Me and my big mouth.
There I was, blithely hoping that things couldn't get worse and well. OK, no one else has died in our immediate vicinity, but 2010 is still pretty spectacularly craptastic.
D has no job (which means no income, of course, but worse: negative income because he has multiple debts from the professional contributions (health, social security, professional tax...) from last year that he couldn't pay because of his low income). He's depressed, negative, aggressive and downright miserable to be around.
He's even talking of leaving us as it would be cheaper for us all if we weren't living together (I'm not sure about that, but it's possible: as a single, unemployed guy he'd qualify for social security and all kinds of benefits that we don't get now; I might also get more child benefit as a single mother), but that just depresses me beyond belief.
He's sort of looking for work, but really, here in Montpellier, there isn't much to be had (highest unemployment rate in France), plus he's 45 and has few qualifications.
We're more broke than ever, owing money to about a million different people and organisations. Work has been OK for me, but a little slow, though I've taken on more teaching hours to try and boost my income a little.
I feel utterly wretched, in fact. I want to cry and sleep all the time. I eat endless crap as comfort food, I've been spending money like water (only little drops of water, and mainly useful stuff, but still. Not necessarily essential, either) and I don't know where to turn.
I desperately want to talk to a friend, get all this off my chest face-to-face with someone, but I have no really close friends here and I feel alone, desperate and miserable.
I can't see how we're going to get out of this, I can't see how D can ever find work here (as I said, he is looking, but I'm not sure he's really giving it his all either - that's depression for you), I can't see how we're ever going to pay off our debts.
We're going to a wedding in York in March, and the weekend is set to cost around 500 € (which of course we don't have), but I really want to go and I'm looking forward to it. We just have to find two people to take the girls, but that shouldn't be a problem.
I also want to go on holiday this summer - I've been looking at Italy again as I loved it so much last time (2008). I'm thinking of the Italian Riviere, the Cinque Terra, Genoa... There are "cheap" places to rent, for sure, but "cheap" still means 400 € a week. And I'd also like to spend a few days in a hotel - Genoa has cheap deals at the Novotel and I'd love that, but again, that would be about 350 € for 4 or 5 days. I've spent hours poring over this stuff, but shouldn't - we can't afford it. But oh, it's so nice to dream!
I feel so stressed right now that my head aches almost permanently, my hair's falling out, I'm putting on weight and I'm getting grouchy. My sweet girls are wonderful, but picking up on the tension and I hate that.
Oh, fuck this! I just want 2010 to get better! I want D to find work - anything! anything that would bring in some money, even 1000 € a month would be good - I want us to pull through this difficult time, I want to be able to breathe again.
Sorry for the moaning, but I'm so alone right now.