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vendredi 18 septembre 2009


Guilt is high on my list of feelings right now - I don't have many readers (slight understatement!), but my most reliable one is upset that I don't write more often. Phooey, I would have said, until she pointed out that I've only produced two posts since my birthday. Two posts in four months. That is, I hate to admit, pretty pathetic, even by my standards.
So here I am, back again.
My dear, kind dad has gone back to Scotland after 3 pretty nice weeks here "with us" (only actually 5 days altogether, with two weeks in his rented flat down at the beach), whilst my MIL from hell is still here, with no return ticket bought and no clear cut ideas of what she's doing from Sunday onwards. God help me. She's angling to come here, but we (D and I) have said "only 2 nights" and "only next weekend", mainly to put it off as long as possible, but also to let me try and get all the goddamn sheets washed from the my dad's visit.
More guilt where my MIL is concerned. Apart from the "no return ticket" crap (which bugs me shitless but is hardly unsurprising as she does this every time), everything's been OK with her, but I've now got to the stage where just seeing her or hearing her voice is enough to get my hackles raised and all my deep-seated aggressiveness bubbling out of me...
Maybe I have "issues".
Of course, my stress levels are through the roof because we owe so much money to so many people, and my clients are all dragging their feet about paying me and I'm overdrawn just about everywhere despite my dad giving me money and oh, it's all very depressing.
Don't really know what to do to get myself out of this ghastly financial hole. The ideal solution would be for D to actually start earning some money, but that seems as likely as his mother turning into a nice person, so I'm pretty much at my wits' end where money is concerned. Work is quiet at the moment, but I'm sure (hoping) that won't last and the reality is that I really can't work that much more than I already do.
Holy hell, I hate having to worry about money all the time!
At least the girls seem happy. Back to school has been good, we've met their new teachers (who seem pretty nice), the girls are both happy to be with their friends, their activities are all starting up (L's doing dancing and circus, C's doing circus and swimming).
I am feeling pretty frustrated with myself. I feel fat and bloated and ugly, I feel like I've failed pretty miserably professionally speaking, I feel out of place amongst the chic and elegant mothers at school. Our flat is still - surprise, surprise - a total mess, and I just get the impression that I can't ever get my life in order. I have so many good plans, good ideas, lists... and then end up doing nothing other than eat crap, stay up till ridiculous hours and play endless games on Game Duell (don't go there, it's hopelessly addictive, even if (like me) you only play the free games).
Every year, in January, I say that I'll get my life sorted once and for all. And then don't. Then I say the same thing every September, and it looks like I'm going to fail yet again.
And I don't even dare look at my somewhat rash "40 things before 40" list to see how many of those I failed.
I need help, I need to see my friends, I need to win the lottery (not much chance of that as I don't play).
I feel lonely and ashamed of my failure and, yes, guilty, for letting everyone down, starting with my parents, then myself, my teachers who had such faith in me, and now even my beautiful daughters who really do deserve someone better than me.
So, there you have it. Yet another moan-fest from the south of France.
I really do hope that one day I'll be able to write something utterly cheerful and frivolous!

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