I really do believe I could be an Olympic champion if there were a procrastination race (contest?). I have a million small, simple things to do, yet I don't do them. To be honest, most of the time I have no idea where the time goes...
An example. Both my credit cards (one private account, one professional account) needed to be renewed recently. One became invalid on 01 May, the other on 01 June. For the private account (invalid as of 01 May), I received my new card by post at home some time towards the end of April. It can only be used if it is first "activated" by withdrawing money from a cash machine. For the professional account (invalid as of 01 June), I seriously have no recollection. I THINK I received it by mail too, but can't be sure, and sure as hell can't find it. Perhaps I just got a note saying that my new card is now available from my branch and that I need to go and pick it up. Who knows?
As I'm sure you've guessed, I still haven't even activated my private account card (even though I've had almost 6 weeks to do it). And that, in turn, means I can't use my credit cards at all.
Now, I'm going to be forced to take action because we have nothing to eat and I had to order my shopping last night. It's coming tomorrow (today) between 11 and 12 am, and the only means of payment is, of course, credit card. I know it's stupid, but I just can't seem to help myself.
Another example. I'm broke (nothing new there) yet can't get my arse in gear and actually get my invoices done, or phone the idiots at the university who still haven't even paid my classes from the first semester (September to December). And we all know how much I need the money...
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know how I manage to be so ridiculously behind, so stupidly late in bed, so damn fucking exhausted all the time - without actually seeming to get much of anything at all done.
The list of shit to do on my list is insane. The end of the school year is always crazy, and this one is crashing towards me like an out of control Formula 1 car. There are parties and birthdays and stuff to do for the school fête, there are holidays to organise, work, invoices, accounts, debts to pay off...
I'm totally at the end of my rope, can't be arsed to do anything at all (I've even got a translation to do into French and haven't done anything about finding someone to do it - and it's due in on Wednesday morning), just want to sink into bed and slip quietly into my fantasy life where all is how I want it, where I'm beautiful and slim and sexy and loved.
I try and motivate myself, every day I say, "OK, today you'll do this and this and this". I'm even pretty realistic, making sure I don't set myself unassailable targets. Yet that damn list just gets longer every day...
2011 World Procrastination Champion: Magic27!
mardi 7 juin 2011
lundi 6 juin 2011
4.39
I can't believe (or rather yes, I can but hate to) that it's once again 4.39 am and I'm still up, writing this crap. Even my cat is now completely out of phase with reality - he's miaowing for his breakfast (or possibly another midnight snack - cat likes to eat).
It all started with a quick look at my Facebook page. And there, there was a message from a friend (dare I call her that? We've never actually met, but I feel we could be friends, we exchange messages. Is that friendship in this modern world?) asking how, living in France, you can watch American stuff via the internet. I was hooked: I've been trying to do this for months, without success: streaming doesn't work (you need to be in the US), sites claiming to do this don't work...
One of the answers gave a link to another site, one I hadn't heard of and thus hadn't tried. My curiosity was piqued. I have no self-discipline. I clicked the link.
After downloading the odd doodad or two, I found myself stunningly able to watch episodes of Glee, directly on the computer, for free (not downloaded, you have to pay for that).
As I said, I have no self-discipline. So of course I watched the first 3 episodes in season 2, one after the other (with a frustrating - and so far inexplicable - technical hitch between 2 and 3, making me "waste" about half an hour).
Then, just as I was about to shut up "shop" (ha!) for the night, I decided to check my e-mails. And lo and behold! A message from a student reminding me that I'd promised her her work back by 6 June. Had I corrected her work? Hell, I hadn't even downloaded it...
So I had to do that (luckily, she's a pretty good student so it didn't take long). And it reminded me that I'd promised another student a text to translate either today (Sunday) or tomorrow. And of course I didn't have one ready, so I had to do that too. And send it.
Which is why it is now 4.47 am and I am only just finished for the "day". And I have to be up again in less than 3 hours.
I have a feeling that tomorrow (today) is going to be another great day.
I also have to try and stop starting sentences with "and" - Mrs Sharrock, a wonderful English teacher I had back in secondary school (she used to sneak out of class on the pretext of fetching something so she could smoke a cigarette... unsurprisingly, she died of lung cancer years ago. But she was a great teacher and I learned a lot from her) would kill me...
