List

This is likely going to make for pretty dull reading (no change there, then) but Swistle did a fantastic post listing all her problems of the moment and I thought maybe I could get some sense in my life if I did the same... More likely, though, is that it's going to be a long list of moans and complaints. Tough shit.

OK, on to the Things That Are Making Life Difficult Right Now

1. Work. Oh God, there's so much! I'm not really complaining as I need it and I need the money it'll (eventually) produce but Lordy, there are only 24 hours in a day and what I've got lined up for the next 5 days is pretty close to inhuman...

2. Money. Always, ever. I don't know how it always seems to be that I'm broke. Right now, I've attained critical mass, so to speak. My direct debits are all being refused, one of my credit cards won't work, the other most likely won't either, clients are taking forever to pay me, I'm too submerged in work to get my invoices done (16 still to do, though admittedly at least half are for the end of this month and a few others needed extra information from the client that took it's time coming. But still), I haven't done food shopping in 3 weeks so there is almost literally NOTHING to eat - even the freezer is almost empty. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

3. Household crap. So much mess everywhere, haven't done housework in as long as I can remember, laundry (clean) piled in a HUGE heap in my bedroom, never folded or put away... My desk is covered in tottering towers of crap, there are more piles of STUFF all around me, the girls never put anything away, the floor's covered in dust bunnies, the kitchen's a mess, the bathroom's a mess... GAH

4. D. This is the biggie in that there's not much I can do about it. Sometimes we get on fine enough, though my anger at this whole miserable situation is never far from the surface to be honest. Now he's requesting (reasonably, I know) his share of my flat back. 24,000 fucking Euros. Plus (according to the solicitor I saw) 11,000 fucking Euros to get the deeds redone in my name only. I'm not sure even my dad can fork out 38,000 motherfucking Euros in one fell swoop, just like that. Especially as all that money will do precisely NOTHING to help my own financial woes. I know D is wholly entitled to his money, but the fact that he's not taken any of the advice I've ever given him about finding work etc., hence perpetuating his own dire financial situation, makes me mad. It all makes me mad, actually.

5. Life. That sounds ridiculously trite, right? But really, my "life" sucks so badly right now I'm in a total funk just about the whole time. I'm lonely as hell, miserable as hell, resentful as hell. And that makes me irritable with my sweet girls, it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me wish everything were different. The thought of spending the rest of my "life" like this depresses me beyond belief.

6. That's actually it. Can you believe it? Only 5 things on my list! This must be your lucky day!

OK, now, let's try to be positive...(I may not reach even 5 on this list...)

1. My dear friend J and her husband and 2 kids will be holidaying near here this summer and WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER. That may not sound like much, but holy crap, I miss this chick... Spending 2 or 3 days together once a year is just CRAP. This will be lovely, and I'm really looking forward to it.

2. My little girls. They bug the shit out of me more than I care to admit, they drive me batshit a fair amount of the time but oh, how I love them! They're bright and beautiful and funny and loving and fun and so perfect... My big aim in life now is to make sure they have a better life than I've had.

3. Tom. Stroking his silky fur is unbelievably soothing. I love when he curls up next to me, I love his there-ness, his reliability. He keeps me sane.

4. The internet. Seriously, without the internet I think I'd die. Not only do I need it for my work and almost all the shopping I do (food, books, clothes, DVDs, CDs, presents, toys, travel arrangements...), it's also my lifeline to a better world, a world where I can forget all the crap in my life and enjoy things. There are a number of blogs I read regularly, that allow me to make contact (albeit in a pretty one-sided way given that I mean nothing to their authors) with other people, people who make me laugh, or cry, or whatever. It's kind of like living vicariously (like I'll be doing with BlogHer this summer), but hey, it's all I got right now, so bite me.

5. That's all, folks!