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jeudi 23 janvier 2014

Seismic shock



I checked back in to the hospital on Tuesday, despite administrative problems involving my €3,000 debt from last time, which my "tuteur" claimed he had taken care of, but in fact hadn't (seriously, WTF is the point of having this stupid "tuteur" crap if he doesn't do what he says and just makes my already-chaotic life even more complicated?). I, predictably, spent most of the afternoon and evening in tears (plus ça change and all that jazz).

Yesterday (Wednesday), Dr H turned up at 7 am (good job I'd been awake since before 4...) and we had a long chat. He did most of the talking, and once again brought up the subject of electroconvulsive therapy. Fucking electroshocks, like in One flew over the cuckoo's nest. I, also predictably, did not take this news well.

Now, he can't force me to have ECT, even if I've been sectioned (which I haven't, quite), so I'm free to refuse, and almost certainly will. But just the fact that he thinks that this is a viable option makes me feel sick to the stomach. Almost literally. I can't eat, even the smell of food makes me nauseous.

I refused the IV valium I was supposed to have (never want to experience THAT again, seriously), and also refused the valium in tablet form the first night. I yielded on Wednesday morning, only for it to totally knock me out, so refused it again in the evening and this morning.

This morning, Dr H talked about ECT again, trying to make it seem like a more or less totally harmless experience (which doesn't fit at all with the (many) (serious) articles I read on the subject yesterday afternoon, including this one:, but nevertheless repeating that he has other options if I don't want to do it. I don't feel very reassured, I can tell you.

In addition, he announced that tomorrow I'll be transferred back to the part of the hospital I was in at first, the first time round. Apparently, it's not as "locked" as it was, and is more like the other, "open" side now. The reason for this transfer is that it's smaller, so I can be "watched" better. Pffffffff. I'm just going from one feeling of abject failure to another, even more abject.

Dr H assures me that he understands my point of view, understands that I don't feel I have the strength to fight any more and insists that he has enough strength for both of us. Which is nice, I guess. But he also said he's deeply concerned by how far down the black hole I've fallen in such a (relatively) short space of time, by how long this "bad period" has been going on, and by my (OK, I admit it) erratic and/or irresponsible behaviour.

I just want to go home. Be with Tom. Be left alone. But there's little chance of that: Dr H has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't really trust me.

It sure looks like 2014 is going to be another miserable year, doesn't it?

3 commentaires:

Anonyme a dit…

I commented yesterday and I'm very, very glad to see that you're in the hospital.

As regards the debt, couldn't you ask a relative or friend to pay it for you and then pay them back when you're better? Maybe several friends/ relatives/ colleagues could get together and pay it off? One less thing for you to worry about, it would bring some peace of mind. Please don't be too proud to ask for help.

Treatments aside, what your doctor said about him being strong enough for both of you is definitely reassuring. Talk to him openly about your concerns about how the medication makes you feel and ask to start on lower doses of valium or whatever it is he thinks will work, but don't refuse outright because it's only by trying and tweaking the doses/ combinations that he will be able to find the best dose/ combination to help you. By all means, hold off on the electric shock therapy but don't try to go through this depression all on your own. If you had a broken leg, you would take medication to help yourself heal. Don't let prejudices and fears prevent you from taking medication to make you feel better able to cope.

Remember to keep communicating: talk to your doctor, write stuff down to help you process things in your mind, reach out to friends and relatives. I'm sure most people will be very supportive and you will feel less alone.

The other day I read your heartrending account of your miscarriage and I wonder if you have fully explored that issue in therapy/ if you might have PTSD from that horrible experience that time in the hospital? Just a thought, I don't mean to be invasive.

The year has only barely begun,so you are definitely in time for things to get better and for it to be a good year. Stop putting pressure on yourself in this way: aim for a good morning, a good evening, a good day. Start small and bigger things will come of their own accord.


Anonyme a dit…

Another thing:

I presume if you're in hospital that the doctor has absolutely ruled out any underlying physical cause for how you're feeling? I mean thyroid/ metabolic problems etc.

If not, please ask him to run extensive tests to rule that kind of problems out. Wacky thyroids can sometimes cause or worsen psychiatric symptoms.

Try to be as proactive as you can in getting better. Start to do more of the talking yourself instead of the doctor. Do they provide therapy sessions at the hospital? If so, go, if only to cry and release tension. The words will come afterwards, you are eloquent and self-aware and you WILL be able to get to the bottom of this and then start climbing back up and out into the light.

Anonyme a dit…

By the way, I presume you have read the Hyberbole and a Half blog?

If not, I'm sure you will like it: