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dimanche 19 septembre 2010

Back (again, again)

Summer was hard, and I longed for school to go back. And it did, on 2 September. In some ways, things have indeed been easier since then but I'm still in a total funk. I'm exhausted, but can't go to bed. I can only sleep properly during the day, but have to be up at 7.30 on weekdays to get the girls to school, plus teaching has started up again and that means having to be up and presentable during the day, too, of course. But still I go to bed way, way too late (6 am last "night", for example, then up at midday, back in bed half an hour later, up at 5 pm... So much for the beautiful Sunday weather). I'm out of control, out of touch with the rest of the world, barely seeing daylight, not keeping up with friends, with work, with this blog, with anything.

Spending my whole time living in a fantasy world where there's someone who loves me, someone who'll take care of me, somone who'll take up just some of the slack - I'm so tired of having to cope on my own.

"Discovered" the group Train recently too, and have been listening to their music obsessively ever since (helps that Pat Monahan is so easy on the eye, of course - he's my number one fantasy right now). "Drops of Jupiter" sends shivers down my spine, "Marry Me" makes me cry, "Soul Sister" is the one for dancing...

Scared that I'll be on my own forever, scared that there'll never be another "special someone" in my life, scared that if there ever is, I won't be able to cope.

Scared, tout court, en fait.

I'm taking the girls to England this October to stay with two of my best friends and see a third. It's the oxygen I've been yearning for, struggling for. I really do feel that I've no one to turn to, no one who'll listen, and put up with me sobbing (the one thing I do with real style and passion at the moment), and tell me everything'll be all right. I'm lonely as hell, dreaming my life away in fantasies.

Can this crappy year really get any worse? Sometimes I think I'm in a downward spiral and that there'll never be an up any more. I'm struggling so much to keep it together for the girls, and failing miserably. I'm grouchy and intolerant, impatient and distant, yet distraught when they're with D...

Oh, and D: if you're reading this (and I know you found this blog, so I'm guessing you are), just let it be known that one day (far in the future, don't worry) I'll be telling the girls the truth about this year, about what you did to us, as a couple and us, as a family. And how I can never forgive you for what you did to us. I feel very bitter, very angry, still. Even now.

And your attempts to take control of the girls' lives, to develop their agreement for shared custody fills me with terror - it'll destroy all of us, but of course you can't see that.

Yeah, a crap year, all round. Let's just hope that 2011 is a good one (I'm already counting down to it...).

Oh, and if you don't know it, go listen to this - it's my lifeline right now! (And fall into his dreamy eyes...)

1 commentaire:

HeyJoe a dit…


Sounds like you're going through a rough time. I can sympathize. Things are rough on this side of the world as well. Unemployment sucks ass. Hope things start to improve for you. Thanks for popping over to HeyJoe.