You can probably guess what's coming next...
I studiously avoided hoping that 2017 would be better than 2016, because that kind of silliness has been spectacularly disastrous for me in the past.
But guess what? Despite that precaution, 2017 seems to be turning out worse than 2016...
I feel like I'm spiralling back down, down, down.
I'm am so very, very tired of fighting, struggling all the time. And the fight, the struggle is incessant, and at every level of my increasingly wretched life.
Do I ever do anything but moan?
Well, actually, yes, I do lots of things:
1. I try and pay off debt, pay bills, keep myself out of trouble at the bank;
2. I try and keep up appearances for L, and for just about everyone else around me;
3. I try and convince myself that clients will come back, that work will start to come in again;
4. I try and imagine what it must be like to not have to worry about money ALL. THE. TIME.
5. I try and imagine what it must be like to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have psychiatric problems, who isn't consumed with bitterness about his crap life, and who I actually want to be with;
6. I try (but this, very unsuccessfully) and imagine what it must feel like to be happy.
There are some positives: my mortgage is finally fully paid off (thank God, because if it weren't, and I still had to pay that €700/month, I'd be hopelessly overdrawn by now); spring is here; I have successfully applied for two separate bank loans that will at least keep me afloat for another couple of months or so; one of this year's very rare clients finally paid two overdue invoices today (though one was paid without VAT, which just means hassle for me).
But my relationship with C. is virtually non-existent (I haven't even seen her for about a month); L. is struggling mightily with maths and I don't have the means to help - I'm not good enough myself, and I can't afford to hire someone; L.'s 13th birthday is looming large and I don't have the means to buy anything at all (so of course she wants a €200 phone, and her dad has said OK as long as we all chip in, which in his language means that he wants me to pay for it and then he'll pay me a little bit of half of it over several months); my relationship with Y. is difficult - we're both irritating each other considerably and I don't have the guts to do what I probably need to do.
So yes, like chez Magic27 is as crap and depressing as ever. No respite in sight of course, just futile hopes and dreams (and the worst of that is that those hopes and dreams are just normal life for most people).
Magic27, over and out (for now, anyway).
