Funk

So, yeah. I'm in a bit of a funk tonight. Quite a lot of a funk, actually. I would never have imagined that one day I'd find it so hard, so uncomfortable, so unpleasant to have to be in the same room as D for an extended period of time. But it is. Or at least, it is NOW.

The PTA thing was my thing. It was the thing I invested myself in, the thing I did. Since we split, D has started coming to all the meetings too. And I HATE him for it. I know it's his right, and I know there's no argument I could ever put forward that would justify my feelings, but still. I do, I HATE that he comes.

I also hate that he's got "M", a nice, reliable, solid, respectable (so it seems, I barely know her) woman he knows from his church. He claims they're not an item, and that may be true. But he sees her all the time, he drives her car, she picks the girls up from school, they've stayed at her place (without D, to be fair), and will now be staying at her place with D while she's away. I HATE him for this, too. I feel like he's replaced me, with some mild-mannered church-going type. She's great with the girls, and they really like her, and to be honest, I've got nothing against her - apart from the fact that she does more fun stuff with my little girls than I do.

I'm alone, every night, every weekend, all the time. I'm more lonely than I've ever been in my entire life, more isolated and scared and miserable. And he's limpet-ed to this M woman. And they spend more time (more "fun" time, anyway) with my girls than I do.

So yeah. Total funk tonight. Watching Mad Men didn't help, either (I find this series strangely compelling, yet unbelievably wooden and depressing at the same time. Can't explain why I keep watching it at ALL).

Sorry. This wasn't meant to be another moan-fest, but that's what came out when I started typing.