Back from the...err...busy!

Hey guys! I'm back!



Did you miss me?!



No, seriously, these last few weeks have been crazy. Totally crazy. As in, shitloads of work (that's nothing new, I know, but really, I have been working my arse off these last few weeks...), lots of school stuff (preparing the end-of-year school fête (yes, I know, I get myself roped into far too much, but I enjoyed it and the fête was fun, and the kids had fun, and their "shows" were fantastic and oh, it was a good day!), preparing, printing, folding and distributing the school newspaper, going with C's class on their end-of-year trip to Beaucaire (a great day out, but really, really hot, and utterly exhausting - 3 classes of roughly 25 kids each, 3 teachers, 6 parents...), end-of-year parties and get-togethers in a whole range of utterly fabulous houses (so, you guessed, not at our place)...), lots of domestic stuff - our car died in March, we finally took the plunge and bought a new one in June, but we can't really afford it and D and I almost came to blows about his desire to also rent a closed garage. We have ended up doing it, but money is now so tight we can hardly breathe... - and, of course, the girls have been on holiday since last week.



Ouf.



So life has been busy, and I've been busy, and everything still kind of feels the same. I'm totally overwhelmed (soooo much to do tomorrow: shopping for our holidays (we leave on Thursday for 2 weeks in a rental place we can't really afford), shopping for D's birthday (45 on Wednesday, but I can't do anything on Tuesday because it's the National Holiday here and everything will be shut), work, laundry, sorting, invoicing, printing, phoning, wrapping.... gaaaahhhhh), and more broke than ever.



People help me: how is it possible for me to work more hours than is reasonable, to earn a pretty reasonable amount of money, to live a pretty modest life and yet, and yet... STILL be virtually destitute? Almost no savings (nothing worth mentioning, anyway), no extravagances, no expensive anythings (clothes bought cheap on sale, own-brand foods, no eating out, no "outings", no gadgets...), and overdrafts in all our accounts...



D hasn't helped. He had a big translation to do, and he did it, but of course he delivered it late, and the guy he did it for said there were "problems" with his translation (possibly true in some instances, but not in all) and he was pissed off it was so late, so that means it's yet another client D won't be working for again. Which basically leaves him with 2 clients, both of whom are highly infrequent in their requests. I'm at my wits' end. I so desperately want to help, to encourage him, but I've done all I can, I really have. Now, all I want is for him to start bringing in some cash, preferably quite a decent amount, and REGULARLY.



I'm so tired of being essentially the only breadwinner in this family. I feel like everything depends on me - our home, our food, our clothes, our bills, our holidays, everything. And the pressure is killing me. I'm exhausted, stressed beyond belief, depressed and obsessed about money. I check my accounts online obsessively, I calculate who owes me what and when their invoice is due to be paid, I dread bills arriving. Money is my master, and it's pitifully in control.



I'm dying to go on holiday, have 3 and a half weeks of NO WORK, knowing that at least 2 clients are going to be sending me work in August. But I'll spend our whole two weeks away stressing about how much we're spending, not relaxing. And my week's holiday at home stressed about not getting anything done (no progress on the home improvement front), screeching at the girls and freaking out about money.



That said, I'm really, really hoping to do my thalassotherapy day at Hélianthal in St Jean de Luz... if you don't know it, go check it out - it's my idea of heaven!



Other than that, my little girls have made me so proud! C came joint top of her class with a score (in a national test) of 90%, her teacher really liked her, she had a fun year, I've been promised that she won't be in the same class as the Monster, A, and she's excited about next year already. As for L, she got a glowing report too, has made lots of friends, will be going into her last year of kindergarten and can already almost read (here in France, children aren't expected to learn to read until their first year of primary, so the fact that she's already almost there means she's essentially 18 months ahead of schedule) and C is teaching her joined up writing... She's in great shape, had a fun year and is also excited about next year.



