Today's word is HOLIDAY.
It's a concept that's been on my mind for a while, what with the half-term break looming (it started - for the girls, anyway - last Friday; schools go back on Monday 14 March).
Last half-term (October-November) I took the girls to see my dearest friends in England and we had a great time. This time, D is taking the girls to Paris to stay with his mother. They leave tomorrow (Thursday) at lunchtime and will be back the Thursday after, around 6 pm.
I'm not sure that I'm ever going to get used to this shared parenting thing. It breaks my heart that they're going on holiday, with HIM, but without ME. These last few days (weeks, months), there's been a lot of shouting - I seem to have to spend all my time shouting at them, sometimes really shrieking, just to get them to do the smallest of things - yet the idea of them not being here is killing me.
I'm trying to convince myself that I'll use this week wisely. But we all know I most likely won't. I do have a shitload of work to do, and I'll be teaching as normal next week (my half-term from teaching is only this week), but I'd still like to get stuff done. Some tidying, some sorting, some packing (D's stuff, into boxes, out of my life), some (very, very minimal) DIY... But the most likely outcome is that I work, eat crap, stay up late and sleep all day.
What was yesterday's word, again? Oh, yeah. Right. Discipline.
Hmmmm
I'm also starting to think about the summer. I want to go away somewhere with the girls, like last year when we went to Bilbao. It wasn't ideal, but it was fun all the same. I'm thinking of Italy (dreaming of Italy, in fact) but right now, I can't do anything about it. First, I need dates from my friend J in England - they're coming to our area either around 23/7 for 10 days, or for two weeks from 13/8, so until I know their dates for sure I can't book anything. But I can't book anything anyway because I'm so seriously broke (one of my credit cards isn't working because of "insufficient funds"). I've taken on huge amounts of work to try and ease the overdraft, but it's a long term thing.
So, I'm dreaming of a holiday, of relaxing in the summer sun somewhere with my little girls; I'm dreading them going away this week and leaving me alone, but they leave tomorrow and I have to fold their clothes, kiss them goodnight one last time and wave them off without sobbing, which will be hard.
Holiday. A lovely word, full of promise and adventure. But only if you get to go.
mercredi 2 mars 2011
mardi 1 mars 2011
NaBloPoMo - take 3!
Yeah, it's always when I have the most work that I decide to do NaBloPoMo... but I'm thinking that maybe the discipline of trying to find something to write about every day for 31 days might be good for me.
This month's theme is "In a word" - so I'm going to dedicate today's post to the following word:
DISCIPLINE
It's something I fear is severely lacking from my life and I need to find some. Of course, it's a vicious circle: I need discipline to get my life back on track; but my life won't be back on track until I have some discipline (and a nice, strong man...but that's another story)...
Anyway. We'll see how it goes.
Part of this search for discipline means resisting the urge to go back to bed whenever the girls aren't around (quite often, as it happens, and they're off to Paris for a week with their father on Thursday). It's now 3 pm and I'm fighting that urge with all my heart - I think I'm going to have to go out and do something errand-y before I can contemplate getting down to some work.
The sun is shining, it looks and feels like spring; there are buds on the trees and the light is that bright, hopeful light so different from the dark sun of late summer and autumn.
A new year is dawning.
Let it be so.
dimanche 20 février 2011
Another great meme - all about MEEEEEEE
Yet another great meme from Avitable (where does he get them from?), and you all know I can't resist a good meme...
1. Do you have any scars? If so, pick one and explain how you got it.
I have a small scar on the palm of my left hand, kind of near my wrist, from when an A1 bitch at school decided to see what a stapler would do to skin - I was a total wimp and didn't fight her off nearly as much as I should have done and ended up with a staple in my hand. Hurt like hell for a little while, pissed blood like something from a horror film but of course wasn't at all serious. Nice, staple-sized scar though.
2. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Apart from dust, you mean? Right now, just a framed poem from my daughters to my ex for father's day. I'm hoping, one day, to get something I like up on the walls, but I'm pretty pathologically lazy so it's taking time...
3. Do you snore, grind your teeth, or talk in your sleep?
Not that I'm aware of, but who would know? I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid, but don't do that any more (and haven't for years, in fact).
4. What type of music do you listen to?
I'm pretty eclectic - sometimes it can be classical music (though never opera, can't stand it), or 1980s New Wave, or indie rock or modern pop... This last week, I've listened to Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, the Lost Boys sound track, Glee, Lady Antebellum, Madonna and the Smashing Pumpkins...