It all started with a quick look at my Facebook page. And there, there was a message from a friend (dare I call her that? We've never actually met, but I feel we could be friends, we exchange messages. Is that friendship in this modern world?) asking how, living in France, you can watch American stuff via the internet. I was hooked: I've been trying to do this for months, without success: streaming doesn't work (you need to be in the US), sites claiming to do this don't work...
One of the answers gave a link to another site, one I hadn't heard of and thus hadn't tried. My curiosity was piqued. I have no self-discipline. I clicked the link.
After downloading the odd doodad or two, I found myself stunningly able to watch episodes of Glee, directly on the computer, for free (not downloaded, you have to pay for that).
As I said, I have no self-discipline. So of course I watched the first 3 episodes in season 2, one after the other (with a frustrating - and so far inexplicable - technical hitch between 2 and 3, making me "waste" about half an hour).
Then, just as I was about to shut up "shop" (ha!) for the night, I decided to check my e-mails. And lo and behold! A message from a student reminding me that I'd promised her her work back by 6 June. Had I corrected her work? Hell, I hadn't even downloaded it...
So I had to do that (luckily, she's a pretty good student so it didn't take long). And it reminded me that I'd promised another student a text to translate either today (Sunday) or tomorrow. And of course I didn't have one ready, so I had to do that too. And send it.
Which is why it is now 4.47 am and I am only just finished for the "day". And I have to be up again in less than 3 hours.
I have a feeling that tomorrow (today) is going to be another great day.
I also have to try and stop starting sentences with "and" - Mrs Sharrock, a wonderful English teacher I had back in secondary school (she used to sneak out of class on the pretext of fetching something so she could smoke a cigarette... unsurprisingly, she died of lung cancer years ago. But she was a great teacher and I learned a lot from her) would kill me...
dimanche 5 juin 2011
Washout
I have rarely been so glad to have had nothing planned at all for this 5-day weekend... The weather has been unbelievably craptastic, with Wednesday kind of grey and cold and windy and threatening rain, Thursday grey and cold and windy and actually raining, Friday grey and cold and windy and sometimes raining (can you see a pattern emerging here?) and yesterday - Saturday duh - grey and cold, with a mammoth thunderstorm ALL MORNING (and the torrential rain that goes with that) plus ordinary rain most of the afternoon, then back to grey and cold and windy and threatening rain.
People, this is the SOUTH OF FRANCE and it is JUNE. It has been hot in England and Paris, it's hot on the east coast of the US, it's probably hot in fucking Lapland... but not here.
I was so sure that the good weather season had arrived - we'd had a fair stretch of hot, sunny days. But no. Back to crap.
So it's only fitting that I've got fuck all done this weekend and have felt down in the dumps and miserable. It might be because I've been stupid, staying up till dawn watching Mad Men DVDs and reading FaceBook and Twitter; it might be because I'm lazy; it might be because I played Lego games with the girls (though it would be pretty mean-spirited of me to blame that as that hardly took up much time at all).
But no. I'm not blaming it on any of those things. I'm British, this is my birthright: I'm blaming it on the weather.
People, this is the SOUTH OF FRANCE and it is JUNE. It has been hot in England and Paris, it's hot on the east coast of the US, it's probably hot in fucking Lapland... but not here.
I was so sure that the good weather season had arrived - we'd had a fair stretch of hot, sunny days. But no. Back to crap.
So it's only fitting that I've got fuck all done this weekend and have felt down in the dumps and miserable. It might be because I've been stupid, staying up till dawn watching Mad Men DVDs and reading FaceBook and Twitter; it might be because I'm lazy; it might be because I played Lego games with the girls (though it would be pretty mean-spirited of me to blame that as that hardly took up much time at all).
But no. I'm not blaming it on any of those things. I'm British, this is my birthright: I'm blaming it on the weather.
samedi 4 juin 2011
My favourite place
I haven't exactly travelled extensively in my life. I've visited a fair number of European countries (some several times and different parts) and I've been to the US once - a fabulous week in NYC in April 2001.
I moved around (within Britain) a lot as a child, moving roughly every 12 to 18 months in the first 10 years of my life, and have never had a problem with the idea of moving (though the fuck-what-a-hassle factor is quite high now).
I've had wonderful times in Salamanca, Rome, Florence, Sienna, Lake Como, Amsterdam, NYC, London, Edinburgh, St Andrews, Lisbon, Zürich and more.
