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jeudi 8 octobre 2009


My life feels like it's such a mess right now. I'm at my wits' end, I really am.

Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.

Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...

I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.

Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).

D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.

I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.

I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!

Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.


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