Hanging in

Nothing's really changed (except the weather, which is no longer summer but most definitely autumn), but I'm feeling a little less panicked. Possibly because of what my commenter said in my response to my last post (thank you!), possibly because a couple of clients have paid me and more are probably set to do so in the next few days, possibly because (as a result) one of my bank accounts is actually in the black, possibly because I just spent a shitload of money (that I don't really have) on our upcoming trip to Scotland for Christmas, possibly just because I seem to have come through the weird cold-flu-type thing I had for a few days (was it H1N1? Who knows. But I felt mildly crap and now feel better, so that's the main thing).

Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.

I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!

So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.

But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!

Back from the...err...busy!

Hey guys! I'm back!



Did you miss me?!



No, seriously, these last few weeks have been crazy. Totally crazy. As in, shitloads of work (that's nothing new, I know, but really, I have been working my arse off these last few weeks...), lots of school stuff (preparing the end-of-year school fête (yes, I know, I get myself roped into far too much, but I enjoyed it and the fête was fun, and the kids had fun, and their "shows" were fantastic and oh, it was a good day!), preparing, printing, folding and distributing the school newspaper, going with C's class on their end-of-year trip to Beaucaire (a great day out, but really, really hot, and utterly exhausting - 3 classes of roughly 25 kids each, 3 teachers, 6 parents...), end-of-year parties and get-togethers in a whole range of utterly fabulous houses (so, you guessed, not at our place)...), lots of domestic stuff - our car died in March, we finally took the plunge and bought a new one in June, but we can't really afford it and D and I almost came to blows about his desire to also rent a closed garage. We have ended up doing it, but money is now so tight we can hardly breathe... - and, of course, the girls have been on holiday since last week.



Ouf.



So life has been busy, and I've been busy, and everything still kind of feels the same. I'm totally overwhelmed (soooo much to do tomorrow: shopping for our holidays (we leave on Thursday for 2 weeks in a rental place we can't really afford), shopping for D's birthday (45 on Wednesday, but I can't do anything on Tuesday because it's the National Holiday here and everything will be shut), work, laundry, sorting, invoicing, printing, phoning, wrapping.... gaaaahhhhh), and more broke than ever.



People help me: how is it possible for me to work more hours than is reasonable, to earn a pretty reasonable amount of money, to live a pretty modest life and yet, and yet... STILL be virtually destitute? Almost no savings (nothing worth mentioning, anyway), no extravagances, no expensive anythings (clothes bought cheap on sale, own-brand foods, no eating out, no "outings", no gadgets...), and overdrafts in all our accounts...



D hasn't helped. He had a big translation to do, and he did it, but of course he delivered it late, and the guy he did it for said there were "problems" with his translation (possibly true in some instances, but not in all) and he was pissed off it was so late, so that means it's yet another client D won't be working for again. Which basically leaves him with 2 clients, both of whom are highly infrequent in their requests. I'm at my wits' end. I so desperately want to help, to encourage him, but I've done all I can, I really have. Now, all I want is for him to start bringing in some cash, preferably quite a decent amount, and REGULARLY.



I'm so tired of being essentially the only breadwinner in this family. I feel like everything depends on me - our home, our food, our clothes, our bills, our holidays, everything. And the pressure is killing me. I'm exhausted, stressed beyond belief, depressed and obsessed about money. I check my accounts online obsessively, I calculate who owes me what and when their invoice is due to be paid, I dread bills arriving. Money is my master, and it's pitifully in control.



I'm dying to go on holiday, have 3 and a half weeks of NO WORK, knowing that at least 2 clients are going to be sending me work in August. But I'll spend our whole two weeks away stressing about how much we're spending, not relaxing. And my week's holiday at home stressed about not getting anything done (no progress on the home improvement front), screeching at the girls and freaking out about money.



That said, I'm really, really hoping to do my thalassotherapy day at Hélianthal in St Jean de Luz... if you don't know it, go check it out - it's my idea of heaven!



