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dimanche 4 décembre 2011

Warning: moan-fest ahoy!

I haven't been around much lately. It's not so much that I've been busy (though I have had things to do), it's more that I'm in such a damn funk that I a) couldn't be arsed to write anything and b) do, believe it or not, get tired of hearing myself whine all the time (so I can only imagine how dull it must be for you).

So. Yeah. Funk. And not in the music sense.

I feel totally overwhelmed by absolutely everything. I do stuff, all the time. I do a lot of stuff, even. But I never, ever seem to get anything finished. And my "to do" list is ridiculous, covering several pages. If I cross one thing off, it seems like I have another two or three things to add. And if I don't add them, I forget them completely. You wouldn't believe how many e-mails I have, unanswered, in my in box...

Everything is half-done. The son of one of my best friends back in Britain had his 8th birthday on 26 November. I bought a (small) gift a couple of weeks in advance, and a nice birthday card. Very organised. And, of course, neither have been sent, even though it's now 4 December. Both of my other friend, J's, kids had their birthdays too (one on 19 October, one on 7 November) and I haven't done anything about those either.

I've bought all my Christmas cards and addressed all the envelopes, but done nothing more. I've done some Christmas shopping (mainly for the girls, in fact), but not all. I have plans for projects with the girls - making Christmas cookies, making mince pies - but remain unconvinced that we'll actually ever get round to them. I always try and get the tree put up on or around 1 December, and I haven't even cleared a space for it yet. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the drift.

I've neglected the little amount of housework I ever do, I've been doing my food shopping on the internet once a month instead of every two weeks (and I can tell you, the week before I do it is a frugal week for sure). I'm way behind with my invoices, I owe money all over the place, I've stopped paying much attention to how I look (not that I paid much attention before, but even less now), I'm weeks behind on grading student translations, none of my paperwork has been organised or sorted or anything for months (it's just piled up in heaps around my desk). I haven't done my professional accounts since last December (fuuuuuuuuck) and I have a million (or so it seems) phonecalls to make.

The one positive thing I've done is make my decision regarding Christmas. I plucked up the courage and asked D what he thought about me taking the girls to Scotland and, of course, he was very positive about it (my mean-spirited self suspects he's plotting his revenge for next year). So I set to work and spent more hours than I care to admit on every cheap flight site ever. It took me forever, and cost me 900 euros. But we're going. And I am, for once, really looking forward to it - previous visits were always a little stressful because D and my dad didn't really hit it off and neither was good at compromising or letting things go, so they always argued. This time, though, with just me and the girls, it should be stress-free and fun. I live in hope.

Other than that, I almost broke down in tears on Thursday morning in the headmistress' office at the girls' school. I had a document to drop off and then a question to ask the headmistress about the school newspaper (I'm one of the 3 parents' association members responsible for putting it together). She asked me into her office, told me what I needed to know and then, changing subject rather suddenly, said that if things got too hard for me she was there, that she would listen and would do what she could to help me pay for school trips, or the school canteen, or whatever, in full confidence. I don't know how she knows how dire my situation is (no payments have bounced for ages), but I was incredibly touched and, as always when that happens, tears welled up. I managed to get out before the tears really started, but only just.

The truth is that I'm not coping at all right now. Everything - anything - can make me cry, and usually does. I long to have someone sweep into my life and take over. Deal with things. Make things right.

I have to try and believe that the shittiness of my existence will come to an end, that I'll get my shot at good times for once. But it's hard to believe when every new year starts so full of promise and ends with me counting the days till it's over. 2010 and 2011 have been particularly shittastic, it has to be said, but I don't dare say "2012 can only be better" because whenever I've said that, it hasn't been true (2011, case in point).

I'm sorry. This is one long, dreary moan-fest, and I know that. But it's 5 am (again), I feel like crap and I hate my life existence. I'm not suicidal, I swear, but I am, most definitely, struggling, and struggling badly. And the more I struggle, the more I become a homebody. If it weren't for school and teaching, I'd almost never leave the house; hell, I probably wouldn't leave my bed if I could get away with it (and remember - I've stopped opening my shutters in my bedroom, so it's like a cave. A messy, un-vaccumed cave).

If I catch sight of someone I know in the street, I pretend I haven't seen them and bustle off, trying to look like I'm in a rush. I never phone anyone (I've always hated the phone) and never make any attempt to see friends. I know it's not healthy; I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I'm wallowing in self-pity (and a fair dose of self-loathing much of the time) and I don't want anyone to see that.

I snark and moan at the girls - who really aren't doing much to help, it must be said: they NEVER put anything away, never do anything to help unless I ask them a hundred times, never do what I say. I hate the way I am with them, but if they would play their part, it would make a huge difference - I feel like I have to do EVERYTHING for all three of us, plus the cat, all on my own. I don't ask much of them, just that they lay the table, for example, or clear it at the end of a meal, that they put away the clothes I wash, dry, fold and put on their beds, that they pick up their toys or games and put them away, that they turn off lights, that they put lids back on bottles and bottles back in the fridge, that they put on their pyjamas without me having to tell them... it's simple stuff and, given that C's almost 10 and L's over 7.5, I feel they should be able to do this. But they don't. They really, really don't. My dad noticed how little they do; friends have noticed too. I don't know where I've gone wrong, but I have. And it's one of the many things getting me down.

So there you have it. My wonderful life. I know I should be grateful for what I have - I have a home (for now, anyway) and a job, and two lovely, wonderful children. I'm healthy (as far as I know, though I haven't seen a doctor in about 2 years), I have friends (even if I make no effort to see them or even contact them for the most part) and I live in a lovely place.

But it's not easy to be grateful when there's so much crap going on. When getting out of bed is so difficult. When fetching my mail is so stressful (today, for example, I received my quarterly VAT bill (1,500 euros. YEAH!) and a threatening letter from the bank ("interdit bancaire" is looming large, I fear). Fantastic.

How am I supposed to "get into the Christmas spirit" or be "jolly"?

To be honest, I just want 2011 to end. I just want all this crap to go away, disappear, self-destruct. Because if it doesn't, then I just might.

Over and out.

4 commentaires:

Penny a dit…


I've been reading your blog for a few years but I've never quite heard you like this. Some honest need to see your doctor and fast. You sound like you have clinical depression. Perhaps an anti-depressant could help (or if you are already on one, perhaps you need to change it). Or perhaps you can benefit from some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

You need to take some positive steps in your life for the sake of your girls. You know this but you are frozen...see your doctor and get some help. You are a smart lady and a loving mum, with the ability to get yourself out of the awful financial situation you are in. Things don't have to be this bad but you will need to ask for help before they get better. Good luck.

Sarah a dit…

I agree with Penny. Look up clinical depression on the internet and it'll all look horribly familiar.

I don't know if you read the comments that are put here, but I hope you do. Time to make an appointment with the doc to help you cope with this temporary downward spiral.

I also have an idea how you can improve your finances. Can you email me? dslfr at hotmail dot com.

Ed Ward a dit…

Another vote for GBT from a happy veteran. I'd stay away from anti-depressants if you can, though; they're kind of a murky area, pharmacologically.

Good luck, and let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

ndib a dit…

I agree with all the above. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years and clearly things have got worse for you over the last year or so. Please get some help and perspective. Pick up the phone to your friends in the UK and any you have in France. Confide in your Dad, talk, talk and talk some'll help.
Good luck.