Errr... Hi there...
It's been three months since I last wrote here and these three months have been one hell of a ride.
From the outside looking in, not a whole lot has changed. But from where I sit, trapped inside my body, staring out through the holes of my eyes, the world has pretty much turned upside down.
My head is broken and there doesn't seem to be anything that can fix it. The bad days are getting worse, the good days are really nothing more than just "slightly less bad" days.
The self-destructive behaviour is back, the long, lonely nights, the endless tears.
I have sought help, am getting help, but so far the help isn't even making a dent in fixing whatever is broken. And I am seriously starting to believe that there is no solution - or, rather, that there is only one solution, the final act I've been dancing around on and off my whole adult life.
That one, last, desperate act isn't really a solution in absolute terms, but it would put an end to all the pain inside my head, the pain in my thoughts, the nightmares.
I am, of course, too cowardly to make that final step, so I remain here, struggling through each day, wishing my life away.
And not writing here very often.
I will try and write more, but be prepared, there's no sunshine in me any more.
