, but my non-adventurous self is pretty much batshit terrified of all the spider possibilities and that puts me off (stupid, I know, and I fully assume, acknowledge and admit the stupidity of this); the Pacific islands are undoubtedly magnificent, and New Zealand always looks beautiful. It's just that none of that makes me sigh and dream. Don't know why.
That leaves North America. I'd quite like to visit Quebec, though not in winter obviously. And then, finally, the US. There's a lot of the US I'd like to visit - NYC again, because I had such a good time there last time (my only visit to the US to date - a week in NYC in April 2001), New Orleans, San Francisco, Colorado, Seattle...
Last summer, I took the girls to Bilbao in Spain. An unusual choice, most would say, but it was dictated by the need for somewhere we could get to by train and the fact that the chain of hotels I wanted to use had a "50% off" deal there. No regrets, though, it was a great place. We visited lovely things, did fun things, enjoyed it very much.
For this year, no plans have been made for anything at all yet, mainly because I'm soooooo broke (chronically in debt, in fact), plus no "50% off " mails have reached me yet... I'm thinking maybe Italy this year, but I'm not sure, we'll see.
One thing that is 100% certain is that I won't be going to San Diego this summer after all. Even if I hadn't missed the BlogHer Early Bird rate (which is a truly great rate for a big conference like BlogHer), it was always the REST of the trip that was too expensive: flights (about $750), hotels ($200 a night in the "recommended hotels", and I never got an answer to the question I sent about cheaper options) and the need to spend so many nights in a hotel (San Diego is a LONG WAY from here - it would mean about 6 nights in all), plus "being there" expenses. By my calculation, attending BlogHer would have cost me upwards of $1500, which is just ridiculous. It would have meant not going on holiday with my daughters, and that isn't an option. Plus, given my current (lack of) finances, booking would have been not only unreasonable, but most likely impossible (my credit cards don't work any more so I can't spend any money, take any money out, do anything). So, no San Diego. I'm very disappointed, even though the thought of going was unbelievably scary given that I don't know a single person there and I'm chronically shy, insecure and lacking in self-confidence.
but I am going to make it to BlogHer one day. I know I will. I just hope it'll be before I'm truly too old to enjoy it (if that isn't already the case). Maybe if it's on the east coast somewhere next year that would be easier (quicker to get to, less hotel nights)... I'll see.
So yeah. This year doesn't seem set to be a year of much travel. But I will travel again, I will have the means to do so again. I want to take my daughters places, show them things, help them meet people, absorb new cultures, new things. There's a whole world out there and I want the three of us to visit so much of it....
mercredi 9 février 2011
OMG A new post at last!
OK, OK, it's now 9 Feb and this is my first post of 2011... Total fail, I know. But well. Nothing much to write, except more of the same (you know, bla, bla, lonely, bla, bla, miserable, bla, bla, fighting with my daughters, bla, bla, too much work...). So what's the point?
Well, the point is... errr... there's no point. This is my blog, I don't need to have a point. I can just write here, say what I want and not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks (especially as virtually no one reads this shit anyway).
Winter has been pretty kind to this part of the world. There have been a few cold days, but more mild ones; a few rainy days, but waaaaay more sunny ones; and, of course, no snow days at all. Yet. I can't help long for the warm sun of spring and summer; I can't wait to start planning the summer holiday (I can't do it yet as friends are coming and I need to know their dates first). One thing is sure - no BlogHer in San Diego for me, I simply can't afford it. Maybe next year (in the hope BlogHer 2012 might be on the east coast rather than California). But I am hoping to take the girls to Italy, maybe via a friend near Marseille...
I'm also planning to turn my life around. I know I've said this before, and virtually nothing has come of it, but the process has started - I've started the big "tidy up", you just can't tell yet. I've been forced to do my accounts for 2010, so for once I'm up to date before tax season starts (this is a first); I'm going to get all my teaching materials sorted out, finish tidying the kitchen (which is already pretty good), do my room... I'd like to move furniture around, make the place FEEL different. I want to change the locks on the front door as D still has a set of keys and I don't like that ONE BIT. I want to paint walls, put up curtains, soften the lighting... CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE. I want to get a real haircut (not just a trim), I want to get a proper dinner service (even if it's just an IKEA one)...
This is all random and unstructured, but it's 4.30 am, I'm exhausted, drowning in texts to translate and totally incapable (still) of going to bed at a decent time.
*sigh*
I'm trying my hardest to make 2011 a better year than 2010, but it's hard, and isn't working so far (lots of tears - lots of songs make me cry, and the imminent St Valentine's day isn't helping), but I intend to persist. I'm going to make it happier - somehow.
But I can't help wishing, deep down inside, that there was a man who could love me, help me, comfort me, share jokes and chocolate with me, make me feel special. The frightening part is that it's unlikely that that will ever happen - and I'm really struggling to accept it.
Well, the point is... errr... there's no point. This is my blog, I don't need to have a point. I can just write here, say what I want and not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks (especially as virtually no one reads this shit anyway).
Winter has been pretty kind to this part of the world. There have been a few cold days, but more mild ones; a few rainy days, but waaaaay more sunny ones; and, of course, no snow days at all. Yet. I can't help long for the warm sun of spring and summer; I can't wait to start planning the summer holiday (I can't do it yet as friends are coming and I need to know their dates first). One thing is sure - no BlogHer in San Diego for me, I simply can't afford it. Maybe next year (in the hope BlogHer 2012 might be on the east coast rather than California). But I am hoping to take the girls to Italy, maybe via a friend near Marseille...
I'm also planning to turn my life around. I know I've said this before, and virtually nothing has come of it, but the process has started - I've started the big "tidy up", you just can't tell yet. I've been forced to do my accounts for 2010, so for once I'm up to date before tax season starts (this is a first); I'm going to get all my teaching materials sorted out, finish tidying the kitchen (which is already pretty good), do my room... I'd like to move furniture around, make the place FEEL different. I want to change the locks on the front door as D still has a set of keys and I don't like that ONE BIT. I want to paint walls, put up curtains, soften the lighting... CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE. I want to get a real haircut (not just a trim), I want to get a proper dinner service (even if it's just an IKEA one)...
This is all random and unstructured, but it's 4.30 am, I'm exhausted, drowning in texts to translate and totally incapable (still) of going to bed at a decent time.
*sigh*
I'm trying my hardest to make 2011 a better year than 2010, but it's hard, and isn't working so far (lots of tears - lots of songs make me cry, and the imminent St Valentine's day isn't helping), but I intend to persist. I'm going to make it happier - somehow.
But I can't help wishing, deep down inside, that there was a man who could love me, help me, comfort me, share jokes and chocolate with me, make me feel special. The frightening part is that it's unlikely that that will ever happen - and I'm really struggling to accept it.
dimanche 7 mars 2010
Rhetorical question
As in, I don't really want to hear any answers...
