Hanging in

Nothing's really changed (except the weather, which is no longer summer but most definitely autumn), but I'm feeling a little less panicked. Possibly because of what my commenter said in my response to my last post (thank you!), possibly because a couple of clients have paid me and more are probably set to do so in the next few days, possibly because (as a result) one of my bank accounts is actually in the black, possibly because I just spent a shitload of money (that I don't really have) on our upcoming trip to Scotland for Christmas, possibly just because I seem to have come through the weird cold-flu-type thing I had for a few days (was it H1N1? Who knows. But I felt mildly crap and now feel better, so that's the main thing).

Anyway. Life looks a little less bleak. D had a job to do this week (230 Euros!) and will be getting the remainder of an inheritance sometime in the future (450 Euros!), all of which is good news. The girls are in good shape, though tired (school holidays again soon - next Friday, in fact), they really are developping good friends and that makes me very happy. I'm sort of on top of my work load and have eaten less crap than usual this week. But I am really, really tired.

I've even sort of started Christmas shopping (not because I'm particularly organised, it's just a means of spreading the spending out over a number of weeks, rather than just the second half of December). Obviously, I haven't done much - a book each for the girls and a Winx drawing book thing for C, but it's a start. And I'm hoping to get a few more bits and pieces done as the weeks go by. And yes, I'm really looking forward to going to Scotland (especially as it means two nights in a hotel - one in Girona on the way out, the other in Birmingham on the way back). I just hope my sweet Daddy can rent us a car for a few days to give us some freedom!

So yes. Things are improving. Of course, I still have shitloads of money to pay out, and not much money to do it with, but I may just about break even, if I'm lucky.

But I'll be glad to see the back of 2009 all the same!

Screwed

My life feels like it's such a mess right now. I'm at my wits' end, I really am.

Money is the number one cause of stress, of course. Every piece of mail I seem to get is someone asking me for money. Money that I don't have.

Clients are dragging their feet about paying me, but even when the money comes in, I'll still be in debt all over the place. D has borrowed money from his best friend, and I haven't the least idea when we'll be able to pay him back. I have to buy plane tickets for Scotland for Christmas (and my wonderful Daddy already gave me 500 € for that - all of which has been sucked into my gaping overdrafts) and haven't a bean to my name. I have my VAT bill to pay, rent for our garage, the rest of our roof payments, car payments, social contributions...

I'm drowning in debt and worry and stress.

Plus, all this stress and worry makes me do crap stuff like eat like a pig (crisps! biscuits! junk food!), go back to my ridiculous hours (yes, it's 3 am here yet again) and buy stuff I don't really need on credit (more credit! more debt! yeah!).

D's in a funk about his "career" and is claiming that he's going to really start looking for a job, any job, anything to earn some money. And boy, do I ever need that. If he could earn just 1000 € a month on a regular basis I reckon we'd be OK. Or at least OK enough for me not to have to worry myself to death all the time.

I've had loads of work, my teaching schedule is hard (up at 6.30 on Mondays, teaching from 8 till 3.15, then two hours on Thursdays, plus preparing classes, marking homework, bla, bla, bla) and I really don't think I can do much more - clients that pay more, and quicker, would be nice, but I can't see it happening, I really can't.

I'm snappy and snarky and impatient with my sweet girls, I'm embarrassed that we're so poor (especially with them in such a swanky school), I feel like a total failure. And oh, so very alone!

Life is not cool right now, and the future is looking pretty dark.

Help.

Addiction

Confession time.

I am an addict. A total, time-wasting, life-screwing-up, addict.

And the culprit? GAMEDUELL.

OK, I'm not exactly a hardcore user yet as I'm waaaaayyyy too mean to actually play any of the games for actual money (they give you a "free" 10 Euro starter, and I'm down to 1.10 Euro, so I've stopped there), but still. I have wasted many, many late-night hours on this stupid site and their stupid games. That I'm not even very good at. Dammit!

So, in hommage to Nancy Reagan all those years ago (that dates me, doesn't it?), JUST SAY NO and DON'T GO THERE!

You have been warned.

Home free!

As in, my HOME is now FREE of guests! And it is bliss! And I'll be able to sleep in my own bed at last tonight (even if it means changing bed sheets for the 8th time (certain of those times involving changing the sheets on TWO BEDS AT ONCE) in less than a month. And oh! all the laundry this has involved... Martha Stewart eat your heart out!).
To be fair, my dreaded MIL's visit was probably OK. We didn't even actually argue, although I came close this morning when she came out with the sweeping generalisation that "when I was a child (i.e. in the 1940s and 50s) everyone went on holiday in the summer for a month, and with my mother we always went for much longer" which is such bourgeois crap that it made my blood boil - my grandparents, on both sides, were barely making ends meet at that time, and certainly didn't have the money to own a holiday home in the country, and I'm pretty sure most people here in wealthier France didn't either. The woman is so completely clueless about life that it drives me batshit.
But as I was saying, the visit probably went OK if I'm truthful.
And at least we won't have to see her for quite a few months now, if I play my cards right (didn't have the heart to tell her we're going to my dad's for Christmas, though she was with us last year so it's only fair).
To make the day even better, summer has returned with a vengeance and it's now really hot here again - FABULOUS! Even if I have shitloads of work and 2 more sets of sheets to wash...
Really, this evening, I feel as free as a bird!

