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dimanche 20 février 2011

Another great meme - all about MEEEEEEE

Yet another great meme from Avitable (where does he get them from?), and you all know I can't resist a good meme...

1. Do you have any scars? If so, pick one and explain how you got it.
I have a small scar on the palm of my left hand, kind of near my wrist, from when an A1 bitch at school decided to see what a stapler would do to skin - I was a total wimp and didn't fight her off nearly as much as I should have done and ended up with a staple in my hand. Hurt like hell for a little while, pissed blood like something from a horror film but of course wasn't at all serious. Nice, staple-sized scar though.
2. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Apart from dust, you mean? Right now, just a framed poem from my daughters to my ex for father's day. I'm hoping, one day, to get something I like up on the walls, but I'm pretty pathologically lazy so it's taking time...
3. Do you snore, grind your teeth, or talk in your sleep?
Not that I'm aware of, but who would know? I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid, but don't do that any more (and haven't for years, in fact).
4. What type of music do you listen to?
I'm pretty eclectic - sometimes it can be classical music (though never opera, can't stand it), or 1980s New Wave, or indie rock or modern pop... This last week, I've listened to Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, the Lost Boys sound track, Glee, Lady Antebellum, Madonna and the Smashing Pumpkins...
5. What time were you born?
From what I've been told, 6.30 am or thereabouts
6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Some TLC with a sexy man wouldn't go amiss. Failing that, an end to my allergy-related blocked up nose would be less sexy but pretty good too
7. What do you miss?
Being loved
8. What is/are your most prized possession(s)?
I love my books and souvenirs, and I'd be devastated to lose my photos
9. How tall are you?
About 5'8'' last time I checked
10. Do you get claustrophobic?
Not in the classic sense - my head is claustrophobic in those horrid rubbery swimming caps you have to wear in all swimming pools (here in France, anyway), otherwise, no
11. Do you get scared in the dark?
12. Who was the last person to make you cry?
A tough one as I'm pretty "à fleur de peau" right now and just about anything can make me cry; the last person was probably myself, in one of my woe-is-me moments that tend to happen late at night
13. What’s your worst fear?
That I end up spending the rest of my life alone
14. What kind of hair/eye color do you like on people who you’re attracted to?
When I was a young girl, I thought I was attracted to blond men with blue eyes, but in reality, when I look at the actors/musicians etc. I find sexy, they actually tend to have dark hair and either dark eyes or blue eyes (Johnny Depp, Pat Monahan, Montgomery Clift...)
15. Where can you see yourself proposing?
I can't ever imagine myself proposing to anyone - I'm 41 and have never had anyone ask me to marry them, I'm single (and possibly terminally so) and terribly shy and socially awkward, so me jumping in and popping the question just seems unrealistic doesn't it?
16. Do you like coffee or energy drinks?
I've never had an energy drink, and I can only drink very weak, milky coffee (I never order coffee when I'm out here - French coffee is so bitter it makes me wince just thinking about it), and rarely drink that. I prefer tea. Oh, and copious amounts of Diet Coke (is that an energy drink? It peps me up...)
17. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Ham and pineapple because it's a) hard to find here and b) the one most people hate so I don't have to share HA!
18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Well, now that you've mentioned pizza, I could quite fancy one of the those. Otherwise, some lasagna would be nice (it's lunchtime here and I haven't even had breakfast yet)
19. What is your favorite color?
Yellow, and purple, often together
20. Have you ever eaten a goldfish?
Why on earth would I ever have done that?
21. What was the first meaningful gift you’ve ever received?
My ex gave me a kitten back in 1997 and that was the best present I've ever received, though I'm not sure it was meaningful
22. Do you have a crush?
I have adolescent-type crushes on actors and musicians, none on people I actually know
23. Are you double jointed?
I very much doubt it. I was a seriously unathletic kid and do little exercise (apart from endless walking to and from work/school/town) now
24. What is your favorite clothing brand?
For myself, I tend to buy reasonably priced mail order stuff from La Redoute; for my daughters, I love Boden stuff
25. Who is your favorite female/male celebrity?
Favourite female celebrity? Hmm Probably Helena Bonham-Carter because she's naturally whacky, not just trying to be clever like Lady Gaga. HBC is also a wonderful actress, a very beautiful woman. Male celebrity? Well, for the last few months my crush has been on the delicious Pat Monahan, and there's no sign of it fading so far...
26. Do you have a pet right now?
27. What kind is it?
He's a rather chunky, very fluffy, vastly intelligent, deeply sensitive, totally adorable cat called Tom, the love of my life
28. Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving?
I don't think you can rationalise love like that. Either you fall in love or you don't; if the person's leaving, that's hard, but there's not much you can do about it
30. Say a number from 1 to 100?
31. Blondes or brunettes?
32. What is your favorite quote?
"Un homme seul est en mauvaise compagnie" Paul Valéry, a French poet from the region I live in (translates as "a man alone is in bad company")
33. What is your favorite place?
On a mundane level, my bed - I love being in bed, all my worries seem to fade. In a more geographical sense, I've always had a good time in Italy (been 3 times - Florence, Rome, Siena, Venice, Turin, Bergamo, Lake Como) and Lake Como is the most beautiful place I've ever been I think.