5. What time were you born?
From what I've been told, 6.30 am or thereabouts
6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Some TLC with a sexy man wouldn't go amiss. Failing that, an end to my allergy-related blocked up nose would be less sexy but pretty good too
7. What do you miss?
Being loved
8. What is/are your most prized possession(s)?
I love my books and souvenirs, and I'd be devastated to lose my photos
9. How tall are you?
About 5'8'' last time I checked
10. Do you get claustrophobic?
Not in the classic sense - my head is claustrophobic in those horrid rubbery swimming caps you have to wear in all swimming pools (here in France, anyway), otherwise, no
11. Do you get scared in the dark?
Sometimes
12. Who was the last person to make you cry?
A tough one as I'm pretty "à fleur de peau" right now and just about anything can make me cry; the last person was probably myself, in one of my woe-is-me moments that tend to happen late at night
13. What’s your worst fear?
That I end up spending the rest of my life alone
14. What kind of hair/eye color do you like on people who you’re attracted to?
When I was a young girl, I thought I was attracted to blond men with blue eyes, but in reality, when I look at the actors/musicians etc. I find sexy, they actually tend to have dark hair and either dark eyes or blue eyes (Johnny Depp, Pat Monahan, Montgomery Clift...)
15. Where can you see yourself proposing?
I can't ever imagine myself proposing to anyone - I'm 41 and have never had anyone ask me to marry them, I'm single (and possibly terminally so) and terribly shy and socially awkward, so me jumping in and popping the question just seems unrealistic doesn't it?
16. Do you like coffee or energy drinks?
I've never had an energy drink, and I can only drink very weak, milky coffee (I never order coffee when I'm out here - French coffee is so bitter it makes me wince just thinking about it), and rarely drink that. I prefer tea. Oh, and copious amounts of Diet Coke (is that an energy drink? It peps me up...)
17. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Ham and pineapple because it's a) hard to find here and b) the one most people hate so I don't have to share HA!
18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Well, now that you've mentioned pizza, I could quite fancy one of the those. Otherwise, some lasagna would be nice (it's lunchtime here and I haven't even had breakfast yet)
19. What is your favorite color?
Yellow, and purple, often together
20. Have you ever eaten a goldfish?
Why on earth would I ever have done that?
21. What was the first meaningful gift you’ve ever received?
My ex gave me a kitten back in 1997 and that was the best present I've ever received, though I'm not sure it was meaningful
22. Do you have a crush?
I have adolescent-type crushes on actors and musicians, none on people I actually know
23. Are you double jointed?
I very much doubt it. I was a seriously unathletic kid and do little exercise (apart from endless walking to and from work/school/town) now
24. What is your favorite clothing brand?
For myself, I tend to buy reasonably priced mail order stuff from La Redoute; for my daughters, I love Boden stuff
25. Who is your favorite female/male celebrity?
Favourite female celebrity? Hmm Probably Helena Bonham-Carter because she's naturally whacky, not just trying to be clever like Lady Gaga. HBC is also a wonderful actress, a very beautiful woman. Male celebrity? Well, for the last few months my crush has been on the delicious Pat Monahan, and there's no sign of it fading so far...
26. Do you have a pet right now?
Yes
27. What kind is it?
He's a rather chunky, very fluffy, vastly intelligent, deeply sensitive, totally adorable cat called Tom, the love of my life
28. Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving?
I don't think you can rationalise love like that. Either you fall in love or you don't; if the person's leaving, that's hard, but there's not much you can do about it
30. Say a number from 1 to 100?
Why?
31. Blondes or brunettes?
REDHEADS!
32. What is your favorite quote?
"Un homme seul est en mauvaise compagnie" Paul Valéry, a French poet from the region I live in (translates as "a man alone is in bad company")
33. What is your favorite place?
On a mundane level, my bed - I love being in bed, all my worries seem to fade. In a more geographical sense, I've always had a good time in Italy (been 3 times - Florence, Rome, Siena, Venice, Turin, Bergamo, Lake Como) and Lake Como is the most beautiful place I've ever been I think.
1. Do you have any scars? If so, pick one and explain how you got it.
I have a small scar on the palm of my left hand, kind of near my wrist, from when an A1 bitch at school decided to see what a stapler would do to skin - I was a total wimp and didn't fight her off nearly as much as I should have done and ended up with a staple in my hand. Hurt like hell for a little while, pissed blood like something from a horror film but of course wasn't at all serious. Nice, staple-sized scar though.
2. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Apart from dust, you mean? Right now, just a framed poem from my daughters to my ex for father's day. I'm hoping, one day, to get something I like up on the walls, but I'm pretty pathologically lazy so it's taking time...
3. Do you snore, grind your teeth, or talk in your sleep?
Not that I'm aware of, but who would know? I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid, but don't do that any more (and haven't for years, in fact).
4. What type of music do you listen to?
I'm pretty eclectic - sometimes it can be classical music (though never opera, can't stand it), or 1980s New Wave, or indie rock or modern pop... This last week, I've listened to Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, the Lost Boys sound track, Glee, Lady Antebellum, Madonna and the Smashing Pumpkins...