Here; oh, so very much HERE

Yup, you guessed it. My MIL arrived last night (thank God I had a PTA meeting till 10.30 pm and then had to come home and work) and is already driving me TOTALLY BATSHIT CRAZY. Nothing "bad" has happened (yet), but I've never met anyone who takes so long to do things, who feels the need to provide you with a running commentary of everything she does (yes, and that includes bowel movements. TMI, I know, but if I have to put up with it, I feel it's only fair that you should too), who spends so much time thinking/talking/preparing and eating food, who finds a way to criticise just about everything (the blanket on the bed, the temperature...), and who just bugs me by simply being.
I'm becoming bitter and twisted, I know, but THAT'S THE EFFECT SHE HAS ON ME.
Roll on Thursday, that's what I say.

She's done it again

You know who I mean. Yes, my MIL from hell.
Her holiday plans this year were devised (so I believe in my paranoid little corner of the world) solely to bug me shitless.
We specifically told her not to come in the first two weeks of September because it wouldn't be convenient for us. So when did she arrive? Yup, 5 September. And no, it wasn't convenient because my dad was here. But we survived.
Then there's the fact that no return-to-Paris date was mentioned. Then she casually dropped it into the conversation that her friend (a nice lady she spent the first two weeks with) was going back to Paris on the 19th (yesterday) but that she "hadn't decided what she'd be doing next". Grrrr.
She then spent last night with a friend who - of course - just happens to live here in Montpellier, and she said she'd stay there till Tuesday, before going to Barcelona to see family. Her plan was then to come back here next Friday, spend 3 nights (because of course we said she could spend NO MORE than 2 with us) with us and head back up to Paris on Monday afternoon (28.09).
Then she phoned back an hour later to say that in fact she's too tired (from what? She's done nothing for 2 weeks...) to go to Barcelona and will now be arriving here, with us, TOMORROW night.
The only plus points to this that I can see are that a) the ordeal will be over quicker as a result and b) she'll only be here till Wednesday, which is actually only 2 nights.
On the down side are the fact that the girls will be in bed too late with her here, I'm not prepared and have had to wash yet more sheets, I'll have to make and remake beds all week again and tomorrow just isn't convenient for me as I'm teaching and have a PTA meeting in the afternoon, followed by the PTA general assembly all evening.
I swear, this woman is enough to drive anyone to drink.
I'm hoping, of course, that we have a major argument (yes, I'm evil) so that we can be rid of her for a few months.
Grrrrrrrrr

Happy families

Had a real "family" day today. OK, D wasn't around (doing a training course that we can't afford and which is unlikely to bring him any work, but what the hell), but the girls and I did a lot of "nice" stuff.
We were out quite early (by our standards) and took the tram into the city centre. We ordered some photo prints for my MIL (my good deed for the day) and then we bought a birthday present for one of C's friends and, at the same time, I bought a couple of books for the girls (no special reason, we almost certainly can't afford it and, although they've been behaving pretty well recently, there's no "deserve" involved, it's just that I'm a sucker for buying things for them). After that, we went and had lunch at a cafeteria place they really enjoy, before heading out to the city centre play area for half an hour.
At 2 pm we headed off to the cinema and saw (at last!) "Up", which I really enjoyed, although both girls were really scared (I know, I know), with L sobbing quite hysterically for a good part of the last half of the film. I don't know why they're such scaredy cats, but it's really getting out of hand... Still, once we were outside, they both claimed to have enjoyed the film, so go figure.
And finally, after the cinema, we rushed off to the other tram line, caught a tram to a park just outside the city centre and spent 3 and a half very nice hours at the aforementioned friend's birthday party.
I have to say I'm not wild about this kid. She's not at the girls' school, and is actually a year younger than C, but they've been friends since they were 2-ish. It's just that this kid is bossy, domineering, physical and yet a crybaby at the same time. She's not a bad kid (not like you-know-who), but too different from my sweet C.
However, I do like her parents, so we maintain the connection and they really are pretty good friends of ours.
So, quite a good day, I'd say. I didn't lose my temper much, I wasn't particularly snarly or impatient, I don't have much work to do so I wasn't overly stressed... An OK day, even quite a good one!