Autumn blues

Still no solution to the Christmas question, mainly because I still haven't plucked up the courage to talk to D about it, but also because I am so overdrawn I can't afford to even think about buying flights (yes, my dad has said he'll pay for them, but by that, he means that he'll pay me back when we're in Scotland - weeks from now).

Still wishing it were 2 January, then.

The days chug by and start to all look and feel the same. Some days, I leave the house, others (many) I do not. Most days I spend way too much time at the computer. Every day - every.single.day - I long for the time I can climb into bed and slip into the fantasy world I've created in my head.

I cook meals, do laundry, wash dishes. I translate texts, prepare classes, mark homework. I hold my girls in my arms, kiss them, need them. I despair over the state of our home, screech like a harpy, cry.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

The autumn weather - despite being ridiculously mild - doesn't help. We've had endless rain, interspersed with only brief non-rain moments. The leaves are falling, mushing underfoot. The sky is grey, heavy with clouds, threatening rain. The air has the unmistakeable feel of dampness, decay, the dying of the light.

I feel pulled towards pretty, shiny things. Lovely things. Warm, delicious colours, inviting décors, comfort foods. Sexy men, cute animals, reassuring words. Thank God for Pinterest - the ideal place for seeking out beauty and comfort and fulfilment without spending a centime.

I'm an alien in just about every sense of the term (I don't actually come from another planet, though to most French people I guess Britain seems like one). A desperately poor, single, separated mother at a school full of rich, Catholic, happily-married couples. A freelancer that works hard, and is good at her job, yet can't earn enough to feed her family. A freak.

This coup de blues will pass, most likely once Christmas is over, once the days start to get longer again, once the sun starts to shine. But till then, all I want to do is hunker down and hibernate, leaving my lair only to gorge on chocolate and crappy TV.

Thank goodness there are music videos to watch and get weepy to...