Hanging in

Nothing's really changed (except the weather, which is no longer summer but most definitely autumn), but I'm feeling a little less panicked. Possibly because of what my commenter said in my response to my last post (thank you!), possibly because a couple of clients have paid me and more are probably set to do so in the next few days, possibly because (as a result) one of my bank accounts is actually in the black, possibly because I just spent a shitload of money (that I don't really have) on our upcoming trip to Scotland for Christmas, possibly just because I seem to have come through the weird cold-flu-type thing I had for a few days (was it H1N1? Who knows. But I felt mildly crap and now feel better, so that's the main thing).

Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.

I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!

So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.

But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!

Screwed

My life feels like it's such a mess right now. I'm at my wits' end, I really am.

Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.

Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...

I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.

Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).

D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.

I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.

I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!

Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.

Help.

Addiction

Confession time.

I am an addict. A total, time-wasting, life-screwing-up, addict.

And the culprit? GAMEDUELL.

OK, I'm not exactly a hardcore user yet as I'm waaaaayyyy too mean to actually play any of the games for actual money (they give you a "free" 10 Euro starter, and I'm down to 1.10 Euro, so I've stopped there), but still. I have wasted many, many late-night hours on this stupid site and their stupid games. That I'm not even very good at. Dammit!

So, in hommage to Nancy Reagan all those years ago (that dates me, doesn't it?), JUST SAY NO and DON'T GO THERE!

You have been warned.