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vendredi 2 janvier 2015

New Year's questionnaire, the return

New Year

The New Year's Questionnaire

Instead of an actual update, I'm going to (once again) do this New Year's questionnaire.

In short, for those of you not reading my woefully irregular posts, 2014 (like just about every year for as long as I can remember) sucked big time (and, after only 1 day, 2015 isn't set to be great either, but it at least has time to improve).

OK, here we go.

Thanks again to Linda for this...

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

Hmmm. Not a huge amount. I didn't seem to do much of anything, to be honest, let alone new stuff. I guess I could mention electroshock therapy. I'd certainly never done that before...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No real resolutions, but, having lost over 10 kg in the last 6 months, I am kind of hoping to be able to maintain my new weight

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My upstairs neighbours had a little girl on 4 July. We're not close friends, but they are close in terms of distance!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. My best friend from middle school - still my friend more than 30 years later, even though we never saw each other any more, died on 27 December. Cancer sucks

5. What countries did you visit?

Portugal - I took the girls to Lisbon for a week in July

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

A steady income, mental stability, a normal life (as normal as my life can ever be). This desire never seems to change...

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

3 March, the day my beloved Tom died. 26 May, the day our new kitten, Smoky, came into our lives and also the day I was discharged from the mental institution I'd been in for 4 months

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not going bankrupt, I guess

9. What was your biggest failure?

Only just not going bankrupt. Or possibly my failures as a mother. Tough one to call

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Same allergies as every year now apparently, and then ongoing bipolar issues

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The whole "trying not to go bankrupt" thing has meant I haven't bought many things this year...

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

No one has stood out, I'm afraid

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Probably mine, at the personal level. At the "celebrity" level, I'd have to say the French President's ex-girlfriend, Valérie Trierweiler

14. Where did most of your money go?

Trying to pay off the huge amount of debt I have

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?


16. What song will always remind you of 2014?

There are several, mainly through the incessant YouTub-ing of the girls: 1D's "Steal my girl", for example, plus French "stars" such as Black M, Indila...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? About the same, unfortunately

b) thinner or fatter? About 10 kg thinner

c) richer or poorer? Also about the same - too in debt, anyway

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Be normal (I don't even know what that means, to be honest)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Spend time in psychiatric establishments

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Here at home, just me and Y (and the cats, of course). Two of his friends came round in the evening. Then Y left for 2 weeks with his family in Algeria the next day

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?

This is a tough one, too. My relationship with Y sprang back to life sometime between February and April (the electroshocks have made me lose all memory of that period...), but I'm having trouble believing it will last - regardless of my hopes that it does

22. What was your favourite TV programme?

I've spent quite a lot of time watching the National Geographic Channel, but not a particular programme

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?


24. What was the best book you read?

I seem to have lost the ability to read books, which still appalls me!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pffff, I'm waaay too old for this question

26. What did you want and get?


27. What did you want and not get?

A decent income may sound materialistic, but it really would be nice!

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

I took L. to see "Paddington" just before Christmas and that was quite good. I think it was in 2014 that I also saw Baz Luhrman's "The Great Gatsby", and I loved that...

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 45 (God help me) in May. As is the case most years, I can't really remember much about it. I was still a patient of the psychiatric establishment, so it couldn't have been particularly exciting I guess

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being so heavily in debt

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

I still really, really don't have a "fashion concept"

32. What kept you sane?

Nothing, apparently

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pat Monahan - still, but now accompanied by Alexander Skarsgard and Joe Manganiello from True Blood. This hasn't changed, amazingly

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm still not really interested in politics, but the various troubles around the world are disturbing

35. Who did you miss?

My friends in England - I don't see them nearly often enough; my friend in South Africa. This hasn't changed either.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Being pretty much a hermit, it isn't surprising that I don't think I met anyone new in 2014

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014

That raising tweens/teenagers is a challenge at a whole range of levels

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
These haven't changed either: there are two: first, from Train's early hit, "Meet Virginia":

"She pulls her hair back as she screams, "I don't really want to live this life!"
Second, from "Chasing cars" by Snow Patrol:

"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world"

Rendez-vous in 12 months for the next depressing installment of my miserable life.

jeudi 1 janvier 2015

Life sucks

As usual, it's been a while. Apparently, one of the many things I suck at is being regular in my blog posts...

To keep you up to date, we haven't taken Zorro back to the refuge - he's still with us, but remains wild and unsociable. We didn't take him back for the simple reason that we couldn't actually catch him and put him in the travel case. We did, however, adopt the kitten I mentioned - his name is Smoky and he's absolutely adorable, despite the (many) stupid things he does. He's almost 9 months old, he's cute, and affectionate, and everything I could wish for in a cat. His only "failing" is that he isn't Tom, and we all know that's not his fault...

Other than that, my life continues to suck big time. I got my freedom back at the end of May, and the judge removed the tutor from my existence at about the same time. However, it turns out that he left me with more debt than he cleared up, so I've spent the last 7 months trying to pay it all off. I've done my best, I've paid off a huge amount, but still have a huge amount to pay. And of course, work has been erratic at best, non-existent at worst. My "career" is, it seems, more or less over.

In other news, I randomly stopped taking my meds at about the end of June, just because I hate the idea of putting toxic chemicals into my body. Naturally, my shrink has no idea of this, and I have absolutely no intention of telling him. I do NOT want him sectioning me again. I've done OK so far, though I'm not in great shape tonight...

Let me explain.

It's New Year's Eve, or technically New Year's Day now (yay! party! NOT), and I'm alone with the cats. This has been a wretched "holiday" season. The girls went to Paris on 22 December and came back a week later, meaning I wasn't with them for Christmas or Cs 13th birthday. Y left for 2 weeks in Algeria on 26 December. He comes back very late on 10 January, and leaves for 5 days in Porto on the 12th. It's like Cien años de soledad condensed into one, 3-week period.

On top of that, a friend who was my best friend for many, many years died on the 27th and, even though I haven't seen her for years, even though our contact was almost solely through Facebook, it felt as though the world had once again fallen apart. The funeral's on the 23rd, and I can't afford to go, which makes me feel even worse.

I got drunk the night I heard of her death, I got drunk and cried a lot. A real pity party. But the truth is, all this misery is just the culmination of a globally shitty, shitty year.

I'm too scared to hope that 2015 will be better, because I've hoped for that every year, and each year has been worse than the one before. I'm terrified to even contemplate what more shit can possibly come my way.

I nevertheless wish anyone who does actually read this all the best for 2015. It's just that I'm not hopeful in my particular case.

I might even try and write here more often - though that could be more of a threat than a promise given the continual outpourings of misery you get...