But you know what? Do you know where my favourite place is? The place that makes me smile, without fail, every time I go there? The one place where I know, for a fact, that my life is EXACTLY how I want it to be? Do you?
No?
Asleep, in my bed (much as I love "my" bed, though, it doesn't actually have to be my actual bed, it can just as easily be the-bed-allocated-to-me on a given occasion). THAT, without a doubt, is my favourite place in the whole world.
Am I pathetic or what?!
I moved around (within Britain) a lot as a child, moving roughly every 12 to 18 months in the first 10 years of my life, and have never had a problem with the idea of moving (though the fuck-what-a-hassle factor is quite high now).
I've had wonderful times in Salamanca, Rome, Florence, Sienna, Lake Como, Amsterdam, NYC, London, Edinburgh, St Andrews, Lisbon, Zürich and more.
But you know what? Do you know where my favourite place is? The place that makes me smile, without fail, every time I go there? The one place where I know, for a fact, that my life is EXACTLY how I want it to be? Do you?
No?
Asleep, in my bed (much as I love "my" bed, though, it doesn't actually have to be my actual bed, it can just as easily be the-bed-allocated-to-me on a given occasion). THAT, without a doubt, is my favourite place in the whole world.
Am I pathetic or what?!
vendredi 3 juin 2011
Plans
I didn't exactly have "plans" for today, but I did promise the girls yesterday that we would "do something" together. I didn't really believe that the weather would still be crap (yesterday was kind of grey and sort of half-hearted not-rain), so had vague plans to hit the Domaine de Méric, a beautiful park near the centre of Montpellier.
Méric is the former home of the painter Frédéric Bazille and is truly delightful. It covers a hilly area, so at the top level there's a "wild" prairie, most likely in full bloom right now (cornflowers, poppies, cow parsley...), then a series of small grassy areas and an orchard, then, down in a hollow, a play area for kids and woodland, leading down to a riverside walk. Lovely at this time of year.
So of course it has been not only cold (which would have been scandalous enough, but manageable) but WET all. fucking. day. So that plan was out the window.
L. wanted to go to Altissimo, an indoor "rock climbing" place. It's expensive, particularly as the girls have generally had enough after an hour, but they do enjoy it so I sort of said OK.
Of course, we weren't the only ones to think of this and the place was PACKED. So C. suggested a game of bowling. I was vaguely up for that, but it was even more crowded, with a looooooong queue and a waiting time estimated at "about 45 minutes". No way.
So we ended up at Acrochats, God help me. We had to queue there, too, and it's probably the most expensive of the three, and certainly the most hideous for me. It's basically just a huge indoor play gym thing (like the ones at McDonald's, only much, much bigger), but it's in a massive, cavern-like room that multiplies the sound level a billion times. It's unspeakably hot, the kids get hyper, all types of drink etc. are wildly over-priced and, as an adult on my own, I was virtually comatose with boredom.
So much for our "doing something together". Huh.
The girls then begged to have dinner out too (all these places are in a part of the city called Odysseum, which is an out-of-centre shopping-eating-entertainment place, all open air and accessible by tram), so, as I'm a cheapskate and Acrochats almost bankrupted me, we went to Subway. Splendid.
My head was throbbing from the Acrochats atrocity, and I find Subway to be singularly unspectacular (doughy bread, stingy on the chicken...), but the girls love it, so at least they had a fun afternoon.
The main problem was that the whole thing put me in a bad mood and I spent a fair amount of the rest of the evening feeling annoyed with them that they wouldn't do as they were told (pick up their clothes, go get in the shower, brush teeth, switch the Glee DVD off, go to bed...). I wanted today to be a fun day, just the three of us, and instead I spent the whole afternoon sitting on my own with nothing to do and going almost insane from all those kids screaming.
I know I'm being grouchy and unreasonable - the girls had a lot of fun and that should probably be enough on a day out with kids. But I don't often take the girls places, I don't often get to do "fun" stuff and this was beyond disappointing for me. I should have gone with my instinct and gone to the Musée Fabre - they would have been less enthusiastic at the beginning, but we always have a good time there. And it's quiet. And we could have gone out for supper somewhere reasonably priced (but not Subway). *sigh*
Lesson learned, I guess.
