Had a big argument with D (by phone, me outside, walking to work at the university - great way to calm my "first day with a new class" nerves...) about, you guessed it, shared custody. He denies it, but he once again accused me of something ("tu penses pas que t'as fait assez de conneries..."), but now refuses to explain what he means. And he's got me worried that he's got some kind of below-the-belt thing up his sleeve (that's a metaphor that really doesn't work, but I'm sure you get what I mean).
So, to stop myself from going totally batshit insane, I'm gradually retreating into a fantasy world. No, not completely - I still get my work done, get the shopping done, do laundry, cook meals for the girls, prepare their school bags, make sure they're not late for school and stuff and generally manage pretty well. BUT.
Once I'm on my own (and, usually, supposed to be working), I sit and watch endless YouTube videos of the truly delicious Pat Monahan, either singing his own songs, or Train songs, or being interviewed, or whatever. The lyrics to his songs just slay me - some make me want to dance (see? I'm not just a miserable cow wallowing in self-pity - I like to dance too!), such as "Soul Sister"and "Save Me, San Francisco". Others are moving, even if they don't have particular relevance to me or my situation ("Drops of Jupiter" - the kind of song that sends chills down your spine - or "Her Eyes", which is just the kind of song I'd love someone to write for me), others make me cry because he says things that hit home so hard that, well, wow. Just wow. "Calling All Angels", for example, or "Meet Virginia". I'm working my way through the back catalogue of albums, and there's so much to like... and he really is extraordinarily easy on the eye...
And when the lovely man is interviewed, he can be either very funny, or very perceptive, or very deep, or just plain nice... His songs reach out to women (his fan base is very much female, as one interviewer pointed out (watch the whole thing, it's hilarious!)) and he really seems to understand women.
Oh, how I'd love to meet a man like that! A sensitive, artistic man who understands me, who makes me feel good about myself, who makes me feel special rather than some kind of freak, who treats me nicely... But I'm seriously suspecting that I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone...
Thank God, then, for YouTube, where I can beam Pat and his pals into my "office" at will, where I can stare into his lovely blue eyes and dream...(see the "Drops of Jupiter" video, around 1:53... sooooo blue.... yummy!)
mercredi 29 septembre 2010
lundi 20 septembre 2010
Yes
That's the answer to the question in my song-of-the-moment (yeah, still the same one):
Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?
The world can be such a lonely place, even when you're surrounded by people - good people, caring people. But not that one, special person you're aching for so very, very much.
And being a totally wretched parent (getting so annoyed with the girls because they don't listen that I end up saying horrible things to them (though they partially deserved the harsh words, it has to be said), things that scare them (although they shouldn't - they're both über sensitive) and leave them sobbing in their beds) really, really doesn't help. Total fail, all down the line today.
I feel so totally out of control right now.
The only place I feel at peace is asleep in my bed, my faithful feline curled up beside me.
Sounds like I'm heading for crazy-old-cat-lady status at breakneck speed, right?
Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?
The world can be such a lonely place, even when you're surrounded by people - good people, caring people. But not that one, special person you're aching for so very, very much.
And being a totally wretched parent (getting so annoyed with the girls because they don't listen that I end up saying horrible things to them (though they partially deserved the harsh words, it has to be said), things that scare them (although they shouldn't - they're both über sensitive) and leave them sobbing in their beds) really, really doesn't help. Total fail, all down the line today.
I feel so totally out of control right now.
The only place I feel at peace is asleep in my bed, my faithful feline curled up beside me.
Sounds like I'm heading for crazy-old-cat-lady status at breakneck speed, right?
dimanche 19 septembre 2010
Back (again, again)
Summer was hard, and I longed for school to go back. And it did, on 2 September. In some ways, things have indeed been easier since then but I'm still in a total funk. I'm exhausted, but can't go to bed. I can only sleep properly during the day, but have to be up at 7.30 on weekdays to get the girls to school, plus teaching has started up again and that means having to be up and presentable during the day, too, of course. But still I go to bed way, way too late (6 am last "night", for example, then up at midday, back in bed half an hour later, up at 5 pm... So much for the beautiful Sunday weather). I'm out of control, out of touch with the rest of the world, barely seeing daylight, not keeping up with friends, with work, with this blog, with anything.
