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dimanche 14 juin 2015

Reading matter

Break out the Muscat de Rivesaltes, guys, this is my own, personal book club. There's no set topic. Oh... wait. Maybe there is...

First up: a happy little pairing:
Lionel Shriver's "We need to talk about Kevin"
Jodi Piccoult's "19 minutes"
Both of these are about screwed up, psychologically damaged teenagers who go on a murderous rampage around their high schools. Hmm. Comedies, then.

Second; a couple more Jodi Piccoult novels:
My sister's keeper - another happy story of terminal illness in a child, designer babies, moral dilemma and death.
The pact - a cheerful tale of teenage suicide.
There's obviously a high giggle factor here, too.

Finally: a selection (free choice, people) of Michael Connelly or Jonathan Kellerman thrillers.
These involve brutal murders, criminal psychology and the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles.

So maybe there is a theme after all.

I swear, people, I've been on the muscat since I took C. back to her dad's and am slowly falling apart.

All these joyous books about death and the dark side of life have helped me come to the shocking (to me, anyway) realisation that I cannot possibly allow myself to commit suicide, however appealing it might seem, because I can't bear the thought of what it would do to C and L. Yet, at the same time, the thought of having to live like this for the rest of my miserable life fills me with such despair that I think I'll implode.

I truly don't know what to do.

Somebody. Anybody. Please.

Help me.

4 commentaires:

Anonyme a dit…

Go to your doctor. Be honest with him. Take your meds. The thought of re-entering a psych hospital might be devastating, but it is only temporary, and cannot be worse than the alternatives. Your daughters will one day appreciate your continued efforts to get well. I want you to know that people care about you.

Lori a dit…

You are too smart for Jodi Picoult. Read this book.
I believe you will love it.

I sure do like you, and wish someday to tune in and see that you have found your peaceful slice of happy.

Still here, always. Lori (Still in Ohio)

Lori a dit…

That is more typos than I have ever let loose on the internet in a single pop. Wow. So, sorry for that! -L

Anonyme a dit…

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Try to let the feeling wash over you like a wave of the sea. Remember that this too will pass. Pour away the wine and have a shower, let the water wash away the pain for a while. Then dry yourself and wrap yourself in a towel. Put on some fresh clothes and climb into bed to get some rest. Tomorrow will be a new day and you will have a different perspective. Before you go to bed write yourself a little note to call your doctor in the morning. Tell him everything you've written here in the last few days and get back on your medications. But for now, get rid of the wine and have a restorative shower. It will not always be as bad as it is now. Try to soothe yourself as if you yourself were a person in need of love and affection. Don't be so hard on yourself. Try to make a little space for yourself where you can wait and hold out until you are well. You will be well again but you need to be honest with your doctor in the meantime. Wishing you rest and peace of mind.