They are such bright little things, and they're getting so big. I'm a terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient Maman to them, but I love them so much, I'm so proud of them, and I tell them so all the time. I just hope they can get past the terrible, mean, snarly, screechy, impatient part and remember the fun times.



I'm sorry, this is really disjointed, with the longest sentences in history (and more brackets than is healthy), but I've been away a while, and there's a lot to say...



I hope you're all having a great summer!



I'll be away (as I've said) from the end of this week till the very beginning of August, but I won't be away from here for 2 months again, promise!

Middle age

I turned 40 today. I can hardly believe it, actually. It seems so unbelievably old, yet I really don't feel particularly old (well, not all the time, anyway).

That said, I was much more miserable the day I turned 30. My life was a mess back then, and I was sure that it wasn't going to get any better (and, with regard the pretty immediate future, I was right).

When I turned 30, my "career" was doing OK, and we were on the brink of moving from a large city in central France down here to the south coast to what turned out to be a pretty grotty and nasty flat - our first owned home.

But we'd been trying to have a baby for over 18 months without any success and despite a whole battery of tests and exams and treatments. I was feeling really low and despondent, and totally sure it would never work. I wanted a baby more than anything, and not being a mother at 30 struck me as real failure.

In the end, I did fall pregnant, exactly 9 months later. But that all went horribly, horribly wrong (but that's another story). The last 3 months of being 30 were great (that's when I was pregnant and oh, so happy), but the first 9 were heart-breaking.

In comparison, turning 40 is a piece of cake. My career isn't really any further forward, but I'm pretty satisfied with it. We live in a much nicer flat in a much nicer part of the city. And we have two beautiful, bright, affectionate, funny, lovable little girls.

And I feel blessed.

I had a good day (nothing special, mainly because I got up so late) and was once again spoiled with lovely gifts and I even started on my "improvement" programme - I washed my hair, painted my nails (very discreet, pale pink), took some pills (skin preparation, fat burning, energy enhancing, allergy reducing) and am about to go to bed around 2 hours earlier than usual. And I also intend to get up tomorrow morning and actually work during the day and go out in the afternoon.

One of the cards I got today gave the old cliché, "Life begins at 40". And maybe, just maybe, it's true.

On the verge...

...of a new decade.

Technically, it's going to be my birthday in precisely one minute (oops, no, the clock on my computer's just changed... Happy Birthday to me!), though in real terms the "main event" was actually today.

D tried to organise a surprise "party", and succeeded up to a point, except that today is Sunday (which means that just about everything's shut here in France) so he had to admit yesterday that a couple of friends and their son would be coming to lunch. Which was true. But what he did manage to keep secret was the various other friends and neighbours who popped in in the course of the afternoon.

I was thoroughly spoiled (two (very different) bouquets of flowers, a plant, a little bag, a wooden cat, a pair of pearl earrings), D. put together a lovely lunch and bought a fabulous cake, the girls had fun (even though they had to go to another party half way through) and I was delighted to have so many people come to wish me well for my birthday. I feel very lucky!

Of course, I'm pretty behind in my challenge, but just in case you've all been losing sleep, here are the last 4 anyway:
Day 37: Very boringly, sort out my (hundreds) of credit card receipts.
Day 38: Put our crockery and cutlery in order (so many different sets, all free gifts from mail order catalogues, some nice, some not...).
Day 39: Take more photos, document our life a little more, a little better. For the girls' future.
Day 40: Try and enjoy myself more, let myself go a little, go out, have fun, see friends, go to the cinema. Live my life!

That's it for now, but I'll try and be back later today with more thoughts on turning 40, leaving my 30s behind and what have you.

Yikes

16 days behind! Holy crap.

On the plus side, I have tidied my desk and quite a lot of my papers, I haven't eaten very much crap food out and about on my own (just once or twice, not bad in over a month) and I've remembered birthdays and stuff.

But I still get the feeling this challenge is, overall, a FAIL.

