...is for Yearning.
That yearning feeling is one that is corresponds to an intense longing for something. It can be so strong that it hurts, physically hurts.
I seem to have spent large swathes of my life yearning for things, often in vain. And the pain of yearning is nothing in comparison to the pain of trying to accept that what you yearned for just isn't going to happen.
Right now, I yearn (as I said a few days ago) for normality, a reality that resembles that of other people, a reality that provides me with structure and satisfaction, a reality that gives me love and affection.
Dr H says that he finds me less depressed than before, which is good, but not ready to face up to the obstacles in my life, which is not so good. He does seem to be suggesting that I'll soon be out of here, which is good, but the fear that I feel at the thought of being home all the time, of having to deal with cooking and cleaning and the girls and laundry and my work, all by myself (I know Y is there, and he does a lot, but I'm still going to have to do a lot of stuff by myself), paralyses me.
The yearning I feel for this probably unattainable normal life is causing me pain, and I know I'm going to have to go through the pain of failure once again - because, let's face it, my life is one long list of failures isn't it?
Except for this AtoZ Challenge, which I'm on the brink of succeeding - just one day to go!