Autumn blues

Still no solution to the Christmas question, mainly because I still haven't plucked up the courage to talk to D about it, but also because I am so overdrawn I can't afford to even think about buying flights (yes, my dad has said he'll pay for them, but by that, he means that he'll pay me back when we're in Scotland - weeks from now).

Still wishing it were 2 January, then.

The days chug by and start to all look and feel the same. Some days, I leave the house, others (many) I do not. Most days I spend way too much time at the computer. Every day - every.single.day - I long for the time I can climb into bed and slip into the fantasy world I've created in my head.

I cook meals, do laundry, wash dishes. I translate texts, prepare classes, mark homework. I hold my girls in my arms, kiss them, need them. I despair over the state of our home, screech like a harpy, cry.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

The autumn weather - despite being ridiculously mild - doesn't help. We've had endless rain, interspersed with only brief non-rain moments. The leaves are falling, mushing underfoot. The sky is grey, heavy with clouds, threatening rain. The air has the unmistakeable feel of dampness, decay, the dying of the light.

I feel pulled towards pretty, shiny things. Lovely things. Warm, delicious colours, inviting décors, comfort foods. Sexy men, cute animals, reassuring words. Thank God for Pinterest - the ideal place for seeking out beauty and comfort and fulfilment without spending a centime.

I'm an alien in just about every sense of the term (I don't actually come from another planet, though to most French people I guess Britain seems like one). A desperately poor, single, separated mother at a school full of rich, Catholic, happily-married couples. A freelancer that works hard, and is good at her job, yet can't earn enough to feed her family. A freak.

This coup de blues will pass, most likely once Christmas is over, once the days start to get longer again, once the sun starts to shine. But till then, all I want to do is hunker down and hibernate, leaving my lair only to gorge on chocolate and crappy TV.

Thank goodness there are music videos to watch and get weepy to...

New year blues

I'm pretty sure there must be more of you out there who don't really like New Year's Eve very much... D is frantically trying to get something organised for us (we always seem to do this kind of thing at the last minute, possibly because I more or less leave it all to D, and D really is a last minute kind of guy - gets it from his mother of course, but... NO. STOP. I said I wouldn't talk about her for a while), whilst I am quietly hoping that we don't actually have to do anything at all.

Last year we got back from Scotland on the 30th and ended up spending NYE at home, just the 4 of us (5, if you include Tom). D, being mighty pissed off at that scenario, was in a foul mood and we had quite a big argument. He sulked and faffed about on his computer for most of the evening, while I watched "Hairspray" (hmm, yummy, yummy Zac Efron... soon, apparently, to be seen in Pirates of the Caribbean 4 with fantasy love of my life, Johnny Depp... my cup runneth over) and ate chocolates. As far as I'm concerned, it was a damn good NYE.

And this year looks set to be the same - no plans so far, D can still barely walk because of his bad back and many of our friends are, or will be by tomorrow night, away - except that I intend to watch the DVD of "Mamma Mia!" this year instead.

I don't know why I dislike NYE so much - I've had some good ones (Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club in London in 1990-something with my then-friend Clare, a good one when I was about 17 or 18, one spent in St Andrews, again with Clare, one in Scotland with my cousins, another in Scotland for 2000...), but also many indifferent ones spent with my parents, watching Jules Holland till my parents went to bed at 12.30 and then putting on my favourite videos (Neil Diamond's "The Jazz Singer", "Grease", "Carousel"...).

I just find it kind of depressing, and always pretty much of a let down.

Of course, this could just be that wild, party animal in me talking (ha! ha!).

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be able to bring you a list of my resolutions tomorrow (like you care ;-)), but I will be doing a questionnaire proposed by Linda which has tickled my fancy, and would be delighted to hear any answers you might have too...