Coup de blues

(By the way, yes, yesterday was a stunningly long day, spent mainly on my feet, making my ankles swell most attractively and leaving me with aching muscles today (which says a lot about my overall muscle tone and fitness, I feel), but we had a good time!)

So. Today. Another long day, actually. Going to the market, wrapping birthday presents, taking C to a birthday party and picking her up, plus all the usual cooking, working, bla, bla, bla.

Why the "coup de blues"? Tomorrow is Father's Day, and that alone leaves me feeling a little strange. I've bought a small gift on behalf of the girls, plus they've made stuff at school, but it's always these "special" days that are the hardest.

On top of that, the summer holidays are almost upon us and it's still a struggle for me to accept that things - everything, actually - are so different. Hearing everyone at the fête yesterday going on about how they're going to this place or that place "as a family" is hard. We'll never do anything as a "family" again, just as 3/4 of a family. Don't get me wrong - I don't miss D, and I certainly don't want him back, but I do miss the "family of 4" thing, I really do.

And last of all, the party C went to this afternoon was at a friend's house, though I use the word "house" rather loosely. The kid's home is amazingly beautiful, with a spectacular garden and pool. I'm not jealous, exactly, but I am jealous of all these people around me who don't have to worry about money all. the. time. It's probably the thought that occupies me the most (that and the fear of spending the rest of my life alone), and I'm so tired of having to worry about every single euro I spend, always a little anxious when I pay for something by credit card in case it's refused, always scrimping and saving.

I would so love to be able to not worry about money. I'm not asking to be rich, just to not have that fear in my mind all the time.