So: 2010, just how much more crappy can you possibly get?
The heavy, deeply disturbing stuff continues to crash all around me but I can't write about it here. Can't even bring myself to write the words, they hurt too much.
In addition to the crappiness of January (death and poverty), the multi-crappiness of February included the aforementioned heavy stuff, plus a stinking cold (no big deal, but a pain in the butt nonetheless) swiftly followed by a vicious bout of stomach flu (barfing galore) followed by the worst case of hayfever EVER RECORDED. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for 10 FUCKING DAYS. I've tried every over-the-counter crap you can think of (nose sprays, homeopathy, inhalations of Vick's VapoRub, physiological serum...) and nothing works. I can't sleep (it's worse - if that's possible - when I lie down, plus lakes of drool form on my pillow from having my mouth open all the time (you're welcome)), I can't concentrate on the mountains of work I have to do, eating and drinking are torture (can't breathe at all) and OHGODI'MMISERABLE.
I'm going to see a doctor on Monday (I hope) but this promises to be a long, shitty weekend.
In addition to all that, money is still my n°1 stress producer (DEBTDEBTDEBT eating away at me), D still hasn't got a job and I'm just fed up with 2010 already.
Moan, moan, moan. Do I ever do anything else?!
So: 2010, just how much more crappy can you possibly get?
The heavy, deeply disturbing stuff continues to crash all around me but I can't write about it here. Can't even bring myself to write the words, they hurt too much.
In addition to the crappiness of January (death and poverty), the multi-crappiness of February included the aforementioned heavy stuff, plus a stinking cold (no big deal, but a pain in the butt nonetheless) swiftly followed by a vicious bout of stomach flu (barfing galore) followed by the worst case of hayfever EVER RECORDED. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for 10 FUCKING DAYS. I've tried every over-the-counter crap you can think of (nose sprays, homeopathy, inhalations of Vick's VapoRub, physiological serum...) and nothing works. I can't sleep (it's worse - if that's possible - when I lie down, plus lakes of drool form on my pillow from having my mouth open all the time (you're welcome)), I can't concentrate on the mountains of work I have to do, eating and drinking are torture (can't breathe at all) and OHGODI'MMISERABLE.
I'm going to see a doctor on Monday (I hope) but this promises to be a long, shitty weekend.
In addition to all that, money is still my n°1 stress producer (DEBTDEBTDEBT eating away at me), D still hasn't got a job and I'm just fed up with 2010 already.
Moan, moan, moan. Do I ever do anything else?!
samedi 2 janvier 2010
The long one
HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!
It's been a busy couple of weeks, I can tell you. We somehow managed to fly from and to just about the only airports in the western world still operating on 20/12 (flew from Girona in Spain to Birmingham in England and then Edinburgh in Scotland - most of France was closed (Paris, Lyon...), most English airports too, and most Scottish too. And Edinburgh airport closed the next day...) and reached a snowy Scotland.
I haven't seen so much snow since 1996 in Lyon! Of course, it meant we couldn't do very much - icy roads, doubts about buses home and so on, but the girls had fun in the snow and my cousins invited us to their fabulous house so they could go sledging, make snowmen, have snowball fights and stuff.
Christmas was good. Lots of presents (though not for me - I received very little, in fact, but don't really mind. No, really!), lots of fun and games. D and my dad got on fine, no arguments for once.
And my angel, my sweet girl, my baby, C, turned 8. How did that happen? She seems so grown up, so big. But still my baby girl. Oh, I love her so much! But 8! Holy cow... adolescence is looming large...
L was very well behaved, too. She loved her Lego pirate stuff, and she loved the Tinkerbell costume my dad bought her, and she loved the snow and my cousins' cat Mack. She was cute as a button and I was very proud of her!
We came home avoiding all the bad weather again - it was -16°C when we left my dad's house on Tuesday morning, +17°C when we arrived in Girona the next day (we spent the afternoon and night in Birmingham - had fun at the hotel, at the great science museum ThinkTank, at an Indian restaurant...) - and were delighted to get home to my sweet Tom, who was in great shape thanks to our lovely neighbour.
We spent New Year's Eve afternoon shopping in a packed and decimated Carrefour, then the evening itself quietly at a friend's house (just an English friend and her 8-year-old daughter). We chatted in a quiet and civilised manner, the three girls dressed up and played beautifully together till after 1 in the morning!
And there you have it. I've spent New Year's Day a) in bed till lunchtime b) out in the "cold" (why does the cold here seem so much colder than in Scotland?) with the girls as they rode their bikes and c) working. Of course. Shitloads to do, as usual, so I end up working on 1st Jan! Grrrrrrr
And now, in honour of the title of this post, I'm repeating Linda's questionnaire (as I did last year)! Unsurprisingly, many of the answers are the same as last year - talk about stuck in a rut!
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Wrote what I suppose you could call a "novel", though I have serious doubts about it and am not sure how much further (if any further) I'll be going with it...
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Never really make any serious resolutions because I seem to be pathologically devoid of any self-discipline
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not really close, but yes, I know a few people who had babies this year, mainly mothers at the girls' (Catholic) school.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not really, but people I know (and have known all my life) died unexpectedly, it's just that they weren't particularly close to me
5. What countries did you visit?
England, Scotland, Spain (briefly three times)
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Less money worries
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No particular dates stand out - this hasn't been a very memorable year
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Writing the aforementioned novel
9. What was your biggest failure?
Putting on so much weight from eating so much crap
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really (thankfully)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our "new" car - a turquoise blue Renault Scenic II. Yeah, it's put us horribly into debt but it's a cool car, a car that looks good and that WORKS!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Obama, for pushing his healthcare reform through
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My MIL on (many) occasions (not all the time, I swear, but a lot lately)
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and paying off debt (mine and D's)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Not much - 2009 wasn't, as I said above, a particularly memorable year
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Nothing jumps to mind, though C has recently "discovered" "High School Musical" so we've been hearing a fair amount of that. Oh, and the various religious "songs" that the girls come back with from school...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About the same
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter (unfortunately)
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, I guess (more in debt, anyway)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating crap
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my dad's house in Scotland, lots of snow, very cold, very icy. A good Christmas, even if we couldn't get out and about very much!
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Don't really watch TV
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No
24. What was the best book you read?
Malcolm Pryce - "Aberystwyth mon amour". Daft but hilarious
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I think I'm too old for this question!
26. What did you want and get?
The aforementioned Malcolm Pryce book, plus its sequel "Last tango in Aberystwyth"
27. What did you want and not get?
Body Shop eau de toilette, Nigella Lawson cook book (can you believe I was hoping for the same things this Christmas - and didn't get them again?!)