Plus, I turn 40 on MONDAY. That's 5 days, people. And I'm feeling OOOOOLLLLDDDDD.

But to catch up a little:
Day 21: tidy the bathroom.
Day 22: tidy the kitchen and get it sorted once and for all.
Day 23: try and stop moaning and complaining quite so much.
Day 24: try and tell my daughters sometime soon about their big sister and how important she is to me.
Day 25: try and make real, meaningful contact with C's schoolfriends' parents so she can have some chance of seeing them during the holidays. We've pretty much got it sussed for L, but for C it's proving much harder.
Day 26: organise a good summer holiday for the girls - rest time, activities, outings, friends...
Day 27: start wearing more jewellery and perhaps a little make-up (or am I going too far?!).
Day 28: make sure that I go to one professional conference or some such thing every year, just to get me some real "me time", like when I went to Lisbon last October.
Day 29: write down my memories as a souvenir for the girls - I have little close family, few photos, so I'll need to get things down in writing if they're to have any idea about my childhood, my family.
Day 30: try and put my creative urges to use, usefully (that's nice and vague, isn't it?!). I know I have it in me to "do" things, I just have to find that special thing...
Day 31: really start listening to music again (D can't work with music playing and I can't put music on when I work at night in case it wakes L up), as there must be times when I can start going through my CD collection again, instead of always listening to the same four or five (Madonna's "Confessions", U2 greatest hits, Neil Diamond (no, I'm not embarrassed AT ALL), Eric Satie and Lloyd Cole and the Commotions "Rattlesnake").
Day 32: book myself on to some kind of "sport" class (to replace my tai chi, so nothing too demanding, obviously).
Day 33: maybe even (very discreetly) take up driving again (now that I've found my driver's licence, lost since Feb 2006) and really surprise D, assuming we ever have a car that works again.
Day 34: go to the fabulous art museum here more often - I have a yearly subscription which is only valid if I go at least 5 times. I got my renewal today and have been once, so I now have 12 months for at least 4 visits. That should be doable, even by me...
Day 35: read at least one book in French every month (probably haven't read French lit since I tried Zola again way back in '99...).
Day 36: try and write on my blog more often (hmmmm...).

I feel like I'm setting myself an impossibly daunting challenge, but deep down, I know I could be happier, less frustrated, if I actually stuck to this.

To be fair, I haven't been doing so badly, and I've failed in less than I thought. But that said, I haven't lost a gram in weight, haven't had my hair cut, haven't been to bed before 4 am this week (and it's already 2 am as I type this)...

I'm trying. I really am. And I do so want to get stuff done. The office part of our main room is looking better because I have done a lot of work (even if it's far from finished) and it is, as a consequence, nicer to live in.

I'm hoping to build on this, continue the good work, keep going and make 40 the year I change into a grown-up, a real one, not just someone pretending.

Only 5 days to go, guys!

My baby

Yeah, so I've been really crap about posting and keeping up to date regarding my challenge.

BUT.

My baby girl. My little baby girl, my little rabbit, my littlest Smurflet... She turned 5 today and is now suddenly all grown up.

I'm absolutely not getting broody for another baby, I swear.

But still. My baby. Is 5. I've even been bumped up to the "Big Kid newsletter" from Baby Center.

I think we celebrated L's 5th birthday pretty well. Yeah, OK, Sunday was the only day it has rained (poured even!) in the last 2 weeks, so our plans to have fun at a nice park we know went (quite literally) down the (flood) drains.

Which meant a MAJOR tidy up at our place (haven't seen the place look this good since before we moved in 3 years ago!).

But in other ways it was quite practical having to do the party at home - no transportation problems (still don't have a car and the person who offered to help out had to pull out the day before because her little girl was too ill to come to the party), easier to coordinate, etc.

There were 16 kids in total (11 girls, 5 boys), and, compared to C's wild 7th birthday party in January (with only 9 girls), this one was a breeze. The kids were well behaved, seemed to have a lot of fun yet remained reasonably calm and collected, they nearly all ate their cake, those that asked for strawberries ate them very nicely, there was very little crying, no major accidents... IT WAS A GOOD PARTY!