5. What time were you born?
From what I've been told, 6.30 am or thereabouts
6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Some TLC with a sexy man wouldn't go amiss. Failing that, an end to my allergy-related blocked up nose would be less sexy but pretty good too
7. What do you miss?
Being loved
8. What is/are your most prized possession(s)?
I love my books and souvenirs, and I'd be devastated to lose my photos
9. How tall are you?
About 5'8'' last time I checked
10. Do you get claustrophobic?
Not in the classic sense - my head is claustrophobic in those horrid rubbery swimming caps you have to wear in all swimming pools (here in France, anyway), otherwise, no
11. Do you get scared in the dark?
Sometimes
12. Who was the last person to make you cry?
A tough one as I'm pretty "à fleur de peau" right now and just about anything can make me cry; the last person was probably myself, in one of my woe-is-me moments that tend to happen late at night
13. What’s your worst fear?
That I end up spending the rest of my life alone
14. What kind of hair/eye color do you like on people who you’re attracted to?
When I was a young girl, I thought I was attracted to blond men with blue eyes, but in reality, when I look at the actors/musicians etc. I find sexy, they actually tend to have dark hair and either dark eyes or blue eyes (Johnny Depp, Pat Monahan, Montgomery Clift...)
15. Where can you see yourself proposing?
I can't ever imagine myself proposing to anyone - I'm 41 and have never had anyone ask me to marry them, I'm single (and possibly terminally so) and terribly shy and socially awkward, so me jumping in and popping the question just seems unrealistic doesn't it?
16. Do you like coffee or energy drinks?
I've never had an energy drink, and I can only drink very weak, milky coffee (I never order coffee when I'm out here - French coffee is so bitter it makes me wince just thinking about it), and rarely drink that. I prefer tea. Oh, and copious amounts of Diet Coke (is that an energy drink? It peps me up...)
17. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Ham and pineapple because it's a) hard to find here and b) the one most people hate so I don't have to share HA!
18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Well, now that you've mentioned pizza, I could quite fancy one of the those. Otherwise, some lasagna would be nice (it's lunchtime here and I haven't even had breakfast yet)
19. What is your favorite color?
Yellow, and purple, often together
20. Have you ever eaten a goldfish?
Why on earth would I ever have done that?
21. What was the first meaningful gift you’ve ever received?
My ex gave me a kitten back in 1997 and that was the best present I've ever received, though I'm not sure it was meaningful
22. Do you have a crush?
I have adolescent-type crushes on actors and musicians, none on people I actually know
23. Are you double jointed?
I very much doubt it. I was a seriously unathletic kid and do little exercise (apart from endless walking to and from work/school/town) now
24. What is your favorite clothing brand?
For myself, I tend to buy reasonably priced mail order stuff from La Redoute; for my daughters, I love Boden stuff
25. Who is your favorite female/male celebrity?
Favourite female celebrity? Hmm Probably Helena Bonham-Carter because she's naturally whacky, not just trying to be clever like Lady Gaga. HBC is also a wonderful actress, a very beautiful woman. Male celebrity? Well, for the last few months my crush has been on the delicious Pat Monahan, and there's no sign of it fading so far...
26. Do you have a pet right now?
Yes
27. What kind is it?
He's a rather chunky, very fluffy, vastly intelligent, deeply sensitive, totally adorable cat called Tom, the love of my life
28. Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving?
I don't think you can rationalise love like that. Either you fall in love or you don't; if the person's leaving, that's hard, but there's not much you can do about it
30. Say a number from 1 to 100?
Why?
31. Blondes or brunettes?
REDHEADS!
32. What is your favorite quote?
"Un homme seul est en mauvaise compagnie" Paul Valéry, a French poet from the region I live in (translates as "a man alone is in bad company")
33. What is your favorite place?
On a mundane level, my bed - I love being in bed, all my worries seem to fade. In a more geographical sense, I've always had a good time in Italy (been 3 times - Florence, Rome, Siena, Venice, Turin, Bergamo, Lake Como) and Lake Como is the most beautiful place I've ever been I think.
mercredi 16 février 2011
Gotta get a grip
It's just turned 6 am and I haven't been to bed yet (and won't be able to till tonight). I'm not bragging about this because I just spent a wild night partying with the Beautiful People (I didn't), in fact I'm pretty ashamed of my stupidity. It's just that as soon as night falls (and the Munchkins are in bed - usually hideously late as I suspect they're night owls at heart like I am) I get a second wind. I start surfing, Tweeting, Facebooking, YouTubing (and, more often than not, working) and suddenly I realise dawn is breaking, or the cat's demanding food and yup, another night has passed.
I suspect it has something to do with loneliness. At the risk of boring you "all" to death once again with lyrics by Train (I'm sorry, Pat Monahan just seems to write what I'm feeling...), this captures it perfectly: "The days are better, the nights are still so lonely... sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road". I miss having a man about the house, I miss being held in someone's arms, I miss being allowed to not be strong and in control all the time, I miss being loved by someone other than my daughters.
