C broke my heart this evening... She was upset when I sent her and L to bed (it was already pretty late) because we hadn't done anything together. She told me I spend too much time sitting at the computer, working, and not enough time with her and L, playing.
And my heart cracked and broke, right then.
Because it's true. I never do seem to have time to just BE with my little girls; I'm always watching the clock, rushing to get on to the next thing to do on the list. I know I do it all so that they and I can have a life that is the best I can do, but what is the price I'm paying? Will my little girls have any memories of me other than me working, me shouting and me crying? I feel so guilty, so bad. But I have to work, and I'm just sooooo tired all the time. I do my best, and I know my best often isn't really good enough. It hurts just to write these words.
I "gave up" on work yesterday afternoon to take the girls (as it was pouring with rain) to Altissimo, an indoor "rock climbing" place. But that wasn't enough for C (she told me tonight) because I just watched them climb, I didn't actually DO the activity with them. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself in any physical, sporting activity, so I shun them all (swimming most of all, because I'm a terrible swimmer, totally capable of panicking if I get out of my depth, or water splashed on my face, but also the ice-rink (never been skating, strongly suspect I would suck pretty badly at it) and anywhere that involves running). At home, I let them watch endless episodes of Glee (not always very suitable, it has to be said) while I tap-tap-tap away here on the computer...
I know I need to get my hours straight, get my life back on track, so that I can actually "switch off" my work from 5 till 9 pm and devote myself to these special little girls, so sweet, so funny, so gentle, so beloved.
I'm sacrificing my pleasures (I don't get to read or watch films or do handicrafts any more because I work so late or so much), but also, more importantly, THEIRS. They want to spend time with Maman, making things, doing things, playing games, and I'm almost never "there". No wonder they prefer being with Papa - he doesn't work so he can do all the fun stuff.
I have to try and change before it's too late - they're already so big.
This sacrifice may not be worth it after all.