And L got given such beautiful presents! She's such a lucky little girl, she really is!

Then, today (her actual birthday), she got a small present from us this morning, then, for the first time ever, we picked her and C up from school at 11.45 along with 2 friends (one for each, but sisters) who couldn't come yesterday and had a little lunch party, with L's favourite food (roast chicken, sauté potatoes, green beans, then strawberries). Back at school in the afternoon, there was cake and juice and candles and singing, and then, finally, after school, we came home, opened her presents from us (she LOVES her Tinkerbell computer!), C, Papy, my dear friend M and my cousins, had a nice dinner and yet another cake with candles.

And as the weather was fabulous (of course), she even got to wear her beloved pretty dress.

I'm waaaay behind with my work (not only have I had multiple birthday preparations to take care of, but I'm also up to my eyeballs in the school newspaper and have just got myself involved in the organisation team for the school end of year fête) and haven't done much about my Challenge (but, alternatively, haven't had much time to break it either, as a result, unless you count a much-needed Egg McMuffin on Saturday morning).

However, I haven't abandoned it altogether, especially as today is exactly 3 weeks till my birthday.

So.

Day 16: I'm going to get some nice pictures (we have quite a few) up on the walls at last.
Day 17: I also want to try and get the girls' room decorated once and for all - though almost certainly not before my birthday, this will probably have to be during the summer.
Day 18: I want to try and read some less trashy books, less gory books.
Day 19: I want to get all the remaining kit furniture put together and put to use...
Day 20: ...Following on from Day 19, I want to sort out the CD collection for the "new" CD shelf so we can actually find stuff at last.

Now, it's 12.36 am, my head is aching, I feel strangely sick (possibly overdosed in sweetness from the 5 cakes I've made since Saturday night, even though I've actually eaten very little of it) and I'm aching to go to bed for a week. But there's not much chance of that: have a text to finish tonight, have to prepare the girls' stuff for tomorrow, have to take them to school tomorrow and then spend most of the day printing, folding, assembling and delivering the school newspaper an then most of the evening working like a slave.

Oh, and my tax forms still aren't done and sent out because the extranet link doesn't work.

Could I be any more tired? Really, could I?

Fail

Yup, I failed. Didn't get to bed till 2.45 am, ate bonbons all morning (and made myself feel sick), got pretty much fuck all done today.

Total funk.

BUT. Did mention my heart's desire-for-a-birthday-present to D (a day at a spa place near where we'll be on holiday this summer), did get most of my tax forms done (not the main one, of course, but the smaller, easier ones. Plus the on-line declaration thing only doesn't work for me, so I'm pretty much fucked there too) and did do some work on the school newspaper (nearly printing time if I'm not mistaken), so not a total waste of time. Oh, and despite little sleep (in bed at 2.45, up at 7.30) I didn't go back to bed. What a hero.

And D started looking into cars (depressing business, but absolutely vital), and he's actually got some work to do, and the weather forecast no longer mentions storms and thunder, just rain, so maybe, just maybe, it'll all fizzle out and at least be dry for the party on Sunday, and bought L's main present - a Tinkerbell "computer" that she's been aching for since last year.

Still have a shitload of stuff to do, though.

And I'm totally motivationless at the moment. Can't be arsed to do anything. Feel fat and ugly, tired and dissatisfied, depressed and worried about money. Not to mention OLD.

With my MIL starting to get really nasty (last week, she and D had another row and she claimed that my father and I are a bad influence on him, that we're stifling his natural character and trying to transform him into "one of us" (which makes us sound like aliens when obviously we're not. Beep. Beep.) bla, bla, bla). All I can say is that I really hope I don't pick up the phone to her any time soon because I might just let rip - this woman is POISON and I've been too polite for too long. I feel that the time has come to get nasty right back.