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Up
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Our friends, P, S and their son, T came to lunch, then D organised for other friends to drop round all afternoon. Nothing wild, but it was nice. I turned 40, God help me
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having to worry about money all the time
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I think I look pretty cool but no one else sees it that way + sporting the muffin top
32. What kept you sane?
Blogging, getting time on my own and my fantasies
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Johnny Depp, always and ever
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama's health care reform (even if I'm not American)
35. Who did you miss?
My friends, J and M in England
36. Who was the best new person you met?
One of the mothers in the PTA at the girls' new school (same answer as last year, but I'm not talking about the same one!)
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
I'm getting older (and old, as far as most people are concerned) and should try and embrace it rather than just freak out
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Like Linda, I'm going to go for a simple quote for this: "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" because really, things haven't changed much in a year - my life is still dominated by worrying about money, about D not having work, about me being fat and eating crap...
Of course, I haven't really made any resolutions this year, but if I did, it would be "get my life in order" - get fitter, get tidier, get better hours, work more efficiently, save money, earn money, pay off debt, do my accounts...
A tall order, of course, but I'm giving myself a year to get things in motion.
Happy 2010 to you all!
It's been a busy couple of weeks, I can tell you. We somehow managed to fly from and to just about the only airports in the western world still operating on 20/12 (flew from Girona in Spain to Birmingham in England and then Edinburgh in Scotland - most of France was closed (Paris, Lyon...), most English airports too, and most Scottish too. And Edinburgh airport closed the next day...) and reached a snowy Scotland.
I haven't seen so much snow since 1996 in Lyon! Of course, it meant we couldn't do very much - icy roads, doubts about buses home and so on, but the girls had fun in the snow and my cousins invited us to their fabulous house so they could go sledging, make snowmen, have snowball fights and stuff.
Christmas was good. Lots of presents (though not for me - I received very little, in fact, but don't really mind. No, really!), lots of fun and games. D and my dad got on fine, no arguments for once.
And my angel, my sweet girl, my baby, C, turned 8. How did that happen? She seems so grown up, so big. But still my baby girl. Oh, I love her so much! But 8! Holy cow... adolescence is looming large...
L was very well behaved, too. She loved her Lego pirate stuff, and she loved the Tinkerbell costume my dad bought her, and she loved the snow and my cousins' cat Mack. She was cute as a button and I was very proud of her!
We came home avoiding all the bad weather again - it was -16°C when we left my dad's house on Tuesday morning, +17°C when we arrived in Girona the next day (we spent the afternoon and night in Birmingham - had fun at the hotel, at the great science museum ThinkTank, at an Indian restaurant...) - and were delighted to get home to my sweet Tom, who was in great shape thanks to our lovely neighbour.
We spent New Year's Eve afternoon shopping in a packed and decimated Carrefour, then the evening itself quietly at a friend's house (just an English friend and her 8-year-old daughter). We chatted in a quiet and civilised manner, the three girls dressed up and played beautifully together till after 1 in the morning!
And there you have it. I've spent New Year's Day a) in bed till lunchtime b) out in the "cold" (why does the cold here seem so much colder than in Scotland?) with the girls as they rode their bikes and c) working. Of course. Shitloads to do, as usual, so I end up working on 1st Jan! Grrrrrrr
And now, in honour of the title of this post, I'm repeating Linda's questionnaire (as I did last year)! Unsurprisingly, many of the answers are the same as last year - talk about stuck in a rut!
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Wrote what I suppose you could call a "novel", though I have serious doubts about it and am not sure how much further (if any further) I'll be going with it...
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Never really make any serious resolutions because I seem to be pathologically devoid of any self-discipline
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not really close, but yes, I know a few people who had babies this year, mainly mothers at the girls' (Catholic) school.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not really, but people I know (and have known all my life) died unexpectedly, it's just that they weren't particularly close to me
5. What countries did you visit?
England, Scotland, Spain (briefly three times)
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Less money worries
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No particular dates stand out - this hasn't been a very memorable year
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Writing the aforementioned novel
9. What was your biggest failure?
Putting on so much weight from eating so much crap
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really (thankfully)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our "new" car - a turquoise blue Renault Scenic II. Yeah, it's put us horribly into debt but it's a cool car, a car that looks good and that WORKS!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Obama, for pushing his healthcare reform through
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My MIL on (many) occasions (not all the time, I swear, but a lot lately)
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and paying off debt (mine and D's)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Not much - 2009 wasn't, as I said above, a particularly memorable year
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Nothing jumps to mind, though C has recently "discovered" "High School Musical" so we've been hearing a fair amount of that. Oh, and the various religious "songs" that the girls come back with from school...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About the same
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter (unfortunately)
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, I guess (more in debt, anyway)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating crap
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my dad's house in Scotland, lots of snow, very cold, very icy. A good Christmas, even if we couldn't get out and about very much!
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Don't really watch TV
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No
24. What was the best book you read?
Malcolm Pryce - "Aberystwyth mon amour". Daft but hilarious
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I think I'm too old for this question!
26. What did you want and get?
The aforementioned Malcolm Pryce book, plus its sequel "Last tango in Aberystwyth"
27. What did you want and not get?
Body Shop eau de toilette, Nigella Lawson cook book (can you believe I was hoping for the same things this Christmas - and didn't get them again?!)
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Up
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Our friends, P, S and their son, T came to lunch, then D organised for other friends to drop round all afternoon. Nothing wild, but it was nice. I turned 40, God help me
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having to worry about money all the time
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I think I look pretty cool but no one else sees it that way + sporting the muffin top
32. What kept you sane?
Blogging, getting time on my own and my fantasies
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Johnny Depp, always and ever
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama's health care reform (even if I'm not American)
35. Who did you miss?
My friends, J and M in England
36. Who was the best new person you met?
One of the mothers in the PTA at the girls' new school (same answer as last year, but I'm not talking about the same one!)
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
I'm getting older (and old, as far as most people are concerned) and should try and embrace it rather than just freak out
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Like Linda, I'm going to go for a simple quote for this: "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" because really, things haven't changed much in a year - my life is still dominated by worrying about money, about D not having work, about me being fat and eating crap...
Of course, I haven't really made any resolutions this year, but if I did, it would be "get my life in order" - get fitter, get tidier, get better hours, work more efficiently, save money, earn money, pay off debt, do my accounts...
A tall order, of course, but I'm giving myself a year to get things in motion.
Happy 2010 to you all!
dimanche 1 novembre 2009
It's that time of year again...
Yeah, like I'm not already overwhelmed, I've decided to go ahead and do the NaBloPoMo thing again this year... And I'm not sure I'm going to make it, but I'm sure as hell going to give it a try. Add a little discipline to my life, if you like.
Nothing much to report here, of course. I took the girls to a Hallowe'en party last night (Hallowe'en is virtually non-existent for children here in France, but we have a Franco-American language school just around the corner and they put on a party every year) and was delighted when they both won prizes for their costumes (put together, home-made style, by yours truly): L won third prize for her adorable pumpkin and C also won third prize for her equally adorable cat. I was so pleased!