Méric is the former home of the painter Frédéric Bazille and is truly delightful. It covers a hilly area, so at the top level there's a "wild" prairie, most likely in full bloom right now (cornflowers, poppies, cow parsley...), then a series of small grassy areas and an orchard, then, down in a hollow, a play area for kids and woodland, leading down to a riverside walk. Lovely at this time of year.
So of course it has been not only cold (which would have been scandalous enough, but manageable) but WET all. fucking. day. So that plan was out the window.
L. wanted to go to Altissimo, an indoor "rock climbing" place. It's expensive, particularly as the girls have generally had enough after an hour, but they do enjoy it so I sort of said OK.
Of course, we weren't the only ones to think of this and the place was PACKED. So C. suggested a game of bowling. I was vaguely up for that, but it was even more crowded, with a looooooong queue and a waiting time estimated at "about 45 minutes". No way.
So we ended up at Acrochats, God help me. We had to queue there, too, and it's probably the most expensive of the three, and certainly the most hideous for me. It's basically just a huge indoor play gym thing (like the ones at McDonald's, only much, much bigger), but it's in a massive, cavern-like room that multiplies the sound level a billion times. It's unspeakably hot, the kids get hyper, all types of drink etc. are wildly over-priced and, as an adult on my own, I was virtually comatose with boredom.
So much for our "doing something together". Huh.
The girls then begged to have dinner out too (all these places are in a part of the city called Odysseum, which is an out-of-centre shopping-eating-entertainment place, all open air and accessible by tram), so, as I'm a cheapskate and Acrochats almost bankrupted me, we went to Subway. Splendid.
My head was throbbing from the Acrochats atrocity, and I find Subway to be singularly unspectacular (doughy bread, stingy on the chicken...), but the girls love it, so at least they had a fun afternoon.
The main problem was that the whole thing put me in a bad mood and I spent a fair amount of the rest of the evening feeling annoyed with them that they wouldn't do as they were told (pick up their clothes, go get in the shower, brush teeth, switch the Glee DVD off, go to bed...). I wanted today to be a fun day, just the three of us, and instead I spent the whole afternoon sitting on my own with nothing to do and going almost insane from all those kids screaming.
I know I'm being grouchy and unreasonable - the girls had a lot of fun and that should probably be enough on a day out with kids. But I don't often take the girls places, I don't often get to do "fun" stuff and this was beyond disappointing for me. I should have gone with my instinct and gone to the Musée Fabre - they would have been less enthusiastic at the beginning, but we always have a good time there. And it's quiet. And we could have gone out for supper somewhere reasonably priced (but not Subway). *sigh*
Lesson learned, I guess.
jeudi 2 juin 2011
Theme
The theme of this month's NaBloPoMo is "Fan" (as you can see on the button to the left of this). I used to think I was a fan of certain things and that I remain loyal to them, but I'm beginning to think that's not actually the case... In fact, I'd say I'm more obsessive-compulsive than loyal.
I mean yes, there are things I was a fan of in the past and that I still like now (lots of things, in fact) but what I find more striking (and possibly more worrying) is that the things I REALLY like are more flash-in-the-pan. For example, I developed an obsession a few weeks ago about the TV series "Friends". And when I say "obsession", I really mean it. I bought myself - very cheap - the box set of ALL TEN SERIES and watched them, compulsively. I watched as many as 10 or 12 episodes in a row, non-stop, going to bed at dawn, totally bug-eyed, and then spending the next day exhausted yet desperate to keep going. But then, once I'd watched the last episode ever (and sobbed at the end), I put the DVDs away and haven't looked at them since.
Instead, I've turned my attention to Mad Men. There are only 4 seasons, but I've watched almost 3 and a half in just a few days. I've watched 4 episodes today (and why yes, it would be 6 am - thank God it's a public holiday today and there's no school to make me get up at 7.30). I have 8 or 9 episodes left. I'm obsessed about the show, even dreaming about the characters. But I know that once I've watched the last episode of season 4, I'll stop (until season 5 comes out on DVD of course, but that might be a while away).
The same thing happens with CDs, books, even food.
I don't have the "classic" OCD - I'm most definitely not obsessively clean (ha! ha! ha!), but these "bouts" really do take on obsessive status. I'm not sure what happens, nor what pleasure I get from it, but I just can't control myself. I tell you, I'm fighting the urge not to break out disc 2 in the season 4 DVD...
