N is for...

Need.

It can be very difficult to separate "need" from "want".

I "want" a lot of things - happiness and good health (both for me and my girls), a healthy bank balance, a decent social life (ANY social life, actually), a new kitchen, new decor in my bedroom, a holiday... Lots of things.

But what do I really need right now? Oh, and the right answer to that is not "a kick up the backside".

I need to find a solution to my money troubles. I need to snap out of this god-awful funk and pull my life together. I need to stop being such a hermit and make the effort to reach out to people. I need to start being healthier in my lifestyle.

Not a hugely long list, but horribly daunting given how I'm feeling right now. Admittedly, 4.30 am after a 48-hour food intake of tinned tuna (split with my cat), toast, chocolate, Diet Coke and coffee probably isn't the best time to contemplate such things, but I know that even in the cold light of day (assuming I open the shutters of course), this list will still look daunting.

The money troubles part is largely out of my control now. I mean, there are things I've done to help, and "things" are (apparently) in motion, but other than pray there's not much I can do in reality.

I remember hating the "pull yourself together" speech I got so often back in those other murky days of my past. The people who helped me never said that to me, so saying it to myself seems pretty much doomed to failure. But at the same time, I know that's what I need to do. Need. Huh.

As for the not-being-a-hermit thing, that's tough too. I feel disconnected from the parents at the girls' school (so!many!couples! and so!many!well-off!people! Way to make me feel inadequate), and I am, literally, disconnected from the friends who could do me the most good. So yeah, that's another tough one.

The healthier lifestyle is at least possible. But will require super-human effort on my part. Going to bed early, getting up early are anathema to me, always have been. Cooking is not something I enjoy (or am particularly good at), so comfort foods are an easy option. Not necessarily unhealthy, but not great either. And I think I'm addicted to Diet Coke.

But still. It's a reasonably short list.

There's just one more thing I'd add to it.

I need...or is this just want, after all?...to feel a man take me in his arms and tell me it's all going to be OK. Make me feel human again, make me feel like more than just a machine for translating endless, endless words. Make me feel like a woman again.

Fat chance, I'd say.

OK, so now the inevitable quote (you knew this was coming, didn't you?!):
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need".

Fingers crossed, eh?