There were games and dancing and lots of sweets, so of course they both had a great time! I was chilled to the bone by the end of it, but enjoyed it too.
The half-term holidays are coming to a close (the girls go back to school on Wednesday) and it's been quite hard as I've had a shitload of work, but it's been quite good all the same. The fabulous weather certainly helps.
And as for my worries, well, they haven't gone away, but I'm hanging in there and am hoping to climb out of (some) debt by the end of the year. I just have to keep working, working, working...
Oh, and I've bought my Christmas cards and even done quite a bit of Christmas shopping - how's that for organised!
Now, if I could just get this place tidied up by Tuesday lunchtime, when a friend and her kids come to lunch, I might even feel happy...
Nothing much to report here, of course. I took the girls to a Hallowe'en party last night (Hallowe'en is virtually non-existent for children here in France, but we have a Franco-American language school just around the corner and they put on a party every year) and was delighted when they both won prizes for their costumes (put together, home-made style, by yours truly): L won third prize for her adorable pumpkin and C also won third prize for her equally adorable cat. I was so pleased!
There were games and dancing and lots of sweets, so of course they both had a great time! I was chilled to the bone by the end of it, but enjoyed it too.
The half-term holidays are coming to a close (the girls go back to school on Wednesday) and it's been quite hard as I've had a shitload of work, but it's been quite good all the same. The fabulous weather certainly helps.
And as for my worries, well, they haven't gone away, but I'm hanging in there and am hoping to climb out of (some) debt by the end of the year. I just have to keep working, working, working...
Oh, and I've bought my Christmas cards and even done quite a bit of Christmas shopping - how's that for organised!
Now, if I could just get this place tidied up by Tuesday lunchtime, when a friend and her kids come to lunch, I might even feel happy...
samedi 17 octobre 2009
Hanging in
Nothing's really changed (except the weather, which is no longer summer but most definitely autumn), but I'm feeling a little less panicked. Possibly because of what my commenter said in my response to my last post (thank you!), possibly because a couple of clients have paid me and more are probably set to do so in the next few days, possibly because (as a result) one of my bank accounts is actually in the black, possibly because I just spent a shitload of money (that I don't really have) on our upcoming trip to Scotland for Christmas, possibly just because I seem to have come through the weird cold-flu-type thing I had for a few days (was it H1N1? Who knows. But I felt mildly crap and now feel better, so that's the main thing).
Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.
I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!
So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.
But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!
Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.
I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!
So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.
But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!
jeudi 8 octobre 2009
Screwed
My life feels like it's such a mess right now. I'm at my wits' end, I really am.
Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.
Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...
I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.
Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).
D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.
I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.
I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!
Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.
Help.
Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.
Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...
I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.
Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).
D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.
I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.
I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!
Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.
Help.
vendredi 18 septembre 2009
Guilt
Guilt is high on my list of feelings right now - I don't have many readers (slight understatement!), but my most reliable one is upset that I don't write more often. Phooey, I would have said, until she pointed out that I've only produced two posts since my birthday. Two posts in four months. That is, I hate to admit, pretty pathetic, even by my standards.
So here I am, back again.
My dear, kind dad has gone back to Scotland after 3 pretty nice weeks here "with us" (only actually 5 days altogether, with two weeks in his rented flat down at the beach), whilst my MIL from hell is still here, with no return ticket bought and no clear cut ideas of what she's doing from Sunday onwards. God help me. She's angling to come here, but we (D and I) have said "only 2 nights" and "only next weekend", mainly to put it off as long as possible, but also to let me try and get all the goddamn sheets washed from the my dad's visit.
More guilt where my MIL is concerned. Apart from the "no return ticket" crap (which bugs me shitless but is hardly unsurprising as she does this every time), everything's been OK with her, but I've now got to the stage where just seeing her or hearing her voice is enough to get my hackles raised and all my deep-seated aggressiveness bubbling out of me...
Maybe I have "issues".
Of course, my stress levels are through the roof because we owe so much money to so many people, and my clients are all dragging their feet about paying me and I'm overdrawn just about everywhere despite my dad giving me money and oh, it's all very depressing.
Don't really know what to do to get myself out of this ghastly financial hole. The ideal solution would be for D to actually start earning some money, but that seems as likely as his mother turning into a nice person, so I'm pretty much at my wits' end where money is concerned. Work is quiet at the moment, but I'm sure (hoping) that won't last and the reality is that I really can't work that much more than I already do.
Holy hell, I hate having to worry about money all the time!
At least the girls seem happy. Back to school has been good, we've met their new teachers (who seem pretty nice), the girls are both happy to be with their friends, their activities are all starting up (L's doing dancing and circus, C's doing circus and swimming).
I am feeling pretty frustrated with myself. I feel fat and bloated and ugly, I feel like I've failed pretty miserably professionally speaking, I feel out of place amongst the chic and elegant mothers at school. Our flat is still - surprise, surprise - a total mess, and I just get the impression that I can't ever get my life in order. I have so many good plans, good ideas, lists... and then end up doing nothing other than eat crap, stay up till ridiculous hours and play endless games on Game Duell (don't go there, it's hopelessly addictive, even if (like me) you only play the free games).
Every year, in January, I say that I'll get my life sorted once and for all. And then don't. Then I say the same thing every September, and it looks like I'm going to fail yet again.
And I don't even dare look at my somewhat rash "40 things before 40" list to see how many of those I failed.
I need help, I need to see my friends, I need to win the lottery (not much chance of that as I don't play).
I feel lonely and ashamed of my failure and, yes, guilty, for letting everyone down, starting with my parents, then myself, my teachers who had such faith in me, and now even my beautiful daughters who really do deserve someone better than me.
So, there you have it. Yet another moan-fest from the south of France.
I really do hope that one day I'll be able to write something utterly cheerful and frivolous!
So here I am, back again.
My dear, kind dad has gone back to Scotland after 3 pretty nice weeks here "with us" (only actually 5 days altogether, with two weeks in his rented flat down at the beach), whilst my MIL from hell is still here, with no return ticket bought and no clear cut ideas of what she's doing from Sunday onwards. God help me. She's angling to come here, but we (D and I) have said "only 2 nights" and "only next weekend", mainly to put it off as long as possible, but also to let me try and get all the goddamn sheets washed from the my dad's visit.
More guilt where my MIL is concerned. Apart from the "no return ticket" crap (which bugs me shitless but is hardly unsurprising as she does this every time), everything's been OK with her, but I've now got to the stage where just seeing her or hearing her voice is enough to get my hackles raised and all my deep-seated aggressiveness bubbling out of me...
Maybe I have "issues".
Of course, my stress levels are through the roof because we owe so much money to so many people, and my clients are all dragging their feet about paying me and I'm overdrawn just about everywhere despite my dad giving me money and oh, it's all very depressing.
