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vendredi 15 juillet 2011

July is the cruellest month

July is a tough month for me.

It's always (as in, "since I started working and had kids") been difficult trying to juggle a phenomenal amount of work and the holiday season. For some reason, every client I have (or so it seems) has a megashit ton of work to be translated, all, of course, as soon as possible. Plus there's no school, and friends are away and there are two small girls to occupy, preferably with something other than a millionth episode of Phineas and Ferb.

Since 2000, this month has also been my bête noire, the one with that date in it, the one that pulls me back in time to that wretched day that changed my life forever. Since then, there has always been a "before" (that date) and an "after" (things start to look up).

And now, added into this heady mix of overwork, school-less children and bad, bad memories, we can add today. This day is D's birthday, and to say that I have mixed feelings is the understatement of the year.

My current feelings for D are pretty well-known if you've read any posts I've written here since May 2010. There is now no love lost between us, and his presence in my life is a huge pain in the butt. I'm uncomfortable when he comes here, I'm awkward with him on the phone, I'm wary of everything he says and does because of the threat of ulterior motives. I loathe having to have contact with him, and distrust him now at every level because I know him to be capable of the worst, the very worst. Thoughts and words (and perhaps actions, I'm not sure) of such injustice, such evil (no, the word isn't too strong) that I can't believe we were ever actually together any more.

On the other hand, he is the father of my girls, and he is, without doubt, a good father. Caring, loving, present. He clearly loves them, and they love him. And that is right and good, I'm not saying anything else. But it's hard to bear.

So, today is his birthday. And I have to participate in this event, even though I have NO DESIRE to do so, but because my girls want to and can't without my help. We went out on Monday and bought him presents from them, to him. The girls received money from a friend of his (a "friend" perhaps, I don't know what relationship he has with this woman, and I'm not sure I want to know) and I paid the (very small) difference. This morning, the girls will be baking a cake, with my assistance. And I will have to wrap L's present because she's not really able to do that by herself just yet (C's already done hers).

What I'm saying is that this day is tough: preparing birthday surprises for a man I can no longer bear but whom I once loved and yearned for more than anything in the world is hard enough. That he has treated me so fucking badly to boot is just the icing on the cake (so to speak). Even more, knowing that doing this is both necessary and right makes it even harder.

Once today is over, there will be just 2 weeks or so of this nasty month to go. My babies will be going away with D for a week (8 days, in fact), probably next Tuesday, possibly as early as Monday, leaving me alone and miserable. My dear friend J and her family will be arriving in the region on the 23rd and I may go and see them, just me, either the next day or the Monday, depending on when my babies come home. And after that, life will pick up. The girls and I will spend time with J and her family - here in Montpellier, as well as at their rented holiday home. We will go on holiday ourselves, another friend will be arriving as we get back, there will be a circus and trampoline course, my father may be coming... All good stuff to come.

I just have to get past today (difficult day, difficult day) and then the wretched week without my babies. And then I'll be free to enjoy the summer at last!

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