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vendredi 3 avril 2015

And so, suddenly, it's 3 months later

I make all these wild, unrealistic promises to myself that I'll keep my blog more up to date but of course I never do. I just don't seem to be able to get my act together which pretty much sums up most aspects of my life, I must say...

So. How is 2015 shaping up? I hear (none of) you ask. Wellllll...

I guess it's been (so far) an improvement of the past few years, but that doesn't mean that things are going well. Just not (quite) so hideously.

D and I are barely speaking because his rampant paranoia has once again cranked up a notch and, even though I know I should be more tolerant of someone so clearly mentally unstable, I cannot help but get totally riled and upset and tearful. I'll spare you the details, but he made me so angry yesterday that I could barely contain myself. And we haven't exchanged a (spoken) word since. Just a couple of angry (from me) and snarky (from him) text messages.

My finances are apparently OK, but there are huge potential debts lurking, waiting to pounce: the retirement agency (CIPAV, to name names) have pretty much ignored me for 2 years, meaning I haven't paid them a cent in as long. I've told this to URSSAF, who are technically responsible for passing on all income details to the health and retirement agencies, and whilst the former (health) contact me and extract money out of me, the latter do not and I can't help but feel that a HUGE bill is going to come tumbling through the door sometime soon, and then, I will once again, be horribly in debt.

The cats are fine - Smoky turns 1 in two days, and is as cute as a button but not, apparently, the brightest cat in the world. He gets up to a fair amount of mischief, will eat almost literally anything and needs to be picked up and cuddled very, very regularly. Zorro is now about 18 months and remains totally anti-social, utterly terrified of every human he encounters and as un-pet-like as you can imagine.

My relationship with Y is still going strong, despite C's continued bitchiness and stropiness. He and I get on well, understand each other, enjoy each other's company. I still have the aching feeling that it's all going to come to an end one day - the day he decides he wants children of his own (if mine haven't put him off kids for life...). I guess I should just take this all one day at a time...

And then there are the girls. Oh boy. I see L. a lot - pretty much every day, even though she rarely sleeps here. I pick her up from school every day, she's here every Wednesday from lunchtime on, and I usually see her a little at the weekends. I rarely, however, see C. and Dr H. believes that she's still "punishing" me for all the time I spent in the nut house - she felt that I'd abandoned her and now she's making me pay. We don't fight or anything, but conversation is awkward, stilted, difficult. She's been very unhappy at school this year (the kids in her class are mainly pretty horrible, she has few friends, she's often been excluded) and my heart aches for her. I just don't seem to be able to reach her. She's 13 now and has "things to do" at weekends, she goes back to D's place after school and I basically only ever see her on Wednesday afternoons.

That said, we're going to England for a week this month (17-25 April, I can hardly wait!) and I'm hoping that will bring us back together again a little. I'm also planning to take them on holiday in the summer - either Madrid or Rome, we'll see - and that should be good.

I don't know. When I write it all out like this, it seems like I'm doing fine. My problems don't seem to be any more overwhelming than those faced by everyone else. But inside, I know I'm struggling, I'm finding it hard to get things done, I feel like I'm losing control, little by little. I try, I really do, to keep on top of things, but I still always feel overwhelmed, "dépassée par les événements" so to speak. I'm scared of losing it altogether, scared of ending back there (you know where). Pfffff

Anyway. There you have it. I HAVE been trying to get out more, even though I haven't really succeeded. I went to a Galette des Rois party in January organised by a group of English-speaking women here in the region. I also attend coffee mornings organised by (some of) the same group and last night I even went to one of their "Girls' Night Outs". I never really regret going, I just find it hard to commit myself to going in the first place... But yes, I AM trying, I really am!

I seem to remember that April is the A-Z challenge month. Hmmm. I'll try to find out and, if it is, then I might, just might, end up posting here more often than usual! But don't hold your breathe, I'm not good at keeping this kind of commitment...