Don't really know what to do to get myself out of this ghastly financial hole. The ideal solution would be for D to actually start earning some money, but that seems as likely as his mother turning into a nice person, so I'm pretty much at my wits' end where money is concerned. Work is quiet at the moment, but I'm sure (hoping) that won't last and the reality is that I really can't work that much more than I already do.
Holy hell, I hate having to worry about money all the time!
At least the girls seem happy. Back to school has been good, we've met their new teachers (who seem pretty nice), the girls are both happy to be with their friends, their activities are all starting up (L's doing dancing and circus, C's doing circus and swimming).
I am feeling pretty frustrated with myself. I feel fat and bloated and ugly, I feel like I've failed pretty miserably professionally speaking, I feel out of place amongst the chic and elegant mothers at school. Our flat is still - surprise, surprise - a total mess, and I just get the impression that I can't ever get my life in order. I have so many good plans, good ideas, lists... and then end up doing nothing other than eat crap, stay up till ridiculous hours and play endless games on Game Duell (don't go there, it's hopelessly addictive, even if (like me) you only play the free games).
Every year, in January, I say that I'll get my life sorted once and for all. And then don't. Then I say the same thing every September, and it looks like I'm going to fail yet again.
And I don't even dare look at my somewhat rash "40 things before 40" list to see how many of those I failed.
I need help, I need to see my friends, I need to win the lottery (not much chance of that as I don't play).
I feel lonely and ashamed of my failure and, yes, guilty, for letting everyone down, starting with my parents, then myself, my teachers who had such faith in me, and now even my beautiful daughters who really do deserve someone better than me.
So, there you have it. Yet another moan-fest from the south of France.
I really do hope that one day I'll be able to write something utterly cheerful and frivolous!
jeudi 3 septembre 2009
Beginnings
Gosh, well. 12 July was actually almost 2 months ago (and certainly feels like an eternity ago). I'm so crap at this blogging lark...
So summer's officially over (even though it was probably 30°C here today and sunny...). The girls went back to school today: C, my sweet little 7-year-old, started in Year 3 (CE 2 here in France), which seems very big and serious, and my baby, my 5-year-old L, started in her last year of kindergarten. They were very excited and delighted to be going back and had a great time, so all's well. New felt-tip pens and crayons and what have you were purchased, hair was brushed (a rare occurrence, especially in the mornings), friends were back together. They both have nice teachers this year, I have a feeling all will be well. And no, C is not in the same class as the dreaded A...
As for our summer, well: the weather's been fantastic (sorry for any Brits out there - I know you've had a rough time!), we've been to the beach (or a local, manmade lake to avoid the sardines on the beach) more times than I can count, our holiday in St Jean de Luz was lovely, even if I didn't get my thalasso day (we couldn't afford it, I made the sacrifice), we went to a funfair, saw friends, had picnics...
Of course, there's still plenty for me to moan about: I actually dislike going to the beach because I feel horribly white (undeniable), fat (frequently commented on) and ugly (my opinion, but rarely contradicted), meaning I never even put my bikini on because I can't stand my muffin top blubber. Plus I swim like a lead brick. So, I do the "helping with swimming costumes-blowing up armband-drying off-packing up" routine, watch over the girls while D swims and sit there feeling resentful of all the lithe, tanned women around me.
As a result, our holiday was a little frustrating as we didn't actually do many of the things I would have liked to have done, instead going to the beach EVERY DAY. No thalasso, no stroll around the old quarter of San Sebastian and pintxos, no trip to a cave and a mountain lake, no museums (except the lovely Biarritz aquarium), no "typical Basque" dinner out, no cafés... just up late, lots of DVDs, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and the beach.
I mean yes, it was a stunning place, and our flat was great, and the weather was glorious, and we did do a few things, but still. I feel like we missed out on quite a lot too.
Since we got back (a month ago), the mess in our flat has grown exponentially because we have actually managed to decorate the girls' room (stripped the wallpaper off - horrendous in 39°C weather - polyfilla-ed some of the holes, rubbed the whole room down, painted the whole thing cream), but we haven't found the time to put all their stuff back in it yet.
Also, my dad arrived here from 18°C Scotland last week, spent 2 days with us and then we took him down to the flat he's rented down at the beach for 2 weeks. The girls spent the night with him the day we painted their room, even if it still stinks of paint even now, 3 days later.
The girls and I took him to the lovely Alphons Mucha exhibition currently on at the Musée Fabre, and we're having lunch with him on Saturday.
The main problem is, as every year (third year in a row), my MIL from hell is arriving on Saturday, meaning they'll be in the same beach town together (though hopefully not really together - she is, at least, coming with a friend) for a week. My dad then comes back to us on 12 Sept (while my MIL is staying for "at least another week" - she never gives us a departure date, which is one of the many things that drive me BATSHIT CRAZY about her), will be spending the day with us at a friend's house in the country on the 13th (MIL can't come - our car only has 5 seats: HA!) and flies home on the 15th. As I said, God only knows when my MIL is leaving - her friend leaves on the 19th, so the last few days could be hellish as she'll be on her own...
What else? Heavens, so much seems to have happened...
Still no money, despite my wonderful dad's help (so humiliating to still have to rely on him to bale me out - I know it's D's "fault" for not having any income, but still. I really do feel as if I'm a monumental failure), not much work on the horizon except unpaid marking for my students from last year, still stressed as hell.
But we're planning on going to Scotland for Christmas, and I've got my eye on another translation conference in Lisbon, except that it's in May this time and I'd only get back late afternoon on Mother's Day, so I'll have to think about this.
I'm sorry - this feels very disjointed and incoherent, but I just wanted to get a post up before anyone who does actually bother to read this just assumes I'm dead or something...
I hope you all (hope springs eternal) had a good summer and that the Rentrée brings you all a happy, healthy and prosperous year (and for me, too!).
So summer's officially over (even though it was probably 30°C here today and sunny...). The girls went back to school today: C, my sweet little 7-year-old, started in Year 3 (CE 2 here in France), which seems very big and serious, and my baby, my 5-year-old L, started in her last year of kindergarten. They were very excited and delighted to be going back and had a great time, so all's well. New felt-tip pens and crayons and what have you were purchased, hair was brushed (a rare occurrence, especially in the mornings), friends were back together. They both have nice teachers this year, I have a feeling all will be well. And no, C is not in the same class as the dreaded A...
As for our summer, well: the weather's been fantastic (sorry for any Brits out there - I know you've had a rough time!), we've been to the beach (or a local, manmade lake to avoid the sardines on the beach) more times than I can count, our holiday in St Jean de Luz was lovely, even if I didn't get my thalasso day (we couldn't afford it, I made the sacrifice), we went to a funfair, saw friends, had picnics...
Of course, there's still plenty for me to moan about: I actually dislike going to the beach because I feel horribly white (undeniable), fat (frequently commented on) and ugly (my opinion, but rarely contradicted), meaning I never even put my bikini on because I can't stand my muffin top blubber. Plus I swim like a lead brick. So, I do the "helping with swimming costumes-blowing up armband-drying off-packing up" routine, watch over the girls while D swims and sit there feeling resentful of all the lithe, tanned women around me.