Don't get me wrong, the love of my daughters means the world to me, and I love them more than anything. But I'm not talking about that kind of love. I'm talking about the romance kind of love.
St Valentine's Day has been and gone and didn't actually depress me half as much as I thought it would. It was OK, even. I even got a virtual card - from the delightful Avitable who very kindly agreed to be my virtual Valentine. The card was no doubt sent out to hundreds of his fans, but it cheered me up no end and brought a smile to my face. It's not love, but it was love-ly all the same.
But the fact remains, I miss being in a couple. 14 years with one person is a long time by anyone's standards, and finding yourself alone after that is tough. So yeah, I'm not too proud to admit that I'm lonely as hell and would love to have a man in my life again.
The big problem of course is how to accomplish this. I have no social life to speak of (I've been "out" two Saturday nights in a row - once to dinner with parents from school: 3 couples and me; once with my daughters to a pirate-themed restaurant where the waiter flirted with me mildly because I suspect he felt sorry for me, sitting alone while the girls disappeared into the play area), I work from home or in the language department (with mainly female colleagues) of the universities, I rarely leave the house. How am I supposed to meet the man of my dreams like this?
The solution has therefore been to create a full fantasy world in my head. I'm not going to write the details here, they're way to personal and private, but believe me, it's a world where I am loved by a man, and that man doesn't suspect me of heinous crimes, doesn't slap me, doesn't distrust me in everything I do. An ideal world, almost certainly, but the best I can do for now.
I'm getting kind of addicted to FaceBook and Twitter - my access to the "world". On Twitter, I feel like I'm making "friends" with people I don't really know, but with whom I can sense an affinity of sorts. I've caught up with friends from my youth on FB and have re-established contact. It feels good, it makes me feel in touch with a life outside of my own. I've also made contact with musicians I like, bloggers I like, etc. We communicate, a little, not often, just enough.
But the void remains in my life, my "real" life. I'd like to think that one day this virtual man will become real too, but I know I mustn't raise my hopes as the wait is likely to be a long one.
Till then, I'll continue getting by, living in my fantasy world, my Internet world and my lonely real world.
I suspect it has something to do with loneliness. At the risk of boring you "all" to death once again with lyrics by Train (I'm sorry, Pat Monahan just seems to write what I'm feeling...), this captures it perfectly: "The days are better, the nights are still so lonely... sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road". I miss having a man about the house, I miss being held in someone's arms, I miss being allowed to not be strong and in control all the time, I miss being loved by someone other than my daughters.
Don't get me wrong, the love of my daughters means the world to me, and I love them more than anything. But I'm not talking about that kind of love. I'm talking about the romance kind of love.
St Valentine's Day has been and gone and didn't actually depress me half as much as I thought it would. It was OK, even. I even got a virtual card - from the delightful Avitable who very kindly agreed to be my virtual Valentine. The card was no doubt sent out to hundreds of his fans, but it cheered me up no end and brought a smile to my face. It's not love, but it was love-ly all the same.
But the fact remains, I miss being in a couple. 14 years with one person is a long time by anyone's standards, and finding yourself alone after that is tough. So yeah, I'm not too proud to admit that I'm lonely as hell and would love to have a man in my life again.
The big problem of course is how to accomplish this. I have no social life to speak of (I've been "out" two Saturday nights in a row - once to dinner with parents from school: 3 couples and me; once with my daughters to a pirate-themed restaurant where the waiter flirted with me mildly because I suspect he felt sorry for me, sitting alone while the girls disappeared into the play area), I work from home or in the language department (with mainly female colleagues) of the universities, I rarely leave the house. How am I supposed to meet the man of my dreams like this?
The solution has therefore been to create a full fantasy world in my head. I'm not going to write the details here, they're way to personal and private, but believe me, it's a world where I am loved by a man, and that man doesn't suspect me of heinous crimes, doesn't slap me, doesn't distrust me in everything I do. An ideal world, almost certainly, but the best I can do for now.
I'm getting kind of addicted to FaceBook and Twitter - my access to the "world". On Twitter, I feel like I'm making "friends" with people I don't really know, but with whom I can sense an affinity of sorts. I've caught up with friends from my youth on FB and have re-established contact. It feels good, it makes me feel in touch with a life outside of my own. I've also made contact with musicians I like, bloggers I like, etc. We communicate, a little, not often, just enough.
But the void remains in my life, my "real" life. I'd like to think that one day this virtual man will become real too, but I know I mustn't raise my hopes as the wait is likely to be a long one.
Till then, I'll continue getting by, living in my fantasy world, my Internet world and my lonely real world.
samedi 12 février 2011
Film meme
I got this meme from Avitable and, like him, have no intention of writing 31 different (daily!) posts on this - I'd be sure to forget a day and that would really piss off my possibly OCD self.
