I'm going to try and make my meeting today with a marriage guidance counsellor (psychologist) sound positive, but really, I'm scared beyond belief.
I gave her a short version of the events of the last few weeks, months, whatever. She immediately became concerned about D's state of mind and seemed very keen to make sure that he get treatment (even mentioning hospitalisation, which freaks me out, because D will FREAK THE FUCK OUT about this and resist, resist, resist, not to mention hating me forever - more than he does already, I mean - if he thinks I'm behind it).
She's going to do some digging at the ER he went to where he almost got hospitalised last month, and will try and talk to our psychologist friend who's been trying to help D too. And I have to go back and see her next week, with a document to fill in that I have to get from the main court in Montpellier, and she'll let me know what she's found out. She's not talking about confidential stuff, just what the doctor who checked C reported and so on.
She also got me an appointment with a legal advisor who will help me fill in the form. She's really not keen on him getting custody at all (HE'S GOING TO KILL ME) given his present state of mind, not to mention the practical side of things.
I do feel that progress is being made, and that things are moving forwards, but, at the same time, I'm scared out of my wits as to his reaction to all this. He wants us to see a lawyer and get some kind of thing in writing, but what I'm doing (which is the same thing) will make him so angry with me that I'm scared of how he'll react.
The lady I saw was very reassuring and very professional (I've met her before somewhere, but can't for the life of me think where), and the fact that she's so concerned about my safety, and that of the girls, has freaked me out. I told her that he hasn't given me his new address (we filled in the girls' re-enrollment forms for school next year and he put a different address - he says it's because he doesn't have a mailbox in his place, I'm convinced it's so he doesn't have to tell me where he lives) and that that scares me - and she said I was right to be scared. Which of course scares me even more. She doesn't even seem happy with him taking the girls for a short time, but I can't stop him doing that (well, I could, but that would unleash the hounds of hell, I suspect) and don't want to stop him seeing them, even if I feel sick with fear every time he does that he won't bring them back...
Oh Lordy, this is serious stuff. Hospitalisation, treatment, lawyers, judges, legal decisions... I've never been so scared in my life, and I feel so outrageously alone - there really isn't anyone I can talk to (well, that's not true of course, there are plenty of people in fact, but they've all got their own lives, their own hassles... I can't impose forever. I have to learn to be strong so I can get through this).
I am fighting, I am coping, I am trying to pull myself out of debt (not easy, believe me). I'm trying to get things organised for the girls this summer (still hoping, praying that I'll find a way to go away with them for a few days, but I'm not sure how I'll pay for that), I'm trying to get work done, get the flat smartened up. Cope, rebuild my life, start over in other words. But inside, I'm jelly, I'm scared, I feel sick with fear.