As a result, our holiday was a little frustrating as we didn't actually do many of the things I would have liked to have done, instead going to the beach EVERY DAY. No thalasso, no stroll around the old quarter of San Sebastian and pintxos, no trip to a cave and a mountain lake, no museums (except the lovely Biarritz aquarium), no "typical Basque" dinner out, no cafés... just up late, lots of DVDs, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and the beach.
I mean yes, it was a stunning place, and our flat was great, and the weather was glorious, and we did do a few things, but still. I feel like we missed out on quite a lot too.
Since we got back (a month ago), the mess in our flat has grown exponentially because we have actually managed to decorate the girls' room (stripped the wallpaper off - horrendous in 39°C weather - polyfilla-ed some of the holes, rubbed the whole room down, painted the whole thing cream), but we haven't found the time to put all their stuff back in it yet.
Also, my dad arrived here from 18°C Scotland last week, spent 2 days with us and then we took him down to the flat he's rented down at the beach for 2 weeks. The girls spent the night with him the day we painted their room, even if it still stinks of paint even now, 3 days later.
The girls and I took him to the lovely Alphons Mucha exhibition currently on at the Musée Fabre, and we're having lunch with him on Saturday.
The main problem is, as every year (third year in a row), my MIL from hell is arriving on Saturday, meaning they'll be in the same beach town together (though hopefully not really together - she is, at least, coming with a friend) for a week. My dad then comes back to us on 12 Sept (while my MIL is staying for "at least another week" - she never gives us a departure date, which is one of the many things that drive me BATSHIT CRAZY about her), will be spending the day with us at a friend's house in the country on the 13th (MIL can't come - our car only has 5 seats: HA!) and flies home on the 15th. As I said, God only knows when my MIL is leaving - her friend leaves on the 19th, so the last few days could be hellish as she'll be on her own...
What else? Heavens, so much seems to have happened...
Still no money, despite my wonderful dad's help (so humiliating to still have to rely on him to bale me out - I know it's D's "fault" for not having any income, but still. I really do feel as if I'm a monumental failure), not much work on the horizon except unpaid marking for my students from last year, still stressed as hell.
But we're planning on going to Scotland for Christmas, and I've got my eye on another translation conference in Lisbon, except that it's in May this time and I'd only get back late afternoon on Mother's Day, so I'll have to think about this.
I'm sorry - this feels very disjointed and incoherent, but I just wanted to get a post up before anyone who does actually bother to read this just assumes I'm dead or something...
I hope you all (hope springs eternal) had a good summer and that the Rentrée brings you all a happy, healthy and prosperous year (and for me, too!).
lundi 13 juillet 2009
Back from the...err...busy!
Hey guys! I'm back!
Did you miss me?!
No, seriously, these last few weeks have been crazy. Totally crazy. As in, shitloads of work (that's nothing new, I know, but really, I have been working my arse off these last few weeks...), lots of school stuff (preparing the end-of-year school fête (yes, I know, I get myself roped into far too much, but I enjoyed it and the fête was fun, and the kids had fun, and their "shows" were fantastic and oh, it was a good day!), preparing, printing, folding and distributing the school newspaper, going with C's class on their end-of-year trip to Beaucaire (a great day out, but really, really hot, and utterly exhausting - 3 classes of roughly 25 kids each, 3 teachers, 6 parents...), end-of-year parties and get-togethers in a whole range of utterly fabulous houses (so, you guessed, not at our place)...), lots of domestic stuff - our car died in March, we finally took the plunge and bought a new one in June, but we can't really afford it and D and I almost came to blows about his desire to also rent a closed garage. We have ended up doing it, but money is now so tight we can hardly breathe... - and, of course, the girls have been on holiday since last week.
Ouf.
So life has been busy, and I've been busy, and everything still kind of feels the same. I'm totally overwhelmed (soooo much to do tomorrow: shopping for our holidays (we leave on Thursday for 2 weeks in a rental place we can't really afford), shopping for D's birthday (45 on Wednesday, but I can't do anything on Tuesday because it's the National Holiday here and everything will be shut), work, laundry, sorting, invoicing, printing, phoning, wrapping.... gaaaahhhhh), and more broke than ever.
People help me: how is it possible for me to work more hours than is reasonable, to earn a pretty reasonable amount of money, to live a pretty modest life and yet, and yet... STILL be virtually destitute? Almost no savings (nothing worth mentioning, anyway), no extravagances, no expensive anythings (clothes bought cheap on sale, own-brand foods, no eating out, no "outings", no gadgets...), and overdrafts in all our accounts...
D hasn't helped. He had a big translation to do, and he did it, but of course he delivered it late, and the guy he did it for said there were "problems" with his translation (possibly true in some instances, but not in all) and he was pissed off it was so late, so that means it's yet another client D won't be working for again. Which basically leaves him with 2 clients, both of whom are highly infrequent in their requests. I'm at my wits' end. I so desperately want to help, to encourage him, but I've done all I can, I really have. Now, all I want is for him to start bringing in some cash, preferably quite a decent amount, and REGULARLY.
I'm so tired of being essentially the only breadwinner in this family. I feel like everything depends on me - our home, our food, our clothes, our bills, our holidays, everything. And the pressure is killing me. I'm exhausted, stressed beyond belief, depressed and obsessed about money. I check my accounts online obsessively, I calculate who owes me what and when their invoice is due to be paid, I dread bills arriving. Money is my master, and it's pitifully in control.
I'm dying to go on holiday, have 3 and a half weeks of NO WORK, knowing that at least 2 clients are going to be sending me work in August. But I'll spend our whole two weeks away stressing about how much we're spending, not relaxing. And my week's holiday at home stressed about not getting anything done (no progress on the home improvement front), screeching at the girls and freaking out about money.
That said, I'm really, really hoping to do my thalassotherapy day at Hélianthal in St Jean de Luz... if you don't know it, go check it out - it's my idea of heaven!
Other than that, my little girls have made me so proud! C came joint top of her class with a score (in a national test) of 90%, her teacher really liked her, she had a fun year, I've been promised that she won't be in the same class as the Monster, A, and she's excited about next year already. As for L, she got a glowing report too, has made lots of friends, will be going into her last year of kindergarten and can already almost read (here in France, children aren't expected to learn to read until their first year of primary, so the fact that she's already almost there means she's essentially 18 months ahead of schedule) and C is teaching her joined up writing... She's in great shape, had a fun year and is also excited about next year.
They are such bright little things, and they're getting so big. I'm a terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient Maman to them, but I love them so much, I'm so proud of them, and I tell them so all the time. I just hope they can get past the terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient part and remember the fun times.
