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mardi 29 mars 2011


My sweet C, and all the kids in her year at school, is going away on a trip, a "classe découverte", to Paris in 2 weeks. In fact, in 2 weeks' time, she'll already be there. She's really looking forward to it, and I know she'll be fine (last year she went to the Auvergne region of France to visit volcanos and stuff and had a brilliant time), but I can't help but feel slightly sick at the thought of her going away. She's only 9... she's a big girl, bright and independent, but she's still only a little girl really...

And then there's L: in less than a month now (30 days, to be exact), my baby, my littlest hobo, will be 7. The "age of reason" as they say... She's such a cheeky monkey, such a little cuddle bundle (and irritating as hell at times to, of course)... I can't believe she's going to be 7...

My babies aren't babies any more, and I can't help but wonder what memories of childhood they'll carry with them for the rest of their lives. I hope there'll be happy memories, memories of having fun together, not just of me screaming and screeching and crying. I do my best, I really do, but it's all just so goddamn difficult.

My babies are growing (though not grown yet) and I love the ages they are (I like each age better than the one before, in fact), but I worry so much about them, about their future, about the memories they'll have.

I hope that one day they'll know - really know - just how very much I love them, how hard I've worked to keep things together for them, how damn fucking reasonable I've been in the face of almost unbearable injustice, how hard I've tried to give them the future they deserve. They are what has kept me going this last year, they are my reason for being, for doing, and everything I do - every. thing. - is truly for them.

I hope C and her friends have fun in Paris (they're going to be soooo tired - the meet-up on Monday is at 5.40 am at the station...and they'll be visiting both the Natural History Museum and the Monet Giverny Foundation that same day...), I hope L's birthday is happier than last year (to be fair, I think SHE enjoyed it, which is what counts, but I was as miserable as hell, really struggling to keep it all together).

Hope, dreams, a better future...

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