Maybe this is the New Me - more candid, less conciliatory, more enflamed. More passionate, perhaps.

Anyway.

Day 16: I'm going to sort through all my clothes - four different piles: still wear, throw away, give away, keep but don't wear. And that last pile will go in plastic IKEA boxes down in the cellar. And then I'll really tidy up my wardrobe and drawers, so that I can find stuff when I want it and so that I can actually hang stuff up in the wardrobe. To be honest, I'm kind of embarrassed that I even have to write stuff like this - my guess is that to most people this is a total no-brainer. But mess is one of my middle names, and lazy is the other, so the result is heaps of stuff, badly folded, stuffed in drawers and on shelves, totally unfindable.

And please, keep praying that it won't rain on Sunday!

100

Can you believe this is my 100th post? I feel like I should be doing something special, but can't think of anything special to do... Maybe I'll come back to this and celebrate a random number when I've come up with something...

Anyway.

Our short week in Arles was nice, my father's visit was nice (C and L had such fun playing with him!), I'm still stressed and freaked about my tax forms (stuff still not found, the on-line declaration thingy isn't working, e-mails for assistance are unanswered...), I have a shitload of stuff to do for L's upcoming (SUNDAY - gah) 5th birthday party (not to mention we're supposedly holding it at a park and Sunday is the only day this week with THUNDER promised and the park is about 20 minutes from our place and we still don't have a car and our flat is small and I really, really don't feel like entertaining 15 kids (15!) here on Sunday and maybe I should use some punctuation once in a while too), and well, you know.

No car. Such a bummer.

No money, even worse.

And my Challenge? Well, I'm pretty behind in my "40 things before I'm 40", but other than that, and apart from 2 packets (30 g each) of crisps, I've done pretty well. Haven't bought any clothes at all, haven't eaten crappy food, my desk is sort of tidy (though my paperwork is still a total disaster), I've been looking after my skin and I remembered to send a birthday card to a friend from years ago. I feel quite proud of myself.

That said, I have an awful lot of challenges to find (I'm on Day 15 and only have 5 down in print so far)...

Here we go:
Day 6: I'm going to get my hair cut in an attempt to make me feel better about the way I look (it'll take more than that, believe me, but it'll be a start)
Day 7: I'm going to keep my nails pretty this summer (polished, yes, but redone when needed, not just waiting till all the varnish has chipped off)
Day 8: I'm going to get myself a check-up - if nothing else to deal with all the god-awful sneezing
Day 9: I'm going to get my "memory box" up and running. Unsurprisingly (stationery freak that I am), I've already bought the box itself, now I just have to get my memories together and put them in... And, being a total packrat, I suspect I might need more than one box...
Day 10: I'm going to order some stuff from a catalogue (no, not clothes - "beauty products" ha! ha!) so that I can get their free gift - an exercise strap thing, and I'm going to try and use it regularly
Day 11: I have to find a way to drop hints for D (and not too subtle hints at that) as what I want for my birthday (a spa day when we're on holiday near Biarritz in July)
Day 12: I really want to sort out all our book shelves - there's no order at all, so books (given that we must have over 1,000) are almost impossible to find, and I want to put them by type of book, not in alphabetical order
Day 13: I want to get my photos sorted out, too, and put the decent paper versions in nice albums to show the girls as they get older
Day 14: I'm going to try to stop sleeping during the day (which basically means not going to bed after, say, 1 am - tonight is going to be tough, it's already 12.50 am and I haven't had my shower yet...)
and finally
Day 15: I'm really going to try and do my accounts at least quarterly (instead of waiting till one month before tax declaration day and then having to do one year's accounts in one sitting).

Wow, I'm going to be such a changed person!

So, have to go and have my shower really quickly (I've also promised to take the girls to school tomorrow, so I've got to be up and dressed by 8.20 anyway) so I can be in bed not too much after 1 am...

And 100 posts. Wow. I'm impressed with myself!