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jeudi 8 mai 2014

Slip, sliding away

It seems I'm in a bit of a Simon and GarFUNKel mode at the moment, which is odd, as I haven't been listening to their songs at all.

But yes, I'm in a bit of a funk, and I can feel myself sliding down the slippery - oh, so slippery - slope of being so overwhelmed with stuff to do that I end up doing nothing at all.

I have a shit ton of stuff that needs doing, and needs doing urgently - Urssaf need to be visited to try and get myself exonerated from at least some of the ridiculous €7,000 they claim I own them (wrongly calculated on revenue from a better year than 2013), I need to see the VAT guys to try and spread the €3,000 I owe them over a few months because yeah, €3,000 all at once will kill me. I need to contact the totally incommunicado guy dealing with my mortgage, which hasn't been paid for months as far as I'm aware. And I need to send papers to the mortgage insurance company to try and get them to pay some of what I owe, but of course I don't have all the papers required (this is bureaucracy-obsessed France, remember).

So far, out of all that, I've photocopied a letter from the insurance company and sent an e-mail to the mortgage guy.

Then there's work, and the invoices that go with that, plus paying dear Arnaud for work he did months ago (and that the mandataire was supposed to have paid but didn't).

And tomorrow, I've promised to take the girls shopping at Odysseum as part of Lydie's birthday present. I'm dreading it, and am hoping and praying it won't last too long so I can get back to Yacine.

I am a bad mother, one who finds her children fairly unbearable most of the time and who doesn't exactly relish their presence. A bad mother, for sure.

I'm also annoyed with Dr H for prescribing only medication with which it is very difficult to overdose (he knows me too well, clearly). I have a huge stock of Mianserin and Abilify - the ones I don't take at 6 pm, just about every day - plus an equally impressive stock of Atarax and a couple of Noctamide and Lysanxias. None of them taken alone would do the job, but I'm hopeful that if I took all of them, with a hefty dose of alcohol, they might work. But I don't know. And if I do want to go down that path, I don't - most definitely don't - want to fail again.

Life as a working, responsible, adult with children and a home and a cat to deal with is too much for me, I'm not cut out for it. I want to leave Rech next week and be allowed home indefinitely, but I'm not sure how ready for that I am.

Slip, sliding away, indeed.

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