Theme

The theme of this month's NaBloPoMo is "Fan" (as you can see on the button to the left of this). I used to think I was a fan of certain things and that I remain loyal to them, but I'm beginning to think that's not actually the case... In fact, I'd say I'm more obsessive-compulsive than loyal.

I mean yes, there are things I was a fan of in the past and that I still like now (lots of things, in fact) but what I find more striking (and possibly more worrying) is that the things I REALLY like are more flash-in-the-pan. For example, I developed an obsession a few weeks ago about the TV series "Friends". And when I say "obsession", I really mean it. I bought myself - very cheap - the box set of ALL TEN SERIES and watched them, compulsively. I watched as many as 10 or 12 episodes in a row, non-stop, going to bed at dawn, totally bug-eyed, and then spending the next day exhausted yet desperate to keep going. But then, once I'd watched the last episode ever (and sobbed at the end), I put the DVDs away and haven't looked at them since.

Instead, I've turned my attention to Mad Men. There are only 4 seasons, but I've watched almost 3 and a half in just a few days. I've watched 4 episodes today (and why yes, it would be 6 am - thank God it's a public holiday today and there's no school to make me get up at 7.30). I have 8 or 9 episodes left. I'm obsessed about the show, even dreaming about the characters. But I know that once I've watched the last episode of season 4, I'll stop (until season 5 comes out on DVD of course, but that might be a while away).

The same thing happens with CDs, books, even food.

I don't have the "classic" OCD - I'm most definitely not obsessively clean (ha! ha! ha!), but these "bouts" really do take on obsessive status. I'm not sure what happens, nor what pleasure I get from it, but I just can't control myself. I tell you, I'm fighting the urge not to break out disc 2 in the season 4 DVD...

Obviously, as obsessions go, this is fairly harmless (apart from the not sleeping part, of course). I don't drink (much - maybe a bottle of wine a YEAR), I don't smoke at all, I don't do any kind of drug. But this type of behaviour still concerns me.

I'm feeling unspeakably fragile right now - totally adrift, without direction, struggling to keep my head out of water and make sure my daughters get the best I can give them. And I have a feeling these obsessions are the only form of stability I can find. They're real, practical, measurable.

They keep me, if not on, then at least in view of dry land.

So I accept them for now. Because I need all the stability I can get my hands on right now.