Spending my whole time living in a fantasy world where there's someone who loves me, someone who'll take care of me, somone who'll take up just some of the slack - I'm so tired of having to cope on my own.
"Discovered" the group Train recently too, and have been listening to their music obsessively ever since (helps that Pat Monahan is so easy on the eye, of course - he's my number one fantasy right now). "Drops of Jupiter" sends shivers down my spine, "Marry Me" makes me cry, "Soul Sister" is the one for dancing...
Scared that I'll be on my own forever, scared that there'll never be another "special someone" in my life, scared that if there ever is, I won't be able to cope.
Scared, tout court, en fait.
I'm taking the girls to England this October to stay with two of my best friends and see a third. It's the oxygen I've been yearning for, struggling for. I really do feel that I've no one to turn to, no one who'll listen, and put up with me sobbing (the one thing I do with real style and passion at the moment), and tell me everything'll be all right. I'm lonely as hell, dreaming my life away in fantasies.
Can this crappy year really get any worse? Sometimes I think I'm in a downward spiral and that there'll never be an up any more. I'm struggling so much to keep it together for the girls, and failing miserably. I'm grouchy and intolerant, impatient and distant, yet distraught when they're with D...
Oh, and D: if you're reading this (and I know you found this blog, so I'm guessing you are), just let it be known that one day (far in the future, don't worry) I'll be telling the girls the truth about this year, about what you did to us, as a couple and us, as a family. And how I can never forgive you for what you did to us. I feel very bitter, very angry, still. Even now.
And your attempts to take control of the girls' lives, to develop their agreement for shared custody fills me with terror - it'll destroy all of us, but of course you can't see that.
Yeah, a crap year, all round. Let's just hope that 2011 is a good one (I'm already counting down to it...).
Oh, and if you don't know it, go listen to this - it's my lifeline right now! (And fall into his dreamy eyes...)
Spending my whole time living in a fantasy world where there's someone who loves me, someone who'll take care of me, somone who'll take up just some of the slack - I'm so tired of having to cope on my own.
"Discovered" the group Train recently too, and have been listening to their music obsessively ever since (helps that Pat Monahan is so easy on the eye, of course - he's my number one fantasy right now). "Drops of Jupiter" sends shivers down my spine, "Marry Me" makes me cry, "Soul Sister" is the one for dancing...
Scared that I'll be on my own forever, scared that there'll never be another "special someone" in my life, scared that if there ever is, I won't be able to cope.
Scared, tout court, en fait.
I'm taking the girls to England this October to stay with two of my best friends and see a third. It's the oxygen I've been yearning for, struggling for. I really do feel that I've no one to turn to, no one who'll listen, and put up with me sobbing (the one thing I do with real style and passion at the moment), and tell me everything'll be all right. I'm lonely as hell, dreaming my life away in fantasies.
Can this crappy year really get any worse? Sometimes I think I'm in a downward spiral and that there'll never be an up any more. I'm struggling so much to keep it together for the girls, and failing miserably. I'm grouchy and intolerant, impatient and distant, yet distraught when they're with D...
Oh, and D: if you're reading this (and I know you found this blog, so I'm guessing you are), just let it be known that one day (far in the future, don't worry) I'll be telling the girls the truth about this year, about what you did to us, as a couple and us, as a family. And how I can never forgive you for what you did to us. I feel very bitter, very angry, still. Even now.
And your attempts to take control of the girls' lives, to develop their agreement for shared custody fills me with terror - it'll destroy all of us, but of course you can't see that.
Yeah, a crap year, all round. Let's just hope that 2011 is a good one (I'm already counting down to it...).
Oh, and if you don't know it, go listen to this - it's my lifeline right now! (And fall into his dreamy eyes...)
mercredi 28 juillet 2010
Really back this time
You probably didn't notice (given how infrequently I've been posting recently) but I've been away again. But I'm back now. Really back.
The girls and I went on our first ever just-the-three-of-us holiday - a week in a very nice hotel in Bilbao. We didn't have fantastic weather (especially towards the end) but, living in the south of France, this wasn't really a problem (and it's roasting here). We did do a few nice things, though: we thoroughly enjoyed the fantastic Guggenheim museum, we had a nice, relaxing afternoon on the delightful Playa de la Magdalena in Santander (which is where the girls also experienced their first ever "pintxos" (or "tapas", as they're called in the rest of Spain), and we loved the aquarium in San Sebastian. The girls had a great time at the funfair very thoughtfully located just outside our hotel (really, just outside - we could almost touch it from our window), we went in the hotel pool, L made friends with all the waiters (C's way too shy for that - L's a total flirt), and we had dinner at Ikea twice because a) it was cheap b) we could walk to it from the hotel and c) it was the most reliable place for vegetables - Question: how come the Spanish seem to be excelling in just about every sport going when they don't ever seem to actually eat any vegetables except tomatoes? It's particularly mystifying given that there are plenty of shops and markets selling raw vegetables... I find it crazy that I had to go to Ikea to get gazpacho (good as it was)...
Since then, more of the usual back at Camp Magic. There was work piled up waiting for me, the flat is a total mess, the girls are going to bed far too late (and so am I) and this summer seems to be totally endless.
Things with D are difficult and tense, and it's all really getting me down. I'm in a total funk most of the time. It's only when the girls are here and I'm able to take the time to do things with them that I feel OK (we played board games yesterday, I took them to Toy Story 3 today, which I suspect I liked better than they did - I just loved Ken's fashion show!...). Our holiday was nice, but hard work - I feel like I didn't speak to a single adult (apart from hotel staff, restaurant staff, transport workers, museum staff...) for the entire week. I was in bed at the same time as them, ie about 10 pm, every night, and there were a number of occasions when they simply bugged the shit out of me. But there were plenty others where they were sweet and adorable and we did, truly, have a good time. It's just that it's hard being alone so much.
Sorry, I'm rambling, but I'm getting by on a diet of Diet Coke, 5 hours' sleep a night maximum and compulsive crap-on-TV-watching (this from someone who hasn't watched more than about 30 minutes of TV a day in 20 years).
I would love to know when it's all going to get better...
The girls and I went on our first ever just-the-three-of-us holiday - a week in a very nice hotel in Bilbao. We didn't have fantastic weather (especially towards the end) but, living in the south of France, this wasn't really a problem (and it's roasting here). We did do a few nice things, though: we thoroughly enjoyed the fantastic Guggenheim museum, we had a nice, relaxing afternoon on the delightful Playa de la Magdalena in Santander (which is where the girls also experienced their first ever "pintxos" (or "tapas", as they're called in the rest of Spain), and we loved the aquarium in San Sebastian. The girls had a great time at the funfair very thoughtfully located just outside our hotel (really, just outside - we could almost touch it from our window), we went in the hotel pool, L made friends with all the waiters (C's way too shy for that - L's a total flirt), and we had dinner at Ikea twice because a) it was cheap b) we could walk to it from the hotel and c) it was the most reliable place for vegetables - Question: how come the Spanish seem to be excelling in just about every sport going when they don't ever seem to actually eat any vegetables except tomatoes? It's particularly mystifying given that there are plenty of shops and markets selling raw vegetables... I find it crazy that I had to go to Ikea to get gazpacho (good as it was)...
Since then, more of the usual back at Camp Magic. There was work piled up waiting for me, the flat is a total mess, the girls are going to bed far too late (and so am I) and this summer seems to be totally endless.
Things with D are difficult and tense, and it's all really getting me down. I'm in a total funk most of the time. It's only when the girls are here and I'm able to take the time to do things with them that I feel OK (we played board games yesterday, I took them to Toy Story 3 today, which I suspect I liked better than they did - I just loved Ken's fashion show!...). Our holiday was nice, but hard work - I feel like I didn't speak to a single adult (apart from hotel staff, restaurant staff, transport workers, museum staff...) for the entire week. I was in bed at the same time as them, ie about 10 pm, every night, and there were a number of occasions when they simply bugged the shit out of me. But there were plenty others where they were sweet and adorable and we did, truly, have a good time. It's just that it's hard being alone so much.
Sorry, I'm rambling, but I'm getting by on a diet of Diet Coke, 5 hours' sleep a night maximum and compulsive crap-on-TV-watching (this from someone who hasn't watched more than about 30 minutes of TV a day in 20 years).
I would love to know when it's all going to get better...
mercredi 14 juillet 2010
Back, but probably not for long
So, yeah, it's been a while, I know.
Today is a special day, of course, so it merits a post in its own right...
Can you believe that, had the world spun in a slightly different way ten years ago, I would today be the mother of a little girl who just turned 10? I can't believe it's 10 years since she died... It seems like only yesterday, yet an eternity ago at the same time.
What I can say, however, is that I miss her every single day of my life and that I will never forget her. She means the world to me. Even though she never got to see the outside world, even though she weighed only 450 g when she died and was born, she was beautiful and perfect, and she'll always be my first born. I love her very, very much.
OK, that's that. Of course, only my dear, sweet friend in London, M, remembered the significance of today (she remembered even though she is literally only hours from giving birth herself... how's that for friendship?!). Not a squeak from anyone else.
As for the rest of the shit going down round here, well, I'm feeling a little inhibited. I now know that D reads this (hi there - hope you're having fun!) but that's not going to stop me mouthing off, especially as there are almost no other readers (I know he only found my blog by going through my bookmarked pages).
Things are not going well. I'm feeling very bitter and am finding it hard to be relaxed when D is here. The fact that he seems incapable of a) coming to pick up the girls at the time he says he's coming b) bringing them home at either the time he says he will or at a reasonable time c) taking care of their belongings and bringing everything back is all DRIVING ME BATSHIT CRAZY. The lack of punctuality is nothing new, and is, in fact, a family (his family, I mean) trait. But oh, how it bugs me! And of course there's always an excuse (traffic! delayed trains! crappy waiter in the restaurant! aliens from Mars (I kid)!), but I'm sorry, that doesn't fly with me.
And that's just a minor detail. He's now talking about me one day refunding the money he put down in the deposit for our flat (go on, D, deny it again, but yes, you did talk about this, just the other day), even though I find that suggestion repellant after all the things I've paid (he did admit that he hadn't thought of it that way and that yeah, calculations would have to be made, bla, bla, bla). He's also refusing to admit to any kind of mental breakdown (EVERYONE ON EARTH IS CRAZY! BUT NOT ME!) so there's no progress at that level.
And I'm just so fucking tired. I've had a shitload of work, the girls have been off school since 02/07 and it's been hard to find things to do - no car, no transport - though I did manage to plan a couple of outings, one of which had to be cancelled because my MIL has come back AGAIN (even though she was here in June and even though D will be taking the girls to see her in August) and the other which was severely compromised because D brought the girls home at 11 pm the night before and they were too exhausted to really enjoy a morning at the beach. Talk about sabotage (conscious or not, who knows?).
So, yeah, life continues to suck mightily and I've really, really had enough of 2010 now...
The girls and I will be off for a few days in the not-so-distant future, and I'm looking forward to that, but am starting to get as paranoid as D - I can't help but imagine him coming here and rootling about looking for "proof" of my evilness while we're away (yeah, he's still got keys to here even though I don't even know where he fucking lives - false addresses on school enrolment forms, you name it, just don't let the bitch know where I live - that seems to be his mantra (am I right, D?))... I could be wrong, of course, but well. There's so much tension and distrust now on both sides that anything's possible.
Sometimes things are OK, sometimes they're not.
The new normal, so to speak.
Today is a special day, of course, so it merits a post in its own right...
Can you believe that, had the world spun in a slightly different way ten years ago, I would today be the mother of a little girl who just turned 10? I can't believe it's 10 years since she died... It seems like only yesterday, yet an eternity ago at the same time.
What I can say, however, is that I miss her every single day of my life and that I will never forget her. She means the world to me. Even though she never got to see the outside world, even though she weighed only 450 g when she died and was born, she was beautiful and perfect, and she'll always be my first born. I love her very, very much.
OK, that's that. Of course, only my dear, sweet friend in London, M, remembered the significance of today (she remembered even though she is literally only hours from giving birth herself... how's that for friendship?!). Not a squeak from anyone else.
As for the rest of the shit going down round here, well, I'm feeling a little inhibited. I now know that D reads this (hi there - hope you're having fun!) but that's not going to stop me mouthing off, especially as there are almost no other readers (I know he only found my blog by going through my bookmarked pages).
Things are not going well. I'm feeling very bitter and am finding it hard to be relaxed when D is here. The fact that he seems incapable of a) coming to pick up the girls at the time he says he's coming b) bringing them home at either the time he says he will or at a reasonable time c) taking care of their belongings and bringing everything back is all DRIVING ME BATSHIT CRAZY. The lack of punctuality is nothing new, and is, in fact, a family (his family, I mean) trait. But oh, how it bugs me! And of course there's always an excuse (traffic! delayed trains! crappy waiter in the restaurant! aliens from Mars (I kid)!), but I'm sorry, that doesn't fly with me.
And that's just a minor detail. He's now talking about me one day refunding the money he put down in the deposit for our flat (go on, D, deny it again, but yes, you did talk about this, just the other day), even though I find that suggestion repellant after all the things I've paid (he did admit that he hadn't thought of it that way and that yeah, calculations would have to be made, bla, bla, bla). He's also refusing to admit to any kind of mental breakdown (EVERYONE ON EARTH IS CRAZY! BUT NOT ME!) so there's no progress at that level.
And I'm just so fucking tired. I've had a shitload of work, the girls have been off school since 02/07 and it's been hard to find things to do - no car, no transport - though I did manage to plan a couple of outings, one of which had to be cancelled because my MIL has come back AGAIN (even though she was here in June and even though D will be taking the girls to see her in August) and the other which was severely compromised because D brought the girls home at 11 pm the night before and they were too exhausted to really enjoy a morning at the beach. Talk about sabotage (conscious or not, who knows?).
So, yeah, life continues to suck mightily and I've really, really had enough of 2010 now...
The girls and I will be off for a few days in the not-so-distant future, and I'm looking forward to that, but am starting to get as paranoid as D - I can't help but imagine him coming here and rootling about looking for "proof" of my evilness while we're away (yeah, he's still got keys to here even though I don't even know where he fucking lives - false addresses on school enrolment forms, you name it, just don't let the bitch know where I live - that seems to be his mantra (am I right, D?))... I could be wrong, of course, but well. There's so much tension and distrust now on both sides that anything's possible.
Sometimes things are OK, sometimes they're not.
The new normal, so to speak.
mercredi 9 juin 2010
Moving forward
I'm going to try and make my meeting today with a marriage guidance counsellor (psychologist) sound positive, but really, I'm scared beyond belief.
I gave her a short version of the events of the last few weeks, months, whatever. She immediately became concerned about D's state of mind and seemed very keen to make sure that he get treatment (even mentioning hospitalisation, which freaks me out, because D will FREAK THE FUCK OUT about this and resist, resist, resist, not to mention hating me forever - more than he does already, I mean - if he thinks I'm behind it).
She's going to do some digging at the ER he went to where he almost got hospitalised last month, and will try and talk to our psychologist friend who's been trying to help D too. And I have to go back and see her next week, with a document to fill in that I have to get from the main court in Montpellier, and she'll let me know what she's found out. She's not talking about confidential stuff, just what the doctor who checked C reported and so on.
She also got me an appointment with a legal advisor who will help me fill in the form. She's really not keen on him getting custody at all (HE'S GOING TO KILL ME) given his present state of mind, not to mention the practical side of things.
I do feel that progress is being made, and that things are moving forwards, but, at the same time, I'm scared out of my wits as to his reaction to all this. He wants us to see a lawyer and get some kind of thing in writing, but what I'm doing (which is the same thing) will make him so angry with me that I'm scared of how he'll react.
The lady I saw was very reassuring and very professional (I've met her before somewhere, but can't for the life of me think where), and the fact that she's so concerned about my safety, and that of the girls, has freaked me out. I told her that he hasn't given me his new address (we filled in the girls' re-enrollment forms for school next year and he put a different address - he says it's because he doesn't have a mailbox in his place, I'm convinced it's so he doesn't have to tell me where he lives) and that that scares me - and she said I was right to be scared. Which of course scares me even more. She doesn't even seem happy with him taking the girls for a short time, but I can't stop him doing that (well, I could, but that would unleash the hounds of hell, I suspect) and don't want to stop him seeing them, even if I feel sick with fear every time he does that he won't bring them back...
Oh Lordy, this is serious stuff. Hospitalisation, treatment, lawyers, judges, legal decisions... I've never been so scared in my life, and I feel so outrageously alone - there really isn't anyone I can talk to (well, that's not true of course, there are plenty of people in fact, but they've all got their own lives, their own hassles... I can't impose forever. I have to learn to be strong so I can get through this).
I am fighting, I am coping, I am trying to pull myself out of debt (not easy, believe me). I'm trying to get things organised for the girls this summer (still hoping, praying that I'll find a way to go away with them for a few days, but I'm not sure how I'll pay for that), I'm trying to get work done, get the flat smartened up. Cope, rebuild my life, start over in other words. But inside, I'm jelly, I'm scared, I feel sick with fear.
I gave her a short version of the events of the last few weeks, months, whatever. She immediately became concerned about D's state of mind and seemed very keen to make sure that he get treatment (even mentioning hospitalisation, which freaks me out, because D will FREAK THE FUCK OUT about this and resist, resist, resist, not to mention hating me forever - more than he does already, I mean - if he thinks I'm behind it).
She's going to do some digging at the ER he went to where he almost got hospitalised last month, and will try and talk to our psychologist friend who's been trying to help D too. And I have to go back and see her next week, with a document to fill in that I have to get from the main court in Montpellier, and she'll let me know what she's found out. She's not talking about confidential stuff, just what the doctor who checked C reported and so on.
She also got me an appointment with a legal advisor who will help me fill in the form. She's really not keen on him getting custody at all (HE'S GOING TO KILL ME) given his present state of mind, not to mention the practical side of things.
I do feel that progress is being made, and that things are moving forwards, but, at the same time, I'm scared out of my wits as to his reaction to all this. He wants us to see a lawyer and get some kind of thing in writing, but what I'm doing (which is the same thing) will make him so angry with me that I'm scared of how he'll react.
The lady I saw was very reassuring and very professional (I've met her before somewhere, but can't for the life of me think where), and the fact that she's so concerned about my safety, and that of the girls, has freaked me out. I told her that he hasn't given me his new address (we filled in the girls' re-enrollment forms for school next year and he put a different address - he says it's because he doesn't have a mailbox in his place, I'm convinced it's so he doesn't have to tell me where he lives) and that that scares me - and she said I was right to be scared. Which of course scares me even more. She doesn't even seem happy with him taking the girls for a short time, but I can't stop him doing that (well, I could, but that would unleash the hounds of hell, I suspect) and don't want to stop him seeing them, even if I feel sick with fear every time he does that he won't bring them back...
Oh Lordy, this is serious stuff. Hospitalisation, treatment, lawyers, judges, legal decisions... I've never been so scared in my life, and I feel so outrageously alone - there really isn't anyone I can talk to (well, that's not true of course, there are plenty of people in fact, but they've all got their own lives, their own hassles... I can't impose forever. I have to learn to be strong so I can get through this).
I am fighting, I am coping, I am trying to pull myself out of debt (not easy, believe me). I'm trying to get things organised for the girls this summer (still hoping, praying that I'll find a way to go away with them for a few days, but I'm not sure how I'll pay for that), I'm trying to get work done, get the flat smartened up. Cope, rebuild my life, start over in other words. But inside, I'm jelly, I'm scared, I feel sick with fear.
mercredi 2 juin 2010
Sucker
Much as I could go on about my many woes pretty much endlessly right now, I'm guessing my reader (how are you?) is probably fed up to death with that, so, being a sucker for memes, I've decided to borrow this one from Avitable...
• Guilty pleasure. Eating crap when no one's around to criticise me.
• Something that inspires you. Beauty in the natural world.
• The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why. "Walking on sunshine" (Katrina and the Waves) to make me happy, "Girls just wanna have fun" (Cyndi Lauper) to make me dance, "Stuck in a moment" (U2) to make me cry, "Hallelujah" (Leonard Cohen) for when I'm feeling Leonard Cohen-y and "Wild thing" (The Troggs) for the rest of the time.
• What you imagine paradise to be like. Somewhere where the weather is always good, where nothing bad ever happens and where you never feel out of place or out of synch.
• A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life. To my two best friends in England, J and M, for always being here (even virtually) when I need you, and for making my life better. I miss you guys!
• Earliest thing you can remember. Playing games with my father in our entrance hall when I was about 2.
• Favorite cover of your favorite song. Not sure that my favourite song has actually been covered, but I love Sinead O'Connor's version of Prince's "Nothing compares 2 U" and, though absolutely not my favourite song, I love Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is coming to town"
• Someone you think would make a good president. Here in France? No idea - it's like choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea, though our current incumbent seems to have a serious God complex. Elsewhere? I always thought (bearing in mind I'm not in the US, have only been once and know little about the country's politics) Al Gore would have been quite cool...
• Five things you want to see change. 1) I want there to be a selection process for entry to French universities; 2) I would love to see work paid at its just value (so, I'd increase salaries for nurses, teachers, dustbin men... and lower them for real estate agents, lawyers, accountants, politicians...); 3) I would like Britain to join in with the rest of Europe and give up on its "special relationship with the US" delusion; 4) I would love all religion-based conflict to just stop and 5) I'd like premature babies who die in utero to be given "child" status, even when they're born before the arbitrary legal "cut-off" point.
• A dream you had this past week described in detail. Insomnia rules right now, so no dreams to talk about...
• Favorite picture ever taken of yourself. These are very, very few and far between... Though I do quite like one taken on my 40th birthday (last year) with my two sweet girls...
• Your favorite musical artist’s life story. Not sure of this either, but I loved Oliver Stone's "The Doors" too.
• A memory that never fails to make you laugh. The infamous J-falling-under-a-Young-Conservative story from my student days - I love this story so much, and I wasn't even there!
• Best mashup you’ve ever heard. I'm too old, clearly, as I have no idea what a "mashup" is if it doesn't involve potatoes and mayonnaise...
• A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most. "A person's a person, no matter how small" from Dr Seuss' "Horton Hears a Who"
• Something that you want to do within the next five years. Climb out of debt and find happiness.
• What you want to remembered for. Being a good mother.
• A picture that makes you feel. I love Emil Nolde's "Lichte Meerstimmung"
• A passage from a book that has touched you. Can't find the quotes right now (hell, I can't find the BOOK in this mess), but there are many passages from Waugh's "Brideshead Revisited" that touched me when I was younger, so I guess they still would now!
• A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark and "Joan of Arc" - first single I ever bought!
• Your favorite medium of art. Cinema.
• Someone you would give your life up for without question. My daughters.
• Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given. Way, way too many to count I should think!
• Something you did as a child that other people remember you for. Winning the 3-legged race for 3 years in a row with my friend Sara, having failed wretchedly in every other athletics event.
• Something you would do if no one stopped you or if you knew you wouldn’t fail. Be a writer.
• Your definition of love. Accepting the failings of the one you love, loving unconditionally, having total trust in the other.
• Your definition of the meaning of life. Raising the next generation and realising that the world will be a better place thanks to your children (modest, I know).
• A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. What is your definition of happiness? I was happy on holiday in Italy (Lake Como) in August 2008. The place was beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful, the weather was good, my daughters were being adorable and I felt happy in my "marriage". Huh.
• What you live for. To make my children happy, healthy, fulfilled adults.
• Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days. My partner and I separated just over 30 days ago. Since then, I've become stronger, more independent.
• Guilty pleasure. Eating crap when no one's around to criticise me.
• Something that inspires you. Beauty in the natural world.
• The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why. "Walking on sunshine" (Katrina and the Waves) to make me happy, "Girls just wanna have fun" (Cyndi Lauper) to make me dance, "Stuck in a moment" (U2) to make me cry, "Hallelujah" (Leonard Cohen) for when I'm feeling Leonard Cohen-y and "Wild thing" (The Troggs) for the rest of the time.
• What you imagine paradise to be like. Somewhere where the weather is always good, where nothing bad ever happens and where you never feel out of place or out of synch.
• A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life. To my two best friends in England, J and M, for always being here (even virtually) when I need you, and for making my life better. I miss you guys!
• Earliest thing you can remember. Playing games with my father in our entrance hall when I was about 2.
• Favorite cover of your favorite song. Not sure that my favourite song has actually been covered, but I love Sinead O'Connor's version of Prince's "Nothing compares 2 U" and, though absolutely not my favourite song, I love Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is coming to town"
• Someone you think would make a good president. Here in France? No idea - it's like choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea, though our current incumbent seems to have a serious God complex. Elsewhere? I always thought (bearing in mind I'm not in the US, have only been once and know little about the country's politics) Al Gore would have been quite cool...
• Five things you want to see change. 1) I want there to be a selection process for entry to French universities; 2) I would love to see work paid at its just value (so, I'd increase salaries for nurses, teachers, dustbin men... and lower them for real estate agents, lawyers, accountants, politicians...); 3) I would like Britain to join in with the rest of Europe and give up on its "special relationship with the US" delusion; 4) I would love all religion-based conflict to just stop and 5) I'd like premature babies who die in utero to be given "child" status, even when they're born before the arbitrary legal "cut-off" point.
• A dream you had this past week described in detail. Insomnia rules right now, so no dreams to talk about...
• Favorite picture ever taken of yourself. These are very, very few and far between... Though I do quite like one taken on my 40th birthday (last year) with my two sweet girls...
• Your favorite musical artist’s life story. Not sure of this either, but I loved Oliver Stone's "The Doors" too.
• A memory that never fails to make you laugh. The infamous J-falling-under-a-Young-Conservative story from my student days - I love this story so much, and I wasn't even there!
• Best mashup you’ve ever heard. I'm too old, clearly, as I have no idea what a "mashup" is if it doesn't involve potatoes and mayonnaise...
• A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most. "A person's a person, no matter how small" from Dr Seuss' "Horton Hears a Who"
• Something that you want to do within the next five years. Climb out of debt and find happiness.
• What you want to remembered for. Being a good mother.
• A picture that makes you feel. I love Emil Nolde's "Lichte Meerstimmung"
• A passage from a book that has touched you. Can't find the quotes right now (hell, I can't find the BOOK in this mess), but there are many passages from Waugh's "Brideshead Revisited" that touched me when I was younger, so I guess they still would now!
• A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark and "Joan of Arc" - first single I ever bought!
• Your favorite medium of art. Cinema.
• Someone you would give your life up for without question. My daughters.
• Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given. Way, way too many to count I should think!
• Something you did as a child that other people remember you for. Winning the 3-legged race for 3 years in a row with my friend Sara, having failed wretchedly in every other athletics event.
• Something you would do if no one stopped you or if you knew you wouldn’t fail. Be a writer.
• Your definition of love. Accepting the failings of the one you love, loving unconditionally, having total trust in the other.
• Your definition of the meaning of life. Raising the next generation and realising that the world will be a better place thanks to your children (modest, I know).
• A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. What is your definition of happiness? I was happy on holiday in Italy (Lake Como) in August 2008. The place was beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful, the weather was good, my daughters were being adorable and I felt happy in my "marriage". Huh.
• What you live for. To make my children happy, healthy, fulfilled adults.
• Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days. My partner and I separated just over 30 days ago. Since then, I've become stronger, more independent.
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