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mercredi 28 juillet 2010

Really back this time

You probably didn't notice (given how infrequently I've been posting recently) but I've been away again. But I'm back now. Really back.

The girls and I went on our first ever just-the-three-of-us holiday - a week in a very nice hotel in Bilbao. We didn't have fantastic weather (especially towards the end) but, living in the south of France, this wasn't really a problem (and it's roasting here). We did do a few nice things, though: we thoroughly enjoyed the fantastic Guggenheim museum, we had a nice, relaxing afternoon on the delightful Playa de la Magdalena in Santander (which is where the girls also experienced their first ever "pintxos" (or "tapas", as they're called in the rest of Spain), and we loved the aquarium in San Sebastian. The girls had a great time at the funfair very thoughtfully located just outside our hotel (really, just outside - we could almost touch it from our window), we went in the hotel pool, L made friends with all the waiters (C's way too shy for that - L's a total flirt), and we had dinner at Ikea twice because a) it was cheap b) we could walk to it from the hotel and c) it was the most reliable place for vegetables - Question: how come the Spanish seem to be excelling in just about every sport going when they don't ever seem to actually eat any vegetables except tomatoes? It's particularly mystifying given that there are plenty of shops and markets selling raw vegetables... I find it crazy that I had to go to Ikea to get gazpacho (good as it was)...

Since then, more of the usual back at Camp Magic. There was work piled up waiting for me, the flat is a total mess, the girls are going to bed far too late (and so am I) and this summer seems to be totally endless.

Things with D are difficult and tense, and it's all really getting me down. I'm in a total funk most of the time. It's only when the girls are here and I'm able to take the time to do things with them that I feel OK (we played board games yesterday, I took them to Toy Story 3 today, which I suspect I liked better than they did - I just loved Ken's fashion show!...). Our holiday was nice, but hard work - I feel like I didn't speak to a single adult (apart from hotel staff, restaurant staff, transport workers, museum staff...) for the entire week. I was in bed at the same time as them, ie about 10 pm, every night, and there were a number of occasions when they simply bugged the shit out of me. But there were plenty others where they were sweet and adorable and we did, truly, have a good time. It's just that it's hard being alone so much.

Sorry, I'm rambling, but I'm getting by on a diet of Diet Coke, 5 hours' sleep a night maximum and compulsive crap-on-TV-watching (this from someone who hasn't watched more than about 30 minutes of TV a day in 20 years).

I would love to know when it's all going to get better...

mercredi 14 juillet 2010

Back, but probably not for long

So, yeah, it's been a while, I know.

Today is a special day, of course, so it merits a post in its own right...

Can you believe that, had the world spun in a slightly different way ten years ago, I would today be the mother of a little girl who just turned 10? I can't believe it's 10 years since she died... It seems like only yesterday, yet an eternity ago at the same time.

What I can say, however, is that I miss her every single day of my life and that I will never forget her. She means the world to me. Even though she never got to see the outside world, even though she weighed only 450 g when she died and was born, she was beautiful and perfect, and she'll always be my first born. I love her very, very much.

OK, that's that. Of course, only my dear, sweet friend in London, M, remembered the significance of today (she remembered even though she is literally only hours from giving birth herself... how's that for friendship?!). Not a squeak from anyone else.

As for the rest of the shit going down round here, well, I'm feeling a little inhibited. I now know that D reads this (hi there - hope you're having fun!) but that's not going to stop me mouthing off, especially as there are almost no other readers (I know he only found my blog by going through my bookmarked pages).

Things are not going well. I'm feeling very bitter and am finding it hard to be relaxed when D is here. The fact that he seems incapable of a) coming to pick up the girls at the time he says he's coming b) bringing them home at either the time he says he will or at a reasonable time c) taking care of their belongings and bringing everything back is all DRIVING ME BATSHIT CRAZY. The lack of punctuality is nothing new, and is, in fact, a family (his family, I mean) trait. But oh, how it bugs me! And of course there's always an excuse (traffic! delayed trains! crappy waiter in the restaurant! aliens from Mars (I kid)!), but I'm sorry, that doesn't fly with me.

And that's just a minor detail. He's now talking about me one day refunding the money he put down in the deposit for our flat (go on, D, deny it again, but yes, you did talk about this, just the other day), even though I find that suggestion repellant after all the things I've paid (he did admit that he hadn't thought of it that way and that yeah, calculations would have to be made, bla, bla, bla). He's also refusing to admit to any kind of mental breakdown (EVERYONE ON EARTH IS CRAZY! BUT NOT ME!) so there's no progress at that level.

And I'm just so fucking tired. I've had a shitload of work, the girls have been off school since 02/07 and it's been hard to find things to do - no car, no transport - though I did manage to plan a couple of outings, one of which had to be cancelled because my MIL has come back AGAIN (even though she was here in June and even though D will be taking the girls to see her in August) and the other which was severely compromised because D brought the girls home at 11 pm the night before and they were too exhausted to really enjoy a morning at the beach. Talk about sabotage (conscious or not, who knows?).

So, yeah, life continues to suck mightily and I've really, really had enough of 2010 now...

The girls and I will be off for a few days in the not-so-distant future, and I'm looking forward to that, but am starting to get as paranoid as D - I can't help but imagine him coming here and rootling about looking for "proof" of my evilness while we're away (yeah, he's still got keys to here even though I don't even know where he fucking lives - false addresses on school enrolment forms, you name it, just don't let the bitch know where I live - that seems to be his mantra (am I right, D?))... I could be wrong, of course, but well. There's so much tension and distrust now on both sides that anything's possible.

Sometimes things are OK, sometimes they're not.

The new normal, so to speak.