mercredi 16 février 2011

Gotta get a grip

It's just turned 6 am and I haven't been to bed yet (and won't be able to till tonight). I'm not bragging about this because I just spent a wild night partying with the Beautiful People (I didn't), in fact I'm pretty ashamed of my stupidity. It's just that as soon as night falls (and the Munchkins are in bed - usually hideously late as I suspect they're night owls at heart like I am) I get a second wind. I start surfing, Tweeting, Facebooking, YouTubing (and, more often than not, working) and suddenly I realise dawn is breaking, or the cat's demanding food and yup, another night has passed.

I suspect it has something to do with loneliness. At the risk of boring you "all" to death once again with lyrics by Train (I'm sorry, Pat Monahan just seems to write what I'm feeling...), this captures it perfectly: "The days are better, the nights are still so lonely... sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road". I miss having a man about the house, I miss being held in someone's arms, I miss being allowed to not be strong and in control all the time, I miss being loved by someone other than my daughters.

Don't get me wrong, the love of my daughters means the world to me, and I love them more than anything. But I'm not talking about that kind of love. I'm talking about the romance kind of love.

St Valentine's Day has been and gone and didn't actually depress me half as much as I thought it would. It was OK, even. I even got a virtual card - from the delightful Avitable who very kindly agreed to be my virtual Valentine. The card was no doubt sent out to hundreds of his fans, but it cheered me up no end and brought a smile to my face. It's not love, but it was love-ly all the same.

But the fact remains, I miss being in a couple. 14 years with one person is a long time by anyone's standards, and finding yourself alone after that is tough. So yeah, I'm not too proud to admit that I'm lonely as hell and would love to have a man in my life again.

The big problem of course is how to accomplish this. I have no social life to speak of (I've been "out" two Saturday nights in a row - once to dinner with parents from school: 3 couples and me; once with my daughters to a pirate-themed restaurant where the waiter flirted with me mildly because I suspect he felt sorry for me, sitting alone while the girls disappeared into the play area), I work from home or in the language department (with mainly female colleagues) of the universities, I rarely leave the house. How am I supposed to meet the man of my dreams like this?

The solution has therefore been to create a full fantasy world in my head. I'm not going to write the details here, they're way to personal and private, but believe me, it's a world where I am loved by a man, and that man doesn't suspect me of heinous crimes, doesn't slap me, doesn't distrust me in everything I do. An ideal world, almost certainly, but the best I can do for now.

I'm getting kind of addicted to FaceBook and Twitter - my access to the "world". On Twitter, I feel like I'm making "friends" with people I don't really know, but with whom I can sense an affinity of sorts. I've caught up with friends from my youth on FB and have re-established contact. It feels good, it makes me feel in touch with a life outside of my own. I've also made contact with musicians I like, bloggers I like, etc. We communicate, a little, not often, just enough.

But the void remains in my life, my "real" life. I'd like to think that one day this virtual man will become real too, but I know I mustn't raise my hopes as the wait is likely to be a long one.

Till then, I'll continue getting by, living in my fantasy world, my Internet world and my lonely real world.

samedi 12 février 2011

Film meme

I got this meme from Avitable and, like him, have no intention of writing 31 different (daily!) posts on this - I'd be sure to forget a day and that would really piss off my possibly OCD self.