I'm sorry, this is really disjointed, with the longest sentences in history (and more brackets than is healthy), but I've been away a while, and there's a lot to say...
I hope you're all having a great summer!
I'll be away (as I've said) from the end of this week till the very beginning of August, but I won't be away from here for 2 months again, promise!
Did you miss me?!
No, seriously, these last few weeks have been crazy. Totally crazy. As in, shitloads of work (that's nothing new, I know, but really, I have been working my arse off these last few weeks...), lots of school stuff (preparing the end-of-year school fête (yes, I know, I get myself roped into far too much, but I enjoyed it and the fête was fun, and the kids had fun, and their "shows" were fantastic and oh, it was a good day!), preparing, printing, folding and distributing the school newspaper, going with C's class on their end-of-year trip to Beaucaire (a great day out, but really, really hot, and utterly exhausting - 3 classes of roughly 25 kids each, 3 teachers, 6 parents...), end-of-year parties and get-togethers in a whole range of utterly fabulous houses (so, you guessed, not at our place)...), lots of domestic stuff - our car died in March, we finally took the plunge and bought a new one in June, but we can't really afford it and D and I almost came to blows about his desire to also rent a closed garage. We have ended up doing it, but money is now so tight we can hardly breathe... - and, of course, the girls have been on holiday since last week.
Ouf.
So life has been busy, and I've been busy, and everything still kind of feels the same. I'm totally overwhelmed (soooo much to do tomorrow: shopping for our holidays (we leave on Thursday for 2 weeks in a rental place we can't really afford), shopping for D's birthday (45 on Wednesday, but I can't do anything on Tuesday because it's the National Holiday here and everything will be shut), work, laundry, sorting, invoicing, printing, phoning, wrapping.... gaaaahhhhh), and more broke than ever.
People help me: how is it possible for me to work more hours than is reasonable, to earn a pretty reasonable amount of money, to live a pretty modest life and yet, and yet... STILL be virtually destitute? Almost no savings (nothing worth mentioning, anyway), no extravagances, no expensive anythings (clothes bought cheap on sale, own-brand foods, no eating out, no "outings", no gadgets...), and overdrafts in all our accounts...
D hasn't helped. He had a big translation to do, and he did it, but of course he delivered it late, and the guy he did it for said there were "problems" with his translation (possibly true in some instances, but not in all) and he was pissed off it was so late, so that means it's yet another client D won't be working for again. Which basically leaves him with 2 clients, both of whom are highly infrequent in their requests. I'm at my wits' end. I so desperately want to help, to encourage him, but I've done all I can, I really have. Now, all I want is for him to start bringing in some cash, preferably quite a decent amount, and REGULARLY.
I'm so tired of being essentially the only breadwinner in this family. I feel like everything depends on me - our home, our food, our clothes, our bills, our holidays, everything. And the pressure is killing me. I'm exhausted, stressed beyond belief, depressed and obsessed about money. I check my accounts online obsessively, I calculate who owes me what and when their invoice is due to be paid, I dread bills arriving. Money is my master, and it's pitifully in control.
I'm dying to go on holiday, have 3 and a half weeks of NO WORK, knowing that at least 2 clients are going to be sending me work in August. But I'll spend our whole two weeks away stressing about how much we're spending, not relaxing. And my week's holiday at home stressed about not getting anything done (no progress on the home improvement front), screeching at the girls and freaking out about money.
That said, I'm really, really hoping to do my thalassotherapy day at Hélianthal in St Jean de Luz... if you don't know it, go check it out - it's my idea of heaven!
Other than that, my little girls have made me so proud! C came joint top of her class with a score (in a national test) of 90%, her teacher really liked her, she had a fun year, I've been promised that she won't be in the same class as the Monster, A, and she's excited about next year already. As for L, she got a glowing report too, has made lots of friends, will be going into her last year of kindergarten and can already almost read (here in France, children aren't expected to learn to read until their first year of primary, so the fact that she's already almost there means she's essentially 18 months ahead of schedule) and C is teaching her joined up writing... She's in great shape, had a fun year and is also excited about next year.
They are such bright little things, and they're getting so big. I'm a terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient Maman to them, but I love them so much, I'm so proud of them, and I tell them so all the time. I just hope they can get past the terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient part and remember the fun times.
I'm sorry, this is really disjointed, with the longest sentences in history (and more brackets than is healthy), but I've been away a while, and there's a lot to say...
I hope you're all having a great summer!
I'll be away (as I've said) from the end of this week till the very beginning of August, but I won't be away from here for 2 months again, promise!
dimanche 22 mars 2009
Bad to worse
Well, this has been a crappy year so far, hasn't it? OK, no one's died and we're not homeless (yet?), but in a minor, desperately middle-class kind of way, so far 2009 has sucked, big time.
After a money-worry-ridden January (with a pretty good February, I must admit) and the horrors of our houseguest (we went to see C's teacher - who called my sweet girl "a treasure" - and she said she would try and help C make other, more suitable, friends), we've now hit a long series of craptasticness:
The monster kid may have been responsible for making D's Mac stop working (she might not have been, but it helps me to blame her rather than just random bad luck ;-)) and it took him 5 days to get it back to standard. Then his laptop died (can't blame the kid for that, unfortunately) and it took him another 3 days to get that working again. So even if he had had work, he wouldn't have been able to do it. But of course he hasn't had any real work to do in weeks (months?), so it hardly matters.
Now my printer's more or less stopped working - the paper won't feed in, despite us twiddling with every bit of plastic in sight. So I can't print out my invoices, or at least, not easily.
The car almost blew up on Thursday night - D couldn't get it to turn off, there was smoke coming out of it, bla, bla, bla. A mechanic friend is coming to have a look at it on Monday and has said it could either be a minor problem or a really major problem (no, I'm not taking any bets). If it's the latter, it probably won't be worth getting it fixed given the fact that the car's 10 years old. So, we have no car. And are supposed to be going away for 6 days mid-April with my father. Crap, crap, crap. And a summer without a car here - 12 km from the beach but no public transport going that far - would be horrendous. Not to mention our planned (booked, but not of course fully paid for) holiday 600 km from here in July...
And then there's money. We have had to take out a huge loan (11,500 €) from the bank to pay off one of my debts, plus 6,000 € for roof repairs, plus my VAT bill and to put my private account back in the black. Obviously taking out another loan to pay for a new (second-hand) car seems improbable. My professional account is at death's door, even though I've been working like a fucking slave since God knows when. Lots of people owe me money, but none are paying, so I'll be overdrawn there too by next week. I can't work any more than I am already, and D doesn't seem to be making ANY progress on the "finding a way to earn some money" stakes. He's hopelessly overdrawn just about everywhere, has no work in view and doesn't seem to act on any of the advice he gets for finding any. I despair, I really do. And I loathe being the sole breadwinner in this house - the responsibility is eating me up inside.
