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lundi 20 août 2012

*blink*

Errr... Hi there...

It's been three months since I last wrote here and these three months have been one hell of a ride.

From the outside looking in, not a whole lot has changed. But from where I sit, trapped inside my body, staring out through the holes of my eyes, the world has pretty much turned upside down.

My head is broken and there doesn't seem to be anything that can fix it. The bad days are getting worse, the good days are really nothing more than just "slightly less bad" days.

The self-destructive behaviour is back, the long, lonely nights, the endless tears.

I have sought help, am getting help, but so far the help isn't even making a dent in fixing whatever is broken. And I am seriously starting to believe that there is no solution - or, rather, that there is only one solution, the final act I've been dancing around on and off my whole adult life.

That one, last, desperate act isn't really a solution in absolute terms, but it would put an end to all the pain inside my head, the pain in my thoughts, the nightmares.

I am, of course, too cowardly to make that final step, so I remain here, struggling through each day, wishing my life away.

And not writing here very often.

I will try and write more, but be prepared, there's no sunshine in me any more.

11 commentaires:

Emma a dit…

I'm so sorry that this summer didn't bring the light and air you need so badly. Hang in there.

My daughter's preschool teacher left her 16 year old son, her mother, 12 preschoolers in our little school and a hall full of inconsolable family and friends behind when she did the unmentionable last Autumn.

She left a letter, saying that her son would be better off without her. He isn't. And neither are we.

{{hugs}}

ndib a dit…

Dear Magic, I've been following your blog for a couple of years now and would love for you to find a positive way out of your situation. Stay strong, get help. You and the girls have a future. M

Ed Ward a dit…

If anyone reading this blog has heard from her since Tuesday, please leave a comment, since she seems to have gone missing.

Ed Ward a dit…

She's okay. In the hospital last I heard, recovering.

Anonyme a dit…

Thank you for The update.
Wishing a full recovery to you magical27. Reach out and let people help you. Things will improve and you will find peace again. Your girls need you, don't forget. Wishing you healing!

Louise Hurren a dit…

Magic27, I know we haven't exactly been in touch much these past years, but I have read your blog and wanted to say that I wish you lots of strength and hope you will be able to see your way through this very difficult time. If you recall, I have children the same age as yours: if it would help you, I'd be happy to mind your girls at our place some times, if you need a break. Don't be shy about reaching out for help. You are a smart person and I am sure you realise that it is smart to ask for help when you need it. Wishing you well, Louise

Louise Hurren a dit…

Dear Magic27, I've been reading your blog and am sorry to hear about the difficult time you are going through. You are a smart person, well done for seeking help, you must keep doing so: no-one is meant to go through this sort of situation alone. If I can help by minding your girls sometime at my place (remember, I have children who are the same age), I'd be happy to help. Just ask. Wishing you all the best, Louise

Anonyme a dit…

Hope you are feeling better.
Things won't always be this way.
Best wishes and strength to you.

ndib a dit…

Any news from Magic?

ndib a dit…

Any news from Magic?

ndib a dit…

Anybody got any news from Magic?