Obviously, as obsessions go, this is fairly harmless (apart from the not sleeping part, of course). I don't drink (much - maybe a bottle of wine a YEAR), I don't smoke at all, I don't do any kind of drug. But this type of behaviour still concerns me.
I'm feeling unspeakably fragile right now - totally adrift, without direction, struggling to keep my head out of water and make sure my daughters get the best I can give them. And I have a feeling these obsessions are the only form of stability I can find. They're real, practical, measurable.
They keep me, if not on, then at least in view of dry land.
So I accept them for now. Because I need all the stability I can get my hands on right now.
I mean yes, there are things I was a fan of in the past and that I still like now (lots of things, in fact) but what I find more striking (and possibly more worrying) is that the things I REALLY like are more flash-in-the-pan. For example, I developed an obsession a few weeks ago about the TV series "Friends". And when I say "obsession", I really mean it. I bought myself - very cheap - the box set of ALL TEN SERIES and watched them, compulsively. I watched as many as 10 or 12 episodes in a row, non-stop, going to bed at dawn, totally bug-eyed, and then spending the next day exhausted yet desperate to keep going. But then, once I'd watched the last episode ever (and sobbed at the end), I put the DVDs away and haven't looked at them since.
Instead, I've turned my attention to Mad Men. There are only 4 seasons, but I've watched almost 3 and a half in just a few days. I've watched 4 episodes today (and why yes, it would be 6 am - thank God it's a public holiday today and there's no school to make me get up at 7.30). I have 8 or 9 episodes left. I'm obsessed about the show, even dreaming about the characters. But I know that once I've watched the last episode of season 4, I'll stop (until season 5 comes out on DVD of course, but that might be a while away).
The same thing happens with CDs, books, even food.
I don't have the "classic" OCD - I'm most definitely not obsessively clean (ha! ha! ha!), but these "bouts" really do take on obsessive status. I'm not sure what happens, nor what pleasure I get from it, but I just can't control myself. I tell you, I'm fighting the urge not to break out disc 2 in the season 4 DVD...
Obviously, as obsessions go, this is fairly harmless (apart from the not sleeping part, of course). I don't drink (much - maybe a bottle of wine a YEAR), I don't smoke at all, I don't do any kind of drug. But this type of behaviour still concerns me.
I'm feeling unspeakably fragile right now - totally adrift, without direction, struggling to keep my head out of water and make sure my daughters get the best I can give them. And I have a feeling these obsessions are the only form of stability I can find. They're real, practical, measurable.
They keep me, if not on, then at least in view of dry land.
So I accept them for now. Because I need all the stability I can get my hands on right now.
mercredi 1 juin 2011
New month
A new month, supposedly a new beginning, but this really is all starting to feel like the end.
I'm seriously starting to not care about my work (which will eventually all blow up in my face, I suspect) and it probably won't be long till I make a gaffe of some kind, like forgetting a translation to be done, or not turning up for an exam or something.
But right now I don't care. I'm floating, drifting, drowning.
My life isn't exactly flashing before my eyes, but my dreams are, my fantasies are.
And I'm yearning for some time away, alone with my girls, time to enjoy being with them. But I suspect it won't be possible this year as everything is too expensive.
I watch "Mad Men" and feel like bitch-slapping Betty Draper - she throws away so much, she hurts those children so much, and all for what? A dull, bourgeois life... Yeah, OK, maybe that's what she wanted, but the passion isn't the same. And boy, would I love some passion right now...
But I remain adrift, distraught at the idea that this is probably as close as I'll get all summer to being at the sea...
I'm seriously starting to not care about my work (which will eventually all blow up in my face, I suspect) and it probably won't be long till I make a gaffe of some kind, like forgetting a translation to be done, or not turning up for an exam or something.
But right now I don't care. I'm floating, drifting, drowning.
My life isn't exactly flashing before my eyes, but my dreams are, my fantasies are.
And I'm yearning for some time away, alone with my girls, time to enjoy being with them. But I suspect it won't be possible this year as everything is too expensive.
I watch "Mad Men" and feel like bitch-slapping Betty Draper - she throws away so much, she hurts those children so much, and all for what? A dull, bourgeois life... Yeah, OK, maybe that's what she wanted, but the passion isn't the same. And boy, would I love some passion right now...
But I remain adrift, distraught at the idea that this is probably as close as I'll get all summer to being at the sea...
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