Health - D's got some kind of stomach flu and me, I've got a weird nose problem - inside my right nostril really hurts and the whole tip of my nose has swollen and turned red, making me look like Bozo the Clown. And I still keep on sneezing, day and night, night and day.
Stuff to do - my accounts haven't been done for almost a year (gulp) so I have to do all that - which means finding bank statements, invoices, receipts, etc. from the various mountainous heaps of crap piled up everywhere - and fill in all my tax forms etc. by 20 April. Less than a month away. And I'm absolutely overwhelmed with work and have no time whatsoever to do it. And I'm really, really starting to freak out.
And finally, there' s money. Oh, did I already mention that? Oops. Must be kind of obsessing about it, I guess.
Holy guacamole. I sure hope this year gets better soon...
After a money-worry-ridden January (with a pretty good February, I must admit) and the horrors of our houseguest (we went to see C's teacher - who called my sweet girl "a treasure" - and she said she would try and help C make other, more suitable, friends), we've now hit a long series of craptasticness:
The monster kid may have been responsible for making D's Mac stop working (she might not have been, but it helps me to blame her rather than just random bad luck ;-)) and it took him 5 days to get it back to standard. Then his laptop died (can't blame the kid for that, unfortunately) and it took him another 3 days to get that working again. So even if he had had work, he wouldn't have been able to do it. But of course he hasn't had any real work to do in weeks (months?), so it hardly matters.
Now my printer's more or less stopped working - the paper won't feed in, despite us twiddling with every bit of plastic in sight. So I can't print out my invoices, or at least, not easily.
The car almost blew up on Thursday night - D couldn't get it to turn off, there was smoke coming out of it, bla, bla, bla. A mechanic friend is coming to have a look at it on Monday and has said it could either be a minor problem or a really major problem (no, I'm not taking any bets). If it's the latter, it probably won't be worth getting it fixed given the fact that the car's 10 years old. So, we have no car. And are supposed to be going away for 6 days mid-April with my father. Crap, crap, crap. And a summer without a car here - 12 km from the beach but no public transport going that far - would be horrendous. Not to mention our planned (booked, but not of course fully paid for) holiday 600 km from here in July...
And then there's money. We have had to take out a huge loan (11,500 €) from the bank to pay off one of my debts, plus 6,000 € for roof repairs, plus my VAT bill and to put my private account back in the black. Obviously taking out another loan to pay for a new (second-hand) car seems improbable. My professional account is at death's door, even though I've been working like a fucking slave since God knows when. Lots of people owe me money, but none are paying, so I'll be overdrawn there too by next week. I can't work any more than I am already, and D doesn't seem to be making ANY progress on the "finding a way to earn some money" stakes. He's hopelessly overdrawn just about everywhere, has no work in view and doesn't seem to act on any of the advice he gets for finding any. I despair, I really do. And I loathe being the sole breadwinner in this house - the responsibility is eating me up inside.
Health - D's got some kind of stomach flu and me, I've got a weird nose problem - inside my right nostril really hurts and the whole tip of my nose has swollen and turned red, making me look like Bozo the Clown. And I still keep on sneezing, day and night, night and day.
Stuff to do - my accounts haven't been done for almost a year (gulp) so I have to do all that - which means finding bank statements, invoices, receipts, etc. from the various mountainous heaps of crap piled up everywhere - and fill in all my tax forms etc. by 20 April. Less than a month away. And I'm absolutely overwhelmed with work and have no time whatsoever to do it. And I'm really, really starting to freak out.
And finally, there' s money. Oh, did I already mention that? Oops. Must be kind of obsessing about it, I guess.
Holy guacamole. I sure hope this year gets better soon...
mardi 4 novembre 2008
The other side
We are not rich people. I work like a slave and earn an OK amount of money, but really, nothing to write home about (I suspect my father would be very disappointed to see the state of my bank accounts). But we're OK. Our flat will (one day, I hope) be nice and tidy and presentable, we have a car, our daughters go to a private school (though here in France that's not really very expensive) and we've had several trips this year (London in February, Arles in April, Italy in August, D to England for work and me to Lisbon for work in October). We have a good life, and I'm pretty much satisfied with it (though healthier bank accounts would be nice, and not having to spend 6,000 Euros in January to get the roof fixed would help, too).
But today, we were invited to go and spend the afternoon with a schoolfriend of C's, 15 minutes out of Montpellier.
Well.
We are talking serious money.
Serious, serious money.
The house, people, you should have seen the house! And garden! And swimming pool! And furnishings! And the two big cars! And the amount of toys in A's room! And the souvenirs from all the wildly exotic places they've visited.
Wow.
Really, another world.
No, I'm not jealous (well, maybe just a little bit), because the style of the house and stuff really isn't my choice (quibbling, quibbling. Utterly pathetic.). But I am jealous of their security - I always feel like D and I are living on the edge - almost always overdrawn, no savings to speak of, living pretty much (comfortable) hand to (comfortable) mouth. It must be nice to have real money in the bank, to have a house worth 1.5 million Euros (7.5 times the value of ours!), to know you can do things without having to calculate whether or not you can afford it.
And I know we'll never have that security.
And I would so love to be able to give my lovely daughters the security they deserve.
It's on afternoons like this that I really do feel like some kind of serious failure.
Everyone always told me I had such potential (at school, at university), and I feel pretty sure that I haven't lived up to it at all.
Where did it all go wrong?
Or am I over-exaggerating?
Perhaps - because my little girls are bright, beautiful, kind, generous, fun-loving, intelligent and healthy. They have great potential, and I will do all I can to help them fulfill it.
But today, we were invited to go and spend the afternoon with a schoolfriend of C's, 15 minutes out of Montpellier.
Well.
We are talking serious money.
Serious, serious money.
The house, people, you should have seen the house! And garden! And swimming pool! And furnishings! And the two big cars! And the amount of toys in A's room! And the souvenirs from all the wildly exotic places they've visited.
Wow.
Really, another world.
No, I'm not jealous (well, maybe just a little bit), because the style of the house and stuff really isn't my choice (quibbling, quibbling. Utterly pathetic.). But I am jealous of their security - I always feel like D and I are living on the edge - almost always overdrawn, no savings to speak of, living pretty much (comfortable) hand to (comfortable) mouth. It must be nice to have real money in the bank, to have a house worth 1.5 million Euros (7.5 times the value of ours!), to know you can do things without having to calculate whether or not you can afford it.
And I know we'll never have that security.
And I would so love to be able to give my lovely daughters the security they deserve.
It's on afternoons like this that I really do feel like some kind of serious failure.
Everyone always told me I had such potential (at school, at university), and I feel pretty sure that I haven't lived up to it at all.
Where did it all go wrong?
Or am I over-exaggerating?
Perhaps - because my little girls are bright, beautiful, kind, generous, fun-loving, intelligent and healthy. They have great potential, and I will do all I can to help them fulfill it.
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