So here goes:
Day #1: Favorite Movie – Grease
Day #2: Least Favorite Movie – a tie between The Hole, Requiem for a Dream and American Psycho
Day #3: Favorite Comedy – The Full Monty
Day #4: Favorite Adventure – Jurassic Park
Day #5: Favorite Horror – Psycho
Day #6: Favorite Suspense/Thriller – Memento
Day #7: Favorite Animated Movie – Madagascar
Day #8: Favorite Guilty Pleasure – The Jazz singer (love me some Neil Diamond...)
Day #9: A Movie You Never Expected To Love – Breaking the Waves (heartbreaking)
Day #10: Biggest Let-Down – The Beach (the book was sooooo much better)
Day #11: First Movie You Saw In Theaters – Bambi (I think)
Day #12: The Last Movie You Saw In Theaters – Hereafter
Day #13: Favorite Documentary – none that I can think of
Day #14: Favorite Satire – The Life of Brian (does this count as a satire?)
Day #15: A Movie With Your Favorite Actor – Don Juan di Marco (Johnny Depp)
Day #16: Favorite Movie Based On A Book – One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (great film, but the book is even better)
Day #17: Favorite Movie With An Actor You Hate – Stalingrad (Jude Law - aarrrggh)
Day #18: Movie You Can Watch On Loop – Hairspray (the John Travolta/Christopher Walken version)
Day #19: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Event – Sommersby
Day #20: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Figure – A Man for All Seasons (old film, but a great one)
Day #21: Favorite Musical – Moulin Rouge (I would say Grease again, but I'm striving for variety!)
Day #22: Most Over-Rated Movie – Amélie (bugs the shit out of me, even though everyone else seems to love it)
Day #23: Most Under-Rated Movie – The Singer not the Song (Dirk Bogard at his finest)
Day #24: Movie With Best Soundtrack – Good Morning, England (excellent, excellent music all the way through - and a great film to boot)
Day #25: Favorite Black and White Movie – Casablanca
Day #26: Cheesiest Horror Movie – The Lost Boys (reminds me of my student days!)
Day #27: Favorite Oscar-Winning Movie – American Beauty
Day #28: Favorite Made-For-Television Movie – can't think of any
Day #29: Favorite Movie Based On A Television Series – can't think of one of these, either
Day #30: Favorite Re-Make – Hairspray
Day #31: Favorite Sequel – Ice Age 2
This is remarkably hard to do, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give the same answers twice (not for all of these, anyway - though Grease would still be my favourite film!). But it really made me think...
So here goes:
Day #1: Favorite Movie – Grease
Day #2: Least Favorite Movie – a tie between The Hole, Requiem for a Dream and American Psycho
Day #3: Favorite Comedy – The Full Monty
Day #4: Favorite Adventure – Jurassic Park
Day #5: Favorite Horror – Psycho
Day #6: Favorite Suspense/Thriller – Memento
Day #7: Favorite Animated Movie – Madagascar
Day #8: Favorite Guilty Pleasure – The Jazz singer (love me some Neil Diamond...)
Day #9: A Movie You Never Expected To Love – Breaking the Waves (heartbreaking)
Day #10: Biggest Let-Down – The Beach (the book was sooooo much better)
Day #11: First Movie You Saw In Theaters – Bambi (I think)
Day #12: The Last Movie You Saw In Theaters – Hereafter
Day #13: Favorite Documentary – none that I can think of
Day #14: Favorite Satire – The Life of Brian (does this count as a satire?)
Day #15: A Movie With Your Favorite Actor – Don Juan di Marco (Johnny Depp)
Day #16: Favorite Movie Based On A Book – One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (great film, but the book is even better)
Day #17: Favorite Movie With An Actor You Hate – Stalingrad (Jude Law - aarrrggh)
Day #18: Movie You Can Watch On Loop – Hairspray (the John Travolta/Christopher Walken version)
Day #19: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Event – Sommersby
Day #20: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Figure – A Man for All Seasons (old film, but a great one)
Day #21: Favorite Musical – Moulin Rouge (I would say Grease again, but I'm striving for variety!)
Day #22: Most Over-Rated Movie – Amélie (bugs the shit out of me, even though everyone else seems to love it)
Day #23: Most Under-Rated Movie – The Singer not the Song (Dirk Bogard at his finest)
Day #24: Movie With Best Soundtrack – Good Morning, England (excellent, excellent music all the way through - and a great film to boot)
Day #25: Favorite Black and White Movie – Casablanca
Day #26: Cheesiest Horror Movie – The Lost Boys (reminds me of my student days!)
Day #27: Favorite Oscar-Winning Movie – American Beauty
Day #28: Favorite Made-For-Television Movie – can't think of any
Day #29: Favorite Movie Based On A Television Series – can't think of one of these, either
Day #30: Favorite Re-Make – Hairspray
Day #31: Favorite Sequel – Ice Age 2
This is remarkably hard to do, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give the same answers twice (not for all of these, anyway - though Grease would still be my favourite film!). But it really made me think...
mercredi 9 février 2011
OMG A new post at last!
