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mardi 18 mai 2010

Not celebrating

D slept here last night, but only because he had nowhere else to go. The evening was tense and uncomfortable, mainly because my father doesn't understand at all what's going on and there is NO WAY I'm going to fill him in on all the sordid details because he'd only worry. He's 79 and lives in Scotland, so there's no need for him to be sitting there in his house worrying about what might or might not be happening here.

So. D was here this morning and took the girls to school, but didn't say if he'd be here for lunch. I don't know what's going on, except that he keeps asking me if I'm still in agreement for the "garde alternée" crap (I've told him a million times that I don't like this situation, it's not something I want, but that I won't stop him if this is what he wants - I don't know how much more fucking reasonable I can be) and I think we have an appointment with the lawyer on Thursday. Which I'm dreading, of course.

So yes, this morning all was a little tense - D only making minimal conversation with me and my father, being all sweetness and light with the girls.

What hurt the most was the fact that today is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY and although, yes, D did wish me a happy birthday last night just after midnight, he didn't say much this morning, and didn't remind the girls (so they said nothing), so I feel very neglected. He obviously didn't get me a present (and I didn't expect him to), but I feel that he could maybe have got something for the girls to give me (it's not over yet, but so far this has been a CRAP birthday).

The girls are coming home for lunch, and I'm hoping that will be fun, but I'm not wildly optimistic, especially if D does make an appearance. To be honest, I don't really feel like celebrating at all.

And, much as I truly love my father, I can't wait for him to go home either - he's been here since last Wednesday (that's 6 nights on the sofa for me so far), I've got a shitload of work to do and find it hard to concentrate with him banging about, plus I feel guilty for leaving him on his own so much. We had a nice time at the cinema yesterday ("Robin Hood", quite good, and I found "Godfrey" remarkably sexy), but having him here for SO LONG is pretty stressful all the same.

A pretty grim day, then, and I can't wait for it to be over to be honest.

Happy Birthday, Magic, let's hope being 41 is more fun than being 40 (though it hasn't got off to a very positive start, I must say).

3 commentaires:

print girl inc a dit…

well I don't know you but I want you to know that I'm sending you a very HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY!!!! or is it's 41? maybe I read it wrong. Although I can't understand what you must be going through, I feel for you. Not pity and not sorry because I do believe this will be for the best for you and your girls however to get to that place you have to take this horribly awful and bumpy road. You WILL get through this, you will. I feel for you because this has got to be so difficult. I just can't imagine. There are people out there that care about you and BELIEVE you when you say you aren't the crazy one here. When I find myself in difficult times, I tell myself... today is a new day, today is a NEW day. One day a time. TODAY is your birthday, and although you have a shitty path right now, you do have your girls and DAMN IT IT'S YOUR FREAKIN BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUST OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE OR WHAT HAVE YOU AND CELEBRATE!!!!! do whatever you have to do to pull that out of yourself. try as hard as you can, for just this one day. Tomorrow will be a new day. **hugs**

Cha Cha a dit…

Oh, sweet Magic. Happy Birthday, my dear. And here's to a 41 that's way, way better than 40.

You are lovely and amazing and you will get through this. Talk to a lawyer who has nothing to do with D before you sign anything.

Thinking of you ...

Magic27 a dit…

Thanks to you both - I'm scared out of my mind by the lawyer thing and I'm so broke I can't afford to go and see another one before signing... I have got an appointment with a woman at a "Centre d'Information pour les Femmes et les Familles" (information centre for women and families), but not till 8 June - and we're seeing the lawyer the day after tomorrow.
But I'm going to be careful, I won't sign immediately, I'm going to do what it takes. I'm scared out of my mind, I'm crying as I sit here to think that people who've never even met me care more than the man I just spent 14 years with... I'm touched beyond belief.
Thank you.