Surviving

Life goes on, as they say.

Things are strange, to say the least. D now has his own "flat" (though of course I've never seen it and won't be invited there for a while from what I can tell) and was burgled after just 48 hours - he has virtually no possessions, no furniture etc. but the bastards managed to take the one thing he had: his 7-year-old laptop. *sigh*

We had an appointment with a lawyer last week, supposedly to get some kind of official paper detailing our "mutual consent" separation and the 50-50 custody crap. Of course, we were there on time, and the lawyer didn't turn up (bitch). I almost vomited from the stress and frustration of it all.

I'm kind of adapting to my new "single mother" life, but am finding the idea of not being with my girls 50% of the time very hard to cope with. It may not happen for a while (D's flat is way too small and under-equipped for him to have the girls stay with him), but I'm pretty sure it will eventually. The very idea of it breaks my heart.

And yet, my patience levels are so ragged that I'm not being very good with them right now. With D no longer here, there's so much more to do all the time and I'm just not handling it very well. He took them all weekend (so to speak - 11 am to 8 pm on Saturday, 11 am to 6 pm on Sunday) and I cleaned and rearranged the whole kitchen, all whilst sobbing because I missed my babies so much. And then, when they came back, I snapped at them for not doing what I asked. I'm actually pretty much a wreck right now.

I have a shitload of work to do and can't concentrate on any of it; the rest of the flat is a mess (the kitchen is FABULOUS, though and I'm extremely proud of all my work - I just need to buy a proper worktop and put the doors on the kitchen cupboards); I'm aching for a holiday - just me and my girls, I guess - but can't afford it and oh, money problems. Lord preserve me from money problems - I barely dare take a look at my bank accounts right now.

What a mess my life is.

And, to cap it all, my sweet C has been away all week (well, since Tuesday morning) on a class trip to the Auvergne to study volcanoes. There's a voice server thing you can check every evening and by all accounts they're all having a wonderful time, but oh, how I miss her! She's never been away from home like this before, and I haven't spent so long without her since, well, ever... She'll be home tomorrow evening at about 6 pm, and I can't wait!

This is all very disjointed, I know, but I'm severely sleep-deprived (still can't get myself to bed early, but now have to be up every day at 7.30 to get the girls ready for school - though I pride myself on the fact that, since I've been responsible for getting them to school, we haven't been late once, unlike D who frequently arrived late) and still not really myself on the basis of this utterly surreal situation I'm in.

Way back in January I asked, rhetorically, just how much worse 2010 could possibly get... Well, I guess I have the answer now: shitloads worse. And I daren't ask the question again because I don't think I can take much more...