Level...errr....43?

Although technically (here in France at least) it now is not, today still feels like it's my birthday. 43. Heh.

I still find it pretty hard to believe that I'm actually that old. I mean, really? 43? That seems so impossibly grown-up, and I don't feel grown-up at all. I feel like I'm just pretending (badly) to be a grown-up...

Despite drinking too much of this delight last night:

and just 3 hours' sleep, I actually felt OK when I got up this morning. I received a book and a couple of DVDs from my dad, a CD of flamenco music from D and chocolates (provided by my dad) and this:

from the girls, which was perfect.

I received more wonderful birthday wishes through the post, via Twitter and via Facebook, all of which warmed my heart and made me feel loved.

The girls and I had roast chicken for lunch, followed by a tarte à la framboise topped with chantilly, with candles and the girls singing in French and English.

It was a fairly low-key birthday, but a surprisingly good day - particularly given how miserable and crap I've been feeling lately.

The melancholy is starting to return, of course, now that the "big day" is over, but I'm thankful for this day, even if we didn't do much, even if (to be totally peevish and ungrateful) I would have preferred a real cake to a raspberry tart (however nice it was), even if it would have been nice to go out and do something rather than spend the afternoon wading through a translation about Czech communism.

I'm grateful for all the birthday wishes I received - more than I ever have before, all so very much appreciated and savoured.

I'm 43. That's pretty much mid-40s, isn't it? Holy crap.

Every year, I seem to say that the previous year wasn't a good one but that I have hopes for the new one. Well, it would appear that Pat Monahan and the guys from Train have picked up on that - this song (though clearly about Pat Monahan's real life), or at least the chorus of it, could have been written for me!

Maybe, just maybe, this really WILL be my year...

Air

When you swirl down to the bottom of the pool, the bottom of the sea, you must try to find the light and head towards it. You need to come up for air, break out into the light.

Right now, as I feel the sand between my fingers and the seaweed entwined around my legs, I can only catch an occasional glimpse of the light.

I've been told that it's there, that it's the direction to take. But right now, that cold, damp, grainy sand sticking to my fingers, the leathery ribbon-like seaweed clinging to my skin, prevent me from breaking free of this watery cloak, prevent me from struggling back up to where there is light.

To where there is air to breathe.

A to Z Afterthoughts

As I get older (and boy, do I feel like I'm getting older...), the more I realise just how poor I am at self-discipline. Obviously, this makes my decision to be self-employed rather dubious, and most likely explains why my entire life is such a  monumental fuck-up.

I started this blog basically as a means for me to say what's in my heart, in my own language, in a way that suits me, in a place where I'm not judged. My aim has never been to become a star blogger (I don't want to be recognised, or published, or asked to speak at conferences, REALLY, I don't!) and I do nothing much of anything to boost my readership. That's not what this is about.

I'm a shy person, who finds it difficult to actually say things, out loud, to other people. I don't talk about my feelings easily. I don't show emotion easily (except when I do, and then it's generally humiliatingly flagrant). But I can WRITE about them. So that's what I do.

But, as I said, I lack self-discipline. So the blog languishes, at a paltry 3 or 4 posts a month, and even I'm not happy with that. Challenges such as the AtoZ Challenge are ideal for me - they force me to make the effort and actually write something every day, but not for an unrealistically long amount of time (because I'd never stick to it, of course).

I enjoyed the Challenge, and found a few blogs I've started following - Dave, Toddlerisms, Dawn, Liz and maybe one or two more. It's been great to make contact with some of these people, find things we have in common, new pathways for discussions. New horizons, so to speak.

If there's a new challenge at any point - later this year, or next year, or whenever - I'm pretty sure I'll sign up again. Till then, I'll make my usual promise to write here more often, even though we all know I won't be able to keep it.

But I will try to keep in touch with my new blog contacts.

Thank you, AtoZChallenge - you were fun!