Other than that, my little girls have made me so proud! C came joint top of her class with a score (in a national test) of 90%, her teacher really liked her, she had a fun year, I've been promised that she won't be in the same class as the Monster, A, and she's excited about next year already. As for L, she got a glowing report too, has made lots of friends, will be going into her last year of kindergarten and can already almost read (here in France, children aren't expected to learn to read until their first year of primary, so the fact that she's already almost there means she's essentially 18 months ahead of schedule) and C is teaching her joined up writing... She's in great shape, had a fun year and is also excited about next year.



They are such bright little things, and they're getting so big. I'm a terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient Maman to them, but I love them so much, I'm so proud of them, and I tell them so all the time. I just hope they can get past the terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient part and remember the fun times.



I'm sorry, this is really disjointed, with the longest sentences in history (and more brackets than is healthy), but I've been away a while, and there's a lot to say...



I hope you're all having a great summer!



I'll be away (as I've said) from the end of this week till the very beginning of August, but I won't be away from here for 2 months again, promise!

Back from the dead (no, England actually)

Yes, I know, we got back over a week ago. But this has been a busy week (and it's only going to get worse - of which more anon) and I really haven't had much free time for writing.

So, the holiday. Well, we had a fantastic time. It was SOOOOOO good to see my two best friends, first J in the south of England, where we stayed for 4 and a half days. C and L get on really well with her two kids, W and E (sweet E is my goddaughter, bless her cotton socks), we did quite a few things - a long walk one day, a trip to the local swimming pool another (where J and I quietly sat in the cafeteria while the two Daddies dealt with the kids: heaven!), down to visit HMS Warrior in Portsmouth on the third day and then lazing about on the last. Had a really good time, though it made me realise just how much I miss J on a day-to-day basis... I really don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to here in France...

Anyway.

Off up to the south of London on the Friday to spend the night with my other best friend, M. Had a lot of fun there, too, even if D and I didn't sleep all that well. In the evening, once the kids were in bed, we watched Mamma Mia! (which the two guys loathed but which M and I enjoyed), in the afternoon we went to Greenwich park and on the Saturday morning we met up with another friend from Uni, K, for coffee before catching our train.

And finally, that train took us up into London from where we caught another train down into Kent to spend the afternoon, evening, night and morning with my cousin. Now, I haven't seen this cousin in probably about 20 years (yes, we're a very close-knit family) so I was a bit apprehensive, but in the end it was great. His mother (my aunt, then) and sister (a cousin I haven't seen since I was 2!) and her husband came round for the evening, we had a lovely time, we were made to feel very welcome and it was all very heart-warming. I'm so glad we've caught up with each other at last - I wanted my aunt to meet her little sister's granddaughters, I wanted C and L to meet their family, I wanted to see them too, and I'm unutterably pleased that we did it.

My cousin drove us to Gatwick on the Sunday morning, we did a little shopping and then came home, tired but happy as they say.

Back to school and work last Monday and it was a truly hectic week.

And as for this week. Well.

First, I have a shitload of work to do - 40,000 words to translate for various dates through the month. Not an undo-able amount in and of itself, but a lot to have already booked up. I just have to pray that not too much else comes in between now and the end of the month!

Second - and this is the real humdinger - the parents of one of C's classmates are flying off on holiday tomorrow and don't get back till 12 March. So the kid is SPENDING 9 DAYS WITH US. Now, she's a nice kid, very open, very self-confident, very extroverted (everything my sweet C isn't). But she's also the weakest student in the class and since the beginning I've been worried about this most unlikely friendship. C has been very odd of late, crying for no (apparent) reason at all, very morose. But she won't say why. And I'm scared that A (the kid), who's almost a whole year older than C, is just too much. I'm sure C is impressed by her and that A likes having such an admiring audience all the time. She also probably likes having a friend who's so good at her lessons. But I don't want people to like my baby just because she's good at her lessons. And I don't want her to stop getting good marks because her friends don't and she wants to be like them.

As you can probably tell, I'm not wild about this friendship. So you can imagine how I feel about having the kid live with us for 9 days... She also apparently needs very little sleep (this, I feel, is doomed for failure given how much sleep C needs and how hideous she can be if she doesn't get it) and I know from experience that having three little girls in the house is usually a recipe for many tears. L will inevitably be left out (pushed aside by C, I suspect) but, when C and A have arguments (and they will, I'm willing to bet on it), A will turn to L and C will go into total meltdown.