So here goes:

Day #1: Favorite Movie – Grease
Day #2: Least Favorite Movie – a tie between The Hole, Requiem for a Dream and American Psycho
Day #3: Favorite Comedy – The Full Monty
Day #4: Favorite Adventure – Jurassic Park
Day #5: Favorite Horror – Psycho
Day #6: Favorite Suspense/Thriller – Memento
Day #7: Favorite Animated Movie – Madagascar
Day #8: Favorite Guilty Pleasure – The Jazz singer (love me some Neil Diamond...)
Day #9: A Movie You Never Expected To Love – Breaking the Waves (heartbreaking)
Day #10: Biggest Let-Down – The Beach (the book was sooooo much better)
Day #11: First Movie You Saw In Theaters – Bambi (I think)
Day #12: The Last Movie You Saw In Theaters – Hereafter
Day #13: Favorite Documentary – none that I can think of
Day #14: Favorite Satire – The Life of Brian (does this count as a satire?)
Day #15: A Movie With Your Favorite Actor – Don Juan di Marco (Johnny Depp)
Day #16: Favorite Movie Based On A Book – One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (great film, but the book is even better)
Day #17: Favorite Movie With An Actor You Hate – Stalingrad (Jude Law - aarrrggh)
Day #18: Movie You Can Watch On Loop – Hairspray (the John Travolta/Christopher Walken version)
Day #19: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Event – Sommersby
Day #20: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Figure – A Man for All Seasons (old film, but a great one)
Day #21: Favorite Musical – Moulin Rouge (I would say Grease again, but I'm striving for variety!)
Day #22: Most Over-Rated Movie – Amélie (bugs the shit out of me, even though everyone else seems to love it)
Day #23: Most Under-Rated Movie – The Singer not the Song (Dirk Bogard at his finest)
Day #24: Movie With Best Soundtrack – Good Morning, England (excellent, excellent music all the way through - and a great film to boot)
Day #25: Favorite Black and White Movie – Casablanca
Day #26: Cheesiest Horror Movie – The Lost Boys (reminds me of my student days!)
Day #27: Favorite Oscar-Winning Movie – American Beauty
Day #28: Favorite Made-For-Television Movie – can't think of any
Day #29: Favorite Movie Based On A Television Series – can't think of one of these, either
Day #30: Favorite Re-Make – Hairspray
Day #31: Favorite Sequel – Ice Age 2

This is remarkably hard to do, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give the same answers twice (not for all of these, anyway - though Grease would still be my favourite film!). But it really made me think...

mercredi 9 février 2011

OMG A new post at last!

OK, OK, it's now 9 Feb and this is my first post of 2011... Total fail, I know. But well. Nothing much to write, except more of the same (you know, bla, bla, lonely, bla, bla, miserable, bla, bla, fighting with my daughters, bla, bla, too much work...). So what's the point?

Well, the point is... errr... there's no point. This is my blog, I don't need to have a point. I can just write here, say what I want and not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks (especially as virtually no one reads this shit anyway).

Winter has been pretty kind to this part of the world. There have been a few cold days, but more mild ones; a few rainy days, but waaaaay more sunny ones; and, of course, no snow days at all. Yet. I can't help long for the warm sun of spring and summer; I can't wait to start planning the summer holiday (I can't do it yet as friends are coming and I need to know their dates first). One thing is sure - no BlogHer in San Diego for me, I simply can't afford it. Maybe next year (in the hope BlogHer 2012 might be on the east coast rather than California). But I am hoping to take the girls to Italy, maybe via a friend near Marseille...

I'm also planning to turn my life around. I know I've said this before, and virtually nothing has come of it, but the process has started - I've started the big "tidy up", you just can't tell yet. I've been forced to do my accounts for 2010, so for once I'm up to date before tax season starts (this is a first); I'm going to get all my teaching materials sorted out, finish tidying the kitchen (which is already pretty good), do my room... I'd like to move furniture around, make the place FEEL different. I want to change the locks on the front door as D still has a set of keys and I don't like that ONE BIT. I want to paint walls, put up curtains, soften the lighting... CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE. I want to get a real haircut (not just a trim), I want to get a proper dinner service (even if it's just an IKEA one)...

This is all random and unstructured, but it's 4.30 am, I'm exhausted, drowning in texts to translate and totally incapable (still) of going to bed at a decent time.


I'm trying my hardest to make 2011 a better year than 2010, but it's hard, and isn't working so far (lots of tears - lots of songs make me cry, and the imminent St Valentine's day isn't helping), but I intend to persist. I'm going to make it happier - somehow.

But I can't help wishing, deep down inside, that there was a man who could love me, help me, comfort me, share jokes and chocolate with me, make me feel special. The frightening part is that it's unlikely that that will ever happen - and I'm really struggling to accept it.