OK, OK, it's now 9 Feb and this is my first post of 2011... Total fail, I know. But well. Nothing much to write, except more of the same (you know, bla, bla, lonely, bla, bla, miserable, bla, bla, fighting with my daughters, bla, bla, too much work...). So what's the point?
Well, the point is... errr... there's no point. This is my blog, I don't need to have a point. I can just write here, say what I want and not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks (especially as virtually no one reads this shit anyway).
Winter has been pretty kind to this part of the world. There have been a few cold days, but more mild ones; a few rainy days, but waaaaay more sunny ones; and, of course, no snow days at all. Yet. I can't help long for the warm sun of spring and summer; I can't wait to start planning the summer holiday (I can't do it yet as friends are coming and I need to know their dates first). One thing is sure - no BlogHer in San Diego for me, I simply can't afford it. Maybe next year (in the hope BlogHer 2012 might be on the east coast rather than California). But I am hoping to take the girls to Italy, maybe via a friend near Marseille...
I'm also planning to turn my life around. I know I've said this before, and virtually nothing has come of it, but the process has started - I've started the big "tidy up", you just can't tell yet. I've been forced to do my accounts for 2010, so for once I'm up to date before tax season starts (this is a first); I'm going to get all my teaching materials sorted out, finish tidying the kitchen (which is already pretty good), do my room... I'd like to move furniture around, make the place FEEL different. I want to change the locks on the front door as D still has a set of keys and I don't like that ONE BIT. I want to paint walls, put up curtains, soften the lighting... CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE. I want to get a real haircut (not just a trim), I want to get a proper dinner service (even if it's just an IKEA one)...
This is all random and unstructured, but it's 4.30 am, I'm exhausted, drowning in texts to translate and totally incapable (still) of going to bed at a decent time.
*sigh*
I'm trying my hardest to make 2011 a better year than 2010, but it's hard, and isn't working so far (lots of tears - lots of songs make me cry, and the imminent St Valentine's day isn't helping), but I intend to persist. I'm going to make it happier - somehow.
But I can't help wishing, deep down inside, that there was a man who could love me, help me, comfort me, share jokes and chocolate with me, make me feel special. The frightening part is that it's unlikely that that will ever happen - and I'm really struggling to accept it.
Well, the point is... errr... there's no point. This is my blog, I don't need to have a point. I can just write here, say what I want and not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks (especially as virtually no one reads this shit anyway).
Winter has been pretty kind to this part of the world. There have been a few cold days, but more mild ones; a few rainy days, but waaaaay more sunny ones; and, of course, no snow days at all. Yet. I can't help long for the warm sun of spring and summer; I can't wait to start planning the summer holiday (I can't do it yet as friends are coming and I need to know their dates first). One thing is sure - no BlogHer in San Diego for me, I simply can't afford it. Maybe next year (in the hope BlogHer 2012 might be on the east coast rather than California). But I am hoping to take the girls to Italy, maybe via a friend near Marseille...
I'm also planning to turn my life around. I know I've said this before, and virtually nothing has come of it, but the process has started - I've started the big "tidy up", you just can't tell yet. I've been forced to do my accounts for 2010, so for once I'm up to date before tax season starts (this is a first); I'm going to get all my teaching materials sorted out, finish tidying the kitchen (which is already pretty good), do my room... I'd like to move furniture around, make the place FEEL different. I want to change the locks on the front door as D still has a set of keys and I don't like that ONE BIT. I want to paint walls, put up curtains, soften the lighting... CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE. I want to get a real haircut (not just a trim), I want to get a proper dinner service (even if it's just an IKEA one)...
This is all random and unstructured, but it's 4.30 am, I'm exhausted, drowning in texts to translate and totally incapable (still) of going to bed at a decent time.
*sigh*
I'm trying my hardest to make 2011 a better year than 2010, but it's hard, and isn't working so far (lots of tears - lots of songs make me cry, and the imminent St Valentine's day isn't helping), but I intend to persist. I'm going to make it happier - somehow.
But I can't help wishing, deep down inside, that there was a man who could love me, help me, comfort me, share jokes and chocolate with me, make me feel special. The frightening part is that it's unlikely that that will ever happen - and I'm really struggling to accept it.
mercredi 29 décembre 2010
New Year's questionnaire (re- re-)
Sorry to have been MIA for so long - my ex has access to this blog (he found it on my computer before he moved out and has probably bookmarked it) and I've felt really awkward about writing here ever since. I'm not actually sure what to do with this blog - it WAS my private place to rant and moan about my life, but now I feel that I can't do it any more...
Anyway. I'll think of something, eventually.
In the meanwhile, here's my bright and cheery (that would be a surprise, wouldn't it?) review of this fantastic year. Such a shame you can't show irony in the written word...
I have the sneaking suspicion that this year's answers will have a little more substance than last year's pretty pathetic showing...
Thanks again to Linda for this...
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
On the trivial side, I made mince pies for the first time ever and they were pretty damn good. At a more serious level, this was the first year that I took the girls on holiday on my own (and I did it twice!)
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really keep my resolutions because this year went so badly pear-shaped. As a result, I'll probably use them again for 2011 and hope I fare better
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES! One of my very, very best friends had a little girl on 14 July, another close friend had a little girl on 2 August, and a friend through work with whom I get on well even though we rarely see each other had a little girl on 13 October
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Two of my neighbours died - the first was an elderly man (78) whom I didn't know particularly well, the second was a good friend who battled anorexia, cancer and depression before finally killing herself with hydrochloric acid, dying in early January. Very sad
5. What countries did you visit?
At the risk of sounding boring, England and Spain
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
This is easy - the love of a sane, intelligent, financially independent, funny, charming, sexy man
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
Another easy one: 01 May will always be the day my partner of 14 years finally walked out on me (having threatened to do so several times in the previous weeks), turning my entire world upsidedown
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving it
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being a better mother and housekeeper
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing except from horrendous allergies all the time, at their worst in February-March
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new (laptop) computer
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Can't think of anyone in particular
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My ex on certain occasions - his behaviour (essentially his words, but on occasion his actions too) hurt me to the core, appalled me, shocked me and yes, made me very depressed. Not all the time, obviously, but yeah, all the same
14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying bills, social contributions, taxes, loans, household stuff - all very dull and boring
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The thought of attending BlogHer in August 2011, though I doubt I'll have the courage
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Pat Monahan's "Great Escape" - I posted a video of him singing it live on Facebook and dedicated it to all those who have helped me survive this horrid year
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much, much sadder
b) thinner or fatter? About the same, I should think
c) richer or poorer? Also about the same - too in debt, anyway
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Seeing friends I really care about
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying - but it wasn't exactly by choice
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve I spent alone, wrapping presents, while the girls were with their dad and his mother (I was invited, but couldn't face the thought of it); Christmas Day morning the girls opened their presents with me, then spent the afternoon with their dad and had our Christmas meal with me in the evening. It wasn't a great Christmas, even if the girls seemed to enjoy it (which I suppose is the main thing)
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
With an actual person I know personally? No
With a rock star who strikes me as the perfect man? Yes, totally
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
In France, I watched and enjoyed MasterChef for the first time; via iTunes and DVD, I watched and loved Glee
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No (no, really - I don't hate my ex - we were together for 14 years for God's sake - but I DO hate what he's done to me, to us, to our daughters, our lives)
24. What was the best book you read?
I enjoyed Sebastian Faulks' "A Week in December"
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hardly a discovery given that the band was formed in 1994 and has been having huge hits since 2001, but I didn't know Train or Pat Monahan before (though I had heard "Drops of Jupiter" and loved it, just didn't know who it was by) and have now become obsessed
26. What did you want and get?
I asked for Michael Bublé CDs and got two of them from my dad at Christmas; in 2009, for my 40th birthday, I asked for a spa day but never got it, then, this Christmas, my ex bizarrely gave me a weekend for two of spa treatments. No idea how he managed it, nor why he would give me such an extravagant gift in the current circumstances. So I'm perplexed and unsure of what to do, but yeah, I have a written IOU for it, so I suppose it's real...
27. What did you want and not get?
Love and affection
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Didn't see many (certainly not grown-up films), but I really enjoyed "The Princess and the Frog"
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was a crap, wretched day - my ex left me 17 days before, my daughters forgot and didn't wish me a happy birthday when they saw me in the morning, my ex did nothing to help/encourage them to do anything like make a card, my dad was here and I had to try and pretend all was hunky-dory so he wouldn't worry about me. The girls had lunch with my dad and me, but there was no cake, no singing, not much of anything, in fact. I turned 41 and it was most definitely a birthday to forget
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being loved
31.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Doing the best I can with what I've got
32. What kept you sane?
Keeping in touch with friends via Facebook and knowing they care
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pat Monahan
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Politics rarely stirs me - I'm just not interested
35. Who did you miss?
My friends in England - I don't see them nearly often enough
36. Who was the best new person you met?
One of my colleagues at the university - Cathy. A lovely American woman
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010
Just because you've shared your life in its entirety with someone for 14 years doesn't mean you can trust them or count on them - it can all go pear-shaped in the blink of an eye
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
For once, this is easy: it's from Train's early hit, "Meet Virginia":
She pulls her hair back as she screams, "I don't really want to live this life!"
Here's to hoping that next year's questionnaire will be a little more upbeat! Happy 2011 to you all!
Anyway. I'll think of something, eventually.
