Fail

Yup, I failed. Didn't get to bed till 2.45 am, ate bonbons all morning (and made myself feel sick), got pretty much fuck all done today.

Total funk.

BUT. Did mention my heart's desire-for-a-birthday-present to D (a day at a spa place near where we'll be on holiday this summer), did get most of my tax forms done (not the main one, of course, but the smaller, easier ones. Plus the on-line declaration thing only doesn't work for me, so I'm pretty much fucked there too) and did do some work on the school newspaper (nearly printing time if I'm not mistaken), so not a total waste of time. Oh, and despite little sleep (in bed at 2.45, up at 7.30) I didn't go back to bed. What a hero.

And D started looking into cars (depressing business, but absolutely vital), and he's actually got some work to do, and the weather forecast no longer mentions storms and thunder, just rain, so maybe, just maybe, it'll all fizzle out and at least be dry for the party on Sunday, and bought L's main present - a Tinkerbell "computer" that she's been aching for since last year.

Still have a shitload of stuff to do, though.

And I'm totally motivationless at the moment. Can't be arsed to do anything. Feel fat and ugly, tired and dissatisfied, depressed and worried about money. Not to mention OLD.

With my MIL starting to get really nasty (last week, she and D had another row and she claimed that my father and I are a bad influence on him, that we're stifling his natural character and trying to transform him into "one of us" (which makes us sound like aliens when obviously we're not. Beep. Beep.) bla, bla, bla). All I can say is that I really hope I don't pick up the phone to her any time soon because I might just let rip - this woman is POISON and I've been too polite for too long. I feel that the time has come to get nasty right back.

Maybe this is the New Me - more candid, less conciliatory, more enflamed. More passionate, perhaps.

Anyway.

Day 16: I'm going to sort through all my clothes - four different piles: still wear, throw away, give away, keep but don't wear. And that last pile will go in plastic IKEA boxes down in the cellar. And then I'll really tidy up my wardrobe and drawers, so that I can find stuff when I want it and so that I can actually hang stuff up in the wardrobe. To be honest, I'm kind of embarrassed that I even have to write stuff like this - my guess is that to most people this is a total no-brainer. But mess is one of my middle names, and lazy is the other, so the result is heaps of stuff, badly folded, stuffed in drawers and on shelves, totally unfindable.

And please, keep praying that it won't rain on Sunday!

Day 3...

...sort of.

By which I mean that today was such a non-event of a day (for me) that I'm not sure it even counts. I did, however, throw out some junk mail today, junk mail of the type I usually keep and scan for possible bargains, so I guess I did something good.

As for the Challenge, well, I'm beginning to wonder how I'll ever find 40 things to do - I'm already struggling with number 3. It's not that I can't think of things I'd like to do, or even should do. It's more that I want to succeed, and many of the things I'd like to do (and, even worse, the things I should do) are the kinds of things I'll fuck up. And I don't want to start making rash promises doomed for failure from the start (you know, things like "I'll do 30 minutes of real exercise every day" - we ALL know I'll fail that one, probably on the very first goddamn day). So what have I come up with, that isn't a total cop-out, isn't totally trivial and isn't just insane?

I'm going to get my professional paperwork in order.

I feel sick with stress just looking at that sentence. It's such a tall order - you cannot believe the mess my professional papers are in (just one, tiny example: I have to get all my professional accounts for 2008 finished (I know, I know, it's April 2009 already. Tell me about it) and I probably would have done by now if I hadn't totally lost my two bank account statements for May 2008... Just a gaping hole in my account book. Total nightmare).

Yes, it's an excuse to go crazy in a stationery shop - but I've already done that. And yes, I need to get D to put my snazzy red IKEA shelf up above my desk, but we all know that's just a pretext. The real problem is that I'm hopelessly disorganised.

BUT.

Although I'm not saying I'll get my paperwork in order by my birthday (I have to be reasonable - we're going away next week, I have my accounts and stuff to do, my tax forms, shitloads of invoices, tons of work, the school newspaper...bla, bla, bla),

I DO FULLY INTEND TO HAVE MADE SOME SERIOUS HEADWAY.

My real aim is to be able to do my accounts on a monthly basis. Hardly the stuff dreams are made of, but if I could get my arse in gear and do my accounts that way, it would be much quicker, much less stressful.

So there you have it. I'm going to get out all my lovely, shiny, new folders, files, archive boxes and what have you, and I'm going to make a start.

But first, I could really do with some chocolate. Or maybe some cheese on toast. Or some porridge....

Leavin' on a(n) (Easy)jet plane...

...But I do know when I'll be back again: next Sunday, late afternoon.

This promises to be a hectic week involving little sleep, but I'm also hoping it'll be kinda fun. We're staying with two of my best friends, one from tomorrow till Friday morning, the other just Friday night (very little room to sleep), and then our last night with a cousin I barely know.

Of course, it's still 2.30 am here and I've only just finished all the work I had to do before we leave, so of course I also haven't packed a single thing yet (though I've done loads of laundry!), but we don't have to be at the airport till 3 pm, so it should be OK.

And I've also booked a "gîte" for the 4 of us, plus my father, for the week after Easter in Arles (went there last year with my MIL and it was cool, except that she did bugger all to help out and that that really, really fucked me off).

Just have to start thinking about our summer holidays now...

And the minor, minor fact that I'm totally broke (yet again) is best ignored, I feel.

Oh, for those of you interested (?!), you'll be delighted to know that the flat is now once more a total tip. Maybe less cardboard boxes than before, but still a real mess. I despair.

