Not quite as planned

But new years never are, are they?

I always, somewhat naively, assume that the start of a new year is going to make me change some, if not all, of my many bad habits. That things will change around me, that I'll suddenly find the happiness I've always seen as being strangely elusive.

But of course it's not true.

The weather - by south of France standards - is crap, I've been up late every night, up late every morning (except today, as it was back-to-school day so I had to get up for that, but of course I was back in bed by 9.30), I've gone back to my eating too much junk all night (chocolate porridge yesterday, crisps and cake tonight) and I feel lousy.

To cap it all, D and I have now had 2 very disturbing conversations - one yesterday, in which he went back to one of his favourite themes: my "lacking something". He claims it's because I'm "the most truly atheist person he's ever met", but then completed that with insinuations that I have no imagination, lack emotion, lack feeling... That I'm a fucking robot, in other words. I was really angry (though we've had this conversation many times before, usually with me ending in tears), but held back from crying and held back from making all the criticisms of him I could make (and there are many - the main one being his total incapacity to hold down any kind of money-earning activity). Bastard.

Then we had another conversation this evening, starting with C's upcoming birthday party. One of the little girls coming has a name I hate. I told D that this girl's mother had confirmed her daughter was coming and he said how he really liked the name. I then said "yes, it's great, if you're into Eastern European hookers or something", which in turn got him on to the subject of one of the times (in our first couple of years together) he was unfaithful to me. And how! It was 1998 and we were on holiday in Bulgaria. He (in my company) got talking to a group of Ukrainian women (all sluts, is my guess, but I could be wrong) and then basically told me to bugger off back to our hotel on my own. He spent the night (so he told me) with one of them (the one with the same name as the girl C has invited), came back, vaguely apologised and then, later on, laid into me for spoiling the holiday and being a bitch. I know I was spineless and pathetic and should have told him to go shove it, but I was getting desperate for a baby, had never met anyone who wanted to stay with me (what's wrong with me?!) and was terrified, at nearly 30, of never getting a chance again. So I took it on the chin and "forgave" him. Except of course I've never really forgiven him for humiliating and insulting me like that. And that means that nearly every time we argue, this hideous incident rears its ugly head.

Yeah, I have a pretty fucked up relationship with D. Sometimes I really don't think he knows me (or cares) at all. And I'm pretty sure he only stays with me because I'm the breadwinner (and always have been). And I only stay with him because I'm more or less sure I'll never find anyone else. Hardly healthy, I admit.

That said, we do seem to get along pretty well, and don't actually fight that often, despite the fact that we spend most of our time together (both working from home (though he doesn't actually work very much)). Maybe I'm just being blind, stupid and naive. But it's all I've got right now. And we have our sweet girls to think of, too.

But those two conversations have really shaken me up, thrown me down and left me in a total funk. It's nearly 3 am and I'm cold as hell, but I'm too wound up to sleep.

And, final nail in the coffin of this new year, money worries continue - many clients are just not paying me what they owe, I'm overdrawn in both my private and professional accounts and, because I'm in a funk, all I can think of is BURNING PLASTIC. Especially as the sales start here on Wednesday.

What a crap start to 2009!

I hope your new year is going better (and that mine improves!).