Fantasy Island

Had a big argument with D (by phone, me outside, walking to work at the university - great way to calm my "first day with a new class" nerves...) about, you guessed it, shared custody. He denies it, but he once again accused me of something ("tu penses pas que t'as fait assez de conneries..."), but now refuses to explain what he means. And he's got me worried that he's got some kind of below-the-belt thing up his sleeve (that's a metaphor that really doesn't work, but I'm sure you get what I mean).

So, to stop myself from going totally batshit insane, I'm gradually retreating into a fantasy world. No, not completely - I still get my work done, get the shopping done, do laundry, cook meals for the girls, prepare their school bags, make sure they're not late for school and stuff and generally manage pretty well. BUT.

Once I'm on my own (and, usually, supposed to be working), I sit and watch endless YouTube videos of the truly delicious Pat Monahan, either singing his own songs, or Train songs, or being interviewed, or whatever. The lyrics to his songs just slay me - some make me want to dance (see? I'm not just a miserable cow wallowing in self-pity - I like to dance too!), such as "Soul Sister"and "Save Me, San Francisco". Others are moving, even if they don't have particular relevance to me or my situation ("Drops of Jupiter" - the kind of song that sends chills down your spine - or "Her Eyes", which is just the kind of song I'd love someone to write for me), others make me cry because he says things that hit home so hard that, well, wow. Just wow. "Calling All Angels", for example, or "Meet Virginia". I'm working my way through the back catalogue of albums, and there's so much to like... and he really is extraordinarily easy on the eye...

And when the lovely man is interviewed, he can be either very funny, or very perceptive, or very deep, or just plain nice... His songs reach out to women (his fan base is very much female, as one interviewer pointed out (watch the whole thing, it's hilarious!)) and he really seems to understand women.

Oh, how I'd love to meet a man like that! A sensitive, artistic man who understands me, who makes me feel good about myself, who makes me feel special rather than some kind of freak, who treats me nicely... But I'm seriously suspecting that I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone...

Thank God, then, for YouTube, where I can beam Pat and his pals into my "office" at will, where I can stare into his lovely blue eyes and dream...(see the "Drops of Jupiter" video, around 1:53... sooooo blue.... yummy!)

Yes

That's the answer to the question in my song-of-the-moment (yeah, still the same one):

Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

The world can be such a lonely place, even when you're surrounded by people - good people, caring people. But not that one, special person you're aching for so very, very much.

And being a totally wretched parent (getting so annoyed with the girls because they don't listen that I end up saying horrible things to them (though they partially deserved the harsh words, it has to be said), things that scare them (although they shouldn't - they're both über sensitive) and leave them sobbing in their beds) really, really doesn't help. Total fail, all down the line today.

I feel so totally out of control right now.

The only place I feel at peace is asleep in my bed, my faithful feline curled up beside me.

Sounds like I'm heading for crazy-old-cat-lady status at breakneck speed, right?

Back (again, again)

Summer was hard, and I longed for school to go back. And it did, on 2 September. In some ways, things have indeed been easier since then but I'm still in a total funk. I'm exhausted, but can't go to bed. I can only sleep properly during the day, but have to be up at 7.30 on weekdays to get the girls to school, plus teaching has started up again and that means having to be up and presentable during the day, too, of course. But still I go to bed way, way too late (6 am last "night", for example, then up at midday, back in bed half an hour later, up at 5 pm... So much for the beautiful Sunday weather). I'm out of control, out of touch with the rest of the world, barely seeing daylight, not keeping up with friends, with work, with this blog, with anything.

Spending my whole time living in a fantasy world where there's someone who loves me, someone who'll take care of me, somone who'll take up just some of the slack - I'm so tired of having to cope on my own.

"Discovered" the group Train recently too, and have been listening to their music obsessively ever since (helps that Pat Monahan is so easy on the eye, of course - he's my number one fantasy right now). "Drops of Jupiter" sends shivers down my spine, "Marry Me" makes me cry, "Soul Sister" is the one for dancing...

Scared that I'll be on my own forever, scared that there'll never be another "special someone" in my life, scared that if there ever is, I won't be able to cope.

Scared, tout court, en fait.

I'm taking the girls to England this October to stay with two of my best friends and see a third. It's the oxygen I've been yearning for, struggling for. I really do feel that I've no one to turn to, no one who'll listen, and put up with me sobbing (the one thing I do with real style and passion at the moment), and tell me everything'll be all right. I'm lonely as hell, dreaming my life away in fantasies.

Can this crappy year really get any worse? Sometimes I think I'm in a downward spiral and that there'll never be an up any more. I'm struggling so much to keep it together for the girls, and failing miserably. I'm grouchy and intolerant, impatient and distant, yet distraught when they're with D...

Oh, and D: if you're reading this (and I know you found this blog, so I'm guessing you are), just let it be known that one day (far in the future, don't worry) I'll be telling the girls the truth about this year, about what you did to us, as a couple and us, as a family. And how I can never forgive you for what you did to us. I feel very bitter, very angry, still. Even now.

And your attempts to take control of the girls' lives, to develop their agreement for shared custody fills me with terror - it'll destroy all of us, but of course you can't see that.

Yeah, a crap year, all round. Let's just hope that 2011 is a good one (I'm already counting down to it...).

Oh, and if you don't know it, go listen to this - it's my lifeline right now! (And fall into his dreamy eyes...)