See you in 9 days!

Cravings

Spent this afternoon with some relatively new friends (we probably met them about a year ago at IKEA (of course) where our respective daughters started playing together and we then ended up chatting. And their daughters are at the girls' school, too).

The girls had a great time, and I enjoyed it too, but the visit made me crave... certain things. Not a baby (although their not-quite-one-month-old daughter is very cute), but a nice home. OK, the guy's an architect, which obviously helps, but their flat is just amazing - it's immaculately tidy in the "adult" parts and messy in the kids' parts, which makes it feel like a home (if it were immaculate everywhere I'd be suspicious ;-))), plus it's stylish and beautiful and modern and... just how I'd like our place to be, even though I know it never will.

And, their flat is in fact two flats - their original one, which was about the size of ours, plus a smaller one they bought (on the same landing). They've knocked doors through and made it into one huge flat.

So yes, I guess it's not just cravings, it could in fact be full-blown jealousy... Except that they're both so nice that you couldn't possibly not like them.

But oh, how I wish we could get our place sorted out. In my mind, I can see how it should (could) look, but we just never get there. D doesn't seem particularly bothered about certain aspects of the mess, and the girls have a very haphazard approach to tidying up, so everything ends up in a heap in a corner, at best. And I'm not without fault - my desk is a nightmare, as is all the floor "space" around it. But there's never time, and so much is part of a chain of events in which the first event never seems to get done...

I'm feeling a little down in the dumps, to be honest. And totally discouraged.

And my MIL will be here (with all her usual snarky comments and crappy advice) in 4 days, God help me.

Down in the dumps. Literally.

Today went OK, I don't really have anything to complain about: I've no idea what time the girls got up (though I suspect it wasn't very early) as they very sweetly got themselves breakfast and did some colouring till I emerged at 10.30...

There were some tussles about doing things, and doing things when I ask, but basically it was OK. They didn't help at all (I did laundry, dishes, cooking, putting clothes away, laying the table, clearing the table...) but we made it out by 2.45 this afternoon, and I consider that alone a victory.

Nice enough afternoon. Went to a Christmas Market-type thing near the Préfecture, where there were old-fashioned wooden games, a few stalls and a make-up tent. C got made up as the Wind Fairy and L as a Princess-Fairy type thing. They looked so beautiful!

Had pancakes for tea, came home and managed to get through most of the evening without too much trauma.

And now, I'm about to go and sit on the floor, surrounded by all the mess, so I can start to get to grips with it. This place is a total dump (of our own making) and here I am, sititng right in it.

Motivation (bis)

I feel absolutely no motivation vibes coming my way so, guess what, I did nothing of any consequence all day!

OK, I slept all morning (though I was up in time to get the girls ready for school, only to go back to bed an hour later), which is a fantastic achievement (FEEEEEEEL the irony).

And this afternoon, well, I did a couple of invoices, read stuff on the internet (could do that for hours...), did some laundry and that was about it.

Picked up L from school (D took C to her swim class) and we started making Mamie's birthday present - might even be quite nice!

And I worked this evening.

But no tidying, no DIY, no sorting, no furniture-moving. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

What a loser.

Crisis

No, not THAT crisis (I'm ostrichly putting my head in the sand about that - the thought of our mortgage going up brings me out in hives so I prefer to not think about it AT. ALL. and just let D deal with any hassle), the crisis I'm talking about is much more insignificant (though only to you, perhaps).

I'm talking about my OH. MY. GOD. THIS. FLAT'S. A. MESS. crisis. Now, I know lots of people say this kind of thing when really their homes are pretty much Ideal Home material. But when I say "our flat's a mess", I REALLY mean it. The girls leave their stuff (paper, scissors, Barbie dolls, tea set bits, miscellaneous plastic things that MUST NOT BE THROWN OUT, pencils, pens, plastic bags... you get my drift) everywhere, I haven't "organised" my office paperwork properly since, oh, probably 1995 (really) and D is about the same. I start doing stuff, but then get caught up in OTHER stuff and never finish.

Add to that extra furniture (bought from friends who moved back to Madrid) sitting in the middle of the sitting room, boxes and boxes of stuff to go down to the cellar (assuming D ever makes enough space to take them there), boxes of furniture in kits that needs to be assembled, plastic bags of STUFF all over the floor, a dishwasher sitting in the middle of the kitchen because it won't fit in the space used for a dishwasher by the previous owners... I could go on, but fortunately for you I won't. I'm sure you get the picture.

I swear, I'm going insane! And I don't know where to start - which room? They're all as bad as each other (though different, too).

Really, this has reached epic, crisis proportions and I've now got to the stage where I'm praying for rain so that I don't have to go out, meaning I might get the chance to get started on something.

But it all feels so hopeless... Whatever I do will be nothing more than a drop in the ocean...

My "plans" were for it "all" to be done (including my somewhat over-optimistic plans to decorate the girls' bedroom) by Christmas. This is starting to seem like cloud-cuckoo-land.

But I have to do something because I'm hoping (assuming we're not obliged to go to Paris) to have a small party for C's 7th birthday here on 27 December... And there's NO WAY I'm letting the posh kids (and their parents) from the girls' new school come here and see what a f*cking tip we live in...

I'm embarrassed enough when the neighbours see the place...

I know, I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do, I can't help it.

So, part of the New Me is to seriously get my a*se in gear and get going on Mission Tidy-Up.

Mantra: This flat will be presentable by Christmas.

Repeat 1,000 times.