Life sucks

As usual, it's been a while. Apparently, one of the many things I suck at is being regular in my blog posts...

To keep you up to date, we haven't taken Zorro back to the refuge - he's still with us, but remains wild and unsociable. We didn't take him back for the simple reason that we couldn't actually catch him and put him in the travel case. We did, however, adopt the kitten I mentioned - his name is Smoky and he's absolutely adorable, despite the (many) stupid things he does. He's almost 9 months old, he's cute, and affectionate, and everything I could wish for in a cat. His only "failing" is that he isn't Tom, and we all know that's not his fault...

Other than that, my life continues to suck big time. I got my freedom back at the end of May, and the judge removed the tutor from my existence at about the same time. However, it turns out that he left me with more debt than he cleared up, so I've spent the last 7 months trying to pay it all off. I've done my best, I've paid off a huge amount, but still have a huge amount to pay. And of course, work has been erratic at best, non-existent at worst. My "career" is, it seems, more or less over.

In other news, I randomly stopped taking my meds at about the end of June, just because I hate the idea of putting toxic chemicals into my body. Naturally, my shrink has no idea of this, and I have absolutely no intention of telling him. I do NOT want him sectioning me again. I've done OK so far, though I'm not in great shape tonight...

Let me explain.

It's New Year's Eve, or technically New Year's Day now (yay! party! NOT), and I'm alone with the cats. This has been a wretched "holiday" season. The girls went to Paris on 22 December and came back a week later, meaning I wasn't with them for Christmas or Cs 13th birthday. Y left for 2 weeks in Algeria on 26 December. He comes back very late on 10 January, and leaves for 5 days in Porto on the 12th. It's like Cien años de soledad condensed into one, 3-week period.

On top of that, a friend who was my best friend for many, many years died on the 27th and, even though I haven't seen her for years, even though our contact was almost solely through Facebook, it felt as though the world had once again fallen apart. The funeral's on the 23rd, and I can't afford to go, which makes me feel even worse.

I got drunk the night I heard of her death, I got drunk and cried a lot. A real pity party. But the truth is, all this misery is just the culmination of a globally shitty, shitty year.

I'm too scared to hope that 2015 will be better, because I've hoped for that every year, and each year has been worse than the one before. I'm terrified to even contemplate what more shit can possibly come my way.

I nevertheless wish anyone who does actually read this all the best for 2015. It's just that I'm not hopeful in my particular case.

I might even try and write here more often - though that could be more of a threat than a promise given the continual outpourings of misery you get...