I have to say I'm absolutely dreading the next 9 days. And D is equally ambivalent about the whole thing, despite the fact we had a minor spat about it this evening.

I'm so worried about C. Her school work does seem to be dropping a little - she seems content if she gets a better mark than her friend, but as A's marks are generally pretty low, that doesn't mean much. I don't want C to feel under A's thumb, I want her to be friends with other little girls, to develop confidence in herself. She knows she's clever, but, like me, has real self-confidence issues in other areas. She's breaking my heart right now, and seems so small again. My baby's 7 years old, but I haven't seen her this vulnerable since she was a little preemie...

My plan is to somehow go and see her teacher and have a talk with her, see what she thinks. See if she thinks it might be a good idea to split them up next year (I hate saying this - I know I don't really have the right to decide who my little girl is friends with, but it's so tempting to ask them to put them in different classes next year... that way they could stay friends, but wouldn't be as close... Oh, I feel so mean!).

So you get the picture. A hard week (9-day week) looming. And yes, of course, the flat is still a tip - in addition to all my work I have to do some serious cleaning, sheet-changing etc.

I wish I could just fast forward to this time on 12 March...

On a more positive note, we are going to Arles again in April, but with my father this time, so I'm looking forward to that, and I'm trying (no thanks to a crappy website) to book our first ever 2-week holiday for this summer near Saint Jean de Luz. Which looks fab too. Of course, we can't afford any of this (can't afford anything, to be honest - I haven't been this broke in ages. I do wish people would start paying me!), but I'm desperate for a holiday, even though we've only just come back from one...

Leavin' on a(n) (Easy)jet plane...

...But I do know when I'll be back again: next Sunday, late afternoon.

This promises to be a hectic week involving little sleep, but I'm also hoping it'll be kinda fun. We're staying with two of my best friends, one from tomorrow till Friday morning, the other just Friday night (very little room to sleep), and then our last night with a cousin I barely know.

Of course, it's still 2.30 am here and I've only just finished all the work I had to do before we leave, so of course I also haven't packed a single thing yet (though I've done loads of laundry!), but we don't have to be at the airport till 3 pm, so it should be OK.

And I've also booked a "gîte" for the 4 of us, plus my father, for the week after Easter in Arles (went there last year with my MIL and it was cool, except that she did bugger all to help out and that that really, really fucked me off).

Just have to start thinking about our summer holidays now...

And the minor, minor fact that I'm totally broke (yet again) is best ignored, I feel.

Oh, for those of you interested (?!), you'll be delighted to know that the flat is now once more a total tip. Maybe less cardboard boxes than before, but still a real mess. I despair.

See you in 9 days!

4.21 pm

Actually, by 4.15 I was home and dry (despite NOT being at home and it raining outside) because I took my MIL to the station. D's bad back has virtually crippled him which meant that I had to take my MIL, and I, unlike D and his mother, do not do things at the last minute. So we arrived at the station at 4 pm, giving my MIL time to buy the sandwich she didn't have time to make at our place (she also left behind the presents she got from the girls, plus some pictures they drew for her and no doubt a few other bits and pieces because OF COURSE she didn't PACK till the last minute) and I put her on the train not long after. By 4.15 I was free, sure and certain that she was ON the train and NOT going to miss it...

Oh, the relief!

To celebrate (and given that I had to be home by 5 to help D prepare for his first class as an English teacher), I went and had a Diet Coke at McDonald's because I REALLY KNOW HOW TO CELEBRATE. I am a WILD CHILD as you can see. This could also be why we have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING planned for New Year's Eve (for the second year in a row. PARTY ANIMALS, I tell you, PARTY ANIMALS. Even our 82-year-old neighbour is going out on the 31st...).

What I haven't mentioned is that my MIL and I had a small spat or two on the journey to the station, then again when she was already on the train. I swear, the woman is IMPOSSIBLE. But that's now irrelevant. She has gone home, we are back to ourselves once again, my stressometer is now free to redescend to its pre-Christmas level...

And I am SO GLAD we didn't go to Paris!

Maybe now I can enjoy the rest of the holidays - even if I have to do lots of work and won't really be on holiday again till Thursday.

And maybe I can finally stop boring you with tales of my MIL!