In the meanwhile, here's my bright and cheery (that would be a surprise, wouldn't it?) review of this fantastic year. Such a shame you can't show irony in the written word...
I have the sneaking suspicion that this year's answers will have a little more substance than last year's pretty pathetic showing...
Thanks again to Linda for this...
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
On the trivial side, I made mince pies for the first time ever and they were pretty damn good. At a more serious level, this was the first year that I took the girls on holiday on my own (and I did it twice!)
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really keep my resolutions because this year went so badly pear-shaped. As a result, I'll probably use them again for 2011 and hope I fare better
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES! One of my very, very best friends had a little girl on 14 July, another close friend had a little girl on 2 August, and a friend through work with whom I get on well even though we rarely see each other had a little girl on 13 October
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Two of my neighbours died - the first was an elderly man (78) whom I didn't know particularly well, the second was a good friend who battled anorexia, cancer and depression before finally killing herself with hydrochloric acid, dying in early January. Very sad
5. What countries did you visit?
At the risk of sounding boring, England and Spain
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
This is easy - the love of a sane, intelligent, financially independent, funny, charming, sexy man
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
Another easy one: 01 May will always be the day my partner of 14 years finally walked out on me (having threatened to do so several times in the previous weeks), turning my entire world upsidedown
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving it
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being a better mother and housekeeper
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing except from horrendous allergies all the time, at their worst in February-March
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new (laptop) computer
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Can't think of anyone in particular
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My ex on certain occasions - his behaviour (essentially his words, but on occasion his actions too) hurt me to the core, appalled me, shocked me and yes, made me very depressed. Not all the time, obviously, but yeah, all the same
14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying bills, social contributions, taxes, loans, household stuff - all very dull and boring
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The thought of attending BlogHer in August 2011, though I doubt I'll have the courage
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Pat Monahan's "Great Escape" - I posted a video of him singing it live on Facebook and dedicated it to all those who have helped me survive this horrid year
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much, much sadder
b) thinner or fatter? About the same, I should think
c) richer or poorer? Also about the same - too in debt, anyway
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Seeing friends I really care about
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying - but it wasn't exactly by choice
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve I spent alone, wrapping presents, while the girls were with their dad and his mother (I was invited, but couldn't face the thought of it); Christmas Day morning the girls opened their presents with me, then spent the afternoon with their dad and had our Christmas meal with me in the evening. It wasn't a great Christmas, even if the girls seemed to enjoy it (which I suppose is the main thing)
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
With an actual person I know personally? No
With a rock star who strikes me as the perfect man? Yes, totally
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
In France, I watched and enjoyed MasterChef for the first time; via iTunes and DVD, I watched and loved Glee
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No (no, really - I don't hate my ex - we were together for 14 years for God's sake - but I DO hate what he's done to me, to us, to our daughters, our lives)
24. What was the best book you read?
I enjoyed Sebastian Faulks' "A Week in December"
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hardly a discovery given that the band was formed in 1994 and has been having huge hits since 2001, but I didn't know Train or Pat Monahan before (though I had heard "Drops of Jupiter" and loved it, just didn't know who it was by) and have now become obsessed
26. What did you want and get?
I asked for Michael Bublé CDs and got two of them from my dad at Christmas; in 2009, for my 40th birthday, I asked for a spa day but never got it, then, this Christmas, my ex bizarrely gave me a weekend for two of spa treatments. No idea how he managed it, nor why he would give me such an extravagant gift in the current circumstances. So I'm perplexed and unsure of what to do, but yeah, I have a written IOU for it, so I suppose it's real...
27. What did you want and not get?
Love and affection
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Didn't see many (certainly not grown-up films), but I really enjoyed "The Princess and the Frog"
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was a crap, wretched day - my ex left me 17 days before, my daughters forgot and didn't wish me a happy birthday when they saw me in the morning, my ex did nothing to help/encourage them to do anything like make a card, my dad was here and I had to try and pretend all was hunky-dory so he wouldn't worry about me. The girls had lunch with my dad and me, but there was no cake, no singing, not much of anything, in fact. I turned 41 and it was most definitely a birthday to forget
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being loved
31.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Doing the best I can with what I've got
32. What kept you sane?
Keeping in touch with friends via Facebook and knowing they care
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pat Monahan
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Politics rarely stirs me - I'm just not interested
35. Who did you miss?
My friends in England - I don't see them nearly often enough
36. Who was the best new person you met?
One of my colleagues at the university - Cathy. A lovely American woman
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010
Just because you've shared your life in its entirety with someone for 14 years doesn't mean you can trust them or count on them - it can all go pear-shaped in the blink of an eye
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
For once, this is easy: it's from Train's early hit, "Meet Virginia":
She pulls her hair back as she screams, "I don't really want to live this life!"
Here's to hoping that next year's questionnaire will be a little more upbeat! Happy 2011 to you all!
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